Keep, Take and Donate

It was a fantastic Christmas. Full of laughter, tears, yelling and.....huh? Yes, I said yelling. No explanation, it's just what it was.
Our daughter flew herself home. It was an amazing Christmas gift to open the front door and see her there! And all I could say was "Your presents are in Missouri." Yes, world, that's what I said. I know, it was a moment of complete brilliance. I'm sure you are shaking your head in awe of my brilliance.
And now it's Forward into the New Year. And it's time to say goodbye to our 20 year old. Again. And this time it's different. When she left in August, it was a desperate move. A move to provide safety and haven. A move to heal. My heart broke. Over the past months, I've heard growth in her voice, in her attitude and her words. Even with some "blips" on the screen this past week, I've seen the growth. We pulled out some boxes that were packed up in 2009 and went through them. Memories abounded. Drawings, poetry....it was all there. We separated things into piles: keep, take and donate and a box for trash. Before I knew it, the donate pile had grown. And right on top were her "kitty" ears. They are a cat ear headband, camo in color with sparkly sequiny (official word, by the way) things on the inside of the ear part. She wore those for a year. Non-stop. In high school. Maybe they were her "safety". I don't know. But when I saw them, on top of the donate pile, I began to cry. She really had done some growing.....and I have missed it. I feel like I missed alot. Or maybe was just distracted. Was I the best mom? No. But I was the best I knew how to be. And with every girl, things change and I get just a little bit better at my "job". But with her, I don't get the luxury of another chance. I don't get to learn how to do it better. I learn along with her growth.....and her change. She is settled, growing and learning. Without me. And my heart aches a little. Ok, a lot. Yet, isn't this the way it's supposed to be? No one told me when I was pregnant that the hardest part would be letting them grow up....becoming adults. There is no manual, no handbook and no rule of thumb. (yes, I know the Bible is THE handbook, I'm talking about something different) There is no one who tells you how to stop the ache in a mommy's heart. I guess I have to grow too. Stop worrying about what I think I didn't do and start praying about what I can do now. I covered her in prayer before she was born, covered her during her youth and continue to do so in her adulthood. I think I just need someone to pray for me....to cover me all up as I learn how to be her mom now and let go.
It's been easy to just rearrange the puzzle and keep moving. Yet, it's really hard to have this puzzle piece fly away, into her new life so far away. I'm not sure how to do this, the letting go. It's different every time. This is the first time it's been cemented, the daughter being settled, her heart truly happy. Her home somewhere else. Maybe that's what makes this time the most different. She's not running away, she's going home. And I ache, just a little.


Side note: I kept the kitty ears.....