My house, currently, is empty aside from me, Murphy the wonderdog and his faithful sidekick (the ever LICK-Y) Whisper. It was a long summer. Amazing how, even with all the changes, I can rejoice in the silence and emptiness that overcomes my house for 8 hours M-Th.
Amazing because if you had asked me in March if I wanted an empty house, I would've said no and burst into tears. That's pretty much all I did in March. Cry. Watching that tall girl get married, having to give her away all by myself was HARD. Feeling the distance between Matty and I and not having a CLUE as to what was causing it or how to change it was perplexing and difficult. Throw in some family resentment, some cranky kids and lost relationships and you've got my spring wrapped up nice and tight.
Oh, yeah. Also, I was EMPTY. I felt so broken and I presented that way.
Our summer went by in a blur, a flurry of activities. A whirlwind of good-byes, feeling like there wasn't enough time in a day. In a house full of girls, the tears flowed often.
Then came the Something that sent Matty and I into counseling. Which is going so/so, for your info. It's always a learning experience....not always pleasant. But at least we're learning. And I'm not feeling so empty.
I remembered that He is all I need. Remembered that even if the Something caused great sorrow, He is bigger than that. He is bigger than the empty me and He can fill me right up with His presence, His peace and His love. It's not perfect, this thing called my life, but at least I'm still breathing!
It's been hard, having girls grow up and begin their own lives. Some people will say "It's normal" or "It's time" or other things like that. When, in reality, they struggled too. You carry these people under your heart, take care of them for numerous years and they just expect to grow up and move away? Well....yes. And that's alright. It just takes some getting used to. That contributed to my emptiness.
It's hard, not knowing how to fix things. That sucks all the "me" out of me. Leaves me empty and desolate. This Something with Matty....that left me the brokenest. But he loves me. So it's getting better. And I love him. And that makes it even more better.
God is "fixing" me. He is mending my broken spirit, filling up my empty soul. That is why I can enjoy the empty of my house.
So in closing, aside from our ever entertaining canines, God is here. My house is never really empty. Just like i was never really empty. I only allowed myself to believe I was.
What are you believing? Let's be real with each other, friends. We (hopefully) all belong to the same family. And if you don't know Jesus....ask me how. He loves you, friend. You are beloved.
Wednesday, August 27, 2014
Tuesday, August 19, 2014
Learning to Love
Every day, we learn. We learn traffic patterns for 7:20 a.m. school runs, learn how long it takes for 2 girls to get ready. We learn what NOT to watch on Netflix, learn about beautiful beginnings and sorrowful endings. We learn how to be better, how to focus on ourselves less. We learn how to walk, talk, kiss, hug and love.
I am learning how to love my husband again. He's learning how to love me again. That's a bit misleading. It's not that we ever stopped, it's just that we forgot to be intentional about showing it. Every week we come away from counseling with an "assignment". This weeks is to list 10 ways he can act to induce affection in me and vice versa. I never realized how I needed him to respond to me in order for me to be more intentional. I know that the goal is to eventually not have to think and put effort into being intentional, it's to just BE INTENTIONAL.
It's interesting to me to realize how I relate. Interesting to hear some of the things that come out when we're being raw with each other. It's nice to be able to talk with him and not feel as though I have to put up a bulwark. (fancy word, huh?) Guess what? These things we're learning and being refreshed on in counseling are things we can use in ALL our relationships with others. Well, except a few.
I am learning to love him better, in a way that he really will respond to. He's learning to love me better, in a way I'll respond to. I've realized that love doesn't just continue on because we WANT it to. It's a consistent learning thing. Every day, I change. Every day, he changes. Every day, I need to learn how to love him. And I choose to love him....every day. I'm pretty sure he chooses to love me every day. And every day, we learn.
I am so thankful that God doesn't have to learn to love me, so glad His love isn't as fickle or as emotional. I'm so glad He just loves me. No strings, no learning how to love, no wondering if He'll love me tomorrow. He just does.
I love my husband. My husband loves me. That wasn't and isn't the issue. But somewhere down the road, we forgot to show it. We allowed ourselves to slip into a pattern of forgetting. We're learning how to get out of it, learning how to show love and mean it.
Friends, marriage is hard. Relationships are hard. Don't feel bad if you struggle....talk about it before it becomes a big thing. Before the wall is so big you don't know how to get over it or go around it.
We still haven't come to the point where we can share what got us into counseling. I can reiterate what it wasn't....but I'm sure I don't have to.
My heart grieves for those without husband and father. I've had to balance my frustration with the knowledge that I have the privilege of my husband.
Learn to love better, friends. That is one area you can never know too much about.
Thank you for praying....God is good all the time.
I am learning how to love my husband again. He's learning how to love me again. That's a bit misleading. It's not that we ever stopped, it's just that we forgot to be intentional about showing it. Every week we come away from counseling with an "assignment". This weeks is to list 10 ways he can act to induce affection in me and vice versa. I never realized how I needed him to respond to me in order for me to be more intentional. I know that the goal is to eventually not have to think and put effort into being intentional, it's to just BE INTENTIONAL.
It's interesting to me to realize how I relate. Interesting to hear some of the things that come out when we're being raw with each other. It's nice to be able to talk with him and not feel as though I have to put up a bulwark. (fancy word, huh?) Guess what? These things we're learning and being refreshed on in counseling are things we can use in ALL our relationships with others. Well, except a few.
I am learning to love him better, in a way that he really will respond to. He's learning to love me better, in a way I'll respond to. I've realized that love doesn't just continue on because we WANT it to. It's a consistent learning thing. Every day, I change. Every day, he changes. Every day, I need to learn how to love him. And I choose to love him....every day. I'm pretty sure he chooses to love me every day. And every day, we learn.
I am so thankful that God doesn't have to learn to love me, so glad His love isn't as fickle or as emotional. I'm so glad He just loves me. No strings, no learning how to love, no wondering if He'll love me tomorrow. He just does.
I love my husband. My husband loves me. That wasn't and isn't the issue. But somewhere down the road, we forgot to show it. We allowed ourselves to slip into a pattern of forgetting. We're learning how to get out of it, learning how to show love and mean it.
Friends, marriage is hard. Relationships are hard. Don't feel bad if you struggle....talk about it before it becomes a big thing. Before the wall is so big you don't know how to get over it or go around it.
We still haven't come to the point where we can share what got us into counseling. I can reiterate what it wasn't....but I'm sure I don't have to.
My heart grieves for those without husband and father. I've had to balance my frustration with the knowledge that I have the privilege of my husband.
Learn to love better, friends. That is one area you can never know too much about.
Thank you for praying....God is good all the time.
Tuesday, August 12, 2014
In An Instant
We are in our 3rd week of counseling. Yesterday was a bad one, I came away angry and crying. Went to bed that way too. This morning, my Facebook feed had a simple line above a picture.
"These are my parents.
Late last night, I lost my Dad.
Please pray for my family."
Talk about perspective. I just wanted to hug Matty. He was at work. This doesn't mean that the reason we're in counseling goes away, doesn't mean we're all done. It doesn't even mean that next week, I won't be upset again. It just means that today I am reminded that there are children who go to bed without hugging their dad....a wife that is a widow.
It was very quick, an instant. I am reminded that is all it is sometimes. It's not always about death. There are "instants" in life that we ignore, let pass us by without a single "Howdy-Do". We forget that those are important. We get stuck in complacency.
Complacency is part of what got Matty and I to counseling to begin with. It's just a sneaky thing, lulling us into the "Every Day". We forget to pay attention to the instants...then they're gone.
I don't want them to be gone. I want to remember to cherish every instant.
I know that the Lord is sovereign. I know He called this man home, that this man is worshiping at His feet. There is sorrow here, there is also peace. His peace surpasses all understanding.
Tell the people you love that you do. Don't let instants pass you by. Enjoy them, embrace them and let them wash over you with joy.
God is good all the time, all the time God is good.
"These are my parents.
Late last night, I lost my Dad.
Please pray for my family."
Talk about perspective. I just wanted to hug Matty. He was at work. This doesn't mean that the reason we're in counseling goes away, doesn't mean we're all done. It doesn't even mean that next week, I won't be upset again. It just means that today I am reminded that there are children who go to bed without hugging their dad....a wife that is a widow.
It was very quick, an instant. I am reminded that is all it is sometimes. It's not always about death. There are "instants" in life that we ignore, let pass us by without a single "Howdy-Do". We forget that those are important. We get stuck in complacency.
Complacency is part of what got Matty and I to counseling to begin with. It's just a sneaky thing, lulling us into the "Every Day". We forget to pay attention to the instants...then they're gone.
I don't want them to be gone. I want to remember to cherish every instant.
I know that the Lord is sovereign. I know He called this man home, that this man is worshiping at His feet. There is sorrow here, there is also peace. His peace surpasses all understanding.
Tell the people you love that you do. Don't let instants pass you by. Enjoy them, embrace them and let them wash over you with joy.
God is good all the time, all the time God is good.
Friday, August 1, 2014
Next Go Round
Here we are. We've had our second session. We've survived it.
It's hard. Some days it feels like we're headed forward, full steam ahead. The next day, it feels like we've fallen 5 paces behind and someone has shot us in the leg. Good gracious...marriage is hard! So is being a parent, but that is another kettle of fish.
We enter every day with hope. Some days, trepidation comes calling. Some days, joy takes the forefront. I've learned that there is no blueprint for this, no clear directions. We just keep praying, seeking God and talking with each other. Sometimes AT each other. But always face to face. Otherwise things get misinterpreted. Nothing like putting a 'tone' to a text.
Our counselor is a bit quirky. We like that. He's also honest. I go into the sessions knowing I'll get called out on something, but so will Matty. We're learning a lot about ourselves, about each other. I had a moment of panic last week, wondering if through all this self discovery Matt will decided he doesn't love me. (I think that is a valid fear that people have when entering counseling, especially secular counseling) I mentioned that to Matty. His response was that we're learning these things so we can love each other better, not stop loving at all.
I'll be honest. There have been moments when I've shut down, walled up and hunkered behind the bulwark. There have been moments where I just wanted to throw my hands up and run. Self protect mode. I recognize this. It is not a healthy thing, it's a byproduct of life before Matty. It's easier to shut down than to open up. I'm pretty sure he's felt that way too.
Yet, here I am. Opening my heart to you. That's better than shutting life out, ignoring the world. I've done that a lot. I know....my life has been a series of typhoons. The storms are calming, the waves getting smaller and I feel like I can breathe again. I'm sorry to those that I sheltered from.....I really didn't know how to be social.
I'm not sure how long we'll be in counseling, but I realized today that there is no easy fix. This does not just get better because we've uncovered the wound and aired it out. This is going to take time. I want it to be better now....but am willing to wait for God to bring total restoration.
Let me reiterate: Matty and I are committed to our marriage. We are in the absolute belief that staying married is the only way to fix any marital issue. Our counselor is committed to our commitment to each other. More importantly, God is committed to US. We are His and will live as such.
The next go round is Monday....prayers are much appreciated.
ps....I'm ready for social. Hit me up!
It's hard. Some days it feels like we're headed forward, full steam ahead. The next day, it feels like we've fallen 5 paces behind and someone has shot us in the leg. Good gracious...marriage is hard! So is being a parent, but that is another kettle of fish.
We enter every day with hope. Some days, trepidation comes calling. Some days, joy takes the forefront. I've learned that there is no blueprint for this, no clear directions. We just keep praying, seeking God and talking with each other. Sometimes AT each other. But always face to face. Otherwise things get misinterpreted. Nothing like putting a 'tone' to a text.
Our counselor is a bit quirky. We like that. He's also honest. I go into the sessions knowing I'll get called out on something, but so will Matty. We're learning a lot about ourselves, about each other. I had a moment of panic last week, wondering if through all this self discovery Matt will decided he doesn't love me. (I think that is a valid fear that people have when entering counseling, especially secular counseling) I mentioned that to Matty. His response was that we're learning these things so we can love each other better, not stop loving at all.
I'll be honest. There have been moments when I've shut down, walled up and hunkered behind the bulwark. There have been moments where I just wanted to throw my hands up and run. Self protect mode. I recognize this. It is not a healthy thing, it's a byproduct of life before Matty. It's easier to shut down than to open up. I'm pretty sure he's felt that way too.
Yet, here I am. Opening my heart to you. That's better than shutting life out, ignoring the world. I've done that a lot. I know....my life has been a series of typhoons. The storms are calming, the waves getting smaller and I feel like I can breathe again. I'm sorry to those that I sheltered from.....I really didn't know how to be social.
I'm not sure how long we'll be in counseling, but I realized today that there is no easy fix. This does not just get better because we've uncovered the wound and aired it out. This is going to take time. I want it to be better now....but am willing to wait for God to bring total restoration.
Let me reiterate: Matty and I are committed to our marriage. We are in the absolute belief that staying married is the only way to fix any marital issue. Our counselor is committed to our commitment to each other. More importantly, God is committed to US. We are His and will live as such.
The next go round is Monday....prayers are much appreciated.
ps....I'm ready for social. Hit me up!
Saturday, July 19, 2014
Things We Don't Talk About
There are things, in this world, that we don't talk about. You'd like to believe that as Christians, believers in the one true God, we'd be honest with each other about our sins, sorrows and all the struggles we go through. Because then, we'd know we're not alone. But there are things we don't talk about....so we think we're alone. I've used this blog as a forum. A way to be completely honest with you. And here I am again.
I won't go into too much detail. We're not there yet. BUT...Matty and I started marriage counseling on Friday. GASP! I know! COUNSELING! Um, what EXACTLY is the big deal?
We are admitting that as a married couple (almost 14 years) WE ARE STRUGGLING. The struggle we're going through now is pretty big. Our sorrow is bigger....but we're staying married. And we're talking to someone about it. We are able to talk without judgement, talk without worrying how the other will respond. We are able to cry, laugh and be angry. This person, this counselor, listens and is FOR our marriage. Bigger than that, WE are for our marriage. Even bigger (and better), God is for our marriage.
A few blogs ago, I wrote about how I "left" Matty and he "left" me. I thought we were working through it. Turns out it was a bandaid. An easy fix....an "OH LOOK! Everything's better!". Nope. Not even close. The details are too new to share, but I believe that someday God will press us to do just that. Why? So that you KNOW you're not the only believer to struggle. I'm sure this has you speculating. You can speculate all you want.....it doesn't get you anywhere.
It's easy to look at another couple and think that you're nothing like them. Beware, your marriage is at risk. Protect your hearts, guard your spouse's. Don't get caught up in the idea that you're safe just because you're saved. Those are two very different things, my friends.
I love my husband. My husband loves me. Sometimes, we need to be reminded. Sometimes, we need a bit of help discovering how to get back "on track" and out of the complacency our lives have slipped into. It's so easy to get into a rut, same thing every day. Same conversation, new day. Same sorrows....same confusion....same struggles. Not knowing how to get back in control, the spiral getting tighter. There is always a catalyst....be aware.
You are not alone. I know that those of you that are married have not had the perfect marriage, no matter the front we see. I know that everyone one of us is a sinner....therefore there is no perfection. We need to start talking. We need to start being honest. We need to show each other the healed wounds, the victory that we have overcome the bad. We need......
Please pray for us. It's not easy, yet already some things have gotten.....non complacent. Our goal is to love each other better, remember each other more and to stay married. He is my beloved, I am his.
More importantly, we are both His.
"Its a slow fade
When you give yourself away
Its a slow fade
When black and white are turned to gray
And thoughts invade, choices are made
A price will be paid
When you give yourself away
People never crumble in a day
The journey from your mind to your hands
Is shorter than youre thinking
Be careful if you think you stand
You just might be sinking"
Casting Crowns, Slow Fade. I do not own the rights to these lyrics, am so thankful they exist.
I won't go into too much detail. We're not there yet. BUT...Matty and I started marriage counseling on Friday. GASP! I know! COUNSELING! Um, what EXACTLY is the big deal?
We are admitting that as a married couple (almost 14 years) WE ARE STRUGGLING. The struggle we're going through now is pretty big. Our sorrow is bigger....but we're staying married. And we're talking to someone about it. We are able to talk without judgement, talk without worrying how the other will respond. We are able to cry, laugh and be angry. This person, this counselor, listens and is FOR our marriage. Bigger than that, WE are for our marriage. Even bigger (and better), God is for our marriage.
A few blogs ago, I wrote about how I "left" Matty and he "left" me. I thought we were working through it. Turns out it was a bandaid. An easy fix....an "OH LOOK! Everything's better!". Nope. Not even close. The details are too new to share, but I believe that someday God will press us to do just that. Why? So that you KNOW you're not the only believer to struggle. I'm sure this has you speculating. You can speculate all you want.....it doesn't get you anywhere.
It's easy to look at another couple and think that you're nothing like them. Beware, your marriage is at risk. Protect your hearts, guard your spouse's. Don't get caught up in the idea that you're safe just because you're saved. Those are two very different things, my friends.
I love my husband. My husband loves me. Sometimes, we need to be reminded. Sometimes, we need a bit of help discovering how to get back "on track" and out of the complacency our lives have slipped into. It's so easy to get into a rut, same thing every day. Same conversation, new day. Same sorrows....same confusion....same struggles. Not knowing how to get back in control, the spiral getting tighter. There is always a catalyst....be aware.
You are not alone. I know that those of you that are married have not had the perfect marriage, no matter the front we see. I know that everyone one of us is a sinner....therefore there is no perfection. We need to start talking. We need to start being honest. We need to show each other the healed wounds, the victory that we have overcome the bad. We need......
Please pray for us. It's not easy, yet already some things have gotten.....non complacent. Our goal is to love each other better, remember each other more and to stay married. He is my beloved, I am his.
More importantly, we are both His.
"Its a slow fade
When you give yourself away
Its a slow fade
When black and white are turned to gray
And thoughts invade, choices are made
A price will be paid
When you give yourself away
People never crumble in a day
The journey from your mind to your hands
Is shorter than youre thinking
Be careful if you think you stand
You just might be sinking"
Casting Crowns, Slow Fade. I do not own the rights to these lyrics, am so thankful they exist.
Tuesday, July 1, 2014
The Learns I've Learned
I have returned. Sans a tall girl. My heart is sad yet overjoyed to see my other girls. And so very glad that life has slowed down. I wonder if it'll stay that way......
I cried. A lot. I'm still prone to bouts of tears. Not as much.
I learned some things on this journey.....
Here's ten of them:
1) I'm stronger than I think. I can drive numerous miles, drop my flesh and blood off and leave her. It wasn't easy, there were lots of tears. However, I am home and she is at her new home.
2) Bravery is something I'm capable of. I drove a LONG way, folks. It was quite an adventure...I had great adventure buddies. (buddY on the way home) C played a hippie's djembe at a truck stop. QUITE the adventurer, that one!
3) Just because Colorado has "Bear Crossing" signs (with pictures of the bears on them) doesn't mean you'll actually see a bear. Bummer.
4) Buffalo Bill is buried in Colorado.
5)Cockroaches are creepy. They scurry in the dark....when you least expect them. Eeesh!
6)Birds like my car. Really. We had at least 4 dive bomb it...2 were successful. Pretty sure they died.
7) Bugs. Windshield. Ewwwww!
8) The tall girl can cook! And it's yummy!
9) God loves me. We saw so many wonderous things....I am in awe of His love.Plus we saw hippies dancing at the rock arch. They had an "alien" van.
10)You'd like to think everything will be easier tomorrow....it isn't.
We were assaulted when we walked in. Her stuff was everywhere. You'd think it had all been packed and was being unpacked at her new home. Nope. That would be too easy. And so I learned that small things can bring tears in grown women. (not me, for the record) Sweatshirts, posters, perfume bottles...all hold tear inciting power when your best friend has left them behind.
It will take time. She'll settle, we'll settle. It's not like we're never going to see her again. It's just that this feels so permanent. And even though I had company...I had to do this on my own. Again. I've had some very emotional things that I've done with out my emotional cheerleader next to me. (Matty, in case you're curious) I'm worn.
I wouldn't take a moment back. I've had some very sweet moments with these very sweet girls. And with our son in law. He definitely isn't used to our brand of crazy and drama sends him to a happy place somewhere in his mind, but I love him. He'll get used to it. These moments are treasures. The wedding, reception, New Mexico journey....those are full of moments to be treasured and cherished. I learned I need to cherish.
We're good. Life will continue forward. I don't want to miss any moments....so I am grabbing what comes and enjoying it.
One more things I learned:
New Mexico is better than dead.....
"If ever there is tomorrow when we're not together, there is something you must always remember. You are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think. But the most important thing is, even if we're apart, I'll always be with you."
Christopher Robin, Pooh's Grand Adventure
I cried. A lot. I'm still prone to bouts of tears. Not as much.
I learned some things on this journey.....
Here's ten of them:
1) I'm stronger than I think. I can drive numerous miles, drop my flesh and blood off and leave her. It wasn't easy, there were lots of tears. However, I am home and she is at her new home.
2) Bravery is something I'm capable of. I drove a LONG way, folks. It was quite an adventure...I had great adventure buddies. (buddY on the way home) C played a hippie's djembe at a truck stop. QUITE the adventurer, that one!
3) Just because Colorado has "Bear Crossing" signs (with pictures of the bears on them) doesn't mean you'll actually see a bear. Bummer.
4) Buffalo Bill is buried in Colorado.
5)Cockroaches are creepy. They scurry in the dark....when you least expect them. Eeesh!
6)Birds like my car. Really. We had at least 4 dive bomb it...2 were successful. Pretty sure they died.
7) Bugs. Windshield. Ewwwww!
8) The tall girl can cook! And it's yummy!
9) God loves me. We saw so many wonderous things....I am in awe of His love.Plus we saw hippies dancing at the rock arch. They had an "alien" van.
10)You'd like to think everything will be easier tomorrow....it isn't.
We were assaulted when we walked in. Her stuff was everywhere. You'd think it had all been packed and was being unpacked at her new home. Nope. That would be too easy. And so I learned that small things can bring tears in grown women. (not me, for the record) Sweatshirts, posters, perfume bottles...all hold tear inciting power when your best friend has left them behind.
It will take time. She'll settle, we'll settle. It's not like we're never going to see her again. It's just that this feels so permanent. And even though I had company...I had to do this on my own. Again. I've had some very emotional things that I've done with out my emotional cheerleader next to me. (Matty, in case you're curious) I'm worn.
I wouldn't take a moment back. I've had some very sweet moments with these very sweet girls. And with our son in law. He definitely isn't used to our brand of crazy and drama sends him to a happy place somewhere in his mind, but I love him. He'll get used to it. These moments are treasures. The wedding, reception, New Mexico journey....those are full of moments to be treasured and cherished. I learned I need to cherish.
We're good. Life will continue forward. I don't want to miss any moments....so I am grabbing what comes and enjoying it.
One more things I learned:
New Mexico is better than dead.....
"If ever there is tomorrow when we're not together, there is something you must always remember. You are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think. But the most important thing is, even if we're apart, I'll always be with you."
Christopher Robin, Pooh's Grand Adventure
Saturday, June 28, 2014
My Oh My!
We left home a week ago to drive K to her new home. Our rig was loaded heavy with furniture,boxes and odds and ends. Her mattress was bagged up and tied down to the top of the car. We were definitely a sight to see, but really who cared?? We were on a mission.
Well. Let me tell you what....those mattress bags do not hold up. We made a pit stop to wrap the mattress with some industrial strength saran wrap type stuff. It went through the car, folks. Every time we stopped, we wrapped. It was CRAZY!
The faster we went the more air the mattress got. We joked that it would take flight like Aladdin's magic carpet. It never did...had a few close calls though. On the second day of travel we got a little smarter. We bought duct tape, tore the wrapping off, rewrapped and duct taped. Nothing went through the car this time. It was much better. It just took us a bit to figure out the correct science. We were still a sight to see, we still didn't care.
We wasted so much time figuring out the exact way to make it work. Sometimes, being a parent is like that. We worry about the wrong things, waste time on the wrong situations and forget to enjoy the little moments. By the time we've got it absolutely (we think) perfect, we've missed so many minutes.
Our journey last week was filled with amazing moments. A rainbows beginning and end, a fire we just missed being in. Lightning that painted the sky, awe inspiring situations written by God's hand.
Our journey last week was filled with sorrow. Every mile we crossed the realization that this was happening hit home. We had tears and laughter, anger and fellowship. She sobbed at the absolute that this move was. Her heart had 7 holes in it, she said. My mommy heart sorrowed. For who, I wondered, would watch scary movies with me? Who would I be able to talk make-up with, slip "Buffy" references into conversation with and who would "Ta-Da" herself coming down the stairs??
My,Oh My.
I feel like I didn't have enough moments. I KNOW I wasted some being angry. I'm not talking about just last week, I'm talking about the entire time I've been a mother. I have let moments slip away, let them disappear because I was too stubborn.
Each daughter is unique. My story with them is their own. I enjoy very different things with these very different daughters. Please don't misunderstand and assume that one can fill the role of the other.
She is mourning. Mourning the loss of her life at home. Her home is empty, she says, her house is quiet. At any given moment, she breaks down....sobbing as though she can't go forward. Her sweet husband is patient....confused, but patient. It's been hard to watch. I wanted to leave right after I got here....selfishly. I wanted to just run away, home to my husbands arms and try to slip into a new normal. At the same time, I don't want to go anywhere. I don't know how other people do it. I feel so small. Others send their children to foreign countries to be missionaries or off to far away colleges. They seem to be so much stronger...what is wrong with me, then?
Nothing. My story is different.
I have treasured memories from our journey...I have regrets of things not done, not said. I know when I get home, it'll all be good. I know God's plan for her life is unfolding the way He wants it to. I know that this is good and right. I know all these things.....my heart still sorrows. Her sorrow is palatable....I think that is the hardest for me. Because I know that no matter what, I CAN'T FIX IT. Her sorrow comes from missing 7 people. Her sorrow comes from not having the chaos that was her life. Her sorrow comes from knowing that she can't just run down the road to see her mom, dad and siblings. Her sorrow is that there are not dogs to create annoying messes.
Isn't that the way life works? She wouldn't NOT marry him, given the choice with the knowledge of what was around the corner. She wouldn't change that part...she'd just pack us with her. I've spent a lot of time writing about this change. It's been here and there and everywhere, but has now really happened. We're leaving in 2 days. She won't be coming with us.
My...Oh...My.....
Well. Let me tell you what....those mattress bags do not hold up. We made a pit stop to wrap the mattress with some industrial strength saran wrap type stuff. It went through the car, folks. Every time we stopped, we wrapped. It was CRAZY!
The faster we went the more air the mattress got. We joked that it would take flight like Aladdin's magic carpet. It never did...had a few close calls though. On the second day of travel we got a little smarter. We bought duct tape, tore the wrapping off, rewrapped and duct taped. Nothing went through the car this time. It was much better. It just took us a bit to figure out the correct science. We were still a sight to see, we still didn't care.
We wasted so much time figuring out the exact way to make it work. Sometimes, being a parent is like that. We worry about the wrong things, waste time on the wrong situations and forget to enjoy the little moments. By the time we've got it absolutely (we think) perfect, we've missed so many minutes.
Our journey last week was filled with amazing moments. A rainbows beginning and end, a fire we just missed being in. Lightning that painted the sky, awe inspiring situations written by God's hand.
Our journey last week was filled with sorrow. Every mile we crossed the realization that this was happening hit home. We had tears and laughter, anger and fellowship. She sobbed at the absolute that this move was. Her heart had 7 holes in it, she said. My mommy heart sorrowed. For who, I wondered, would watch scary movies with me? Who would I be able to talk make-up with, slip "Buffy" references into conversation with and who would "Ta-Da" herself coming down the stairs??
My,Oh My.
I feel like I didn't have enough moments. I KNOW I wasted some being angry. I'm not talking about just last week, I'm talking about the entire time I've been a mother. I have let moments slip away, let them disappear because I was too stubborn.
Each daughter is unique. My story with them is their own. I enjoy very different things with these very different daughters. Please don't misunderstand and assume that one can fill the role of the other.
She is mourning. Mourning the loss of her life at home. Her home is empty, she says, her house is quiet. At any given moment, she breaks down....sobbing as though she can't go forward. Her sweet husband is patient....confused, but patient. It's been hard to watch. I wanted to leave right after I got here....selfishly. I wanted to just run away, home to my husbands arms and try to slip into a new normal. At the same time, I don't want to go anywhere. I don't know how other people do it. I feel so small. Others send their children to foreign countries to be missionaries or off to far away colleges. They seem to be so much stronger...what is wrong with me, then?
Nothing. My story is different.
I have treasured memories from our journey...I have regrets of things not done, not said. I know when I get home, it'll all be good. I know God's plan for her life is unfolding the way He wants it to. I know that this is good and right. I know all these things.....my heart still sorrows. Her sorrow is palatable....I think that is the hardest for me. Because I know that no matter what, I CAN'T FIX IT. Her sorrow comes from missing 7 people. Her sorrow comes from not having the chaos that was her life. Her sorrow comes from knowing that she can't just run down the road to see her mom, dad and siblings. Her sorrow is that there are not dogs to create annoying messes.
Isn't that the way life works? She wouldn't NOT marry him, given the choice with the knowledge of what was around the corner. She wouldn't change that part...she'd just pack us with her. I've spent a lot of time writing about this change. It's been here and there and everywhere, but has now really happened. We're leaving in 2 days. She won't be coming with us.
My...Oh...My.....
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