I'm broken. Like Humpty Dumpty. It seems like everything keeps falling down around me, and somewhere along the way I fell too.
Lately I can't do anything right. Not with my kids, my husband, not even with my dog. I cry all the time. My kids tell me how much I do wrong. My husband is just plain busy. My dog is....well, he's just having one thing after another. One girl is trying desperately to go to college. Her financial aid isn't enough to send her. That makes me cry. I hate to think of the girls being sad/disappointed etc. I feel.....all.....shattered.
The everyday broken. I know that's not who I am or who I will always be. It's a moment in time and I just FEEL like I can't breathe, can't function. I thought last year was bad, but at least last year we had some monies to fall back on. Now it's just paycheck to paycheck, hand to mouth. And believe it or not, everything costs monies! Especially a dog who is having one issue after another.
I see broken people all the time. Their eyes are sad, their smiles pretend. I can see their hurting hearts, the sadness that threatens to overwhelm. They answer questions with small answers, real words hiding in their hearts. They hold their sorrow close, hidden from us in the human realm. I know this because I do it too. I wonder when things will change. I pray daily for the Lord to help me with my trust issues, with my picking up my baggage and trying to carry it alone. I lay it all at His feet, then yank it back and cry some more.
What. The. Heck?! Why on earth would I carry those bags when God wants to do it for me? He'll let me pick them up, carry them and stumble under them. Because I am stubborn enough to do it! Reality is: He wants to carry those bags, more than that....He wants to carry me! And I should let Him. Duh!
I may be broken like Humpty Dumpty, but unlike him I'm not wanting the Kings horses and Kings men to put me back together. I'm trusting the King Himself to do it.
It's possible to be everyday broken....without being broken everyday.
Broken before our compassionate Lord is a very safe place to be. I'm right there with you being molded into His image. Although I don't relish the pain, I do count it all joy to be His daughter. Lifting you in prayer, Tina
ReplyDeleteGod loves broken things.
ReplyDeleteSo sorry. You are in my prayers. It's like life is a wagon wheel and sometimes you're on top and sometimes you're on bottom. I felt like I got stuck in the mud for about 6 months and I'm just now starting to turn and can see that I just might go back to the top again and you will too. Hang in there. Wish I had a money tree. I'd pick some for you.
I know it can't buy happiness, but it sure can help grease things along.
As for everyone telling you what you're doing wrong, just last night I threw a little mommy tantrum and it started with, "I am a PERSON!" I then told everyone that we are ALL DONE telling mom if we hate what she made for dinner. We're all done asking a million times for the same thing over and over and over. If it's SUPER important and I said, "NO." then count to 10, ask again and tell me it's super important, and I'll count to ten before I give you my final answer. And just because we are out of money does not mean that it is because I spent it!
We need to go to lunch. And neither of us can. Waaahhh.
Love you. Thanks for writing. God's got us.