In The Beginning

Chatting with an old friend the other night over Facebook, I asked if I had always wanted, or talked about wanting, children. The answer was yes. Looking back, I realize that's very true. The little bits and pieces of my life that I do remember all involve wanting to be a mommy. Maybe it's because I wanted to be loved and I thought that a child would love me all the time. (Um, that is true....BUT there are times they don't act like it!) I'm not saying my parents didn't love me or that God didn't love me. I just didn't grasp what that love was all about.

In the beginning, there was me. I was a pretty girl. I liked the boys and boy did they like me. I was the girl I warn our girls not to be. Getting pregnant at 16, I felt fulfilled. When she was born, I was young and scared. At 17, I was ill prepared to be a mother. When I had the 2nd girl at 20 (almost 21), I wasn't any more prepared....just not as young. Still scared. There is something scary about getting handed a baby and all of a sudden you realize that YOU ARE RESPONSIBLE FOR HER FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE. All decisions that are made, all choices, all STUFF....it's all on YOU. ARGH!

Girls 3 and 4 were born within 17 months of each other. Apparently I wasn't feeling loved enough. Actually, having children was the only way I felt complete. I still hadn't quite grasped the whole being loved by God thing. I knew God, trusted God, WAS God's....but didn't allow that to permeate my being. (psssttt....here's a little secret: He created each daughter, so before you start thinking that there were ways to prevent those pregnancies know that in the beginning, He planned on creating them) He was so gracious to me, all these girls.

When I met Matty, I told him that I came with 4 children and I would give him 2. Of course they were girls. That's okay with me, though. Didn't know what I would do with a boy anyways! By the time the Little Bit was born, I wasn't scared. There was that momentary UM when they handed her to me and I once again realized that here was another tiny human that I would have to do right by. And despite our rocky beginning, Matty and I were very settled. I had, sometime during my "living in the pit" time, fully grasped who I was in Christ. I had allowed myself to be bathed in His love and His grace. I had reached and His hand had pulled me up and out. I was forgiven.

I realize that I was looking for His love in our children's faces. In boys' faces. I was trying to fill a hole with temporary things. Because, folks, even your children are temporary. At a certain point, you really AREN'T responsible for what they say and do. They grow up and do things on their own. They learn and love and cry and make mistakes. And I can tell and warn our girls not to be like I was because I realize it wasn't who God created me to be. In the beginning, He knew my name. He also knew the way I would travel and the choices I would make. He also, I reiterate, knew that each girl was going to be born. In fact, He chose their names as well. They were meant to be here, meant to be ours and meant to be loved. But they were never meant to be EVERYTHING, the end all, be all. He is.

God planted a desire in my heart for children. He knew what would unfold. When I began trying to write my own story, He nudged and loved and even sorrowed me. When I catch glimpses of my past, it always involves wanting children. Sometimes, I'm not sure why He thought I would be a good mother.....however, in His way, He blessed me with amazing children. His love allows me to love them better.....allows me to give grace. I am His beloved.

"In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God." John 1:1