I think there is a desire by all women to know they are beautiful. As I stalked Facebook last night, I noticed multiple pictures of grown women pursing their lips into the camera, flirtatiously eyeing whoever might stumble upon them. In comparison, most of the teen girls I know have sweet pictures of themselves and their awkward prom dates. Both beautiful....however, I think one set feels as though they have something to prove.
I know. I've belonged to the 'come hither' group. There is one picture I had up once that my mom said should be reserved for my hubby only. It wasn't inappropriate, it was just the look on my face. It's a darn good picture and honestly, the Little Bit took it. It was totally unintentional. But when I posted it, I admit, I was hoping for likes and perhaps even some comments on my perceived beauty.
As I see these women's photos, I know they're hoping for some "Dang, girl...you look GOOD!" comments. And they get some. But...isn't it all smoke and mirrors? I'm quite sure they don't ALWAYS look like that. I know I don't always look like the completely put together gal you all know me to be. (hahahahhahahhaha) Now, before you get all up on your high hippity horse, please know that I am not saying it's not a good thing to put your best self forward. We all do it. But what I am saying is that, for myself, I need to remember that I don't need a gold star to look good to God. He sees past the smoke, past the mirror and into my heart.
When my goal is to catch some sweet, honeyed phrases...I kind of feel like a hussy. Every woman (even you/your wife/girlfriend/mother etc) has a desire to know that what caught her man is still what keeps her man. They desire to know they are beautiful even though they wear the badge of motherhood. They desire to know they're lovely even when they don't do their hair at 5 a.m. so you won't see them undone. They desire to know that when their make up hasn't been washed off and they're wearing sweats and a t-shirt with holes in it, you still love them. So they put up a great photo, revel in the compliments and remember that they are BEAUTIFUL. But here's the secret: You/I am always beautiful to the Creator. He sees us with the dirty shirts, dirty hair, kids hanging off our hip. He sees us crying when we're overwhelmed and laughing crazy like when things seem to be going upside down. To Him, I am beautiful. To Him, I have the grace of a ballet dancer, the beauty of the ocean. He doesn't need me to prove it by posting a picture of me looking like I'm trying to ignore the fact that I'm 40.
Having 6 very different daughters (in looks and stature), I have consistently tried to remind them that they are all wonderfully made, beautiful inside and out. When do we forget that? I say, DON'T. Hold onto the fact that YOU were created in His image. Created just the way you are. Perhaps you've gained weight, gotten thinner, gotten older, changed your hair...whatever. He sees you. He loves you. He created you. He thinks you're beautiful.
I know guys probably feel some of these ways to, but in case you haven't noticed...I'm a GIRL. I can only speak from my side of the gender.
Wednesday, May 22, 2013
Thursday, May 16, 2013
The Honor System
Having 6 daughters, we have had all sorts of thoughts on dating. All sorts of thoughts on (ahem) sex and marriage and such. Our thoughts are simple: honor our daughters and don't ask them for sex if you're not married to them. We know that it is a big temptation, a wildfire waiting to happen. We consistently tell the girls that inside/outside marriage, the physical feeling is the same. However, the emotional isn't. We encourage them having a 'plan' and then having a 'plan' to escape their plan. We allow dating, but we are VERY involved. We don't really allow one on one, but that is a case by case basis. We LOVE the colt girls boyfriend....he lives in GERMANY!
The reality is that sex is all around us. The t.v. shows, the music even the ads we see in the mall. Our young are encouraged to do what makes them feel good. I know I did what I wanted to do. I had no honor system for myself. And that is the key. Not only do these young men that come into our lives need to honor our girls, but our girls need to honor THEMSELVES! We have told them they are valuable, they are worthy and they deserve the very best. And when they don't seem to believe it and make choices that are contrary, my heart breaks.
Listen up....just because you're raised in a Christian home, with Christian parents and go to church every Sunday doesn't mean that you are not prey to the temptation of the flesh. You tell yourself or your kids that lie and you are just walking off a cliff. We often tell young people to "wait...because the bible says so". Ok...AND??? There is so much more to it than just that! Yes, God did say to save sex for marriage. Yes, that is what we tell our girls. However, we do elaborate. A girls emotions are so valid and so wrapped up in the pitter pats and the butterflies. They get a boost out of someone wanting them....all of them. And once they get past that initial 'I really shouldn't', it's a whole lot easier to just keep going.
Friends tell them it's ok, perhaps a favorite aunt or a trusted adult says it's alright. Our schools teach safety over abstinence. Like a wildfire, things get out of control so quickly. You get consumed. And once a relationship ends, it's easier to allow the fire with the next person. And before you think it won't happen in your family or with your kiddo, remember that the enemy is the father of lies. Like in the garden, he convinces the young ones to wallow in the pit and eat with the pigs. Not a pleasant place to be.
My goal with this entry is not to discourage, but to encourage. Maybe you come from a background where talking about sex is shameful or come from a home where your mom (HI girls!) is very open and honest. Maybe you lived a wildfire life, maybe your were blessed to heed the words of the Lord and waited. Either way, your story is so important to your children. They need to know that what they're going through isn't new, that someone has survived it. They need to know that they deserve to be honored in the best way. They need to know that God loves them the most, and know that they are so precious and important.
Please don't misunderstand....I'm not saying you don't already do that. I have just seen so much sorrow in girls in my life, girls in this world, girls I don't know. I've seen boys torn up over taking someone's future wife, seen the knowledge that what happened goes with them into their future. I've seen life created when unintended, I've seen life ended when inconvenient. The honor system is so much more than just spoken words. It's actions that back up the words. Also, I think that any MAN worth his salt will honor what we hope for our girls. We sit down with each boy our daughters date and tell them exactly what we hope/wish/dream for our girl. After that, it is up to him/them. We pray, we teach, we validate. Reality is: they have to grasp it, hold it and own it. They have to honor it.
Nothing is unforgivable....God is in the business of grace. Don't think that just because you/they choose a pit for a bit that you are beyond His grace. The grand thing is that He will reach right into the pit of mud, past the pigs, and grab you/them up and hug you/them. Without you being clean first. That is just the way He works. He did it for me, He does it for me. He is for me, who could stand against??
More than that, He honors you. He honors them. He is for you.
The reality is that sex is all around us. The t.v. shows, the music even the ads we see in the mall. Our young are encouraged to do what makes them feel good. I know I did what I wanted to do. I had no honor system for myself. And that is the key. Not only do these young men that come into our lives need to honor our girls, but our girls need to honor THEMSELVES! We have told them they are valuable, they are worthy and they deserve the very best. And when they don't seem to believe it and make choices that are contrary, my heart breaks.
Listen up....just because you're raised in a Christian home, with Christian parents and go to church every Sunday doesn't mean that you are not prey to the temptation of the flesh. You tell yourself or your kids that lie and you are just walking off a cliff. We often tell young people to "wait...because the bible says so". Ok...AND??? There is so much more to it than just that! Yes, God did say to save sex for marriage. Yes, that is what we tell our girls. However, we do elaborate. A girls emotions are so valid and so wrapped up in the pitter pats and the butterflies. They get a boost out of someone wanting them....all of them. And once they get past that initial 'I really shouldn't', it's a whole lot easier to just keep going.
Friends tell them it's ok, perhaps a favorite aunt or a trusted adult says it's alright. Our schools teach safety over abstinence. Like a wildfire, things get out of control so quickly. You get consumed. And once a relationship ends, it's easier to allow the fire with the next person. And before you think it won't happen in your family or with your kiddo, remember that the enemy is the father of lies. Like in the garden, he convinces the young ones to wallow in the pit and eat with the pigs. Not a pleasant place to be.
My goal with this entry is not to discourage, but to encourage. Maybe you come from a background where talking about sex is shameful or come from a home where your mom (HI girls!) is very open and honest. Maybe you lived a wildfire life, maybe your were blessed to heed the words of the Lord and waited. Either way, your story is so important to your children. They need to know that what they're going through isn't new, that someone has survived it. They need to know that they deserve to be honored in the best way. They need to know that God loves them the most, and know that they are so precious and important.
Please don't misunderstand....I'm not saying you don't already do that. I have just seen so much sorrow in girls in my life, girls in this world, girls I don't know. I've seen boys torn up over taking someone's future wife, seen the knowledge that what happened goes with them into their future. I've seen life created when unintended, I've seen life ended when inconvenient. The honor system is so much more than just spoken words. It's actions that back up the words. Also, I think that any MAN worth his salt will honor what we hope for our girls. We sit down with each boy our daughters date and tell them exactly what we hope/wish/dream for our girl. After that, it is up to him/them. We pray, we teach, we validate. Reality is: they have to grasp it, hold it and own it. They have to honor it.
Nothing is unforgivable....God is in the business of grace. Don't think that just because you/they choose a pit for a bit that you are beyond His grace. The grand thing is that He will reach right into the pit of mud, past the pigs, and grab you/them up and hug you/them. Without you being clean first. That is just the way He works. He did it for me, He does it for me. He is for me, who could stand against??
More than that, He honors you. He honors them. He is for you.
Friday, May 3, 2013
The Earthquake
It starts out innocently enough: I ask one of the girls why they aren't wearing contacts/makeup/etc or why they haven't done their hair. They hear "You're not good enough." That leads to a rumble. In their response, they flip a little attitude, I get a little angry at that attitude. The rumble gets louder, the earth starts to shift. Before too much time has passed, it's a yelling match. She's pretty sure I'm saying she's not good enough, I'm really saying that her confidence level goes up by 75% when her hair and makeup is done. A full blown earthquake ensues. The world crashes down around me/us.
I don't know why this is such a sticking point for me. I don't always do my hair or makeup. I don't always greet the world with my best face on. I always figure it's because of limited resources. Can't afford a haircut, can barely afford to buy box color to cover my grays!
It's not that I don't think our girls are beautiful...I DO!...but in certain girls, it changes their whole attitude when they're all put together. We have one girl who is a definite jeans and ponytail girl. However, she carries confidence like it's a backpack. No one will stand in her way! We have one girl who is always put together. She won't leave the house without being put together. Then, there is the in between girl. She is beautiful, on the inside and outside. When she is all put together, she carries herself differently. She sparkles a bit more, has more of a 'take charge' attitude. She doesn't see it. Those around her do. It's almost like she's got the superhero alter ego thing going on.
I never know how to approach it. Never know what to say. Today there is a big presentation, I thought we'd do hair/makeup stuff. Well, as the earth crumbled under my feet, I learned that was the wrong idea. It ended up with her crying, me yelling and the other girls just trying to stay out of the rubble. Certainly this was a 'Worst Mom of the Year' moment. It feels like I have lots of those. Sigh. Perhaps I need to take a class about how to have tact.
I don't think it's so much much about the makeup. I think it's more about the sparkle and confidence. This particular girl doesn't like to think that it changes things in her. It does. I think it does in everyone. I think if anyone feels like they look good, there is a certain level of confidence and personal strength that goes with that. And I can tell when this kiddo isn't feeling it! I really just wanted her to feel it today. Now i just feel defeated....and I'm sure she does too. The earthquake overtook us.
Being a mom is hard. You learn from your mother what NOT to do, and often what to do. You gain knowledge as time goes on, you learn what works and what doesn't. Most times, you learn what not to say. Sometimes, you say things innocently and they are taken completely out of context. It's when those out of context moments happen that you're left in the rubble, the earthquake having moved over you, leaving you exhausted.
So...what to do? Apologize. To everyone. (cause the fall out was more than just the one girl) Pray. Constantly. Try not to kick myself to hard. My heart hurts when they're hurt, it hurts worse when I've contributed. The hardest thing about being a mom....knowing that you're capable of hurting (emotionally) the people who you love most. Unintentional? Yes....that doesn't make it better. I just want so much for them, it doesn't make sense when they appear to not want those things as well.
Today, I will pick myself up. Dust myself off. Set about repairing what I broke and know that this earthquake won't keep us from loving each other. I will pray that there are no 'wounds' that can't heal. I will learn from this and try to have more tact and be more sensitive to their hearts. (you would've thought I'd know that by now?!) Mostly...I will love them. Nothing can change that. Not even the earth coming apart.
I don't know why this is such a sticking point for me. I don't always do my hair or makeup. I don't always greet the world with my best face on. I always figure it's because of limited resources. Can't afford a haircut, can barely afford to buy box color to cover my grays!
It's not that I don't think our girls are beautiful...I DO!...but in certain girls, it changes their whole attitude when they're all put together. We have one girl who is a definite jeans and ponytail girl. However, she carries confidence like it's a backpack. No one will stand in her way! We have one girl who is always put together. She won't leave the house without being put together. Then, there is the in between girl. She is beautiful, on the inside and outside. When she is all put together, she carries herself differently. She sparkles a bit more, has more of a 'take charge' attitude. She doesn't see it. Those around her do. It's almost like she's got the superhero alter ego thing going on.
I never know how to approach it. Never know what to say. Today there is a big presentation, I thought we'd do hair/makeup stuff. Well, as the earth crumbled under my feet, I learned that was the wrong idea. It ended up with her crying, me yelling and the other girls just trying to stay out of the rubble. Certainly this was a 'Worst Mom of the Year' moment. It feels like I have lots of those. Sigh. Perhaps I need to take a class about how to have tact.
I don't think it's so much much about the makeup. I think it's more about the sparkle and confidence. This particular girl doesn't like to think that it changes things in her. It does. I think it does in everyone. I think if anyone feels like they look good, there is a certain level of confidence and personal strength that goes with that. And I can tell when this kiddo isn't feeling it! I really just wanted her to feel it today. Now i just feel defeated....and I'm sure she does too. The earthquake overtook us.
Being a mom is hard. You learn from your mother what NOT to do, and often what to do. You gain knowledge as time goes on, you learn what works and what doesn't. Most times, you learn what not to say. Sometimes, you say things innocently and they are taken completely out of context. It's when those out of context moments happen that you're left in the rubble, the earthquake having moved over you, leaving you exhausted.
So...what to do? Apologize. To everyone. (cause the fall out was more than just the one girl) Pray. Constantly. Try not to kick myself to hard. My heart hurts when they're hurt, it hurts worse when I've contributed. The hardest thing about being a mom....knowing that you're capable of hurting (emotionally) the people who you love most. Unintentional? Yes....that doesn't make it better. I just want so much for them, it doesn't make sense when they appear to not want those things as well.
Today, I will pick myself up. Dust myself off. Set about repairing what I broke and know that this earthquake won't keep us from loving each other. I will pray that there are no 'wounds' that can't heal. I will learn from this and try to have more tact and be more sensitive to their hearts. (you would've thought I'd know that by now?!) Mostly...I will love them. Nothing can change that. Not even the earth coming apart.
Wednesday, April 24, 2013
The Expiration Date (HA!)
Just today, I watched a video that a friend of mine made. (TheRedheadMusic.com) After his initial greeting and antics, he got down to what the video was about. Death. And where he's going after he dies, and why he doesn't worry about his expiration date. That got me thinking.
Years ago, as a young teen, I would ask God to please not come back until I had children. All I ever wanted was to love and be loved. Having children was the most important thing to me. I was afraid that God would come or take me before I really got to be loved. (Amazing...His love truly is ALL I need! He loves me unconditionally and without pause! I know that now!)
After having a child, my pleas became "Please, let me see her grow up." After having more children, I would sit up late at night, crying. My heart ached, thinking of losing a daughter or them losing me. I would sit and watch whichever baby was sleeping soundly and beg God to "Please, don't let me die before they're grown." I had visions of them wandering the house, searching for me and me no where to be found. My mommy heart grieved in sorrow with these horrible scenarios. I wasn't worried about where I or they would go, I was worried about my life without them or their life without me. I didn't want to expire!
Once, when Colt girl was about 2, God showed me that I was getting to see them grow up. Every day they grew. Every day those marvelous girls changed. Every day I saw something new. And with Colt girl being my youngest at the time, somethings were the "last first time". (get it?) I had peace, for the first time. God knew something though. He knew that grace girl and bonus would come along before too long. The year following grace girls birth....9/11 happened. My fears of death and war and sorrow whapped me upside the head. I was terrified again. The enemy grabbed a hold of my mind, my heart and yanked me around. God reminded me that He alone is sovereign.
Sometimes, fear will grip my heart. What if they really didn't become saved? What if they don't really understand? WHAT IF THEY DON'T REALLY KNOW HIM?! His presence comes around me, His hand holding mine. Like always, with all things concerning me/the girls/Matty, He reminds me that He's got this. He alone knows their hearts. He alone has a plan. He alone sees the entire film strip, including anyone's expiration dates.
Within the past few years, as the girls have gotten older, my prayers have turned to grandchildren. No longer do I ask Him not to come, but I ask Him that I will be allowed to have grandchildren to snuggle. And I do! I have one sweet grand girl that I get to cuddle and love on and spoil rotten. Her mother worries about the end of things, I can tell. She worries that she won't get to see this little Reyasunshine grow up. I don't know how things will go down and sometimes, I still get frightened by the end of things, the BIG expiration date. I think that's only human. But the truth is, I am His. I know I am a sinner, know that I can not DO anything to be saved and enter into His presence. He saved ME! I know that He died on the cross, took my sin (and the worlds) and rose again on the 3rd day after His death. I believe. So, because of that, I KNOW I get to praise and worship Him after my expiring. How about you?
I have gotten to have children (check), see them grow up (check), see my grand girl (check) and be loved by an amazing man. That was a bonus. I don't really have a "bucket list". If I did, those things were on it. What a joy to have experienced so much. Do I want to expire? No, not really. Not yet. I have 5 other daughters to marry off, and other grandbabies to meet. But....His plan is His and He alone knows it. I'm going to enjoy this time, enjoy this moment and grow up a little bit more.
On my not "bucket list": going to Disneyland next year! Yippee!!
"....that if you confess with your mouth Jesus as Lord, and believe in your heart the God raised Him from the dead, you shall be saved..." romans 10:9
That's all folks....
Years ago, as a young teen, I would ask God to please not come back until I had children. All I ever wanted was to love and be loved. Having children was the most important thing to me. I was afraid that God would come or take me before I really got to be loved. (Amazing...His love truly is ALL I need! He loves me unconditionally and without pause! I know that now!)
After having a child, my pleas became "Please, let me see her grow up." After having more children, I would sit up late at night, crying. My heart ached, thinking of losing a daughter or them losing me. I would sit and watch whichever baby was sleeping soundly and beg God to "Please, don't let me die before they're grown." I had visions of them wandering the house, searching for me and me no where to be found. My mommy heart grieved in sorrow with these horrible scenarios. I wasn't worried about where I or they would go, I was worried about my life without them or their life without me. I didn't want to expire!
Once, when Colt girl was about 2, God showed me that I was getting to see them grow up. Every day they grew. Every day those marvelous girls changed. Every day I saw something new. And with Colt girl being my youngest at the time, somethings were the "last first time". (get it?) I had peace, for the first time. God knew something though. He knew that grace girl and bonus would come along before too long. The year following grace girls birth....9/11 happened. My fears of death and war and sorrow whapped me upside the head. I was terrified again. The enemy grabbed a hold of my mind, my heart and yanked me around. God reminded me that He alone is sovereign.
Sometimes, fear will grip my heart. What if they really didn't become saved? What if they don't really understand? WHAT IF THEY DON'T REALLY KNOW HIM?! His presence comes around me, His hand holding mine. Like always, with all things concerning me/the girls/Matty, He reminds me that He's got this. He alone knows their hearts. He alone has a plan. He alone sees the entire film strip, including anyone's expiration dates.
Within the past few years, as the girls have gotten older, my prayers have turned to grandchildren. No longer do I ask Him not to come, but I ask Him that I will be allowed to have grandchildren to snuggle. And I do! I have one sweet grand girl that I get to cuddle and love on and spoil rotten. Her mother worries about the end of things, I can tell. She worries that she won't get to see this little Reyasunshine grow up. I don't know how things will go down and sometimes, I still get frightened by the end of things, the BIG expiration date. I think that's only human. But the truth is, I am His. I know I am a sinner, know that I can not DO anything to be saved and enter into His presence. He saved ME! I know that He died on the cross, took my sin (and the worlds) and rose again on the 3rd day after His death. I believe. So, because of that, I KNOW I get to praise and worship Him after my expiring. How about you?
I have gotten to have children (check), see them grow up (check), see my grand girl (check) and be loved by an amazing man. That was a bonus. I don't really have a "bucket list". If I did, those things were on it. What a joy to have experienced so much. Do I want to expire? No, not really. Not yet. I have 5 other daughters to marry off, and other grandbabies to meet. But....His plan is His and He alone knows it. I'm going to enjoy this time, enjoy this moment and grow up a little bit more.
On my not "bucket list": going to Disneyland next year! Yippee!!
"....that if you confess with your mouth Jesus as Lord, and believe in your heart the God raised Him from the dead, you shall be saved..." romans 10:9
That's all folks....
Thursday, April 18, 2013
The Momma Bear
Yup, that's me. The Momma Bear. And let me tell you something, don't mess with my cubs.
Recently, a certain someone has resurfaced in our lives. This someone had a non relationship with one of our cubs. He strung her a long the "I like you path" for a good long while. Finally, the string was broken and they really went their separate ways. Cut to a year later. He's back, emotions in overdrive. And of course, looking at our girl like he always did. Our girl is flattered. Who wouldn't be?? But, as per usual, a few texting days later....someone has left the building. She doesn't get it. She didn't ask him to come back around, didn't ask him to confess what feelings he has. She certainly didn't ask him to cause upheaval in her life. She's just calmly building her life, waiting for God's direction.
And this, dear readers, is what make this Momma Bear mad. I know that boys eventually outgrow stupidity. I know that girls have just as much growth going on, but somehow we seem to have it much more together quicker! I've seen my fair share of this with our girls. Boys that come around, then change their minds. Boys that profess 'love' then 2 weeks later forget. Golly, one boy professed love then broke up with our girl the same day. I know that life is confusing and emotions lie. BUT don't drag our girl into the bramble bush.
Funny, once I was the 'boy'. I would drag unsuspecting boys around on a leash, then cut them loose with no explanation. It looks so much different as the Momma Bear. I'm the one that sees the hurt in their eyes, wipes their tears and hugs them tight. I'm the one that gets angry on their behalf when they're confused as to what the heck just happened. I'm the one that desires to just kick those boys in the fannies and yell at them to wake up. They're going to miss the best things that ever could happen to them.
This boy cub, he's emotionally hurting. His life changed rather rapidly. And while I have sympathy for that, I will not tolerate him causing hurt and confusion in our girl. (AGAIN) She will be his "What If". If they never get it together, he will always wonder what might've happened. And I am sorry for him, and whoever his future wife may be. Our cub will be okay. As I said before, she's waiting for God. Sometimes impatiently, but waiting none the less. I know He will honor her heart with a mate that will love Him first, her second. They will serve Him with their lives. She deserves that and so much more. She deserves the man God created for her....the waiting may be tough, but in the end it will be worth it.
Yes, I love our girls. No, I don't think they're perfect. But I do believe that God honors heart felt pleas. I believe that God loves them more than I. I believe that God allows for second chances and if the ONE by chance makes a different decision then He has another. I believe that some of our girls will wait and others will hurry along to write their own ending. All in all, it's Him. No matter what we try to write, He always finishes the story differently than we expect. And I love that.
Boy Cubs: If you want to love one of ours, be honest about it. Stop waiting for the BIG SIGN....sometimes, it's the small ones that are meant to get your attention. Don't focus on the what ifs, go for the right nows. Otherwise, back off. This Momma Bear bites. :)
Recently, a certain someone has resurfaced in our lives. This someone had a non relationship with one of our cubs. He strung her a long the "I like you path" for a good long while. Finally, the string was broken and they really went their separate ways. Cut to a year later. He's back, emotions in overdrive. And of course, looking at our girl like he always did. Our girl is flattered. Who wouldn't be?? But, as per usual, a few texting days later....someone has left the building. She doesn't get it. She didn't ask him to come back around, didn't ask him to confess what feelings he has. She certainly didn't ask him to cause upheaval in her life. She's just calmly building her life, waiting for God's direction.
And this, dear readers, is what make this Momma Bear mad. I know that boys eventually outgrow stupidity. I know that girls have just as much growth going on, but somehow we seem to have it much more together quicker! I've seen my fair share of this with our girls. Boys that come around, then change their minds. Boys that profess 'love' then 2 weeks later forget. Golly, one boy professed love then broke up with our girl the same day. I know that life is confusing and emotions lie. BUT don't drag our girl into the bramble bush.
Funny, once I was the 'boy'. I would drag unsuspecting boys around on a leash, then cut them loose with no explanation. It looks so much different as the Momma Bear. I'm the one that sees the hurt in their eyes, wipes their tears and hugs them tight. I'm the one that gets angry on their behalf when they're confused as to what the heck just happened. I'm the one that desires to just kick those boys in the fannies and yell at them to wake up. They're going to miss the best things that ever could happen to them.
This boy cub, he's emotionally hurting. His life changed rather rapidly. And while I have sympathy for that, I will not tolerate him causing hurt and confusion in our girl. (AGAIN) She will be his "What If". If they never get it together, he will always wonder what might've happened. And I am sorry for him, and whoever his future wife may be. Our cub will be okay. As I said before, she's waiting for God. Sometimes impatiently, but waiting none the less. I know He will honor her heart with a mate that will love Him first, her second. They will serve Him with their lives. She deserves that and so much more. She deserves the man God created for her....the waiting may be tough, but in the end it will be worth it.
Yes, I love our girls. No, I don't think they're perfect. But I do believe that God honors heart felt pleas. I believe that God loves them more than I. I believe that God allows for second chances and if the ONE by chance makes a different decision then He has another. I believe that some of our girls will wait and others will hurry along to write their own ending. All in all, it's Him. No matter what we try to write, He always finishes the story differently than we expect. And I love that.
Boy Cubs: If you want to love one of ours, be honest about it. Stop waiting for the BIG SIGN....sometimes, it's the small ones that are meant to get your attention. Don't focus on the what ifs, go for the right nows. Otherwise, back off. This Momma Bear bites. :)
Monday, April 8, 2013
Those Magic Moments
I don't believe in magic. Don't believe in unicorns, leprechauns or genie's. We don't let our girls watch Harry Potter, but do let them watch Disney movies. We don't watch Twilight, but Chicken and I love to watch "Buffy, the Vampire Slayer". Probably because the vampires in Buffy aren't sparkly odd balls. I may not believe in magic, but I do believe in the magic moments of life. (AHA! Wondering when I would throw the title in, huh?)
Those moments begin to shape and define our world. We tuck them away, inside our hearts and hold them close. Our colt girl has had more romantic, 'magic' airport (movieish) moments than one young girl should have. Last year, as he left, he leaned over the security line and tucked a necklace into her hands and said "So you don't forget me." She sighed and whispered back, "I could never forget you."
This year, parting was great sorrow. He almost missed his flight, he was hugging her so long then standing at the exit doors on the other side of security, watching and waving. Those moments are hers, tucked inside her heart. It made me reflect on my own moments.
Down memory lane we go......
Matty once took me above the city, played Journey and cuddled me as we watched the twinkling lights of the city. After a HUGE fight.
Hillary was born, Emily was born, Chellsei was born, Kaily was born, Savannah was born and finally, Harley was born. Those were intense magic moments.
When I say, 'Honey! I have an idea!' Matty (mostly) listens...even if it involves painting.
Reya was born.
My dad cried the day he gave me away.
Meeting friend in California. That was the MOST fun!
Going to Disneyland every year for 4 years.
....there are so many more. Most of them involve the girls, involve Matty, friends and family.
The colt girl's moments, those belong to her. I realized as I watched them watch each other from across and behind airport doors, that those moments didn't involve me. I watched him take steps to go through the doors that would bring him back to her arms. Watched her shoo him back, tears streaming down her face. I watched as an observer, one removed. Until I pulled her away, then it became part of my story. I sorrow a little. I am not quite ready for her to love someone this way. It was a magic moment that I only got to see, not be a part of. As her mother, my heart sorrowed a bit.
God blesses us with those moments when we aren't looking for them. Sometimes, we try to make them happen. The results of that aren't always what we hoped. As young girls, we hope and dream of our Prince Charming, and the moment he'll sweep us off our feet. Sometimes, the love story is just like that. Sometimes, it's not. But take heart, each moment IS written by the Author, the Creator of life.
Anything we may try to put into play, He sees and knows.
The best magic moment: The one where I realized that I am truly His beloved. I am His bride, He delights in me. There is a moment every day that I breathe easier knowing I belong to Him. Often it consists of Him reminding me that I haven't chatted with him lately....a loving whap on the head. Those moments when I know it's Him and Him alone that I can take comfort in. The breeze that blows my way after I pray for it, the phone call telling me someone loves me, the calm after I pray. That is Him. He is the greatest love story.
As we watch things unfold around us, I am reminded to find the magic in the every day. I don't want to miss it, don't want to be complacent. I don't know how colt girl's story will end...but I'm flattered to be an observer, if a little sad. Take some time today, friend, to enjoy Those Magic Moments. And don't blink, you might miss them.
Those moments begin to shape and define our world. We tuck them away, inside our hearts and hold them close. Our colt girl has had more romantic, 'magic' airport (movieish) moments than one young girl should have. Last year, as he left, he leaned over the security line and tucked a necklace into her hands and said "So you don't forget me." She sighed and whispered back, "I could never forget you."
This year, parting was great sorrow. He almost missed his flight, he was hugging her so long then standing at the exit doors on the other side of security, watching and waving. Those moments are hers, tucked inside her heart. It made me reflect on my own moments.
Down memory lane we go......
Matty once took me above the city, played Journey and cuddled me as we watched the twinkling lights of the city. After a HUGE fight.
Hillary was born, Emily was born, Chellsei was born, Kaily was born, Savannah was born and finally, Harley was born. Those were intense magic moments.
When I say, 'Honey! I have an idea!' Matty (mostly) listens...even if it involves painting.
Reya was born.
My dad cried the day he gave me away.
Meeting friend in California. That was the MOST fun!
Going to Disneyland every year for 4 years.
....there are so many more. Most of them involve the girls, involve Matty, friends and family.
The colt girl's moments, those belong to her. I realized as I watched them watch each other from across and behind airport doors, that those moments didn't involve me. I watched him take steps to go through the doors that would bring him back to her arms. Watched her shoo him back, tears streaming down her face. I watched as an observer, one removed. Until I pulled her away, then it became part of my story. I sorrow a little. I am not quite ready for her to love someone this way. It was a magic moment that I only got to see, not be a part of. As her mother, my heart sorrowed a bit.
God blesses us with those moments when we aren't looking for them. Sometimes, we try to make them happen. The results of that aren't always what we hoped. As young girls, we hope and dream of our Prince Charming, and the moment he'll sweep us off our feet. Sometimes, the love story is just like that. Sometimes, it's not. But take heart, each moment IS written by the Author, the Creator of life.
Anything we may try to put into play, He sees and knows.
The best magic moment: The one where I realized that I am truly His beloved. I am His bride, He delights in me. There is a moment every day that I breathe easier knowing I belong to Him. Often it consists of Him reminding me that I haven't chatted with him lately....a loving whap on the head. Those moments when I know it's Him and Him alone that I can take comfort in. The breeze that blows my way after I pray for it, the phone call telling me someone loves me, the calm after I pray. That is Him. He is the greatest love story.
As we watch things unfold around us, I am reminded to find the magic in the every day. I don't want to miss it, don't want to be complacent. I don't know how colt girl's story will end...but I'm flattered to be an observer, if a little sad. Take some time today, friend, to enjoy Those Magic Moments. And don't blink, you might miss them.
Saturday, March 30, 2013
The Absolute Truth
Disclaimer: The following deals with spousal abuse in absolute truth.
The Absolute Truth is this: I have no idea what I'm doing. I travel through life quickly, telling others my opinion, my story, my views. I tell people what they could do differently and what I think needs to be changed in their lives. But honestly, I have no idea. I'm just a wife/mother/friend/lover/enemy.
When Hillary was born, I had an idea of what being a mother and wife looked like. I would make dinner for my husband, our daughter would be perfect and I would be the best housekeeper ever. Instead, my house was a mess, my husband hit me and our daughter....well, she WAS perfect. She was my reason for living. When he started hitting me, I thought it was my fault. That somehow, I had created his animosity. I thought if I did better/looked better it would all be ok. It wasn't. I lived for 2 years under his rule. Once, I even told him I forgave him. I figured he must not know what he was doing....overtaken by rage, certainly he lost himself and didn't mean to hurt me. He quite nonchalantly informed me that he knew exactly what he was doing. People looked the other way, ignored the lumps and bruises and accepted my excuses of running into doors and cabinets. When his parents found out, they confirmed my worst fears: they said he wouldn't have to hit me if I kept a cleaner house.
Right before his birthday one year, I left. He had been hitting me and I saw our tiny daughter, not quite 2, cowering behind the recliner. All I could think was that I didn't want her to think it was okay. No way was I going to let her believe that was how SHE deserved to be treated. My vision changed of how to be a mother. I was 19, an abused woman and now single mother. I was scared. I had no idea how to do anything.
For years, I wondered why I had to go through that sorrow. The almost dying, the insecurity, the physical pain. And then I met someone. She was abused...her heart ached. I saw her. Recognized her. I had been her. She is still with her husband, but I pray someday she finds the courage to truly leave....or he truly changes. My ex never did. After our divorce, he killed a child. Spent 12 years in prison after pleading no contest. I thank God every day for delivering Hillary and I from that life.
As I had more children, I struggled to be the mother God intended me to be. I had 3 children in 3 years....add to that Hillary and my (ex)step-son. The Absolute Truth is: I was overwhelmed. I wasn't grown up, I was PLAYING grown up. Everything about me was sad. I was heavy, didn't take care of my house. I did take care of the kids...they were my world. I couldn't imagine my life without my children. They were always mine...never my 2nd husbands. My life was only complete as long as the children were in it. I couldn't picture my life after they were grown....couldn't picture my home empty, children gone their own directions. Slowly, things changed. I went through my selfish phase, met Matty and finally grew up.
The Absolute Truth? I can picture our life after the girls are gone. I'm loving being a grandma and I'm excited to watch the girls grow. My heart aches when I think they will be hurt, my heart sorrows when they are sad. I want to protect them, but I know they need to fly away.....and experience the life God has planned for them. My plan seldom is His plan. I always want things to be just so, and they rarely ever are. I can see where sometimes my plan does align up with His...but it's typically AFTER I've given up. I'm stubborn. Looking back over my own life, I see where the road would've been different. I was meant to marry Matty....I just went the hard way around the mountain instead of just waiting for God to unfold the path across it. And that's the way He works. I don't blame Him for the abuse, never did. I questioned Him, but that's okay. Sometimes there were answers, sometimes there was silence. Sometimes it was years before I got the answer I looked for.
The Absolute Truth: He allowed me to travel around the mountain that is my life. He allowed me to stay and wallow in the pit of my own making. Then He took my decisions and fashioned great things out of them. He allowed me to finally look past myself into the great big world and find joy in the things that brought me sorrow. He allows me glimpses of each girls future, reassuring me that He's got them. And no one can snatch them away. He is the King. I am His child, His beloved.
The Absolute Truth: If you are being hurt please know that it is NOT okay. You are worth more than the sum of one person's fist, the sum of what the world overlooks. You may not feel it, but you ARE precious in His sight. He sees the sparrow, believe me my dear one, He sees YOU! In the darkness, He is the light. Tomorrow is Easter. The day He died, took all my sin (and yours) and provided a way to live with Him forever. The story didn't end there...He rose again. He lives today.
The Absolute Truth: I'm feeling somber today. I wait and watch to see how a plan will unfold. For me, that is nerve wracking. Truth....He already knows how it unfolds....across the mountain we go.
The Absolute Truth is this: I have no idea what I'm doing. I travel through life quickly, telling others my opinion, my story, my views. I tell people what they could do differently and what I think needs to be changed in their lives. But honestly, I have no idea. I'm just a wife/mother/friend/lover/enemy.
When Hillary was born, I had an idea of what being a mother and wife looked like. I would make dinner for my husband, our daughter would be perfect and I would be the best housekeeper ever. Instead, my house was a mess, my husband hit me and our daughter....well, she WAS perfect. She was my reason for living. When he started hitting me, I thought it was my fault. That somehow, I had created his animosity. I thought if I did better/looked better it would all be ok. It wasn't. I lived for 2 years under his rule. Once, I even told him I forgave him. I figured he must not know what he was doing....overtaken by rage, certainly he lost himself and didn't mean to hurt me. He quite nonchalantly informed me that he knew exactly what he was doing. People looked the other way, ignored the lumps and bruises and accepted my excuses of running into doors and cabinets. When his parents found out, they confirmed my worst fears: they said he wouldn't have to hit me if I kept a cleaner house.
Right before his birthday one year, I left. He had been hitting me and I saw our tiny daughter, not quite 2, cowering behind the recliner. All I could think was that I didn't want her to think it was okay. No way was I going to let her believe that was how SHE deserved to be treated. My vision changed of how to be a mother. I was 19, an abused woman and now single mother. I was scared. I had no idea how to do anything.
For years, I wondered why I had to go through that sorrow. The almost dying, the insecurity, the physical pain. And then I met someone. She was abused...her heart ached. I saw her. Recognized her. I had been her. She is still with her husband, but I pray someday she finds the courage to truly leave....or he truly changes. My ex never did. After our divorce, he killed a child. Spent 12 years in prison after pleading no contest. I thank God every day for delivering Hillary and I from that life.
As I had more children, I struggled to be the mother God intended me to be. I had 3 children in 3 years....add to that Hillary and my (ex)step-son. The Absolute Truth is: I was overwhelmed. I wasn't grown up, I was PLAYING grown up. Everything about me was sad. I was heavy, didn't take care of my house. I did take care of the kids...they were my world. I couldn't imagine my life without my children. They were always mine...never my 2nd husbands. My life was only complete as long as the children were in it. I couldn't picture my life after they were grown....couldn't picture my home empty, children gone their own directions. Slowly, things changed. I went through my selfish phase, met Matty and finally grew up.
The Absolute Truth? I can picture our life after the girls are gone. I'm loving being a grandma and I'm excited to watch the girls grow. My heart aches when I think they will be hurt, my heart sorrows when they are sad. I want to protect them, but I know they need to fly away.....and experience the life God has planned for them. My plan seldom is His plan. I always want things to be just so, and they rarely ever are. I can see where sometimes my plan does align up with His...but it's typically AFTER I've given up. I'm stubborn. Looking back over my own life, I see where the road would've been different. I was meant to marry Matty....I just went the hard way around the mountain instead of just waiting for God to unfold the path across it. And that's the way He works. I don't blame Him for the abuse, never did. I questioned Him, but that's okay. Sometimes there were answers, sometimes there was silence. Sometimes it was years before I got the answer I looked for.
The Absolute Truth: He allowed me to travel around the mountain that is my life. He allowed me to stay and wallow in the pit of my own making. Then He took my decisions and fashioned great things out of them. He allowed me to finally look past myself into the great big world and find joy in the things that brought me sorrow. He allows me glimpses of each girls future, reassuring me that He's got them. And no one can snatch them away. He is the King. I am His child, His beloved.
The Absolute Truth: If you are being hurt please know that it is NOT okay. You are worth more than the sum of one person's fist, the sum of what the world overlooks. You may not feel it, but you ARE precious in His sight. He sees the sparrow, believe me my dear one, He sees YOU! In the darkness, He is the light. Tomorrow is Easter. The day He died, took all my sin (and yours) and provided a way to live with Him forever. The story didn't end there...He rose again. He lives today.
The Absolute Truth: I'm feeling somber today. I wait and watch to see how a plan will unfold. For me, that is nerve wracking. Truth....He already knows how it unfolds....across the mountain we go.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)