The Earthquake

It starts out innocently enough: I ask one of the girls why they aren't wearing contacts/makeup/etc or why they haven't done their hair. They hear "You're not good enough." That leads to a rumble. In their response, they flip a little attitude, I get a little angry at that attitude. The rumble gets louder, the earth starts to shift. Before too much time has passed, it's a yelling match. She's pretty sure I'm saying she's not good enough, I'm really saying that her confidence level goes up by 75% when her hair and makeup is done. A full blown earthquake ensues. The world crashes down around me/us.

I don't know why this is such a sticking point for me. I don't always do my hair or makeup. I don't always greet the world with my best face on. I always figure it's because of limited resources. Can't afford a haircut, can barely afford to buy box color to cover my grays!

It's not that I don't think our girls are beautiful...I DO!...but in certain girls, it changes their whole attitude when they're all put together. We have one girl who is a definite jeans and ponytail girl. However, she carries confidence like it's a backpack. No one will stand in her way! We have one girl who is always put together. She won't leave the house without being put together. Then, there is the in between girl. She is beautiful, on the inside and outside. When she is all put together, she carries herself differently. She sparkles a bit more, has more of a 'take charge' attitude. She doesn't see it. Those around her do. It's almost like she's got the superhero alter ego thing going on.

I never know how to approach it. Never know what to say. Today there is a big presentation, I thought we'd do hair/makeup stuff. Well, as the earth crumbled under my feet, I learned that was the wrong idea. It ended up with her crying, me yelling and the other girls just trying to stay out of the rubble. Certainly this was a 'Worst Mom of the Year' moment. It feels like I have lots of those. Sigh. Perhaps I need to take a class about how to have tact.

I don't think it's so much much about the makeup. I think it's more about the sparkle and confidence. This particular girl doesn't like to think that it changes things in her. It does. I think it does in everyone. I think if anyone feels like they look good, there is a certain level of confidence and personal strength that goes with that. And I can tell when this kiddo isn't feeling it! I really just wanted her to feel it today. Now i just feel defeated....and I'm sure she does too. The earthquake overtook us.

Being a mom is hard. You learn from your mother what NOT to do, and often what to do. You gain knowledge as time goes on, you learn what works and what doesn't. Most times, you learn what not to say. Sometimes, you say things innocently and they are taken completely out of context. It's when those out of context moments happen that you're left in the rubble, the earthquake having moved over you, leaving you exhausted.

So...what to do? Apologize. To everyone. (cause the fall out was more than just the one girl) Pray. Constantly. Try not to kick myself to hard. My heart hurts when they're hurt, it hurts worse when I've contributed. The hardest thing about being a mom....knowing that you're capable of hurting (emotionally) the people who you love most. Unintentional? Yes....that doesn't make it better. I just want so much for them, it doesn't make sense when they appear to not want those things as well.

Today, I will pick myself up. Dust myself off. Set about repairing what I broke and know that this earthquake won't keep us from loving each other. I will pray that there are no 'wounds' that can't heal. I will learn from this and try to have more tact and be more sensitive to their hearts. (you would've thought I'd know that by now?!) Mostly...I will love them. Nothing can change that. Not even the earth coming apart.