Dear _________________(fill in the blank),
This past year has flown by! It seems to go faster for every year I get older. Which IS every year, so I guess it evens out! (although....I don't think it's quite fair...)
Along the tradition of a light and airy Christmas letter, I submit this for your approval:
I don't know what to write.
I guess I could tell you about how it's been a roller coaster of a year. Let's start with the girls.
Hillary:
Excelling at being a mom. Reya is excelling at being an only child and being the boss. Jeremy (bless his heart) got Hillary a puppy for her birthday. Lily is quite the....um....let's just go with "Um".
Jeremy is going through the job corps program and Hillary is working part time at Target. I get to watch Reyasunshine. I am quickly teaching her the word "NO". She's a joy!
Emily:
Currently attending U of I for her second year. Dating a nice boy....we'll see how long. Has a pretty good friend at college. Said friend brought her fish home for Thanksgiving. I admire her dedication. Em continues to be an adventure in our lives....how boring life would be without her!
Chellsei:
Currently attending BSU. We are a divided house. (not really) AND...she's DATING! I know, I know! He's a great kid, one we've known for about ever. He really seems to honor her heart. C loves her classes at BSU and has decided to feature ASL prominently in her life, hoping she can use it on the mission field! My only complaint? I can't get a good picture of her and her other! Stay STILL, Chellsei!
Kaily:
A Senior! Holy Cow! We let her attend a "mainstream" high school this year because she has friends there. Currently, she is dating a sweet young man who just left a week ago for Air Force basic training. We're hoping to attend his graduation in January. Her ultimate goal is to attend medical school. We'll see what God's goals are.
Savannah:
Believe it or not, this 'punny' girl just became our 5th TEENAGER. She hit the big 13 in November. You'd think we'd have this all figured out. Nope, not at ALL. She excels in school and continues to be the student every teacher wishes they could clone. She enjoys the small charter school that her and Harley attend. Currently, she is all about the puns. What makes them so funny is her reaction to them! She has an infectious laugh and smile!
Harley:
Our sweet "Little Bit". She is officially a tween. She consistently tells other about God. I hope she never loses that, even if she loses friends. (which she has) She is such a sweet heart and I can't wait to see what God has in store for our girl!
Now, on to us grown ups:
Matty:
Went to school to become a CNA or CAP as they're called now. And he did it! He moved into his new position at the hospital in November. He has better days, better hours and of course, better pay. He seems to really enjoy it! He's good with people. I never could do that, I think I'm too mean!
Me:
Well. I've tried very hard this year to look on the bright side. It hasn't worked. There have been bright spots, but also some down right mucky parts. I'm praying hard to improve that about me. My grandpa passed away in August.....that was hard. Money has been tight, but our needs have been provided for. I just tend to forget. I'm working on my memory. All in all, it's been a good year.
Pets:
Whisper:
Um
Murphy:
Got hurt, nearly died. Better now, but is a grumpy old man dog.
The Others: (you know who you are)
What a blessing to be called Mom by other kids than my own. I've seen them grow up and can only hope that as they continue to get older they still come see me! I hope they remember the fun times here. We were even mentioned in a wedding toast this year....that was exciting! Numerous movie nights, dance parties and late night chats pepper this past year....what a joy!
I hope this letter finds you well. More than that, I hope it finds you in the midst of great adventure. I hope you remember what this season is truly about. Remember that He loves you, His grace is sufficient and He never lets go of your hand. Remember, He is the way , the truth and the life. There is no way but through Him. I may have had a hard time this year, but that's all on me. He is here, with me....holding tight. He loves me much.
Merry Christmas _______________________(fill in the blank) You are much loved by the King of Kings.
Wednesday, December 4, 2013
Wednesday, November 20, 2013
Life isn't a Movie? Really?!
Remember all those John Hughes movies of the '80's? Molly Ringwald leading the cast of teen angst? Remember how everything wrapped up nice and tidy at the end? Remember all the amazing, grand things that seemed to happen to her character? Yeah, so do I. As a teen girl, I didn't believe that was reality....but I wanted it to be.
As I've watched our girls' lives unfold, I've come to realize (with the help of a sweet girl) that one of our girls lives in her very own John Hughes movie. It's not her fault, she can't undo the way things unravel. However, it does cause unspoken animosity. Watching her life can lead to questions of one's own worth and value. Like: 'Why doesn't anyone want to love me like that?' or 'It just isn't fair!'. Believe me, as her mom, I am always shaking my head in wonder at the way things go.
There are some girls in my life that are a lot like me. (not totally, thank heavens!) But in a sense of wanting to be loved. And not wanting to wait for God to bring it to them. Goodness knows that I didn't. I wanted to be the lead in my own teen romance movie. I wanted the boy to hold the boombox, sit on a table and eat cake in candle light....to decide I was more important than his friends. Yes, I recognize that one of those is not John Hughes. Not the point. The point is that I wanted that so badly I went out and got it. Guess what?! It didn't turn out how I'd hoped. I didn't get my "happily ever after". I still don't have it....not in the movie sense. I mean, that's just a movie. Real life is much sweeter.
I don't know why some people seem to live the 'fairy tale'. Don't know why some people have to work at it or, even worse, WAIT for it. That's the hardest. The waiting.
There is One who waits. His happy ending is never ending. His love is sufficient and much. Often we overlook Him...He's not tangible and not what we think of when we think of 'true love'. But He is. He is love and He is the one who writes the movie of our lives. We get so impatient and in a hurry. We see other people and wonder what they have that we don't. Here's the secret. NOTHING. They have worries, heart ache, struggles just like you. Our girl who appears to live in a romance movie? Well, I want her to enjoy it. It may not last and how sweet to have such memories. BUT...don't compare yourselves dear ones. You are just as valued as she is. Your Father has a plan for you. Let it unfold.
Remember that life isn't a movie. This is real time. Sometimes entertaining, sometimes frustrating...always a blessing. Enjoy it now and remember to look towards heaven. He hears you, sees you, knows you. Remember you are loved, dearest.
As I've watched our girls' lives unfold, I've come to realize (with the help of a sweet girl) that one of our girls lives in her very own John Hughes movie. It's not her fault, she can't undo the way things unravel. However, it does cause unspoken animosity. Watching her life can lead to questions of one's own worth and value. Like: 'Why doesn't anyone want to love me like that?' or 'It just isn't fair!'. Believe me, as her mom, I am always shaking my head in wonder at the way things go.
There are some girls in my life that are a lot like me. (not totally, thank heavens!) But in a sense of wanting to be loved. And not wanting to wait for God to bring it to them. Goodness knows that I didn't. I wanted to be the lead in my own teen romance movie. I wanted the boy to hold the boombox, sit on a table and eat cake in candle light....to decide I was more important than his friends. Yes, I recognize that one of those is not John Hughes. Not the point. The point is that I wanted that so badly I went out and got it. Guess what?! It didn't turn out how I'd hoped. I didn't get my "happily ever after". I still don't have it....not in the movie sense. I mean, that's just a movie. Real life is much sweeter.
I don't know why some people seem to live the 'fairy tale'. Don't know why some people have to work at it or, even worse, WAIT for it. That's the hardest. The waiting.
There is One who waits. His happy ending is never ending. His love is sufficient and much. Often we overlook Him...He's not tangible and not what we think of when we think of 'true love'. But He is. He is love and He is the one who writes the movie of our lives. We get so impatient and in a hurry. We see other people and wonder what they have that we don't. Here's the secret. NOTHING. They have worries, heart ache, struggles just like you. Our girl who appears to live in a romance movie? Well, I want her to enjoy it. It may not last and how sweet to have such memories. BUT...don't compare yourselves dear ones. You are just as valued as she is. Your Father has a plan for you. Let it unfold.
Remember that life isn't a movie. This is real time. Sometimes entertaining, sometimes frustrating...always a blessing. Enjoy it now and remember to look towards heaven. He hears you, sees you, knows you. Remember you are loved, dearest.
Sunday, November 3, 2013
November Rolls In
Hello, November. You've started out cold. You even had snow already. As it is November, I am reminded that it is almost time for my Thankful blog. Then again, why wait?
This year has been a little up and down for me. I have had moments of absolute faith and clarity and moments of absolute insanity. The insanity has often won out over the clarity. So as I look back over this year, things are a bit muddled. As I wrack my brain, I find them....nuggets of thankfulness.
I am thankful for:
-Grandview, Washington. And those that minister there. And that I was part of the ministry team that went this summer. My heart aches for those young ones, their hearts crying to the Lord. He is up to magnificent things there...can't wait to see Him work!
-Late nights with teenagers.
-Finding the hard to find Monster High doll....twice!
-Surprise parties...especially ones our sweet girls planned for me. More teens than grown ups there, but that's okay.
-For neighbors who love my dog.
-That Whisper doesn't jump the fence anymore.
-Reya turned 1! Love that grand girl!
-Growing friendships.
-The simple beauty of a water fountain show. We have our own "mini-vegas" right (almost) next door.
-Once Upon a Time came back. With a spin off. Love it!
-Matt's a CNA! Hooray for Matty! And I love his new schedule!
-Chocolate
-The spider guy
-After halloween sales (fudge making supplies!)
-God...He has had me this year. Without Him, I would've sunk into the pit of muck I continually threw myself into. AKA: Despair
-Girls. Our 6 have shown amazing growth and courage this year.
--Emily @ college
--Kaily finishing high school
--Chellsei starting college and DATING
--Savannah being the student the teacher would like to clone
--Harley telling everyone about God, regardless of where she is
--Hillary growing as a mother
-Always thankful for Fancy Pants...you know who you are. :)
-Church family
-That the dogs haven't died from anything they've chosen to eat. And that in itself is a miraculous feat. They've eaten a lot of BAD things. BAD DOGS!
And now....some things I'm NOT thankful for:
3 years in a row: SPEEDOS! no man should EVER wear them, don't care who he is.
-spiders....EWWWWWWW
-Dogs that eat everything they are NOT supposed to. Annoying!
-A house that doesn't clean itself.
-How the chocolate finds it's way to my hips.
-They cancelled my new show...that was a bummer.
I'm sure there is more, but I'm trying to stay positive here. Since last year, I have struggled to be thankful. Struggled to have faith, struggled with trust. It's been a hard year. And to be honest, I don't know how we'll do Christmas. But I know that through it all, He has been with me. I may have blocked Him, put up a wall and tried to do it myself. (said in my best little girl voice) I've fallen down each time. He has lifted me up, kissed my owies and set me gently down. He loves me. He is for me. Why I try so hard to do things without Him, I have NO clue. Human nature? Probably.
I have more to be thankful for than others. I know that. But sometimes, it doesn't seem like it. So I pick my worry (which is a sin) and carry my giant bag around. Silly me. So I lay it out, here. If you see me worrying, call me out on it. Remind me that He carries me. Cause I forget. And I shouldn't.
What are you thankful for, friends? Remember to be thankful to the One who loves you most. Regardless of how I felt, I knew He loved me. He loves me. He loves you.
No worries, mate. Just let November roll right in.
This year has been a little up and down for me. I have had moments of absolute faith and clarity and moments of absolute insanity. The insanity has often won out over the clarity. So as I look back over this year, things are a bit muddled. As I wrack my brain, I find them....nuggets of thankfulness.
I am thankful for:
-Grandview, Washington. And those that minister there. And that I was part of the ministry team that went this summer. My heart aches for those young ones, their hearts crying to the Lord. He is up to magnificent things there...can't wait to see Him work!
-Late nights with teenagers.
-Finding the hard to find Monster High doll....twice!
-Surprise parties...especially ones our sweet girls planned for me. More teens than grown ups there, but that's okay.
-For neighbors who love my dog.
-That Whisper doesn't jump the fence anymore.
-Reya turned 1! Love that grand girl!
-Growing friendships.
-The simple beauty of a water fountain show. We have our own "mini-vegas" right (almost) next door.
-Once Upon a Time came back. With a spin off. Love it!
-Matt's a CNA! Hooray for Matty! And I love his new schedule!
-Chocolate
-The spider guy
-After halloween sales (fudge making supplies!)
-God...He has had me this year. Without Him, I would've sunk into the pit of muck I continually threw myself into. AKA: Despair
-Girls. Our 6 have shown amazing growth and courage this year.
--Emily @ college
--Kaily finishing high school
--Chellsei starting college and DATING
--Savannah being the student the teacher would like to clone
--Harley telling everyone about God, regardless of where she is
--Hillary growing as a mother
-Always thankful for Fancy Pants...you know who you are. :)
-Church family
-That the dogs haven't died from anything they've chosen to eat. And that in itself is a miraculous feat. They've eaten a lot of BAD things. BAD DOGS!
And now....some things I'm NOT thankful for:
3 years in a row: SPEEDOS! no man should EVER wear them, don't care who he is.
-spiders....EWWWWWWW
-Dogs that eat everything they are NOT supposed to. Annoying!
-A house that doesn't clean itself.
-How the chocolate finds it's way to my hips.
-They cancelled my new show...that was a bummer.
I'm sure there is more, but I'm trying to stay positive here. Since last year, I have struggled to be thankful. Struggled to have faith, struggled with trust. It's been a hard year. And to be honest, I don't know how we'll do Christmas. But I know that through it all, He has been with me. I may have blocked Him, put up a wall and tried to do it myself. (said in my best little girl voice) I've fallen down each time. He has lifted me up, kissed my owies and set me gently down. He loves me. He is for me. Why I try so hard to do things without Him, I have NO clue. Human nature? Probably.
I have more to be thankful for than others. I know that. But sometimes, it doesn't seem like it. So I pick my worry (which is a sin) and carry my giant bag around. Silly me. So I lay it out, here. If you see me worrying, call me out on it. Remind me that He carries me. Cause I forget. And I shouldn't.
What are you thankful for, friends? Remember to be thankful to the One who loves you most. Regardless of how I felt, I knew He loved me. He loves me. He loves you.
No worries, mate. Just let November roll right in.
Monday, September 16, 2013
When "Just Enough" Isn't
I have been going about my life wrong. I've been doing "just enough" to get by. It dawned on me as I did my bible study this morning. I have been feeling such weight, such sorrow over how my life has seemed to fall apart that I forgot one crucial, very important thing: He is for me. And He wants more than my "just enough".
I've been walking through my days with just enough oomph to convince people I'm still human. I've been smiling just enough so that people around me won't realize that I feel broken. Or I've been wanting them to notice I'm broken....and tell me they love me.
I've been praying just enough. Just enough to feel connected, but not enough to be flat on my face. I've been feeling like I'm forgotten. In the midst of walking through this valley, I have been sidetracked by the "flowers" of sorrow. I keep looking at the things I don't have; I should be remembering all that I do have. I should be rejoicing over the fact that we have enough to make ends meet....however much of a gap there appears to be. Instead, I am looking at it all thinking of what it isn't.
It's hard, this whole trying to be "just enough". The reality is...I don't have to be anything. I have One in my life that is everything, and He wants me to remember that. There is nothing that is happening that isn't His. He hasn't left me; just let me wander a bit. I recognize that this is a theme in my blogs. It's because it's TRUE!
It's not enough to slightly do things. It's not enough to live like every day is falling down. It's not enough to 'try'....you have to DO. Believe me, if you're in a hurting place, I've been there. I may not know your specific pain, but I do know sorrow and pain. And, dear one, He does too.
I can't do "just enough" anymore. I want to step out in faith, believing that He will protect and guide me. I can't stop trusting and have to stop taking back my burdens. My study today reminded me that all I have to do is what He wants RIGHT NOW. Not in 10 minutes or in 5 hours....RIGHT NOW. And so I am.
Just enough isn't enough. Don't live like it is.
"The steps of a man are established by the Lord; And He delights in his way. When he falls, he shall not be hurled headlong; Because the Lord is the One who holds his hand." Psalm 37:23-24
I've been walking through my days with just enough oomph to convince people I'm still human. I've been smiling just enough so that people around me won't realize that I feel broken. Or I've been wanting them to notice I'm broken....and tell me they love me.
I've been praying just enough. Just enough to feel connected, but not enough to be flat on my face. I've been feeling like I'm forgotten. In the midst of walking through this valley, I have been sidetracked by the "flowers" of sorrow. I keep looking at the things I don't have; I should be remembering all that I do have. I should be rejoicing over the fact that we have enough to make ends meet....however much of a gap there appears to be. Instead, I am looking at it all thinking of what it isn't.
It's hard, this whole trying to be "just enough". The reality is...I don't have to be anything. I have One in my life that is everything, and He wants me to remember that. There is nothing that is happening that isn't His. He hasn't left me; just let me wander a bit. I recognize that this is a theme in my blogs. It's because it's TRUE!
It's not enough to slightly do things. It's not enough to live like every day is falling down. It's not enough to 'try'....you have to DO. Believe me, if you're in a hurting place, I've been there. I may not know your specific pain, but I do know sorrow and pain. And, dear one, He does too.
I can't do "just enough" anymore. I want to step out in faith, believing that He will protect and guide me. I can't stop trusting and have to stop taking back my burdens. My study today reminded me that all I have to do is what He wants RIGHT NOW. Not in 10 minutes or in 5 hours....RIGHT NOW. And so I am.
Just enough isn't enough. Don't live like it is.
"The steps of a man are established by the Lord; And He delights in his way. When he falls, he shall not be hurled headlong; Because the Lord is the One who holds his hand." Psalm 37:23-24
Wednesday, September 4, 2013
To My Boys
A while back, I addressed one of my entries to our girls. And the girls that are in our lives. I decided to turn the tables. You may not know this, but I have a lot of boys in my life as well. Boys that I am blessed to be called mom by. As I sat with one of them today, I realized that he is just as vulnerable as the girls. That made my heart hurt. So here it is...my "Dear John" letter.
Dear Boys,
You are worthy. I sit and I watch you guys interact with our girls and my heart expands. You are young men of character and inner strength. My heart aches at the thought that you may not know you're valuable.
I know the world tells you to hide your emotions, do what feels good and go about your merry way. I am so proud that you have never followed that motto. I am in no way saying you guys are perfect....we all know you're not. (yellow light, anyone?) But you are worthy. You are valuable. Don't worry about what the guy next to you is doing. Pray for him instead. I have known some of you since you were young teens and some are newer to my "mom" club. Some of you have had crushes on our girls, some now have crushes on our girls. I've watched you grow.
My mommy heart gets so full. I am so proud of each of you. No matter what, YOU ARE VALUABLE. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise...not that boy (or group of kids at school), your friends, your 'not' friends....even your (actual) parents. The enemy will tell you that you are not worthy...that you have no value. Don't listen....his job is to steal, kill and destroy.
The world would have you believe that girls are playthings; please remember they are someone's wife. If not yours, someone else's. Respect her....she is someone's daughter and valued. The world would have you think that you shouldn't cry. Cry away boys; it shows you're human. Be human....grow and flourish.
I may not like every decision you make, every life choice or path you choose to follow. But I will always love you. I will always pray for you, I will always look out for your best interest. I will always be your cheerleader.
I need you to KNOW how wonderful you are. God designed you with a purpose and a plan. There is nothing He does not know....He created YOU! He loves you. You are irreplaceable. Not only in the world, but in my life as well.
Boys, you know who you are. Not all of you call me mom, but there is not one I cherish more than another. Every moment is amazing for me. Thank you for allowing me the honor of being in your lives....I have never asked why I didn't have boys, didn't really care. However, now, I believe it was because He knew I would be 'mom' to many. What a blessing you are.
Never forget you are amazing.
Love,
Momma L
Dear Boys,
You are worthy. I sit and I watch you guys interact with our girls and my heart expands. You are young men of character and inner strength. My heart aches at the thought that you may not know you're valuable.
I know the world tells you to hide your emotions, do what feels good and go about your merry way. I am so proud that you have never followed that motto. I am in no way saying you guys are perfect....we all know you're not. (yellow light, anyone?) But you are worthy. You are valuable. Don't worry about what the guy next to you is doing. Pray for him instead. I have known some of you since you were young teens and some are newer to my "mom" club. Some of you have had crushes on our girls, some now have crushes on our girls. I've watched you grow.
My mommy heart gets so full. I am so proud of each of you. No matter what, YOU ARE VALUABLE. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise...not that boy (or group of kids at school), your friends, your 'not' friends....even your (actual) parents. The enemy will tell you that you are not worthy...that you have no value. Don't listen....his job is to steal, kill and destroy.
The world would have you believe that girls are playthings; please remember they are someone's wife. If not yours, someone else's. Respect her....she is someone's daughter and valued. The world would have you think that you shouldn't cry. Cry away boys; it shows you're human. Be human....grow and flourish.
I may not like every decision you make, every life choice or path you choose to follow. But I will always love you. I will always pray for you, I will always look out for your best interest. I will always be your cheerleader.
I need you to KNOW how wonderful you are. God designed you with a purpose and a plan. There is nothing He does not know....He created YOU! He loves you. You are irreplaceable. Not only in the world, but in my life as well.
Boys, you know who you are. Not all of you call me mom, but there is not one I cherish more than another. Every moment is amazing for me. Thank you for allowing me the honor of being in your lives....I have never asked why I didn't have boys, didn't really care. However, now, I believe it was because He knew I would be 'mom' to many. What a blessing you are.
Never forget you are amazing.
Love,
Momma L
Thursday, August 29, 2013
The Years the Locusts Ate
As I write this I've just found out that my grandpa probably won't live past this weekend. My heart is full of sorrow. Not just because he's dying but because while he's dying, I am thinking of the years the locusts ate. They are many and now there is no repair time.
When I was a little girl, my grandpa would brush my hair. He would pull it tight into a ponytail. When I was a little girl, my grandpa would pick me up and carry me around. He had a hard time hearing (injury in the Korean war) and I always had to yell at him. Well, speak very, very loudly. My grandparents relocated to Oregon from California when I was about 13/14. When I would fight with Rachel, my grandpa was the voice of sanity. He would go hunting with my dad and they used to play cards with my parents. I remember,long boring nights watching my parents and grandparents play cards. Ugh!
When I moved to Idaho from Arkansas after my first divorce, my parents had moved to Idaho. My grandparents were already here. Relationships continued and the memories are many.
Things changed when I met Matty. He had dated Rachel...my grandparents took exception to anyone (me) cavorting with the enemy (Matty). With sorrow, all relationship ties were severed brutally. For the record, it was not our choice. For 13 years I have had little to no contact with the man that used to love me. My grandparents made a choice. My family and even my parents were on the other side of that choice. The locusts ate well.
Now, he is dying. He doesn't remember who I am. When he was in the hospital a while back, I went to visit him every day. He didn't know me then, but it was wonderful. We chatted, he smiled at me. He loved the day Kaily came. He liked pretty girls. My heart sorrows for the years that we can't retrieve, the years that were eaten so harshly. He never really met Harley....never got to really know Savannah. Out of our girls only Emily and Hillary have true memories. I cry for knowing that even after he's gone, things won't change. The locusts get fat on bitterness.
I know that the Lord has seen this. He knows how things unfolded, indeed He allowed them. He knows the hurt in my heart, knows how I ache to be loved by my grandparents. Please understand that I am skirting the issues with them delicately. There is a lot of history that I have not covered. And will not in honor of my family.
It is the enemy's job to steal, kill and destroy. He has done well with this relationship. I know God promises to give back what the locusts eat, but also a dog will return to it's own vomit. I have no control over my grandma....she is responsible for herself. I will continue to pray. I will allow myself this day to mourn the years that are gone. I will allow this time to wish things were different. I will grieve for the grandpa that brushed my hair and introduced me to Disneyland.
I will let God do the rest. The locust may continue to eat, but I will not let them steal more from me.
His will be done. God is good all the time and all the time God is good.
When I was a little girl, my grandpa would brush my hair. He would pull it tight into a ponytail. When I was a little girl, my grandpa would pick me up and carry me around. He had a hard time hearing (injury in the Korean war) and I always had to yell at him. Well, speak very, very loudly. My grandparents relocated to Oregon from California when I was about 13/14. When I would fight with Rachel, my grandpa was the voice of sanity. He would go hunting with my dad and they used to play cards with my parents. I remember,long boring nights watching my parents and grandparents play cards. Ugh!
When I moved to Idaho from Arkansas after my first divorce, my parents had moved to Idaho. My grandparents were already here. Relationships continued and the memories are many.
Things changed when I met Matty. He had dated Rachel...my grandparents took exception to anyone (me) cavorting with the enemy (Matty). With sorrow, all relationship ties were severed brutally. For the record, it was not our choice. For 13 years I have had little to no contact with the man that used to love me. My grandparents made a choice. My family and even my parents were on the other side of that choice. The locusts ate well.
Now, he is dying. He doesn't remember who I am. When he was in the hospital a while back, I went to visit him every day. He didn't know me then, but it was wonderful. We chatted, he smiled at me. He loved the day Kaily came. He liked pretty girls. My heart sorrows for the years that we can't retrieve, the years that were eaten so harshly. He never really met Harley....never got to really know Savannah. Out of our girls only Emily and Hillary have true memories. I cry for knowing that even after he's gone, things won't change. The locusts get fat on bitterness.
I know that the Lord has seen this. He knows how things unfolded, indeed He allowed them. He knows the hurt in my heart, knows how I ache to be loved by my grandparents. Please understand that I am skirting the issues with them delicately. There is a lot of history that I have not covered. And will not in honor of my family.
It is the enemy's job to steal, kill and destroy. He has done well with this relationship. I know God promises to give back what the locusts eat, but also a dog will return to it's own vomit. I have no control over my grandma....she is responsible for herself. I will continue to pray. I will allow myself this day to mourn the years that are gone. I will allow this time to wish things were different. I will grieve for the grandpa that brushed my hair and introduced me to Disneyland.
I will let God do the rest. The locust may continue to eat, but I will not let them steal more from me.
His will be done. God is good all the time and all the time God is good.
Tuesday, August 27, 2013
The Silence
It's quiet in my house. The dogs are sleeping and the children are back at school. As I went about my morning, I was hit with the certainty that slowly but surely the girls are growing up. I will be 41 in a month....I am a grandmother. The realization that we have 3 daughters (essentially) out of the house hit me like a piano from the sky. We only have 3 left and one of those is graduating next year. Holy Cow....it's quiet around here!
For over half my life, I have been a mother. My days have been full of ever changing daughters, doctor appointments, crying, laughing and cleaning. Slowly, things began to change. Our pace sped up, girls got older. Before it seemed real, Little Bit started school. Believe it or not, I relished in the silence. I didn't cry when she went to school, I rejoiced.
Every year, when school lets out, I gear up for the summer. Our summers are full of adventure, loud and boisterous teens and lazy days. We go until we can't go anymore. When school starts I am giddy. The house is silent. I cherish and treasure my time with the girls, yet enjoy the time alone. And I think I'm supposed to.
We get the blessing of these children for what seems like eternity. Sometimes, we think those toddler days will never end, that they'll wear diapers forever. We think they'll never grow up to be functioning members of society, that perhaps we'll not let them see their 16th birthday. We think that we want them to stay small forever, to stay young so they never get hurt and we can protect them always. But.....we really don't.
There is such joy in seeing your girl come home from her first day at college glowing, stories of a wonderful day falling off her lips. It's amazing when you see your daughter with her daughter, and then you get to enjoy that baby without all the responsibility. There is bittersweet happy in the "last" firsts. As we get to our 5th 13 year old, we know to pull up our bootstraps....that age is tricky. We find promise in the coming years....when it's just Matty and I. We don't stop trying to protect them, but at some point they will protect us. We never want them to get hurt...sometimes a little hurt grows them. (bubble wrap and the Amish never did materialize)
In the silence, I hear the past. That's a good thing. The best thing is the moving forward, going into tomorrow with boldness. Embrace the quiet, it really doesn't last long.
For over half my life, I have been a mother. My days have been full of ever changing daughters, doctor appointments, crying, laughing and cleaning. Slowly, things began to change. Our pace sped up, girls got older. Before it seemed real, Little Bit started school. Believe it or not, I relished in the silence. I didn't cry when she went to school, I rejoiced.
Every year, when school lets out, I gear up for the summer. Our summers are full of adventure, loud and boisterous teens and lazy days. We go until we can't go anymore. When school starts I am giddy. The house is silent. I cherish and treasure my time with the girls, yet enjoy the time alone. And I think I'm supposed to.
We get the blessing of these children for what seems like eternity. Sometimes, we think those toddler days will never end, that they'll wear diapers forever. We think they'll never grow up to be functioning members of society, that perhaps we'll not let them see their 16th birthday. We think that we want them to stay small forever, to stay young so they never get hurt and we can protect them always. But.....we really don't.
There is such joy in seeing your girl come home from her first day at college glowing, stories of a wonderful day falling off her lips. It's amazing when you see your daughter with her daughter, and then you get to enjoy that baby without all the responsibility. There is bittersweet happy in the "last" firsts. As we get to our 5th 13 year old, we know to pull up our bootstraps....that age is tricky. We find promise in the coming years....when it's just Matty and I. We don't stop trying to protect them, but at some point they will protect us. We never want them to get hurt...sometimes a little hurt grows them. (bubble wrap and the Amish never did materialize)
In the silence, I hear the past. That's a good thing. The best thing is the moving forward, going into tomorrow with boldness. Embrace the quiet, it really doesn't last long.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)