Remember that time we had 6 daughters? Remember how we used to do lots of things together? Remember when THEY ALL GREW UP???
Yeah, me too. Talking with one of them tonight, I realized that her compass was off. As a family, we are very close. As sisters, some of them are closer than others. 2 of them in particular.
Since that tall girl left to live with her husband (how dare she??!), C has been a little lost. K was her support system, her closest friend. K, of course, gets the benefit of someone else. C has been wandering a bit. All around her, friendships are dropping. People she's known for years are suddenly no longer around. Her heart is heavy. I encourage her to get involved, meet new people. She wants to....doesn't quite know how.
I never really had the joy of a close girl relationship. When I was 18 I met my very first real friend. We are still friends to this day; she helped me escape from my first husband. I didn't meet another woman I was close with until about 10 years ago. We're still friends...don't see her as much as I would like, but I know she loves me. I'm slowly developing more girl relationships; I've got some pretty great ones and growing new ones all the time!
It's difficult,though, to try to tell your child that sometimes it's a slow process. I can explain my theory of seasonal friendships. It doesn't take away her hurt. I really want to take away her hurt.
We all knew these days would come. The days when the household got smaller and a lot quieter. We knew it would get less busy. We knew the teens we claimed as our own would someday find lives. Just because we knew doesn't mean it's easy. I've felt the sting, the break in my heart is healing. I miss them...not just the ones God blessed us to raise; the ones He put in our path to love. From my mother point of view, I forget there are others hurting. Mainly our girl.
I know He has a plan for her life. I know that the friendships that have changed may not stay that way, I know that He may be protecting her from some things and I know that in His timing He will provide joyous relationship for her! I know she misses her sister; that may never change. Her sister misses her.
This girl...she's amazing. She's a bit upside down and backwards. However, she is His. Her heart is covered. I don't doubt that she will grow past this; her life will unfold according to His will. He is for her. As He is for all of them. He created them, He knows them...He loves them.
Chin up, girl whose name they never have. You are His dead girl.
Monday, April 13, 2015
Thursday, April 2, 2015
The Lie
We are surrounded by lies. Billboards, television, books....they all lie and tell us how we should look, how we should talk and how we should support the "issues". The problem is that we BELIEVE these lies. We allow them to permeate our lives, fall prey to the ones that seem innocent. Those are the most harmful; the ones that look right.
As our marriage is healing, the enemy is trying to undo the restoration that the Lord has given. We have to be careful not to fall into the snares he sets. The Bible says that he is allowed to roam and rule this earth...this is his domain. His goal is to steal, kill and destroy. He works overtime in his deceit, finds joy in the sorrows.
We've gone through a challenging year. As we've navigated, I've cried out. I've believed the lies of the evil one; I've allowed his untruth to seep into my spirit. I've allowed the sadness to overtake. In short, I've allowed him small victories.
Guess what! No More! I have been reminded of His grace. I am surrounded by His love, pillowed by His spirit.
Our marriage isn't without struggle. Now, though, we turn to Him first. We argue in love and seek to soothe injured hearts and feelings. The enemy's lies have no hold. Sometimes they creep in and try to take over and sometimes I have to pray very hard to get them away.....but He always takes them, doesn't allow them.
One thing I've struggled with is the feeling of not being good enough. Here's some news for you: I. Don't. Have. To. Be. He is more than enough and wants to be always enough for me. There isn't ANYTHING I can do to make Him love me more, nothing I HAVE to do. My relationship (and salvation) are only based on the fact that I am an acknowledged sinner and that I believe in Him. He paid for me on the cross....as He hung there dying, my sin was upon Him. And He took it. If I was the only one, He would've taken it. I'm not. He did it for you, too.
There isn't ceremony in knowing Him. The enemy would have us believe it's complicated and based on a series of must do things. The truth is, it's simple.
With Him, all can be restored. The worst lie of all in our marriage was believing that we could fix it ourselves. Without our relationship with Christ being center, we had no hope. Now we are full of it.
Don't believe the enemy. He makes everything look pretty. Don't be fooled; underneath the beauty is a sorrow unimaginable. The biggest lie of all is that there is no enemy. He exists and he walks this earth.
Sunday is Easter. If you don't know Him, I encourage you to ask questions. Get to know Him in truth. You are loved, friend, and worth more than the enemy tells you. God is good all the time, and all the time God is good.
As our marriage is healing, the enemy is trying to undo the restoration that the Lord has given. We have to be careful not to fall into the snares he sets. The Bible says that he is allowed to roam and rule this earth...this is his domain. His goal is to steal, kill and destroy. He works overtime in his deceit, finds joy in the sorrows.
We've gone through a challenging year. As we've navigated, I've cried out. I've believed the lies of the evil one; I've allowed his untruth to seep into my spirit. I've allowed the sadness to overtake. In short, I've allowed him small victories.
Guess what! No More! I have been reminded of His grace. I am surrounded by His love, pillowed by His spirit.
Our marriage isn't without struggle. Now, though, we turn to Him first. We argue in love and seek to soothe injured hearts and feelings. The enemy's lies have no hold. Sometimes they creep in and try to take over and sometimes I have to pray very hard to get them away.....but He always takes them, doesn't allow them.
One thing I've struggled with is the feeling of not being good enough. Here's some news for you: I. Don't. Have. To. Be. He is more than enough and wants to be always enough for me. There isn't ANYTHING I can do to make Him love me more, nothing I HAVE to do. My relationship (and salvation) are only based on the fact that I am an acknowledged sinner and that I believe in Him. He paid for me on the cross....as He hung there dying, my sin was upon Him. And He took it. If I was the only one, He would've taken it. I'm not. He did it for you, too.
There isn't ceremony in knowing Him. The enemy would have us believe it's complicated and based on a series of must do things. The truth is, it's simple.
With Him, all can be restored. The worst lie of all in our marriage was believing that we could fix it ourselves. Without our relationship with Christ being center, we had no hope. Now we are full of it.
Don't believe the enemy. He makes everything look pretty. Don't be fooled; underneath the beauty is a sorrow unimaginable. The biggest lie of all is that there is no enemy. He exists and he walks this earth.
Sunday is Easter. If you don't know Him, I encourage you to ask questions. Get to know Him in truth. You are loved, friend, and worth more than the enemy tells you. God is good all the time, and all the time God is good.
Wednesday, March 4, 2015
The One That Wasn't
I spent last weekend at a marriage conference. Those of you that follow along know that things have been very tumultuous for Matty and I over the last year.
Last week, before the conference had even gotten here, I told him I wouldn't go with him. Part of our issue is trust and I was really struggling to trust him, to believe his words and even more to believe his actions. I told him I couldn't put myself out there for all the world to see if everything was going to be the same behind our closed doors. He told me that he hoped I'd go with him; either way he was going. That surprised me. He would go?? By HIMSELF?? To me, that spoke volumes more than any word he had said lately. My guarded heart was released a little...I believed him. It was a wonderful time of healing. So this post may seem a little out of left field, but here I go.
You know how you hear people talk about "The One"? We're taught that in movies, books and even by our parents. Adam had the "one". Of course, God did create her...there weren't any options, lucky boy that Adam. Now, options abound. We're taught to do what feels right, with whomever it feels right with. That is a lie.
I had so many options when I was younger and each one I tried to fit into the "One" box. When I was 14, my 20 year old boyfriend loved me. He was wealthy, drove a fast car and devoted himself to me. We were going to get married some day. He wasn't enough. So, I picked up a young man in high school. Yes, at the same time. I had no compass. I had been raised in church, knew the Lord....was just very motivated to be loved. I wasn't yet aware of His love for me, and how deep it really went....He is truly the One. But that's later.
Neither one of them fit into the "One" box. Like Goldilocks, I tried to fit one man after another into that box. My first husband, as you know, was very abusive. My second husband was someone I never should have married or divorced. Which brings us to Matty.
He fit very nicely into the "One" box. I just had to get my second husband out of it. So I did. I make no excuses or reasons other than I CHOSE to live with the pigs. After I quit wallowing in the mud, God so very lovingly and graciously lifted me out and blessed me with a bundle of joy. Matty became a believer and then we had a 'bonus'. (our Little Bit) We cruised along for 10 years, until WHAM....we hit a very big wall with very large obstacles on it. And here we are....broken and put back together. God is so good!
Matty wasn't "The One". Take that in.
I'm not even sure the others were. The only One that can fit into that box is actually too big to do so. His love is so vast, His grace so spectacular. I'm not sure if it's because I do have such a redemption story or what....but man!....What a mighty God!! I have seen His grace first hand, felt His touch and sorrowed when I broke His heart. I recognize His love, recognize where things could've been so very different.
Sometimes, I get so busy and I don't talk with Him. I figure I'll do it later. Time gets away and before you know it, my soul is unhappy. With the other human relationships I had, I would try to fill that void. With God, I just talk. I yell, I whisper, I don't say anything but I do cry. He hears it all, sees me down to my core. He is the One.
My love story with Matty could only be written by One as strong and amazing as Him. He took every sorry thing I have ever done and forgave me. He saw every choice before I made it, let me do it and let me fail. He bottled every tear, heard every break in my heart and spirit. He watched as Matty said those terrible things, watched as I built a very big wall against the man I had chosen to love. He surrounded us with peace that surpasses understanding.
Oh. My. Heart.
I want to cry for His goodness. I went to the conference. It was marriage changing. Life changing. There were other couples there who were struggling along side of us. Couples who had even more of a struggle ahead. Someone said there was immense sorrow among the couples, hearts were heavy. I was so glad we had been through what we had been through. So glad that I could go into this conference looking to the future with Matty instead of wondering how it would all work out. So glad we had so much time before this to work through things. It truly was a time of restoration, healing and commitment. I forgave him, friends. My heart is light. Fear sometimes tries to creep in, but I'm trying to not let it. I can only do that with the One.
So many were not "The One". Often we look so hard at the One That Wasn't, we forget that the God of the universe is!
My wish for you is that you know Him the way I do. You don't have to work for His love, He just gives it. He is just the One.
Last week, before the conference had even gotten here, I told him I wouldn't go with him. Part of our issue is trust and I was really struggling to trust him, to believe his words and even more to believe his actions. I told him I couldn't put myself out there for all the world to see if everything was going to be the same behind our closed doors. He told me that he hoped I'd go with him; either way he was going. That surprised me. He would go?? By HIMSELF?? To me, that spoke volumes more than any word he had said lately. My guarded heart was released a little...I believed him. It was a wonderful time of healing. So this post may seem a little out of left field, but here I go.
You know how you hear people talk about "The One"? We're taught that in movies, books and even by our parents. Adam had the "one". Of course, God did create her...there weren't any options, lucky boy that Adam. Now, options abound. We're taught to do what feels right, with whomever it feels right with. That is a lie.
I had so many options when I was younger and each one I tried to fit into the "One" box. When I was 14, my 20 year old boyfriend loved me. He was wealthy, drove a fast car and devoted himself to me. We were going to get married some day. He wasn't enough. So, I picked up a young man in high school. Yes, at the same time. I had no compass. I had been raised in church, knew the Lord....was just very motivated to be loved. I wasn't yet aware of His love for me, and how deep it really went....He is truly the One. But that's later.
Neither one of them fit into the "One" box. Like Goldilocks, I tried to fit one man after another into that box. My first husband, as you know, was very abusive. My second husband was someone I never should have married or divorced. Which brings us to Matty.
He fit very nicely into the "One" box. I just had to get my second husband out of it. So I did. I make no excuses or reasons other than I CHOSE to live with the pigs. After I quit wallowing in the mud, God so very lovingly and graciously lifted me out and blessed me with a bundle of joy. Matty became a believer and then we had a 'bonus'. (our Little Bit) We cruised along for 10 years, until WHAM....we hit a very big wall with very large obstacles on it. And here we are....broken and put back together. God is so good!
Matty wasn't "The One". Take that in.
I'm not even sure the others were. The only One that can fit into that box is actually too big to do so. His love is so vast, His grace so spectacular. I'm not sure if it's because I do have such a redemption story or what....but man!....What a mighty God!! I have seen His grace first hand, felt His touch and sorrowed when I broke His heart. I recognize His love, recognize where things could've been so very different.
Sometimes, I get so busy and I don't talk with Him. I figure I'll do it later. Time gets away and before you know it, my soul is unhappy. With the other human relationships I had, I would try to fill that void. With God, I just talk. I yell, I whisper, I don't say anything but I do cry. He hears it all, sees me down to my core. He is the One.
My love story with Matty could only be written by One as strong and amazing as Him. He took every sorry thing I have ever done and forgave me. He saw every choice before I made it, let me do it and let me fail. He bottled every tear, heard every break in my heart and spirit. He watched as Matty said those terrible things, watched as I built a very big wall against the man I had chosen to love. He surrounded us with peace that surpasses understanding.
Oh. My. Heart.
I want to cry for His goodness. I went to the conference. It was marriage changing. Life changing. There were other couples there who were struggling along side of us. Couples who had even more of a struggle ahead. Someone said there was immense sorrow among the couples, hearts were heavy. I was so glad we had been through what we had been through. So glad that I could go into this conference looking to the future with Matty instead of wondering how it would all work out. So glad we had so much time before this to work through things. It truly was a time of restoration, healing and commitment. I forgave him, friends. My heart is light. Fear sometimes tries to creep in, but I'm trying to not let it. I can only do that with the One.
So many were not "The One". Often we look so hard at the One That Wasn't, we forget that the God of the universe is!
My wish for you is that you know Him the way I do. You don't have to work for His love, He just gives it. He is just the One.
Friday, February 6, 2015
Sometimes, It's Grey
DISCLAIMER:This contains sensitive opinion about SEX
There is a movie coming out. One that has sparked so much controversy, so much sorrow....so much lust and has given the very wrong impression of love. You all know what I'm talking about. That Grey movie. The book/movie stays far from what God intended sex to be....a gift for marriage. I believe it glorifies a sexual appetite that has no confines, no boundaries and no love.
To begin, I have NOT (repeat NOT) read the book. Also, I will NOT be going to see the movie. I will, however, be addressing something I have read in response to the movie.
This movie has ignited all sorts of response. Born again believers have spoken out harshly, the not so much believing shrug it off and others (believing and non) will go see it, pretending they wouldn't dare. I've read article upon article, blog upon blog. I read one that was a letter to a daughter. So much of it was on point....some I didn't agree with. One point had to do with behavior in sex and how some things don't "fit" inside marital sex. That is what I don't agree with. Read on to find out why.
Where I'm going to land:God created sex as a gift for a married couple. Outside the obvious NO WAY stuff, (pornography, other people) inside marriage, there should be agreement (boundaries), there should be joy and FUN. It should be FULL of love. My personal belief is that if the husband and wife are in agreement, anything goes. What that anything is is OUR business...your anything is YOUR business. No one can tell you what is right, what is wrong and how to love on your spouse. God intended my marriage bed to be my own. He set some very firm rules for intimacy , very easily obeyed laws. I believe that as long as you are obeying those rules, ANYTHING goes. God intended intimacy to be enjoyed by a husband and wife and that there is freedom in that. This movie/book and it's heroine and hero (terms used loosely) are solidifying the worlds idea that sex is anyone's for the taking, without love....without marriage.
Where the book/movie goes wrong is belittling what God's gift is. It has created a false sense of pleasure, a facade that sex without marriage is No Big Deal. That intimacy can contain abuse and be pleasurable. I don't agree that abuse is alright, pretty sure that takes away the gift part. This movie/book has created a frenzy in women. It's been termed "mommy porn". It is creating the idea that women want to be used as toys, that innocence isn't worth keeping. It's creating a hero out of man that is just a broken and stuck little boy. It has taken what should be a married couples gift and turned it into nothing.
We have always been open and honest with our girls about sex. We have tried desperately to remind them of their value and worth to God, remind them that they are His beloved. We have tried to answer questions openly and relay our own experiences and the sorrows we've had. We've always taught them the difference between the physical experiences and the emotional ones. To just say "Because God says so" doesn't always cut it. We've learned to elaborate, learned to speak from the heart. We've prayed over them, we've prayed about what to tell them. We've done our best to honor Him when we teach. What we've taught our girls:Sex outside marriage is physically the same as inside marriage. The physical sensation is the same, the hormones flow. The difference??.....outside marriage comes with sorrow and shame. Self esteem takes a hit, there is always the option of just walking away and no matter how it may FEEL like love, it isn't. Outside marriage, sex is not freeing. It keeps your heart in shambles and your emotions used up. Inside marriage there should be no condemnation, no sorrow and no shame. I do know that sometimes, even in marriage, there is sorrow. I know that for some, it's a shameful thing...their love doesn't treat them as such. My heart sorrows for them. That is not how God intended.
I think I could go on and on with this. So many see sex as shameful. Even those that are married. My goal with this is to remind you all that it IS a gift. How you unwrap it is yours to decide.
It's not black and white....sometimes, it's a bit gray. (HA...see what I did there???!)
Ps....if you ever want to know how I REALLY feel, ask to see the sign above my bed. ;)
An alternative to that movie:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sMpEY67fqoQ
I do not own the rights to this video or the movie itself, or anyone in the trailer.
There is a movie coming out. One that has sparked so much controversy, so much sorrow....so much lust and has given the very wrong impression of love. You all know what I'm talking about. That Grey movie. The book/movie stays far from what God intended sex to be....a gift for marriage. I believe it glorifies a sexual appetite that has no confines, no boundaries and no love.
To begin, I have NOT (repeat NOT) read the book. Also, I will NOT be going to see the movie. I will, however, be addressing something I have read in response to the movie.
This movie has ignited all sorts of response. Born again believers have spoken out harshly, the not so much believing shrug it off and others (believing and non) will go see it, pretending they wouldn't dare. I've read article upon article, blog upon blog. I read one that was a letter to a daughter. So much of it was on point....some I didn't agree with. One point had to do with behavior in sex and how some things don't "fit" inside marital sex. That is what I don't agree with. Read on to find out why.
Where I'm going to land:God created sex as a gift for a married couple. Outside the obvious NO WAY stuff, (pornography, other people) inside marriage, there should be agreement (boundaries), there should be joy and FUN. It should be FULL of love. My personal belief is that if the husband and wife are in agreement, anything goes. What that anything is is OUR business...your anything is YOUR business. No one can tell you what is right, what is wrong and how to love on your spouse. God intended my marriage bed to be my own. He set some very firm rules for intimacy , very easily obeyed laws. I believe that as long as you are obeying those rules, ANYTHING goes. God intended intimacy to be enjoyed by a husband and wife and that there is freedom in that. This movie/book and it's heroine and hero (terms used loosely) are solidifying the worlds idea that sex is anyone's for the taking, without love....without marriage.
Where the book/movie goes wrong is belittling what God's gift is. It has created a false sense of pleasure, a facade that sex without marriage is No Big Deal. That intimacy can contain abuse and be pleasurable. I don't agree that abuse is alright, pretty sure that takes away the gift part. This movie/book has created a frenzy in women. It's been termed "mommy porn". It is creating the idea that women want to be used as toys, that innocence isn't worth keeping. It's creating a hero out of man that is just a broken and stuck little boy. It has taken what should be a married couples gift and turned it into nothing.
We have always been open and honest with our girls about sex. We have tried desperately to remind them of their value and worth to God, remind them that they are His beloved. We have tried to answer questions openly and relay our own experiences and the sorrows we've had. We've always taught them the difference between the physical experiences and the emotional ones. To just say "Because God says so" doesn't always cut it. We've learned to elaborate, learned to speak from the heart. We've prayed over them, we've prayed about what to tell them. We've done our best to honor Him when we teach. What we've taught our girls:Sex outside marriage is physically the same as inside marriage. The physical sensation is the same, the hormones flow. The difference??.....outside marriage comes with sorrow and shame. Self esteem takes a hit, there is always the option of just walking away and no matter how it may FEEL like love, it isn't. Outside marriage, sex is not freeing. It keeps your heart in shambles and your emotions used up. Inside marriage there should be no condemnation, no sorrow and no shame. I do know that sometimes, even in marriage, there is sorrow. I know that for some, it's a shameful thing...their love doesn't treat them as such. My heart sorrows for them. That is not how God intended.
I think I could go on and on with this. So many see sex as shameful. Even those that are married. My goal with this is to remind you all that it IS a gift. How you unwrap it is yours to decide.
It's not black and white....sometimes, it's a bit gray. (HA...see what I did there???!)
Ps....if you ever want to know how I REALLY feel, ask to see the sign above my bed. ;)
An alternative to that movie:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sMpEY67fqoQ
I do not own the rights to this video or the movie itself, or anyone in the trailer.
Monday, February 2, 2015
Rightside Up-side down
Yes, you read that right. That's how my life has been. Just when i feel like it's all going right...WHAM! I'm flipped upside down. Sometimes even backwards.
So....everything was better. Matty and I were coasting along, restoring our marriage when we suddenly started fighting again. Not anything major, his intentions weren't meeting my expectations. I didn't like that one bit. Que the arguing. One night, after he'd worked a very long day, I decided to address such subject. Holy cow....some things were said. I believed all those things he said. It was a terrible night. Tears, sorrow, the cavalry was called in. Where are we now?? Well, we are certainly NEVER going back to that night again. We promptly made a promise to each other to NEVER allow a night like that again. He promised he would never say such things again and I have promised to try and believe him more. It's hard though...because even though he didn't mean the things he said, he said them. And they're in my head.
I started thinking about how we travel through life,right side up, our minds full of our own selves. How we worry, scurry and wander around figuring out the best way to "do" life. When something out of the (seemingly) blue happens, we're blindsided. Upside down and surprised. We think we're doing it all "right". How very wrong we are. I'm not saying we're NOT living right, not saying we're NOT being obedient. I'm saying that just because we think it's right doesn't mean it IS.
Obviously, in my marriage, there was more that needed to be talked about. More that needed to be brought out into the open. It hurt, though. I think that's why we ignored the things that were building up again. It wasn't an intentional build up, it was built out of platitude. We wanted to keep the peace, so why talk about anything??? Good golly! How often I approach life that way! Thinking why rock the boat if I don't have to?
HAH! I appear to be a boat rocker....but I'm really not. Yes, I say it like it is. Yes, I'm loud. Yes, I'm honest. Those are all traits God gave me, traits I use when He says to. (Except the loud part...I'm working on that)This may appear to be my forte, writing about my entire life....shoving it at your reading self. But really, I wouldn't do this if I had a choice. Every entry is prayed over, words tumble under my fingers and suddenly my right side up self is upside down and vulnerable before you.
He reminds me that upside down is good. Reminds me that I may not like the shaking and the flipping of my world, but that's okay. He's got me, and nothing will happen to me that He hasn't allowed. That does NOT mean that my life will run smoothly, peachy keen and suddenly like a musical. It means that even with the icky stuff, He is beside me. It means that even with the things I don't understand, He is holding me. It means that even with the things that I believed that aren't true, He is there to show me truth. Once upon a time, when I lived in a pit and ate with pigs, I knew He was there. I knew He hadn't left me. I knew I had fallen into the mud and muck and chosen to stay there. I had no excuse for my actions other than I wanted to be there. Here's the thing: He loved me all the time. He has always been for me.
Matty and I needed to approach things differently. We needed to stop coasting and really start living. We have since sat down and created a contract, a marriage contract if you will. As it will be framed and put on our wall, I will share it with you one day. God allowed us to be upside down for a moment so that we could see things differently. I'm sure it's not the last time, not the end of arguing or hurt feelings. We're married, people! Those things happen. We are going to be attacking that stuff together, even when we don't feel like it. Most importantly, He'll be right in the middle of us. Fighting for us, loving us and guiding us.
Right side up is good for a lot of things, Upside down is best to see things differently. Either way, lean on Him. His arms are wide, His hold secure.
So....everything was better. Matty and I were coasting along, restoring our marriage when we suddenly started fighting again. Not anything major, his intentions weren't meeting my expectations. I didn't like that one bit. Que the arguing. One night, after he'd worked a very long day, I decided to address such subject. Holy cow....some things were said. I believed all those things he said. It was a terrible night. Tears, sorrow, the cavalry was called in. Where are we now?? Well, we are certainly NEVER going back to that night again. We promptly made a promise to each other to NEVER allow a night like that again. He promised he would never say such things again and I have promised to try and believe him more. It's hard though...because even though he didn't mean the things he said, he said them. And they're in my head.
I started thinking about how we travel through life,right side up, our minds full of our own selves. How we worry, scurry and wander around figuring out the best way to "do" life. When something out of the (seemingly) blue happens, we're blindsided. Upside down and surprised. We think we're doing it all "right". How very wrong we are. I'm not saying we're NOT living right, not saying we're NOT being obedient. I'm saying that just because we think it's right doesn't mean it IS.
Obviously, in my marriage, there was more that needed to be talked about. More that needed to be brought out into the open. It hurt, though. I think that's why we ignored the things that were building up again. It wasn't an intentional build up, it was built out of platitude. We wanted to keep the peace, so why talk about anything??? Good golly! How often I approach life that way! Thinking why rock the boat if I don't have to?
HAH! I appear to be a boat rocker....but I'm really not. Yes, I say it like it is. Yes, I'm loud. Yes, I'm honest. Those are all traits God gave me, traits I use when He says to. (Except the loud part...I'm working on that)This may appear to be my forte, writing about my entire life....shoving it at your reading self. But really, I wouldn't do this if I had a choice. Every entry is prayed over, words tumble under my fingers and suddenly my right side up self is upside down and vulnerable before you.
He reminds me that upside down is good. Reminds me that I may not like the shaking and the flipping of my world, but that's okay. He's got me, and nothing will happen to me that He hasn't allowed. That does NOT mean that my life will run smoothly, peachy keen and suddenly like a musical. It means that even with the icky stuff, He is beside me. It means that even with the things I don't understand, He is holding me. It means that even with the things that I believed that aren't true, He is there to show me truth. Once upon a time, when I lived in a pit and ate with pigs, I knew He was there. I knew He hadn't left me. I knew I had fallen into the mud and muck and chosen to stay there. I had no excuse for my actions other than I wanted to be there. Here's the thing: He loved me all the time. He has always been for me.
Matty and I needed to approach things differently. We needed to stop coasting and really start living. We have since sat down and created a contract, a marriage contract if you will. As it will be framed and put on our wall, I will share it with you one day. God allowed us to be upside down for a moment so that we could see things differently. I'm sure it's not the last time, not the end of arguing or hurt feelings. We're married, people! Those things happen. We are going to be attacking that stuff together, even when we don't feel like it. Most importantly, He'll be right in the middle of us. Fighting for us, loving us and guiding us.
Right side up is good for a lot of things, Upside down is best to see things differently. Either way, lean on Him. His arms are wide, His hold secure.
Monday, January 5, 2015
My Circle(s) of Life
There are so many circles in my life that I feel like I can run a circus. Somedays, I DO run a circus. It's made of tweens and teens and young adults and dogs. Sometimes a rat. Anyways....
I find all different relationships in the many different circles. There are some that I am nurturing, some I am allowing to die. Some that are fading away into nothing-ness and the other person doesn't even know. I find myself creating squares, boxing people in....If I put them there, they should stay...right??!
WRONG!
There is one person in my life that I think I've been squaring up. It's hard not to. There are things that are said, actions that are taken that just offend. I worked so very hard to continue this relationship and only recently realized that I shouldn't have. It's not that it wasn't a valuable relationship, it's just that it's season was nearing an end. I can still love someone without liking them.
People come in and out, they stay for a bit then wander away. Some leave in anger, some with regret. Some leave in joy, a season passes and they've returned. I have loved so many, liked less and truly disliked a few.
Sometimes, the circles intersect and therein lies a crux. When the circles intersect in such a way, hurt is bound to be sustained. The fragility of such circles becomes known and the lines slowly fade. Feelings are hurt, people chat and the truth is lost. The circle is broken, the relationships suffers. Things are said that can't be undone.
Our girls are figuring out their own circles. They travel along, tripping over blocks...walking the tight rope that is life. One of our girls very plainly says that "I don't know how to 'Adult'!". It makes me giggle but, truthfully, it's a very real sentiment for her. They're trying to figure out relationships, figure out where everyone fits and perhaps even who doesn't fit. People that used to fit inside one circle now belong to another and sometimes, that one person doesn't belong at all. And that's where the hurt comes in. It's trying to fit that one person into a circle when you're really shoving them into a square.
In reality, there aren't really circles. I don't split my friends up based on where I think they fit. I don't have a church circle, a non church circle. I don't have people categorized depending on if they done me wrong. I do, however, recognize when a relationship season has ended. I realize when things aren't quite the same when we talk, realize that the relationship isn't running the same way. We react with emotion, react with anger. We allow ourselves to tear down what has taken years to build.
When you're young, you think that those relationships will always be the same. You think that you're strong enough to withstand the storm. Then, when things change, you're left a little surprised. A little sorrowed. Here's a secret: There is One who will never leave. One who always is loving you. One who is bigger than any circle. He is not seasonal, He is not fluid. He is not human. He is not prone to reaction. Love is His language, grace is His gift.
We should spend more time building up our circles, spend more time growing our relationships. We CAN love someone and not be their friend, love them without liking them. We can let some relationships go and grow new ones. We can withstand. Because He is for us. Nothing can stand against Him.....and by default, us. He is the bulwark.
I'm going to let it go. The relationship. I'm going to let God take this one, let Him bring closure. I'm going to love the person from afar. I will always be here, they have to want me, too. God is good to bring joy, faithful to love me. He loves you, let Him be your shield.
Kiwi-
This blog isn't about you, but I want you to know....You're now in one. I love you, don't agree with you....love you anyway.
I find all different relationships in the many different circles. There are some that I am nurturing, some I am allowing to die. Some that are fading away into nothing-ness and the other person doesn't even know. I find myself creating squares, boxing people in....If I put them there, they should stay...right??!
WRONG!
There is one person in my life that I think I've been squaring up. It's hard not to. There are things that are said, actions that are taken that just offend. I worked so very hard to continue this relationship and only recently realized that I shouldn't have. It's not that it wasn't a valuable relationship, it's just that it's season was nearing an end. I can still love someone without liking them.
People come in and out, they stay for a bit then wander away. Some leave in anger, some with regret. Some leave in joy, a season passes and they've returned. I have loved so many, liked less and truly disliked a few.
Sometimes, the circles intersect and therein lies a crux. When the circles intersect in such a way, hurt is bound to be sustained. The fragility of such circles becomes known and the lines slowly fade. Feelings are hurt, people chat and the truth is lost. The circle is broken, the relationships suffers. Things are said that can't be undone.
Our girls are figuring out their own circles. They travel along, tripping over blocks...walking the tight rope that is life. One of our girls very plainly says that "I don't know how to 'Adult'!". It makes me giggle but, truthfully, it's a very real sentiment for her. They're trying to figure out relationships, figure out where everyone fits and perhaps even who doesn't fit. People that used to fit inside one circle now belong to another and sometimes, that one person doesn't belong at all. And that's where the hurt comes in. It's trying to fit that one person into a circle when you're really shoving them into a square.
In reality, there aren't really circles. I don't split my friends up based on where I think they fit. I don't have a church circle, a non church circle. I don't have people categorized depending on if they done me wrong. I do, however, recognize when a relationship season has ended. I realize when things aren't quite the same when we talk, realize that the relationship isn't running the same way. We react with emotion, react with anger. We allow ourselves to tear down what has taken years to build.
When you're young, you think that those relationships will always be the same. You think that you're strong enough to withstand the storm. Then, when things change, you're left a little surprised. A little sorrowed. Here's a secret: There is One who will never leave. One who always is loving you. One who is bigger than any circle. He is not seasonal, He is not fluid. He is not human. He is not prone to reaction. Love is His language, grace is His gift.
We should spend more time building up our circles, spend more time growing our relationships. We CAN love someone and not be their friend, love them without liking them. We can let some relationships go and grow new ones. We can withstand. Because He is for us. Nothing can stand against Him.....and by default, us. He is the bulwark.
I'm going to let it go. The relationship. I'm going to let God take this one, let Him bring closure. I'm going to love the person from afar. I will always be here, they have to want me, too. God is good to bring joy, faithful to love me. He loves you, let Him be your shield.
Kiwi-
This blog isn't about you, but I want you to know....You're now in one. I love you, don't agree with you....love you anyway.
Wednesday, December 10, 2014
Drum Roll, Please!
This special edition of my blog brought to you by Christmas!!
Drum Roll, Please!.....
This year has brought numerous changes, much sorrow, great joy and confusing emotions! Thought I'd catch you all up in one fell swoop.
So it begins....
I started this year going to see our new son in law graduate basic training. That was pretty great! I am so thankful to him for his service to our country! March brought Kaily's surprise marriage to Tim. They've been married almost 9 months, have adopted TWO dogs, bought a hedgehog and are figuring out married life along with military life. It's been hard, and she's had to do some major adjusting! Where there used to be 7 people in her consistent world, there is now only 1. While he's cute and she loves him, it can be a bit quiet for her! A bright spot was her flying here to visit in November....
....which brings us to Piper Ann! She was born to Hillary and Jeremy on her "Tee-Tee"'s birthday AKA Aunt Savannah. H and J are settling into having 2 daughters rather roughly. Just very recently they found out that H has blood clots again and will have some choices to make regarding blood thinners and all that jazz. Of course, Piper would get sick at the same time! However, they are great parents and while things are upside down and backwards, they're trying and doing wonderfully! J just started a temp to hire job at a tea company in town so prayerfully that will turn into long term! Of course, Miss Reya-Sunshine continues to be so! She turned 2 in October...she is a wonder and joy to behold! The nieces are much loved by their aunties....
....Auntie Em (our Emily) is a junior at U of I. We are so proud of her! She continues to push forward with her education...now that the boys are off her 'burners', her focus is immensely better! She is on track to graduate next year, but will continue school to become an English teacher. Her ultimate goal is to teach in Japan. We absolutely believe in her and look forward to seeing how God unfolds her adventure! Meanwhile, back in Boise....
.......Chellsei is thriving at BSU. We are a divided household with collegiate loyalty! While C doesn't enjoy every class, she does try her very best! She continues to date that one boy, (you know who you are)they've been together a smidge over a year and still enjoy each other's company. She worked for a few months at a popular burger place and is now working at a new place in town. She prefers this new job...they're closed on Sundays! She still drums in our church worship band. It's a joy to see her worshiping the Lord on Sunday mornings...sometimes, the drums go silent and her arms raise. We are so very proud of the woman she's becoming! Speaking of becoming a woman...
...Savannah is almost one! Holy cow...don't know when that child started looking like a young woman! She is so very beautiful and gracious. She has quite the sense of humor AKA sarcastic and witty. She attends an International school and is LOVING it! She's challenging herself as her new school says you must maintain a 4 or lose credit. Trust me, this isn't as easy as it sounds. She has discovered she likes drama and is trying out for a play with a local playhouse. Her new role in the house is second oldest....quite the change! Her and her little sister struggle some, but for the most part are getting along.....
.....Hello, Harley! Well, our Little Bit is 12! Not sure when that happened, but we are now looking at being empty nesters sooner rather than later! It's a crazy thing! She still attends the small charter school she's been at since 2nd grade and is enjoying it. She's looking forward to MOSS camp next year in the 7th grade. She is a very caring and sweet girl! She was slightly bullied last year (broke our hearts, her sisters took care of it), but this year has been a tremendous improvement! No more bullying! She is very willing to share God's word with anyone around, a light to the world!
This brings us to the parents. Matty and I. We've been pretty well chronicled, so I won't go more into it. I will say that how our year started is no where near how our year is ending. God is so good and has allowed us restoration, given us wisdom and solidified our commitment to each other. I will also say that it is purely God's grace. Without it, we'd be nowhere fast!
I look back at our year and I see my mistakes. I see Matty's mistakes. I see lost moments, joy stolen and tears cried. I see laughter, relief, restoration and healing. I see love...taken and given. I see growth in our daughters. I see growth in me and Matty. I see grace.
Without this year, we may have continued on building our walls without recognizing them as such. We may have continued to grow desperately apart. We may have been good parents, but we wouldn't have been good husband/wife. I am so thankful for the chance to be a good wife to a good husband!
Celebrating Christmas is a way of celebrating our accomplishments this year. Christmas may be about Jesus' birth, but to me it's about how a baby was born to die so I could live. A baby who would take it all. There is no way we would've survived this year without Him. I am so very glad He was born....so very glad He loved me enough to die.
Merry Christmas, friends. Don't ever forget to celebrate and don't forget the drum roll!
PS: Murphy is still a wonderdog, Whisper is still very lick-y. They're both crazy.
Drum Roll, Please!.....
This year has brought numerous changes, much sorrow, great joy and confusing emotions! Thought I'd catch you all up in one fell swoop.
So it begins....
I started this year going to see our new son in law graduate basic training. That was pretty great! I am so thankful to him for his service to our country! March brought Kaily's surprise marriage to Tim. They've been married almost 9 months, have adopted TWO dogs, bought a hedgehog and are figuring out married life along with military life. It's been hard, and she's had to do some major adjusting! Where there used to be 7 people in her consistent world, there is now only 1. While he's cute and she loves him, it can be a bit quiet for her! A bright spot was her flying here to visit in November....
....which brings us to Piper Ann! She was born to Hillary and Jeremy on her "Tee-Tee"'s birthday AKA Aunt Savannah. H and J are settling into having 2 daughters rather roughly. Just very recently they found out that H has blood clots again and will have some choices to make regarding blood thinners and all that jazz. Of course, Piper would get sick at the same time! However, they are great parents and while things are upside down and backwards, they're trying and doing wonderfully! J just started a temp to hire job at a tea company in town so prayerfully that will turn into long term! Of course, Miss Reya-Sunshine continues to be so! She turned 2 in October...she is a wonder and joy to behold! The nieces are much loved by their aunties....
....Auntie Em (our Emily) is a junior at U of I. We are so proud of her! She continues to push forward with her education...now that the boys are off her 'burners', her focus is immensely better! She is on track to graduate next year, but will continue school to become an English teacher. Her ultimate goal is to teach in Japan. We absolutely believe in her and look forward to seeing how God unfolds her adventure! Meanwhile, back in Boise....
.......Chellsei is thriving at BSU. We are a divided household with collegiate loyalty! While C doesn't enjoy every class, she does try her very best! She continues to date that one boy, (you know who you are)they've been together a smidge over a year and still enjoy each other's company. She worked for a few months at a popular burger place and is now working at a new place in town. She prefers this new job...they're closed on Sundays! She still drums in our church worship band. It's a joy to see her worshiping the Lord on Sunday mornings...sometimes, the drums go silent and her arms raise. We are so very proud of the woman she's becoming! Speaking of becoming a woman...
...Savannah is almost one! Holy cow...don't know when that child started looking like a young woman! She is so very beautiful and gracious. She has quite the sense of humor AKA sarcastic and witty. She attends an International school and is LOVING it! She's challenging herself as her new school says you must maintain a 4 or lose credit. Trust me, this isn't as easy as it sounds. She has discovered she likes drama and is trying out for a play with a local playhouse. Her new role in the house is second oldest....quite the change! Her and her little sister struggle some, but for the most part are getting along.....
.....Hello, Harley! Well, our Little Bit is 12! Not sure when that happened, but we are now looking at being empty nesters sooner rather than later! It's a crazy thing! She still attends the small charter school she's been at since 2nd grade and is enjoying it. She's looking forward to MOSS camp next year in the 7th grade. She is a very caring and sweet girl! She was slightly bullied last year (broke our hearts, her sisters took care of it), but this year has been a tremendous improvement! No more bullying! She is very willing to share God's word with anyone around, a light to the world!
This brings us to the parents. Matty and I. We've been pretty well chronicled, so I won't go more into it. I will say that how our year started is no where near how our year is ending. God is so good and has allowed us restoration, given us wisdom and solidified our commitment to each other. I will also say that it is purely God's grace. Without it, we'd be nowhere fast!
I look back at our year and I see my mistakes. I see Matty's mistakes. I see lost moments, joy stolen and tears cried. I see laughter, relief, restoration and healing. I see love...taken and given. I see growth in our daughters. I see growth in me and Matty. I see grace.
Without this year, we may have continued on building our walls without recognizing them as such. We may have continued to grow desperately apart. We may have been good parents, but we wouldn't have been good husband/wife. I am so thankful for the chance to be a good wife to a good husband!
Celebrating Christmas is a way of celebrating our accomplishments this year. Christmas may be about Jesus' birth, but to me it's about how a baby was born to die so I could live. A baby who would take it all. There is no way we would've survived this year without Him. I am so very glad He was born....so very glad He loved me enough to die.
Merry Christmas, friends. Don't ever forget to celebrate and don't forget the drum roll!
PS: Murphy is still a wonderdog, Whisper is still very lick-y. They're both crazy.
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