The "What Ifs"

Heavy words: What If? Looking over my life, I see numerous "what if" forks in the twisted roads I've travelled. And each road has it's own sorrows and also it's own temptations. Like: the boy I didn't marry, the man I DID marry, the time I went to visit my grandparents and the time I shouldn't have. Sure, I'm settled and my life flows pretty well. I see God's blessing every where I look and just last night I thanked Him for allowing me the priveledge to be mother to 6 of His children. BUT...What If?
What If: I had gotten back together with Strawberry Milk Boy? We had planned on having children. If we'd had a girl, her name was going to be Brittney Elisha. I would've lived in the town I'd grown up in, he never would've joined the military and maybe we still would be married. Sounds ok, huh? EXCEPT! There would be no Hillary. And would I miss her? No, cause I wouldn't know she was supposed to exist. But that's not how it went....so I do know. It went like this: I refused to get back together with him. Moved with my parents. Went to visit grandparents in Cali. Met Navy man and the rest is Hillary history.
What If: I hadn't married Navy man? Well, I would still have Hillary.....that's a bonus. I wouldn't have been abused for 2 years, wouldn't have had to flee for my life and lived in fear for years. I also wouldn't have grown, wouldn't have known I was capable of surviving and living. Also, I wouldn't be able to "see" abused women. It wasn't fun and it wasn't pretty, but God blessed me through it and now He uses me to reach others sometimes.
What If: I hadn't married the Nice guy? Welllllll, I wouldn't have my "Stairsteps". And boy do I love them! I wouldn't have hurt his heart, wouldn't have "been" David. Wouldn't have been a part in his broken relationship with the 3 girls. Or have been the cause. Or have been convinced of God's total grace, because if He can love me through that and bless me afterwards He is gracious indeed. My sorrow is heavy on this road, but I am free.
What If: I hadn't worn the scarlet letter? Would Matt be a christian? I know that the girl I call grace and the one I call the bonus wouldn't be here. This road is one I don't look down. Ever. Because it's not worth it. I beat myself up, causing bruises and wounds to myself. I remind God of my sin and He says "What are you talking about, child?" When I even glimpse down this road, the enemy reminds me of where I have been and tries to throw me back into the pit. I don't let him anymore, but I have to work at it. It's easy to get caught up in the "What Ifs" of life. Sometimes, the "What Ifs" find you....Strawberry Milk Boy called a couple of years ago. And, oh, the "what ifs" flooded my mind. But not anymore....threw away his number, told my husband and checked myself out of any appearance of evil! The enemy is very real, very strong and is looking for our weaknessess. And the "What Ifs" are a weakness for anyone, everyone. What Ifs are not always so heavy. Sometimes, it's about having dessert, or a new paint color. But alot of the time, it's about the roads in our twisted lives.....just remember where you're at, that's where God is. And every road you've travelled has been one He's watched over you on.

What If: I'd had BOYS.....UGH!