The Fire Within

Enough rainbows and flowers. I'm mad. Angry and frustrated. Today is a day that nothing I do is right. When I talk to the onesI love I have to justify. I have to tread carefully and explain and exhaust myself emotionally. It colors everything. After one conversation, my attitude is not so great for the next person. The anger intensifies, grows and flourishes. Thoughts run rampant through my head. Running away, spending money and screaming very loudly seem viable options.
WHEN will they get it? When will it be enough? When will I be enough?? When I have gone to every length to protect and love and nurture....WHY isn't it enough?? Why must I constantly defend my actions? Defend every nuance of myself? WHY?!
As I sit here, listening to 80's music on Pandora, my body is relaxing....my heart rate slowing and my mind returning to sanity. There is a fire that gets lit. Anger. It's fanned by emotion, driven by pain and spread by pride. I get mad at Matty and I don't want to talk to him EVER again. I stomp, huff loudly and basically do everything I can to get noticed. Then I get MORE mad when he doesn't acknowledge me. Any of this sound familiar to anyone??
When one of my kiddos begins to tell me all the ways I have failed....or tells me how I didn't do something that I KNOW I did I get SO frustrated. That anger is fueled by hurt. How could they not remember? I did the best I could. I DO the best I can. I juggle alot of people....I'm trying my hardest to make sure no one gets lost. But in the process....I think I'm in the maze. Stuck behind a corner, struggling to catch up.
I remember so well going to volleyball games. Track meets, school conferences. Fun runs and carnivals. I remember hospital trips, doctor appointments and celebrating "womanhood". I remember broken hearts, suprise parties and loss of friendships. I remember my wedding day and when we renewed our vows. I remember the loss of one child and the successful birth of six others. I remember 6 daughters all born perfectly. Late night feedings....all day feedings in Savannah's case. I remember kittens, goldfish and dogs. I remember good grades, bad ones and all in between. Drama club, school plays and basketball games. Cheerleaders and earth patrol. I hold tight to the tears that have been shed, bottled the laughter and treasure each memory as it happens. It amazes me how I could love 6 girls so very differently yet so much the same. It amazes me how I love Matty....the way I feel he was created just for me. The other half of me. It amazes me that in this life I have been so blessed. I know I haven't been forgotten, know that deep down the girl who thinks I don't try enough KNOWS I'm doing the best I can. It hurts to restructure a puzzle...or a maze. I realize she has growing pains, is learning how to be a woman. Learning how she still fits and where her space is. I wish she would hear me. She fits in the space that is only hers. There is no fighting, no one pushing her out. It's just different. And it's right. It's what is supposed to happen. Growth, change and flourishing.
As I sit here finishing up my tirade, I am no longer angry. No longer hurting. I am reminded of how I am beloved. I want my fire within to be joy.....given by God, fanned by the Holy Spirit and driven by the Savior. I know that someday these daughters will get it. Someday they may be mothers themselves....and I know they'll get it.


I have neither run away nor spent money. I have, however, screamed very loudly.

Havoc

Last week, during my fantastic vacation with two of our girls, I was confronted by the reality of how rocks keep tumbling. And I began to wonder how someone could hold on to so much anger and resentment. How someone could claim to love someone else but be so bitter about his past. Yes, this is about one of my ex husbands. I will not bash....on this you have my word.
I have decided that Facebook is either a great tool or a tool of havoc. While I was gone, havoc was wreaked upon one of my girls who was home. Some words were said about me and Matty....unflattering things. Things that caused great sorrow in our girl. Things that caused our girl to sob. It breaks my heart that my actions so long ago have caused rocks to tumble. Yet....shall I really claim responsibility for his words? His actions? Perhaps it was my sin that began the avalanche, but when I repented and asked for forgiveness (from God and from him) was I not released? How long will the anger last, the bitterness cause a rift? He blames me for the shift in his relationship with the girls....however, that is not on me. A person makes their own decisions, chooses how to live their life. Sometimes pretends to move on, still holding on to anger, hurt and sorrow. I see their heartache, these daughters. The sorrow they feel, the frustration with broken promises and words that cause wounds. His anger to me has blinded his reality. And yet...how often do I do that? Allow something said to fester and become deep seeded? How about you? How often do you ignore someone because of a hurt or a slight? Every situation isn't like mine was 11 years ago, but I'm willing to bet we can all think of a situation where we're holding on to the madness of it all. And it's junk...stuff that causes us to lose focus....to disorient us and make us crazy. And sometimes, we hurt the innocents. For our own "gain" we hurt people we love. I believe he loves his daughters....I just think he hates me more. And for that I am sorry.
She's ok, our girl. We prayed and they called him out on it. The words still sit on his facebook page, with comments I will never repeat. Didn't hurt me, just made me really angry that these girls saw all of it. As a result, 2 of the girls defriended him. Every action has a consequence.....I took credit for this stuff for a long time as a consequence of my actions. Not anymore...I am free. Daughter of the most High King. Beloved.
I want to live better than that. Be more and love well. I will serve Him, love my husband and train up these girls. What someone else chooses to do is their business.

As for me and my house, we will serve the Lord!

The Variables

My story is different from your story. It's full of twists and turns, sorrow and joy. That is probably where the similarities to your story end. There are numerous variables in our lives. Perhaps you like to sew.....I only sew Girl Scout patches and buttons. Perhaps you scrapbook or stamp. You couldn't get me near that stuff. Not even for money, honey! Eeeeesh!
I have 6 daughters....you probably don't. And that's ok. It's the variables that endear us to eachother. I like that.
I see people I assume have a perfect life. I assume that when they go home, their children are perfectly behaved and their husband is loving and they are perfectly coiffed and dressed. Their dog probably doesn't throw up on their bed in the middle of the night. (Murphy sleeps in his kennel every night now)I assume that the money situation is better than mine and that they do devotions every night. I actually assume that of everyone I meet. Isn't that crazy?
Imagine my joy when I find out that the children I assume are perfect are far from it. When I see someone not all put together and I realize they just argued with their spouse. I don't find joy in their sorrow, but rather in the fact that I realize my family and me (Matt may disagree) are NORMAL. That sometimes kiddos fight and husbands get cranky and I don't have to agree with him all the time. That sometimes as kids grow up they make mistakes. Not my fault....I like knowing that. We are all so different. Yet, I think sometimes that I have more in commom with others than I realize. Perhaps someone even wants to be just like ME. Wouldn't that be a kicker?? I spend my time trying to figure out how to be like "her"....I forget that God created me to be ME. In the past few years I have embraced myself better. Highlighted my hair pink, debated on a tatoo (not yet) and just enjoyed things more.
The truth is, as perfect I think everyone else is, my heart knows it's a lie. Just because something looks "just so" doesn't mean it is. I don't know anyone else's inside life. Don't know the sorrows or joys they experience on a daily basis, don't know the heartache they feel or the laughter that flows. Just like they don't know mine. I write this blog to show people that things don't always work. I hope as people read they feel a sense of normal. That they realize that normal is closer than they think.....and find a sense of belonging in there somewhere.


The only real variable i have is God....He changes everything, makes it all better. And I love knowing He loves it when I laugh.

"Past meet Present"

Remember those twisty roads of my life I've chatted about? Well, some of them have intersected. And it's the scary road, the super curvy down a steep hill road.
I have always known that Hillary is curious about her paternal family. As many of you know, Matty adopted Hillary when she was 13. She legally and emotionally and birth certificate bindingly became a Leasure at that time. However, she does know that biologically Matty isn't her dad. (He was only 13 when she was born) So curiosity reigns and fantasy rules. Recently, she has gotten in touch with her Aunt. From the "other" side.
A quick history lesson: married the said Aunt's brother when I was 17. He was 23. Him: discharged from military. Me: young with new baby moving with new husband to the backwoods of Arkansas. Begin tragic tale of abuse and sorrow. We fled in February of 1992. Moved to current location in May of '92. 3 months later: he was arrested and charged with murder of his girlfriends child. Pled no contest, served 1/3 of his sentence. No contact from that side for 19 years.
Ok, all caught up? So now, my past has met my present. I knew it would happen, knew it was only a matter of time. Facebook is an interesting portal....and sometimes I curse it! I'm not sure what to do at this intersection. Granted the child is almost 21 (whew!) And I did my best to keep her safe and unaware until I (we) felt she was old enough. But now....sigh. I feel like I have to let go. Have to let her flesh this out, ask her questions and have healing in her heart. What I WANT to do is grab her and run. Grab her and protect her from what I deem is a threat. I want to cover her in kisses and soothe her heart. But I can't do that this time....she's a grown up. We've raised her well, taught her to love the Lord. She's claimed Him as her own. I've always known she wanted to know. Wanted to find the missing pieces in her puzzle. Or at lease what she feels are missing pieces.
The thing is, I never really protected her anyway. It was all God, all the time. He has watched over her since He created her. Silly me, thinking we were her only caregivers....silly human self.
We did our best, told her the truth. I never painted that side of her biology as monsters, never spoke badly. I knew the questions built, the curiosity got stronger. I knew this day was coming. Granted the aunt isn't the "donor" but they are in close proximity.
And so what do I do now? I'm scared. But have no reason to be. Not only is God protecting me, He gave me an awesome and fearless protector on earth. (Yes, Matty, it's you)And even though her dad can't be there to physically protect her, God will. He will guide her and caution her and provide a way for her to see truth. I need to trust that. And I need to let her go....and maybe raise my hands for the ride down the mountain.


ps- I msg'd the aunt....just to let her know we have Hillary's back.

A cup of this and a cup of that....

I was driving home this afternoon thinking about love. How it's "measured". How it's given and taken. How I give and take it. I started thinking about how my view of love has changed. Started thinking how naive I was and how the reality of the world has sunk into my brain. It's not always pretty and never easy.
Love that needs no introduction begins at birth. I'm not talking about the baby. They don't love you.....they need you. They have no concept of love. I'm talking about the mommy side of things. After carrying the little person around for 9 months under my heart, I just love them. Their every breath is fantastic, every sigh note worthy. Even when they cry....nothing can change the love. I so LOVE these daughters....amazingly I just realized within the last year that's how my mom loves me! Ponder that a moment, folks. Your mom loves you.....
Moving forward in time we reach young teenage love. Sigh. Everything roses and twitterpation and flutterbys. Can you hear the swell of musack? UGH. Not reality! Teenagers have filters for everything from conversations to sex. I have to remember when chatting with our girls it's "teen filtered" and truth may not be what it seems. They think (I did) that it's FOREVER! And that they've met the ONE. And he will love them ALWAYS. Or maybe that they will love him always. They measure in notes, and whispers and hand holding. They measure in how many times he says "I love you". And when the Holy Spirit says "Nope, not him" and they decide to obey after almost 4 months, they are the ones who break the heart. The good thing is, her heart is broken too. Sometimes, it's not always what we want to do, but what we NEED to do. And that can hurt just as much. As a teen, we put people on pedestals, make them our reason for living and breathing. That's a precarious position. Those pedestals are stone and can be broken. And if you're on it's harder to get off. Teens give away their "I love you"s easily. We caution against it....doesn't mean they listen.

As an adult, most people have had their heart broken at least once. By a parent, a spouse, a boyfriend/girlfriend or just a friend. Sometimes it's not about WHO the relationship is with. We become cautious, loving only when we feel worthy. Yet still, we hold something back. A little piece of ourselves, thinking we can recover if someone hurts us as long as we don't give it all. As for me, I measure. I measure Matt's love in silly ways. Like(don't laugh): wether he lets me take his nice new android phone with me to California so I can map the wait time for lines at Disneyland. He won't. STRIKE ONE! Like: Well, actually that's pretty much it right now. Good thing, because I don't know what I would do if he made it to STRIKE THREE! hahahhahaha, just kidding. I luf him. But, I still have been measuring....putting up an ideal and expectation. Do the kids do that with me? Measure how much time I do or don't spend with them and equate that to how much I love them??? I hope not! One girl asked me if love gets easier. I answered her honestly. I said NO. It doesn't. When you're young and dating, it's easy to walk away. When you've gotten married....well, you can't walk away without wounds. It's not easy to say goodbye to someone you've dated for a while, but it's devestating to leave someone you've been married to or be left by them. The sorrow from loving the wrong person can follow you. The joy of loving the right person....well that's just a gift from God. But how do you know, you may ask. Well, don't get ahead of God. He'll let you barrel right down the road into the life He didn't want for you. Pray....be willing to listen....be willing to wait. We can't measure by flutterbys, or feelings. At this stage, love is a decision. I want the girls to experience life, to be loved and to love. I want them to know joy and I want them to not measure. Sometimes, a pinch of this and a pinch of that is what's needed.....and sometimes it's ok to step outside the box and create a new ideal.

As always, the ultimate love is God. They are His brides....I pray they will honor Him.

The "Good" One

The softest sound. The sound of a daughter crying into her pillow, her sorrow palatable. My heart crying out to hers, wanting to hold her close and smack the boy who hurt her. It's the same girl, friends. And this is the boy who was worried about the "flow" of boys through her life, was worried about just being another "flowing" fellow. He wanted to be the "it". He waited almost 3 months to tell her he loved her. And I witnessed it. He held her close, whispered in her ear. I felt like I was intruding, sharing in something private. Yet here we are tonight. Her heart broken. Not sure where his is at. She feels played and like she'll never find a "good" one. Sigh. Personally, I think he lost out....big time.

BUT....there is a reason for the flow of boys in and out of her life. Minor reasons: She is careful with others hearts....she is only 15....she is able to witness, to share her love for God....which leads to the major reason:
God Himself! She is His bride! I believe He created someone just for her. But first, she has to be content with Him. She needs to lean on no other and learn to lay her burdens, cares and worries at His feet. He sees her. He knows her inside and out. He created her with a plan for her life. And He knows her distractions, mainly in boy form. I believe He is refining her. Maybe it's a silly thought, but who am I (or anyone else) to judge what refines someone?

She will remember this one. She, in her 15 heart, believes she LOVES him. Yet, for a while now, the still, quiet whisper of the Lord has been spoken into her heart. This girl has promised God she wouldn't kiss anyone unless he was her husband. The enemy had just about convinced her it was ok to give it to this boy. Amazing how the Lord's whisper got louder, how the words to a song at a concert spoke volumes and how it all fell apart just in time. The enemy strong, our God is stronger.

I wish I could say all the right things, spout wisdom like a fountain and, like always, wrap the girls in bubble wrap. I wish I could hand pick their husbands and put them in a box until they're ready for marriage. I wish I could know the future...and know if she'll ever get her kiss. I believe she will, believe God will honor her heart. But I also know that if that isn't His plan, He will give her peace. It comes down to this. God is the "Good" One. Not only that, He is the ONLY one that will ever love these daughters unconditionally and without ceasing. He will love them through sorrow and through happiness, through anger and hurt. Do I believe they will get married? Yes....but I only want that for them in God's time. And only according to HIS plan. Until then I will dry tears, snuggle them close and pray over and for them. And that's enough.

"'For I know the plans that I have for you, declares the Lord,'plans for welfare and not for calamity to give you a future and a hope. Then you will call upon Me and come and pray to Me, and I will listen to you.'" Jeremiah 29:11-12

she prays nightly for the boys who have flowed through her life....and she truly does mean more to this boy. You see, she planted the seed and God did the sowing.

Family and other people

Family: people you love without knowing why. My daughters tease me because in on child's baby book I wrote the phrase "I don't know why I love you". Of course I meant it in the way of "my love is just given without limits and knowledge"....she took it as I thought she was unlovable. (Not really, but that's what she teases me about)I have learned that there are many definitions of family. I have learned that those who are blood related aren't always family.

Example: My grandparents. They don't talk to me. I've seen them a handful of times in the last 11 years and only when something major was going on. My cousins death, my grandpa's brain surgery. Other than that, they disowned me when I married Matt. Mostly it was because he had dated my cousin (the one who died) before he dated me. And they don't like anyone who didn't stay with her. After a very horrible letter to me, our relationship ended. And so did their relationship with their son, my dad. I realized how much he loves me.....and Matty. They are bitter, angry people....sad without the true knowledge of the Lord. My grandpa in recent times has been sorrowful, yet it's hard. I am pressed to love them, so I do. In this situation, "family" is a tough word to use.

Then there are those who you love by choice. There is a man in my life who has been there since I was very young. He is my "Uncle" Dave. He's been my dad's best friend forever. I hated him. He annoyed me and I couldn't stand him. Turns out, he sold our house when I was about 3 or 4 and I was mad at him because of that. And once, when I had to take a bus with him, I would NOT sit by him. Yet as the years have gone by, I realize he loves my dad. He would do anything for him and probably me. He is family. Not by blood, but by choice. There are others like that. My friend Michelle....the girls call her "Aunt" Michelle and her hubby "Uncle" BWB. They are the "Other People"

Matty proved that family by choice is amazing when he adopted Hillary as his own when she was 13. And in the way he takes care of the other girls. Friends, he was 23 when we met, 24 when we got married. And I came with FOUR daughters. I am amazed everyday that he really chose me.
Another chose me. From the very beginning, before the earth was formed, God knew my name. He knew the names of the daughters He would allow me to have. Knew the day I would know Him. His blood paid for me. His choice made me family. I am in awe of how He loves me. In awe of the fact that He knew everything I would do, everything I would go through and every way I would fail. And He still chose me! There is no better feeling than to know I am His beloved. It's amazzzzzzzing! I am in great company in this family....and blessed to call each one my sibling in Christ. Remember that there are different types of families, but God puts each one together. You are chosen, beloved and blessed.