DISCLAIMER:This contains sensitive opinion about SEX
There is a movie coming out. One that has sparked so much controversy, so much sorrow....so much lust and has given the very wrong impression of love. You all know what I'm talking about. That Grey movie. The book/movie stays far from what God intended sex to be....a gift for marriage. I believe it glorifies a sexual appetite that has no confines, no boundaries and no love.
To begin, I have NOT (repeat NOT) read the book. Also, I will NOT be going to see the movie. I will, however, be addressing something I have read in response to the movie.
This movie has ignited all sorts of response. Born again believers have spoken out harshly, the not so much believing shrug it off and others (believing and non) will go see it, pretending they wouldn't dare. I've read article upon article, blog upon blog. I read one that was a letter to a daughter. So much of it was on point....some I didn't agree with. One point had to do with behavior in sex and how some things don't "fit" inside marital sex. That is what I don't agree with. Read on to find out why.
Where I'm going to land:God created sex as a gift for a married couple. Outside the obvious NO WAY stuff, (pornography, other people) inside marriage, there should be agreement (boundaries), there should be joy and FUN. It should be FULL of love. My personal belief is that if the husband and wife are in agreement, anything goes. What that anything is is OUR business...your anything is YOUR business. No one can tell you what is right, what is wrong and how to love on your spouse. God intended my marriage bed to be my own. He set some very firm rules for intimacy , very easily obeyed laws. I believe that as long as you are obeying those rules, ANYTHING goes. God intended intimacy to be enjoyed by a husband and wife and that there is freedom in that. This movie/book and it's heroine and hero (terms used loosely) are solidifying the worlds idea that sex is anyone's for the taking, without love....without marriage.
Where the book/movie goes wrong is belittling what God's gift is. It has created a false sense of pleasure, a facade that sex without marriage is No Big Deal. That intimacy can contain abuse and be pleasurable. I don't agree that abuse is alright, pretty sure that takes away the gift part. This movie/book has created a frenzy in women. It's been termed "mommy porn". It is creating the idea that women want to be used as toys, that innocence isn't worth keeping. It's creating a hero out of man that is just a broken and stuck little boy. It has taken what should be a married couples gift and turned it into nothing.
We have always been open and honest with our girls about sex. We have tried desperately to remind them of their value and worth to God, remind them that they are His beloved. We have tried to answer questions openly and relay our own experiences and the sorrows we've had. We've always taught them the difference between the physical experiences and the emotional ones. To just say "Because God says so" doesn't always cut it. We've learned to elaborate, learned to speak from the heart. We've prayed over them, we've prayed about what to tell them. We've done our best to honor Him when we teach. What we've taught our girls:Sex outside marriage is physically the same as inside marriage. The physical sensation is the same, the hormones flow. The difference??.....outside marriage comes with sorrow and shame. Self esteem takes a hit, there is always the option of just walking away and no matter how it may FEEL like love, it isn't. Outside marriage, sex is not freeing. It keeps your heart in shambles and your emotions used up. Inside marriage there should be no condemnation, no sorrow and no shame. I do know that sometimes, even in marriage, there is sorrow. I know that for some, it's a shameful thing...their love doesn't treat them as such. My heart sorrows for them. That is not how God intended.
I think I could go on and on with this. So many see sex as shameful. Even those that are married. My goal with this is to remind you all that it IS a gift. How you unwrap it is yours to decide.
It's not black and white....sometimes, it's a bit gray. (HA...see what I did there???!)
Ps....if you ever want to know how I REALLY feel, ask to see the sign above my bed. ;)
An alternative to that movie:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sMpEY67fqoQ
I do not own the rights to this video or the movie itself, or anyone in the trailer.
Friday, February 6, 2015
Monday, February 2, 2015
Rightside Up-side down
Yes, you read that right. That's how my life has been. Just when i feel like it's all going right...WHAM! I'm flipped upside down. Sometimes even backwards.
So....everything was better. Matty and I were coasting along, restoring our marriage when we suddenly started fighting again. Not anything major, his intentions weren't meeting my expectations. I didn't like that one bit. Que the arguing. One night, after he'd worked a very long day, I decided to address such subject. Holy cow....some things were said. I believed all those things he said. It was a terrible night. Tears, sorrow, the cavalry was called in. Where are we now?? Well, we are certainly NEVER going back to that night again. We promptly made a promise to each other to NEVER allow a night like that again. He promised he would never say such things again and I have promised to try and believe him more. It's hard though...because even though he didn't mean the things he said, he said them. And they're in my head.
I started thinking about how we travel through life,right side up, our minds full of our own selves. How we worry, scurry and wander around figuring out the best way to "do" life. When something out of the (seemingly) blue happens, we're blindsided. Upside down and surprised. We think we're doing it all "right". How very wrong we are. I'm not saying we're NOT living right, not saying we're NOT being obedient. I'm saying that just because we think it's right doesn't mean it IS.
Obviously, in my marriage, there was more that needed to be talked about. More that needed to be brought out into the open. It hurt, though. I think that's why we ignored the things that were building up again. It wasn't an intentional build up, it was built out of platitude. We wanted to keep the peace, so why talk about anything??? Good golly! How often I approach life that way! Thinking why rock the boat if I don't have to?
HAH! I appear to be a boat rocker....but I'm really not. Yes, I say it like it is. Yes, I'm loud. Yes, I'm honest. Those are all traits God gave me, traits I use when He says to. (Except the loud part...I'm working on that)This may appear to be my forte, writing about my entire life....shoving it at your reading self. But really, I wouldn't do this if I had a choice. Every entry is prayed over, words tumble under my fingers and suddenly my right side up self is upside down and vulnerable before you.
He reminds me that upside down is good. Reminds me that I may not like the shaking and the flipping of my world, but that's okay. He's got me, and nothing will happen to me that He hasn't allowed. That does NOT mean that my life will run smoothly, peachy keen and suddenly like a musical. It means that even with the icky stuff, He is beside me. It means that even with the things I don't understand, He is holding me. It means that even with the things that I believed that aren't true, He is there to show me truth. Once upon a time, when I lived in a pit and ate with pigs, I knew He was there. I knew He hadn't left me. I knew I had fallen into the mud and muck and chosen to stay there. I had no excuse for my actions other than I wanted to be there. Here's the thing: He loved me all the time. He has always been for me.
Matty and I needed to approach things differently. We needed to stop coasting and really start living. We have since sat down and created a contract, a marriage contract if you will. As it will be framed and put on our wall, I will share it with you one day. God allowed us to be upside down for a moment so that we could see things differently. I'm sure it's not the last time, not the end of arguing or hurt feelings. We're married, people! Those things happen. We are going to be attacking that stuff together, even when we don't feel like it. Most importantly, He'll be right in the middle of us. Fighting for us, loving us and guiding us.
Right side up is good for a lot of things, Upside down is best to see things differently. Either way, lean on Him. His arms are wide, His hold secure.
So....everything was better. Matty and I were coasting along, restoring our marriage when we suddenly started fighting again. Not anything major, his intentions weren't meeting my expectations. I didn't like that one bit. Que the arguing. One night, after he'd worked a very long day, I decided to address such subject. Holy cow....some things were said. I believed all those things he said. It was a terrible night. Tears, sorrow, the cavalry was called in. Where are we now?? Well, we are certainly NEVER going back to that night again. We promptly made a promise to each other to NEVER allow a night like that again. He promised he would never say such things again and I have promised to try and believe him more. It's hard though...because even though he didn't mean the things he said, he said them. And they're in my head.
I started thinking about how we travel through life,right side up, our minds full of our own selves. How we worry, scurry and wander around figuring out the best way to "do" life. When something out of the (seemingly) blue happens, we're blindsided. Upside down and surprised. We think we're doing it all "right". How very wrong we are. I'm not saying we're NOT living right, not saying we're NOT being obedient. I'm saying that just because we think it's right doesn't mean it IS.
Obviously, in my marriage, there was more that needed to be talked about. More that needed to be brought out into the open. It hurt, though. I think that's why we ignored the things that were building up again. It wasn't an intentional build up, it was built out of platitude. We wanted to keep the peace, so why talk about anything??? Good golly! How often I approach life that way! Thinking why rock the boat if I don't have to?
HAH! I appear to be a boat rocker....but I'm really not. Yes, I say it like it is. Yes, I'm loud. Yes, I'm honest. Those are all traits God gave me, traits I use when He says to. (Except the loud part...I'm working on that)This may appear to be my forte, writing about my entire life....shoving it at your reading self. But really, I wouldn't do this if I had a choice. Every entry is prayed over, words tumble under my fingers and suddenly my right side up self is upside down and vulnerable before you.
He reminds me that upside down is good. Reminds me that I may not like the shaking and the flipping of my world, but that's okay. He's got me, and nothing will happen to me that He hasn't allowed. That does NOT mean that my life will run smoothly, peachy keen and suddenly like a musical. It means that even with the icky stuff, He is beside me. It means that even with the things I don't understand, He is holding me. It means that even with the things that I believed that aren't true, He is there to show me truth. Once upon a time, when I lived in a pit and ate with pigs, I knew He was there. I knew He hadn't left me. I knew I had fallen into the mud and muck and chosen to stay there. I had no excuse for my actions other than I wanted to be there. Here's the thing: He loved me all the time. He has always been for me.
Matty and I needed to approach things differently. We needed to stop coasting and really start living. We have since sat down and created a contract, a marriage contract if you will. As it will be framed and put on our wall, I will share it with you one day. God allowed us to be upside down for a moment so that we could see things differently. I'm sure it's not the last time, not the end of arguing or hurt feelings. We're married, people! Those things happen. We are going to be attacking that stuff together, even when we don't feel like it. Most importantly, He'll be right in the middle of us. Fighting for us, loving us and guiding us.
Right side up is good for a lot of things, Upside down is best to see things differently. Either way, lean on Him. His arms are wide, His hold secure.
Monday, January 5, 2015
My Circle(s) of Life
There are so many circles in my life that I feel like I can run a circus. Somedays, I DO run a circus. It's made of tweens and teens and young adults and dogs. Sometimes a rat. Anyways....
I find all different relationships in the many different circles. There are some that I am nurturing, some I am allowing to die. Some that are fading away into nothing-ness and the other person doesn't even know. I find myself creating squares, boxing people in....If I put them there, they should stay...right??!
WRONG!
There is one person in my life that I think I've been squaring up. It's hard not to. There are things that are said, actions that are taken that just offend. I worked so very hard to continue this relationship and only recently realized that I shouldn't have. It's not that it wasn't a valuable relationship, it's just that it's season was nearing an end. I can still love someone without liking them.
People come in and out, they stay for a bit then wander away. Some leave in anger, some with regret. Some leave in joy, a season passes and they've returned. I have loved so many, liked less and truly disliked a few.
Sometimes, the circles intersect and therein lies a crux. When the circles intersect in such a way, hurt is bound to be sustained. The fragility of such circles becomes known and the lines slowly fade. Feelings are hurt, people chat and the truth is lost. The circle is broken, the relationships suffers. Things are said that can't be undone.
Our girls are figuring out their own circles. They travel along, tripping over blocks...walking the tight rope that is life. One of our girls very plainly says that "I don't know how to 'Adult'!". It makes me giggle but, truthfully, it's a very real sentiment for her. They're trying to figure out relationships, figure out where everyone fits and perhaps even who doesn't fit. People that used to fit inside one circle now belong to another and sometimes, that one person doesn't belong at all. And that's where the hurt comes in. It's trying to fit that one person into a circle when you're really shoving them into a square.
In reality, there aren't really circles. I don't split my friends up based on where I think they fit. I don't have a church circle, a non church circle. I don't have people categorized depending on if they done me wrong. I do, however, recognize when a relationship season has ended. I realize when things aren't quite the same when we talk, realize that the relationship isn't running the same way. We react with emotion, react with anger. We allow ourselves to tear down what has taken years to build.
When you're young, you think that those relationships will always be the same. You think that you're strong enough to withstand the storm. Then, when things change, you're left a little surprised. A little sorrowed. Here's a secret: There is One who will never leave. One who always is loving you. One who is bigger than any circle. He is not seasonal, He is not fluid. He is not human. He is not prone to reaction. Love is His language, grace is His gift.
We should spend more time building up our circles, spend more time growing our relationships. We CAN love someone and not be their friend, love them without liking them. We can let some relationships go and grow new ones. We can withstand. Because He is for us. Nothing can stand against Him.....and by default, us. He is the bulwark.
I'm going to let it go. The relationship. I'm going to let God take this one, let Him bring closure. I'm going to love the person from afar. I will always be here, they have to want me, too. God is good to bring joy, faithful to love me. He loves you, let Him be your shield.
Kiwi-
This blog isn't about you, but I want you to know....You're now in one. I love you, don't agree with you....love you anyway.
I find all different relationships in the many different circles. There are some that I am nurturing, some I am allowing to die. Some that are fading away into nothing-ness and the other person doesn't even know. I find myself creating squares, boxing people in....If I put them there, they should stay...right??!
WRONG!
There is one person in my life that I think I've been squaring up. It's hard not to. There are things that are said, actions that are taken that just offend. I worked so very hard to continue this relationship and only recently realized that I shouldn't have. It's not that it wasn't a valuable relationship, it's just that it's season was nearing an end. I can still love someone without liking them.
People come in and out, they stay for a bit then wander away. Some leave in anger, some with regret. Some leave in joy, a season passes and they've returned. I have loved so many, liked less and truly disliked a few.
Sometimes, the circles intersect and therein lies a crux. When the circles intersect in such a way, hurt is bound to be sustained. The fragility of such circles becomes known and the lines slowly fade. Feelings are hurt, people chat and the truth is lost. The circle is broken, the relationships suffers. Things are said that can't be undone.
Our girls are figuring out their own circles. They travel along, tripping over blocks...walking the tight rope that is life. One of our girls very plainly says that "I don't know how to 'Adult'!". It makes me giggle but, truthfully, it's a very real sentiment for her. They're trying to figure out relationships, figure out where everyone fits and perhaps even who doesn't fit. People that used to fit inside one circle now belong to another and sometimes, that one person doesn't belong at all. And that's where the hurt comes in. It's trying to fit that one person into a circle when you're really shoving them into a square.
In reality, there aren't really circles. I don't split my friends up based on where I think they fit. I don't have a church circle, a non church circle. I don't have people categorized depending on if they done me wrong. I do, however, recognize when a relationship season has ended. I realize when things aren't quite the same when we talk, realize that the relationship isn't running the same way. We react with emotion, react with anger. We allow ourselves to tear down what has taken years to build.
When you're young, you think that those relationships will always be the same. You think that you're strong enough to withstand the storm. Then, when things change, you're left a little surprised. A little sorrowed. Here's a secret: There is One who will never leave. One who always is loving you. One who is bigger than any circle. He is not seasonal, He is not fluid. He is not human. He is not prone to reaction. Love is His language, grace is His gift.
We should spend more time building up our circles, spend more time growing our relationships. We CAN love someone and not be their friend, love them without liking them. We can let some relationships go and grow new ones. We can withstand. Because He is for us. Nothing can stand against Him.....and by default, us. He is the bulwark.
I'm going to let it go. The relationship. I'm going to let God take this one, let Him bring closure. I'm going to love the person from afar. I will always be here, they have to want me, too. God is good to bring joy, faithful to love me. He loves you, let Him be your shield.
Kiwi-
This blog isn't about you, but I want you to know....You're now in one. I love you, don't agree with you....love you anyway.
Wednesday, December 10, 2014
Drum Roll, Please!
This special edition of my blog brought to you by Christmas!!
Drum Roll, Please!.....
This year has brought numerous changes, much sorrow, great joy and confusing emotions! Thought I'd catch you all up in one fell swoop.
So it begins....
I started this year going to see our new son in law graduate basic training. That was pretty great! I am so thankful to him for his service to our country! March brought Kaily's surprise marriage to Tim. They've been married almost 9 months, have adopted TWO dogs, bought a hedgehog and are figuring out married life along with military life. It's been hard, and she's had to do some major adjusting! Where there used to be 7 people in her consistent world, there is now only 1. While he's cute and she loves him, it can be a bit quiet for her! A bright spot was her flying here to visit in November....
....which brings us to Piper Ann! She was born to Hillary and Jeremy on her "Tee-Tee"'s birthday AKA Aunt Savannah. H and J are settling into having 2 daughters rather roughly. Just very recently they found out that H has blood clots again and will have some choices to make regarding blood thinners and all that jazz. Of course, Piper would get sick at the same time! However, they are great parents and while things are upside down and backwards, they're trying and doing wonderfully! J just started a temp to hire job at a tea company in town so prayerfully that will turn into long term! Of course, Miss Reya-Sunshine continues to be so! She turned 2 in October...she is a wonder and joy to behold! The nieces are much loved by their aunties....
....Auntie Em (our Emily) is a junior at U of I. We are so proud of her! She continues to push forward with her education...now that the boys are off her 'burners', her focus is immensely better! She is on track to graduate next year, but will continue school to become an English teacher. Her ultimate goal is to teach in Japan. We absolutely believe in her and look forward to seeing how God unfolds her adventure! Meanwhile, back in Boise....
.......Chellsei is thriving at BSU. We are a divided household with collegiate loyalty! While C doesn't enjoy every class, she does try her very best! She continues to date that one boy, (you know who you are)they've been together a smidge over a year and still enjoy each other's company. She worked for a few months at a popular burger place and is now working at a new place in town. She prefers this new job...they're closed on Sundays! She still drums in our church worship band. It's a joy to see her worshiping the Lord on Sunday mornings...sometimes, the drums go silent and her arms raise. We are so very proud of the woman she's becoming! Speaking of becoming a woman...
...Savannah is almost one! Holy cow...don't know when that child started looking like a young woman! She is so very beautiful and gracious. She has quite the sense of humor AKA sarcastic and witty. She attends an International school and is LOVING it! She's challenging herself as her new school says you must maintain a 4 or lose credit. Trust me, this isn't as easy as it sounds. She has discovered she likes drama and is trying out for a play with a local playhouse. Her new role in the house is second oldest....quite the change! Her and her little sister struggle some, but for the most part are getting along.....
.....Hello, Harley! Well, our Little Bit is 12! Not sure when that happened, but we are now looking at being empty nesters sooner rather than later! It's a crazy thing! She still attends the small charter school she's been at since 2nd grade and is enjoying it. She's looking forward to MOSS camp next year in the 7th grade. She is a very caring and sweet girl! She was slightly bullied last year (broke our hearts, her sisters took care of it), but this year has been a tremendous improvement! No more bullying! She is very willing to share God's word with anyone around, a light to the world!
This brings us to the parents. Matty and I. We've been pretty well chronicled, so I won't go more into it. I will say that how our year started is no where near how our year is ending. God is so good and has allowed us restoration, given us wisdom and solidified our commitment to each other. I will also say that it is purely God's grace. Without it, we'd be nowhere fast!
I look back at our year and I see my mistakes. I see Matty's mistakes. I see lost moments, joy stolen and tears cried. I see laughter, relief, restoration and healing. I see love...taken and given. I see growth in our daughters. I see growth in me and Matty. I see grace.
Without this year, we may have continued on building our walls without recognizing them as such. We may have continued to grow desperately apart. We may have been good parents, but we wouldn't have been good husband/wife. I am so thankful for the chance to be a good wife to a good husband!
Celebrating Christmas is a way of celebrating our accomplishments this year. Christmas may be about Jesus' birth, but to me it's about how a baby was born to die so I could live. A baby who would take it all. There is no way we would've survived this year without Him. I am so very glad He was born....so very glad He loved me enough to die.
Merry Christmas, friends. Don't ever forget to celebrate and don't forget the drum roll!
PS: Murphy is still a wonderdog, Whisper is still very lick-y. They're both crazy.
Drum Roll, Please!.....
This year has brought numerous changes, much sorrow, great joy and confusing emotions! Thought I'd catch you all up in one fell swoop.
So it begins....
I started this year going to see our new son in law graduate basic training. That was pretty great! I am so thankful to him for his service to our country! March brought Kaily's surprise marriage to Tim. They've been married almost 9 months, have adopted TWO dogs, bought a hedgehog and are figuring out married life along with military life. It's been hard, and she's had to do some major adjusting! Where there used to be 7 people in her consistent world, there is now only 1. While he's cute and she loves him, it can be a bit quiet for her! A bright spot was her flying here to visit in November....
....which brings us to Piper Ann! She was born to Hillary and Jeremy on her "Tee-Tee"'s birthday AKA Aunt Savannah. H and J are settling into having 2 daughters rather roughly. Just very recently they found out that H has blood clots again and will have some choices to make regarding blood thinners and all that jazz. Of course, Piper would get sick at the same time! However, they are great parents and while things are upside down and backwards, they're trying and doing wonderfully! J just started a temp to hire job at a tea company in town so prayerfully that will turn into long term! Of course, Miss Reya-Sunshine continues to be so! She turned 2 in October...she is a wonder and joy to behold! The nieces are much loved by their aunties....
....Auntie Em (our Emily) is a junior at U of I. We are so proud of her! She continues to push forward with her education...now that the boys are off her 'burners', her focus is immensely better! She is on track to graduate next year, but will continue school to become an English teacher. Her ultimate goal is to teach in Japan. We absolutely believe in her and look forward to seeing how God unfolds her adventure! Meanwhile, back in Boise....
.......Chellsei is thriving at BSU. We are a divided household with collegiate loyalty! While C doesn't enjoy every class, she does try her very best! She continues to date that one boy, (you know who you are)they've been together a smidge over a year and still enjoy each other's company. She worked for a few months at a popular burger place and is now working at a new place in town. She prefers this new job...they're closed on Sundays! She still drums in our church worship band. It's a joy to see her worshiping the Lord on Sunday mornings...sometimes, the drums go silent and her arms raise. We are so very proud of the woman she's becoming! Speaking of becoming a woman...
...Savannah is almost one! Holy cow...don't know when that child started looking like a young woman! She is so very beautiful and gracious. She has quite the sense of humor AKA sarcastic and witty. She attends an International school and is LOVING it! She's challenging herself as her new school says you must maintain a 4 or lose credit. Trust me, this isn't as easy as it sounds. She has discovered she likes drama and is trying out for a play with a local playhouse. Her new role in the house is second oldest....quite the change! Her and her little sister struggle some, but for the most part are getting along.....
.....Hello, Harley! Well, our Little Bit is 12! Not sure when that happened, but we are now looking at being empty nesters sooner rather than later! It's a crazy thing! She still attends the small charter school she's been at since 2nd grade and is enjoying it. She's looking forward to MOSS camp next year in the 7th grade. She is a very caring and sweet girl! She was slightly bullied last year (broke our hearts, her sisters took care of it), but this year has been a tremendous improvement! No more bullying! She is very willing to share God's word with anyone around, a light to the world!
This brings us to the parents. Matty and I. We've been pretty well chronicled, so I won't go more into it. I will say that how our year started is no where near how our year is ending. God is so good and has allowed us restoration, given us wisdom and solidified our commitment to each other. I will also say that it is purely God's grace. Without it, we'd be nowhere fast!
I look back at our year and I see my mistakes. I see Matty's mistakes. I see lost moments, joy stolen and tears cried. I see laughter, relief, restoration and healing. I see love...taken and given. I see growth in our daughters. I see growth in me and Matty. I see grace.
Without this year, we may have continued on building our walls without recognizing them as such. We may have continued to grow desperately apart. We may have been good parents, but we wouldn't have been good husband/wife. I am so thankful for the chance to be a good wife to a good husband!
Celebrating Christmas is a way of celebrating our accomplishments this year. Christmas may be about Jesus' birth, but to me it's about how a baby was born to die so I could live. A baby who would take it all. There is no way we would've survived this year without Him. I am so very glad He was born....so very glad He loved me enough to die.
Merry Christmas, friends. Don't ever forget to celebrate and don't forget the drum roll!
PS: Murphy is still a wonderdog, Whisper is still very lick-y. They're both crazy.
Thursday, December 4, 2014
The Gift of Intentional Presence
That's me. My (early) New Year's resolution is going to be intentional presence. I want to be there for our daughters, for my family, for friends and most importantly for my husband.
I find myself at a distance. I'm standing outside circles, wishing I was in them. I'm watching happiness and not claiming any for myself. I'm dreaming of better times and not creating them. That was me....but not for a bit.
Happiness is mine. It's in the laughter of our family as we play games, watch movies and talk. It's in prayer with friends, decorating with family and sharing meals will all aforementioned. Yet...I was letting it slip by. Caught up in the drama of my heart, I forgot to be happy. I forgot to allow God's presence wash me in joy. Not anymore. I'm claiming it.
The circles I stand outside of are sometimes my making, sometimes others have created them. I can't do anything about those ones. I found myself frustrated. Frustrated by the feeling of "outside looking in". Social events have come and gone, I haven't been invited. It's hard, when you feel like you're supposed to be part of a 'family'.....yet you feel like you're really not part of anything. I felt like I was sinking, pouring my heart out often to those around me (in this forum) and no one approached to pray with me, or even to say they loved me. But maybe, just maybe, they weren't sure how to. I know I'm not the only to ever feel this way...about these things. I'm scared putting this out there, but trusting God with my heart. The circles of my creation? Well, I'm going to smudge those lines. I'm going to be bold, try not to be scary and pray God will open up some fabulous relationships! Disclaimer: I was NOT sitting at home thinking "Woe is poor, friendless me!"...I have some very good friends I've cried with and to and have certainly been loved through this. I guess I was just wanting....
I've allowed my sorrow of sorrows to color my world. It's been a hard road, this Matty and I thing. We traveled along smoothly for 10 years and out of nowhere a mountain sprang up. We couldn't go around it anymore, we'd done that for 4 years. We were getting nowhere. I would imagine in my head certain scenarios and with the intent to play them out, I would go forward into my day. Imagine my surprise when it didn't exactly work out that way. I would get angry, hurt an undertone. In my hurt I would hurt others. My dreams were shattering...why not just let them fall to pieces??! More recently, I've been more cautious with those dreams, I've allowed them to expand and take root. I don't hurt as much. Sometimes, I struggle with trusting....but he's working on it and so am I.
I'm giving those around me the gift of intentional presence. I want to be there for you, too, friend. I don't know you, maybe you don't know me. But I'm praying for you. I'm praying that in the midst of my selfish ramblings, my emotional struggles, my joyful exploits something resonates. I want you to know that God is my inspiration with this blog, He gives the words form. I pray your hearts are open to those around you, that your heart is open to Him. I pray His peace surpass understanding, His love enfolds you heartily. He is always present. I don't have to ask Him, don't have to plead. He is watching over me, bottling my tears and enjoying my joy.
I am going to be intentional. Be intentional with me, friends. Find joy, claim it. Remember that as dark as it looks, He is holding your hand.
I find myself at a distance. I'm standing outside circles, wishing I was in them. I'm watching happiness and not claiming any for myself. I'm dreaming of better times and not creating them. That was me....but not for a bit.
Happiness is mine. It's in the laughter of our family as we play games, watch movies and talk. It's in prayer with friends, decorating with family and sharing meals will all aforementioned. Yet...I was letting it slip by. Caught up in the drama of my heart, I forgot to be happy. I forgot to allow God's presence wash me in joy. Not anymore. I'm claiming it.
The circles I stand outside of are sometimes my making, sometimes others have created them. I can't do anything about those ones. I found myself frustrated. Frustrated by the feeling of "outside looking in". Social events have come and gone, I haven't been invited. It's hard, when you feel like you're supposed to be part of a 'family'.....yet you feel like you're really not part of anything. I felt like I was sinking, pouring my heart out often to those around me (in this forum) and no one approached to pray with me, or even to say they loved me. But maybe, just maybe, they weren't sure how to. I know I'm not the only to ever feel this way...about these things. I'm scared putting this out there, but trusting God with my heart. The circles of my creation? Well, I'm going to smudge those lines. I'm going to be bold, try not to be scary and pray God will open up some fabulous relationships! Disclaimer: I was NOT sitting at home thinking "Woe is poor, friendless me!"...I have some very good friends I've cried with and to and have certainly been loved through this. I guess I was just wanting....
I've allowed my sorrow of sorrows to color my world. It's been a hard road, this Matty and I thing. We traveled along smoothly for 10 years and out of nowhere a mountain sprang up. We couldn't go around it anymore, we'd done that for 4 years. We were getting nowhere. I would imagine in my head certain scenarios and with the intent to play them out, I would go forward into my day. Imagine my surprise when it didn't exactly work out that way. I would get angry, hurt an undertone. In my hurt I would hurt others. My dreams were shattering...why not just let them fall to pieces??! More recently, I've been more cautious with those dreams, I've allowed them to expand and take root. I don't hurt as much. Sometimes, I struggle with trusting....but he's working on it and so am I.
I'm giving those around me the gift of intentional presence. I want to be there for you, too, friend. I don't know you, maybe you don't know me. But I'm praying for you. I'm praying that in the midst of my selfish ramblings, my emotional struggles, my joyful exploits something resonates. I want you to know that God is my inspiration with this blog, He gives the words form. I pray your hearts are open to those around you, that your heart is open to Him. I pray His peace surpass understanding, His love enfolds you heartily. He is always present. I don't have to ask Him, don't have to plead. He is watching over me, bottling my tears and enjoying my joy.
I am going to be intentional. Be intentional with me, friends. Find joy, claim it. Remember that as dark as it looks, He is holding your hand.
Thursday, November 6, 2014
My Annual Thankful Post
What a catching title, huh? Well, here it is. Whether you've been waiting with bated breath or are just now finding me (or neither), this is my annual Thankful blog. This list is comprised of things over this year that have caused me to be intensely thankful. God is good.
Thankful For:
-Matty. At the beginning of the year I was thankful for him, but not the way I am now. My eyes are open, my heart is open, our marriage continues to grow.
-Girls. As in the 6 of them. They are a bright spot in my life, a joy to watch grow, their adventures unfolding.
-Sweet Reya! That girl makes me giggle! She reminds me that there is hope for this world, reminds me of God's grace.
-Piper Ann. Not born yet, but what a sweet joy to anticipate.
-Restoration
-Adventures! I would rather not repeat them without my rock (Matty), but what an adventure this year was! Texas twice, Kaily married (once)and a long drive to and from New Mexico. Tears, laughter, hugs and Skype dates. It's been a ride.
-Son in law x 2. Both are young men who are learning to be good husbands. So thankful for the way they love our girls.
-Crazy. He loves our girl.
-Young adults. All those teens became young adults. What a pleasure it is to still be a part of their lives.
-My Aunt Vicki who loves me all the time.
-My parents, J and A. Family: people who love you no matter what.
-Young people at our church who gave up their lives here in America to teach others in countries that are sorely lacking in amenities and abounding with bugs. God is so for them, His plans are unfolding as I write.
-New dining room light. Love it!
-New friends!
-God has provided for our pantry.
-Murphy hasn't eaten as many socks.
-Whisper doesn't jump the fence.
-People who graciously spend their time working on our vehicle. That we have a vehicle to drive while ours is getting fixed.
-In the midst of our sorrow, God continuously provided brightness. He gave tidbits of joy and never let us sink completely, no matter how hard we tried to swim to the bottom.
-God and His infinite grace.
There is so much more, so many tiny things that have seeped into my every day. I have so much to be thankful for, so much to find joy in. I have decided to not do my non-thankful list....except for one thing: I am NOT thankful for spiders. Yuck!
Find your joy, friends. Claim it. Be thankful, because even if you're not feeling thankful.....you're breathing. His plan for you isn't done unfolding and even when it looks bleak, He is with you. He holds your hand and bottles your tears.
I'm thankful for you. I'm praying for you. Happy Thanksgiving season!
Thankful For:
-Matty. At the beginning of the year I was thankful for him, but not the way I am now. My eyes are open, my heart is open, our marriage continues to grow.
-Girls. As in the 6 of them. They are a bright spot in my life, a joy to watch grow, their adventures unfolding.
-Sweet Reya! That girl makes me giggle! She reminds me that there is hope for this world, reminds me of God's grace.
-Piper Ann. Not born yet, but what a sweet joy to anticipate.
-Restoration
-Adventures! I would rather not repeat them without my rock (Matty), but what an adventure this year was! Texas twice, Kaily married (once)and a long drive to and from New Mexico. Tears, laughter, hugs and Skype dates. It's been a ride.
-Son in law x 2. Both are young men who are learning to be good husbands. So thankful for the way they love our girls.
-Crazy. He loves our girl.
-Young adults. All those teens became young adults. What a pleasure it is to still be a part of their lives.
-My Aunt Vicki who loves me all the time.
-My parents, J and A. Family: people who love you no matter what.
-Young people at our church who gave up their lives here in America to teach others in countries that are sorely lacking in amenities and abounding with bugs. God is so for them, His plans are unfolding as I write.
-New dining room light. Love it!
-New friends!
-God has provided for our pantry.
-Murphy hasn't eaten as many socks.
-Whisper doesn't jump the fence.
-People who graciously spend their time working on our vehicle. That we have a vehicle to drive while ours is getting fixed.
-In the midst of our sorrow, God continuously provided brightness. He gave tidbits of joy and never let us sink completely, no matter how hard we tried to swim to the bottom.
-God and His infinite grace.
There is so much more, so many tiny things that have seeped into my every day. I have so much to be thankful for, so much to find joy in. I have decided to not do my non-thankful list....except for one thing: I am NOT thankful for spiders. Yuck!
Find your joy, friends. Claim it. Be thankful, because even if you're not feeling thankful.....you're breathing. His plan for you isn't done unfolding and even when it looks bleak, He is with you. He holds your hand and bottles your tears.
I'm thankful for you. I'm praying for you. Happy Thanksgiving season!
Tuesday, October 28, 2014
Me at My Most.....
I'm taking a break from the marriage stuff...honestly, things are really good right now. We're talking, not yelling. We're negotiating, not demanding. We're learning, not ignoring. We're loving each other well. So today,I thought I'd give you a little bit of me. I know, I always over share. ;) So here is Me at My Most......
Scared:
Every time I walk into a crowded room. I am so very afraid of rejection. I hide myself away, hoping someone will talk to me. When we started somewhere new, I thought this was my chance to put myself forward. Make a new start, new relationships. I find myself still on the fringes, afraid of what people think...afraid of what people say. I so desperately want to be loved and have real, deep relationships....instead, I find myself watching from the outside. I DO have some very amazing friendships...am so very blessed by them....that doesn't take away the scared-ness in relation to others.
Lonely:
Good golly! Every. Day. Don't get me wrong, I enjoy the quiet of my house, but I'd LOVE to go get coffee with someone, lunch or even just take a walk with another human being that I can chat with. My days are long....they can get lonely. Okay, so maybe it's not EVERY DAY...but it sure does feel like it!
Beautiful:
Hmmmm. Lately, I've been feeling beautiful quite often. That may be because Matty and I are doing so well, and he's loving me better. Plus, I've lost some weight. It's okay if you haven't noticed...I have! :)
Angry:
At any given moment, I could become unglued. Which is interesting, considering I'm reading that very book!! It doesn't take much...a toy left out, a wrapper not thrown away. Shoes left all over my house are a biggie. And I NEVER, EVER go upstairs. Because when I do...well, let's just say I win the worst mom of the year award. Every. Time.
Nervous:
Every Sunday. What if no one says "Hi" to me. What if everyone ignores me. What if no one even 'sees' me. Yup...this is what I think.
Worrisome:
ALWAYS! Worried about money, worried about food. Worried about the girls, about Matty, about grandchildren. Worried about the world ending (not so much anymore), worried about how Christmas is going to work this year. Worried about seeing our far away girls, worried about the dogs. Worried about the new little guest living in my garage...thank you, Matty for telling me that we DO have a mouse out there. Worried, Worried, WORRIED! I just worry. Our counselor did a worry "test"...yeah...I failed big time. Matty on the other hand...doesn't worry about a THING. Lucky duck.....
Joyful:
Sigh. When I think of the girls, when I think of the grandgirls. When I think about how Matty and I turned and RAN from the brink of disaster...together! When I pray, when I allow God to seep into my soul. When I can just be with my family...and just be.
Overwhelmed:
When I feel like no one is taking care of me and I'm taking care of everyone else.
Ambitious:
Right now. I'm going to step beyond my fear and talk to people. The way they respond is theirs...I shouldn't take it personally. Also, when I write. I love to write.
Redeemed:
All day, every day. I can look backwards and see how God has so very patiently waited for me to blow off the muck and enter into His arms. I can see where He's shielded me from the danger I tried to run headlong into. I can enjoy His grace, bask in His love and rejoice that I am His beloved. I can see how He has and is continuing to restore my life. I. Am. His.
Would love to hear about you at your most....it can be anything. From regretful to happy. Remember....you are loved and it's okay to be at your most anything. Today is a new day, tomorrow will take care of itself.
Scared:
Every time I walk into a crowded room. I am so very afraid of rejection. I hide myself away, hoping someone will talk to me. When we started somewhere new, I thought this was my chance to put myself forward. Make a new start, new relationships. I find myself still on the fringes, afraid of what people think...afraid of what people say. I so desperately want to be loved and have real, deep relationships....instead, I find myself watching from the outside. I DO have some very amazing friendships...am so very blessed by them....that doesn't take away the scared-ness in relation to others.
Lonely:
Good golly! Every. Day. Don't get me wrong, I enjoy the quiet of my house, but I'd LOVE to go get coffee with someone, lunch or even just take a walk with another human being that I can chat with. My days are long....they can get lonely. Okay, so maybe it's not EVERY DAY...but it sure does feel like it!
Beautiful:
Hmmmm. Lately, I've been feeling beautiful quite often. That may be because Matty and I are doing so well, and he's loving me better. Plus, I've lost some weight. It's okay if you haven't noticed...I have! :)
Angry:
At any given moment, I could become unglued. Which is interesting, considering I'm reading that very book!! It doesn't take much...a toy left out, a wrapper not thrown away. Shoes left all over my house are a biggie. And I NEVER, EVER go upstairs. Because when I do...well, let's just say I win the worst mom of the year award. Every. Time.
Nervous:
Every Sunday. What if no one says "Hi" to me. What if everyone ignores me. What if no one even 'sees' me. Yup...this is what I think.
Worrisome:
ALWAYS! Worried about money, worried about food. Worried about the girls, about Matty, about grandchildren. Worried about the world ending (not so much anymore), worried about how Christmas is going to work this year. Worried about seeing our far away girls, worried about the dogs. Worried about the new little guest living in my garage...thank you, Matty for telling me that we DO have a mouse out there. Worried, Worried, WORRIED! I just worry. Our counselor did a worry "test"...yeah...I failed big time. Matty on the other hand...doesn't worry about a THING. Lucky duck.....
Joyful:
Sigh. When I think of the girls, when I think of the grandgirls. When I think about how Matty and I turned and RAN from the brink of disaster...together! When I pray, when I allow God to seep into my soul. When I can just be with my family...and just be.
Overwhelmed:
When I feel like no one is taking care of me and I'm taking care of everyone else.
Ambitious:
Right now. I'm going to step beyond my fear and talk to people. The way they respond is theirs...I shouldn't take it personally. Also, when I write. I love to write.
Redeemed:
All day, every day. I can look backwards and see how God has so very patiently waited for me to blow off the muck and enter into His arms. I can see where He's shielded me from the danger I tried to run headlong into. I can enjoy His grace, bask in His love and rejoice that I am His beloved. I can see how He has and is continuing to restore my life. I. Am. His.
Would love to hear about you at your most....it can be anything. From regretful to happy. Remember....you are loved and it's okay to be at your most anything. Today is a new day, tomorrow will take care of itself.
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