One by one they grow up. They make choices. They listen or they don't. They slip and slide down the road. And I have to just watch.
Our relationship with our girls is unique. We've been very honest with them about the "hot button" issues. Sex, drugs, adultery, divorce.....pretty much anything we thought would cause them harm or hurt. We've chatted with them about experiences we've had, told them ugly details. We've spoken LOTS of God's grace. If you ask our girls about this, they'll tell you we've talked TOO MUCH about it all! I guess we just want them to know how special they are and how many "foxes" lurk about. We are constantly telling the girls to have a plan to escape their plan. One plan isn't enough.
I wanted so much more for them than I ever had. Which is why we started talking when they were young. I wasn't going to miss anything. I was going to make sure they all KNEW everything I didn't. And I pray. A lot. I pray my pattern of sin stop with me. Guess what!......they still make mistakes. I'm not talking physical (intimate) ones. I'm talking in general. For some reason, I thought if we educated them on all things, they would make wise choices. Hmmmm. THEY MISSED THE MEMO! And sometimes, I just shake my head and wonder where we dropped the ball.
But we didn't. We have done our best, shouted til we're blue in the face. We have reiterated and spoken truth to them. We have prayed for them, loved them and shielded them. Now, it's up to them. We still have a few we can continue to "bubble wrap", but for the most part we have 2 3/4 adult children. (Chellsei, you're the 3/4)
Sometimes, I get really happy when other christian children mess up. Because then I know we are ok. I know that if their kid did it, ours must be alright. Please don't misunderstand....I never rejoice over a lost sheep or a sheep who is blatantly going against God. I just take heart and know that it's okay not to be perfect. And that it isn't a reflection on my relationship with the Lord. And that it's not because we did anything wrong, it's just that these daughters were created with their own minds. I know, I know.....that's shocking.
The hardest thing I've ever had to do as a mom is step back. I hate having to let them get hurt....but that helps them grow. Until they have children, they won't understand. I look forward to when they do.
One by One they grow up and get a life. I may not like it, but that's the way it goes.
Monday, May 21, 2012
Monday, May 7, 2012
Not sure how to _______!
Please, fill in the blank. I have many words to fill it in with.
Not sure how to:
Think
Pray
Go forward
Not cry
Be happy
Be supportive
Smile
Grow
Move
As many know, Matty lost his job. I can't even talk to my friends without crying. Of course, this comes on the heel of Hillary getting married and Emily graduating. And to top it off, I have *healing* second degree burns on my hand. My right hand. Sigh.
To say it's been sucky is an understatement. I don't think we have any more than anyone else, it's just happened all at once. I go to bed ok, at peace and with an understanding that God has this. Come morning, I am a big ball of worry. The money is disappearing. Unemployment is not forthcoming. The girls have need of summer clothes. And, ACK, we're planning a wedding on a ZERO budget. Let's throw doctor bills in there just for fun. Wheeeeeeeee!
In conversation with a friend over her struggles, she stated that sometimes "It's even harder to go through trials as a Christian, with Christian brothers and sisters looking on." Sometimes, those same people say well meaning, but backhanded insulting, things. I already feel like it's my fault. I feel like we have made poor financial decisions, therefore we are reaping what we've sown. I feel like we "deserve" this. Perhaps there is some sin I haven't confessed, something I should be doing "better". Then maybe Matty would have a job. Unemployment would come. And the girls' needs would be met. Funny thing is, my friend said the same thing over a completely different subject. And isn't that skewed??! We both KNOW that God has this, we both KNOW that His plan is for our future and He will take care of us. But somewhere in the grand scheme, we feel there must be more we could/should be doing.
Yesterday was communion at church. And as I sat there and meditated on the words the pastor said, I realized I was trying to control the situation. And as I sat, I released it all. I let it go. In that moment I was reminded that He really DOES have this. There is nothing that is a surprise to Him. I held onto that thought, cleared my mind of all but Him and worshiping and praising Him and just believing. And then, I was needed. I take it very seriously when God says move. So move I did. I had some very sweet time with some very sweet women. Our situations are different, but oh so similar. Our love for the Lord wasn't less, our understanding the WHY of each scenario was befuddling. And as humans, we want the WHY. We want to know it all.
Maybe in a year, I'll look back at this season with joy. I'll see and remember all the ways God moved. Maybe in a week I'll be able to talk with a friend without tears. Maybe tomorrow Matty will have a new job. And maybe a purple spotted giraffe will waltz into my living room with an orange hippo. I don't know. But if I did, I would certainly try to control it.
Someone else asked me if we had received any blessings last week. I had to think. Really hard. Because in that moment, I couldn't think of a single one. Matty did. He told her about someone bringing us dinner. What a blessing that was. I don't want to miss any, don't want to be so focused on the WHY that I forget to stop and watch and be thankful. It's just a job.....
Not sure how to......
However you finish it, remember to hold tight. There is One who has it all. One who knows your/my name.....One who knows my/your heart....One who holds our tears and prays for us. What an awesome thought....what a mighty God.
Not sure how to:
Think
Pray
Go forward
Not cry
Be happy
Be supportive
Smile
Grow
Move
As many know, Matty lost his job. I can't even talk to my friends without crying. Of course, this comes on the heel of Hillary getting married and Emily graduating. And to top it off, I have *healing* second degree burns on my hand. My right hand. Sigh.
To say it's been sucky is an understatement. I don't think we have any more than anyone else, it's just happened all at once. I go to bed ok, at peace and with an understanding that God has this. Come morning, I am a big ball of worry. The money is disappearing. Unemployment is not forthcoming. The girls have need of summer clothes. And, ACK, we're planning a wedding on a ZERO budget. Let's throw doctor bills in there just for fun. Wheeeeeeeee!
In conversation with a friend over her struggles, she stated that sometimes "It's even harder to go through trials as a Christian, with Christian brothers and sisters looking on." Sometimes, those same people say well meaning, but backhanded insulting, things. I already feel like it's my fault. I feel like we have made poor financial decisions, therefore we are reaping what we've sown. I feel like we "deserve" this. Perhaps there is some sin I haven't confessed, something I should be doing "better". Then maybe Matty would have a job. Unemployment would come. And the girls' needs would be met. Funny thing is, my friend said the same thing over a completely different subject. And isn't that skewed??! We both KNOW that God has this, we both KNOW that His plan is for our future and He will take care of us. But somewhere in the grand scheme, we feel there must be more we could/should be doing.
Yesterday was communion at church. And as I sat there and meditated on the words the pastor said, I realized I was trying to control the situation. And as I sat, I released it all. I let it go. In that moment I was reminded that He really DOES have this. There is nothing that is a surprise to Him. I held onto that thought, cleared my mind of all but Him and worshiping and praising Him and just believing. And then, I was needed. I take it very seriously when God says move. So move I did. I had some very sweet time with some very sweet women. Our situations are different, but oh so similar. Our love for the Lord wasn't less, our understanding the WHY of each scenario was befuddling. And as humans, we want the WHY. We want to know it all.
Maybe in a year, I'll look back at this season with joy. I'll see and remember all the ways God moved. Maybe in a week I'll be able to talk with a friend without tears. Maybe tomorrow Matty will have a new job. And maybe a purple spotted giraffe will waltz into my living room with an orange hippo. I don't know. But if I did, I would certainly try to control it.
Someone else asked me if we had received any blessings last week. I had to think. Really hard. Because in that moment, I couldn't think of a single one. Matty did. He told her about someone bringing us dinner. What a blessing that was. I don't want to miss any, don't want to be so focused on the WHY that I forget to stop and watch and be thankful. It's just a job.....
Not sure how to......
However you finish it, remember to hold tight. There is One who has it all. One who knows your/my name.....One who knows my/your heart....One who holds our tears and prays for us. What an awesome thought....what a mighty God.
Tuesday, April 17, 2012
The "Bad" Me
So, here is a secret: I have a "BAD" me. *GASP*....Oh the HORROR!
Bad me likes to listen to non-christian music and occasionally watch "R" rated movies. Bad me wishes I could kick people who frustrate me. Bad me wishes that all her children would just GROW UP already. Bad me wants to eat chocolate all day and watch reality t.v. Those shows are like a train wreck....you just can't look away. Bad me sometimes want to run away to a desert island with nothing but herself and a Starbucks. There are other things that bad me wants to do and I have to constantly keep "her" in check.
I know that being a christian, I should do better. However, I also know that it's a constant battle. Paul even said as much. We are almost always taught that if we are doing everything "right", our lives will flow perfectly. If we just wouldn't do this thing or that thing then everything will be peachy. We live in a misconception that if we keep ourselves in check, God will love us more. The truth is, there isn't anything I can do so that God will love me more. He loves me immensely. That doesn't change just because "BAD" me comes out once in a while.
Sometimes, we apply the "keep in check" rule to our families. We think that if we just do "this" or "that", then the people we love will always love us. The truth is, sometimes it doesn't work. Sometimes, I am downright hard to love. I know it....but I don't stop being difficult. Sometimes, it's hard to love my kids. Yet, deep down...ingrained in my soul is a love that doesn't depend on feeling. It's a love that overcomes frustration, a love that hits so hard that I can't breathe. I've had that love hit many times: with children, with Matty, with my parents and my niece and nephew....friends. It's at those times, I just look up at the Lord with awe and wonder. I realize that if I love MY earthly family in such a way, His love for me is boundless. It has no limit and no size. He will not get tired of me, He will not discard me, He will not STOP loving me. "BAD" me does not discourage the Lord, does not make Him walk away. He will nudge me, remind me that what I may be doing is not glorifying to Him. He will perhaps even discipline me. But He WILL NOT LEAVE ME.
We pretend to be "perfect". Pretend that the "BAD" one is never free to roam, that we are in total control. Well, pretend all you want my friend. I'm through. Sometimes the BAD me does come out. Sometimes I make unwise choices. Sometimes I even let those choices rule me. I never excuse....just learn....and I want to continue to do so. He will continue to pick me up, dust me off and love me all the more. And for that, I am grateful.
If you happen to hear of a desert island with a Starbucks on it, let me know. I'm looking to relocate.
Wednesday, April 11, 2012
The Circle
I have returned. Triumphant and all full of Disney memories. It was fabulous. Until we took Harley on Indiana Jones. The first day. Our very FIRST ride. Then it was not so much great. Plus, she had a cold the first few days. I really, really, REALLY wanted this to be fantastic for her.Ugh! But, we took it in stride (I only told her she had to ride Indy again about 50 BILLION times....she didn't) and moved along with our days. And it was fun. Our first day, we met Cinderella. Harley was a happy girl.
It was easy to forget things. But as soon as we were back, everything piled up on me. Girl Scouts, Awana, Hillary's wedding/baby, Emily's graduation and party. Chellsei's birthday. Matty's Birthday.
I feel like there is this magical circle and everyone else gets to be inside but me. I watch other people say "Hi" to each other, wait for someone to say "Hi" to me. I stand on the perimeter, waiting to be noticed. Waiting to be wanted. I have such expectation. It really isn't fair. I know that sometimes I have this force field around me, shielding me from the outside world....pretending I don't care. When inside, I'm yelling...."Hey! Look at me! Pay attention to me!" And I know that is my little girl self. The insecure, not "enough" little girl who hides inside. She doesn't come out all the time. Just when I'm lonely. I feel like I try to build relationships and then after a while, they just crumble....or get like a sponge. Just kind of sit there, lukewarm and mushy. I don't like mushy.
That is not who I want to be. How can I teach the girls anything if I am not learning anything?? I mean, really!
And so I need to learn. I need to grow and stop letting "little girl" me take over "big girl" me. I am almost 40 years old, about to be a grandma. I should know better! However, I am also human, with emotion and insecurities. There are sometimes, I am just in your face confident and strong. Nothing will get me down. But then, the circle appears and I am once again on the perimeter. I shake it off, pretend I'm ok. But I'm not. I want to be loved, not just by Matty but by my peers.
I will walk into the "Circle". I will tread quietly and carefully. I will be bold and say "Hi". I will love with the hope of being loved back. I am loved by God. And Matty. And 6 beautiful and wonderful blessing. I know I'm loved by more than that....sometimes, I just don't feel it. Perhaps I need to stop trying to "feel" it and just KNOW it.
Have you ever felt on the outside of a magic circle? It would be nice to know if you've ever felt this way....then I would know that I am perhaps a little normal...no matter how "special" you all really think I am! :D
Saturday, March 3, 2012
Tethers
One week. One week until I am in my "happy" place. I love Disneyland. I think it's because I can run around like a child and no one makes fun of me because they're all doing it too! I love the carefree environment, the way the workers always smile and say "Hi" and I LOVE the people in costumes. I can hug a princess, dance with a pirate and even talk to Peter Pan. I can forget everything that is going on in the "real" world.
Last night, I REALLY wanted to run away and never come back. I would've moved right in with those fairies or lived underground with the pirates. Being a parent is hard. Being the parent of a teen adult is harder. At what point do you let go and keep letting the tether out? When are you supposed to reel them back in? My heart aches when I see the children running headlong into danger. There is no Larry Boy to save them. I want to grab the tether and yank as hard as I can. I want to pull them back in time, to a more innocent age. Don't misunderstand, they haven't done anything super horrible....just enough to cause me to have nightmares.
In this specific situation, the internet plays the part of the villain. And low self esteem the villains evil assistant. When a person, who's age shall remain a mystery, disregards a fathers request, there is a problem. When that same person, who is OLD enough to know better, refers to us as "dumb*donkeys* and informs us that we could learn a thing or two from our teen adult...we have a problem. When said father informs the OLD enough to know better person to back it off, the OLD enough guy says he will but only(and I quote)"..because I don't want her to suffer your abuse". WHAT?
I am reminded that the internet is a catch all. It is good vs evil every day. And predators abound. We have had a run in with one. And my heart hurts because she felt so bad about herself that she was willing to take whatever anyone, including OLD enough to know better guy, would tell her. She feels less than. I remember that. The grasping whatever I could to feel like I was someone. It's scary to realize he was "grooming" her.
I feel like I've failed. Yet, in reality, there isn't much I could do. I've told her she's lovely, told her she's smart, reminded her she's MORE than and that truly she is a princess in her own right. She is daughter of the King. THE KING! She may not have Larry Boy to save her, but she does have the best safety net of all. It hurt when we went through "growing pains" with Hillary. It hurts going through it with this girl. I don't think it will stop. But I can take comfort knowing that He will carry me as I try to nurture her. More than that, He will carry her.
One week....then I'm out of here. I get the joy of watching these teens turn into little girls. I get the joy of seeing Harley's face light up when she meets Cinderella. And Savannah as she goes on Haunted Mansion. My heart is full.....and also giddy! :D
See you on the flip side!
Last night, I REALLY wanted to run away and never come back. I would've moved right in with those fairies or lived underground with the pirates. Being a parent is hard. Being the parent of a teen adult is harder. At what point do you let go and keep letting the tether out? When are you supposed to reel them back in? My heart aches when I see the children running headlong into danger. There is no Larry Boy to save them. I want to grab the tether and yank as hard as I can. I want to pull them back in time, to a more innocent age. Don't misunderstand, they haven't done anything super horrible....just enough to cause me to have nightmares.
In this specific situation, the internet plays the part of the villain. And low self esteem the villains evil assistant. When a person, who's age shall remain a mystery, disregards a fathers request, there is a problem. When that same person, who is OLD enough to know better, refers to us as "dumb*donkeys* and informs us that we could learn a thing or two from our teen adult...we have a problem. When said father informs the OLD enough to know better person to back it off, the OLD enough guy says he will but only(and I quote)"..because I don't want her to suffer your abuse". WHAT?
I am reminded that the internet is a catch all. It is good vs evil every day. And predators abound. We have had a run in with one. And my heart hurts because she felt so bad about herself that she was willing to take whatever anyone, including OLD enough to know better guy, would tell her. She feels less than. I remember that. The grasping whatever I could to feel like I was someone. It's scary to realize he was "grooming" her.
I feel like I've failed. Yet, in reality, there isn't much I could do. I've told her she's lovely, told her she's smart, reminded her she's MORE than and that truly she is a princess in her own right. She is daughter of the King. THE KING! She may not have Larry Boy to save her, but she does have the best safety net of all. It hurt when we went through "growing pains" with Hillary. It hurts going through it with this girl. I don't think it will stop. But I can take comfort knowing that He will carry me as I try to nurture her. More than that, He will carry her.
One week....then I'm out of here. I get the joy of watching these teens turn into little girls. I get the joy of seeing Harley's face light up when she meets Cinderella. And Savannah as she goes on Haunted Mansion. My heart is full.....and also giddy! :D
See you on the flip side!
Monday, February 13, 2012
My "To-Do" List
Yesterday, my dog got to do what he was born to do: chase ducks, geese and swans. Yes, I said swans. All these birds were in a pond. In a cemetery. He got off his leash AND collar. Ran away from Emily and her friend. And happily leaped into frigid water to follow his doggie instinct. Emily called us frantically. We arrived to find our almost 2 year old puppy swimming after water fowl to his hearts content. If we weren't so concerned with how on earth we were going to get him out (calling him did NOT work), we would've laughed ourselves silly. Plus, we were worried the 5-0 might show. I don't think it's ok for dogs to swim in a cemetery pond and chase water fowl...at night especially. At some point (1/2 hour later) he crawled up to the embankment and his "daddy" grabbed his tail and held on tight. After a warm bath he settled down with some contentment, I'm sure dreaming of swans.
Today, I started thinking about what I was born to do. Certainly not to camp. UGH. Most assuredly not to have boys...hahahahaha. (attempt at humor) So what is it?
Recently, I have had a run in with someone I have to "work" with. And it's continuous. I am being bullied. It's a difficult situation. I have no choice, I must work with this person....often. So in this case, I am meant to love her. I don't have to like it, she doesn't have to like it...but I have to do it. We are called to love our brothers and sisters. And she is, a sister. That makes it harder. Harder to endure and tougher to even WANT to love her. I'm trying.
At 17, when I became a mother, I still had plans for my life. I was going to be "someone". As the children continued coming, all that got pushed aside. As a SAHM, while people say it's "noble", there is often a "but" attached. It's like people think SAHMs cease intellectually. And so I started feeling like there must be MORE. I should be doing something ELSE. Never mind that I was in AWANA, teaching Sunday School and "Cooking Mom" for a kindergarten class. Forget that I made dinner every night, did laundry and still went to volleyball games. (yes, Hillary. We went to EVERY game) I still felt like I should be doing MORE. I felt like there was a specific SOMETHING and I was missing it. I imagined my life was one big trip across the ocean and I had missed the boat. I was swimming to catch up.
And then one day, I swam right into an island. God said to me "You're raising my children." Peace settled my heart, His voice lingered in my ear. He was right. I was reminded that they aren't MINE. These daughters. They are HIS! And He wanted ME, didn't graduate, scarlet letter, upside down ME to raise them up. OH MY GOODNESS! I was doing what I was meant to do!
I may not always do it right. There are days when I question His judgement on why He thought I would be a good mother to these girls. I mean they. ARE. AMAZING. And I don't always feel worthy of that amazing-ness. Yet, as I sat in church this past Sunday, I thought about how much different they could be. More like me as a teen, or more like some people who shall remain nameless. There could be many different things they could be trying, doing etc. But they haven't. I pray that my pattern of sin stop with me. And I see God honoring my heart for the girls. No, they don't always make wise choices and just recently I've started praying that when one of them practices deceit, God would cause her pain. (mean, I know) Yet...truly we are blessed. We are honest with our daughters, we laugh with them and we cry. We apologize when we are wrong. And we know that if the worst thing they do is dye their hair or pierce something, we've got it good. Golly, even tattoos are better than some alternatives!
So what I'm meant to do it this: love, laugh, discipline, grow, learn, teach, cry....and so forth. I am blessed to have a fantastic partner on this journey...he helps keep me grounded. Also, I am blessed to have an Author who loves me so much and believed in me even before I was born. These daughters are a gift...I'm glad I never saw it any other way.
I wish I could've taken a picture of Murphy, the wonder dog. Funnier still was Matty running around the inside of the fence trying to catch the slippery fellow....but don't tell him I said that.....
Today, I started thinking about what I was born to do. Certainly not to camp. UGH. Most assuredly not to have boys...hahahahaha. (attempt at humor) So what is it?
Recently, I have had a run in with someone I have to "work" with. And it's continuous. I am being bullied. It's a difficult situation. I have no choice, I must work with this person....often. So in this case, I am meant to love her. I don't have to like it, she doesn't have to like it...but I have to do it. We are called to love our brothers and sisters. And she is, a sister. That makes it harder. Harder to endure and tougher to even WANT to love her. I'm trying.
At 17, when I became a mother, I still had plans for my life. I was going to be "someone". As the children continued coming, all that got pushed aside. As a SAHM, while people say it's "noble", there is often a "but" attached. It's like people think SAHMs cease intellectually. And so I started feeling like there must be MORE. I should be doing something ELSE. Never mind that I was in AWANA, teaching Sunday School and "Cooking Mom" for a kindergarten class. Forget that I made dinner every night, did laundry and still went to volleyball games. (yes, Hillary. We went to EVERY game) I still felt like I should be doing MORE. I felt like there was a specific SOMETHING and I was missing it. I imagined my life was one big trip across the ocean and I had missed the boat. I was swimming to catch up.
And then one day, I swam right into an island. God said to me "You're raising my children." Peace settled my heart, His voice lingered in my ear. He was right. I was reminded that they aren't MINE. These daughters. They are HIS! And He wanted ME, didn't graduate, scarlet letter, upside down ME to raise them up. OH MY GOODNESS! I was doing what I was meant to do!
I may not always do it right. There are days when I question His judgement on why He thought I would be a good mother to these girls. I mean they. ARE. AMAZING. And I don't always feel worthy of that amazing-ness. Yet, as I sat in church this past Sunday, I thought about how much different they could be. More like me as a teen, or more like some people who shall remain nameless. There could be many different things they could be trying, doing etc. But they haven't. I pray that my pattern of sin stop with me. And I see God honoring my heart for the girls. No, they don't always make wise choices and just recently I've started praying that when one of them practices deceit, God would cause her pain. (mean, I know) Yet...truly we are blessed. We are honest with our daughters, we laugh with them and we cry. We apologize when we are wrong. And we know that if the worst thing they do is dye their hair or pierce something, we've got it good. Golly, even tattoos are better than some alternatives!
So what I'm meant to do it this: love, laugh, discipline, grow, learn, teach, cry....and so forth. I am blessed to have a fantastic partner on this journey...he helps keep me grounded. Also, I am blessed to have an Author who loves me so much and believed in me even before I was born. These daughters are a gift...I'm glad I never saw it any other way.
I wish I could've taken a picture of Murphy, the wonder dog. Funnier still was Matty running around the inside of the fence trying to catch the slippery fellow....but don't tell him I said that.....
Sunday, January 29, 2012
My Olden days
Tonight, the Little Bit said a typewriter was from "the olden days". And just the other day, one of the girls said 80's music was "oldies". I was APPALLED! I used to use a typewriter and it's no secret that I LOVE Duran Duran. ( :p to my friend...you know who you are!) This whole conversation got me thinking about my parents. My mom is a bit kooky. A bit of an odd duck. I swore when I was younger, before I had children, that she would never be allowed to speak to my kids. The darndest things come out of that woman's mouth. Once, she asked me if anyone thought I was ugly. I didn't quite know how to answer that one.
I realize that my experience growing up was one a bit different than others. Once you get past all the stuff they wouldn't want me to say (which I am not saying), you get to the part where we were poor. All my clothes came from Goodwill...before it was in style to buy clothing at thrift stores. And when I did get "in style" clothing, they weren't even the right style! (stirrup pants, mom) That made it harder in high school. But I plugged along. Pegged my jeans, cut my sweatshirts and wore skin tight, super short skirts. Anyone who grew up in the 80's knows EXACTLY the style I'm talking about. AND...I rocked my L.A. Gears. With slouch socks.
We owned a pizza place. My dad hunted for our food. Found it on our table once when I got home from school....splayed open and being cut up. Blech! No telephone until I was 13! Can you imagine?! And then it was a PARTY LINE! We lived off well water....and it collected bugs. We had a chicken that rode in our car and my alarm clock was a giant collie named Lazer. I had to chop firewood....and bring it in. (yuck) I went to elementary school where there were 2 grades per room. 8 kids in my 6th grade class. I swore I would never, EVER, live in a town that tiny. Everyone knew everything about everyone before it happened.
We moved around alot until I was 11. Our home base had always been the little house on Cedar Creek Road. It's still there. My dad shoveled stairs out of dirt for me to climb up an embankment. Our dog Sheba is buried there. And more than half the people who lived on that road still live there. Once we had a dog named Toss-Up. My dad had to shoot her because she was chasing down sheep. Shot her right in the head. Buried her. 2 days later she came trotting back to the house. Never went near my dad. Didn't have any odd issues either. If you don't believe me, ask my parents. It's all true.
We had some bad times....arguments, fighting, not enough food. Only wood heat, no carpet. Yet, I do remember all the good times. My mom once wrapped all our Christmas gifts and put them into giant boxes. When we opened the giant box, all these presents were in them. I felt like I had hit the mother lode. Found out, years later, that she did that so we wouldn't realize how little we'd actually gotten. I remember food fights in the house, the water fights that followed. Sleepovers. Making dinner for my parents. Babysitting my sister. (eesh) Our giant picture windows. And all the trees. And the rain....I do miss the rain. It was hard, growing up that way. People scoff, but I hated it. I miss our pizza (yummier than the best pizza you can think of), but I don't miss that kind of living. So when my kiddos talk about the "olden days", my mind goes back to Cottage Grove. Some good, some bad. And I wonder....what will their "olden days" be? Where will their minds go? I hope to our little house, always brimming with teenagers. I hope they will remember Christmas mornings like this years, when they realized that most of my presents were in a Wal-Mart bag under Emily's bed....or last years with the great Nyquil debacle. I hope they remember when "spiders came to play" and how I decorated the house with them...so many pictures! I'm sure they won't all be great memories...but I'm trying my best.
FYI: I do NOT eat game meat of any kind. After growing up on it....well, I just can't. I do, however, listen to Duran Duran whenever I can. Just remember, God is good all the time, and ALL THE TIME GOD IS GOOD!
I realize that my experience growing up was one a bit different than others. Once you get past all the stuff they wouldn't want me to say (which I am not saying), you get to the part where we were poor. All my clothes came from Goodwill...before it was in style to buy clothing at thrift stores. And when I did get "in style" clothing, they weren't even the right style! (stirrup pants, mom) That made it harder in high school. But I plugged along. Pegged my jeans, cut my sweatshirts and wore skin tight, super short skirts. Anyone who grew up in the 80's knows EXACTLY the style I'm talking about. AND...I rocked my L.A. Gears. With slouch socks.
We owned a pizza place. My dad hunted for our food. Found it on our table once when I got home from school....splayed open and being cut up. Blech! No telephone until I was 13! Can you imagine?! And then it was a PARTY LINE! We lived off well water....and it collected bugs. We had a chicken that rode in our car and my alarm clock was a giant collie named Lazer. I had to chop firewood....and bring it in. (yuck) I went to elementary school where there were 2 grades per room. 8 kids in my 6th grade class. I swore I would never, EVER, live in a town that tiny. Everyone knew everything about everyone before it happened.
We moved around alot until I was 11. Our home base had always been the little house on Cedar Creek Road. It's still there. My dad shoveled stairs out of dirt for me to climb up an embankment. Our dog Sheba is buried there. And more than half the people who lived on that road still live there. Once we had a dog named Toss-Up. My dad had to shoot her because she was chasing down sheep. Shot her right in the head. Buried her. 2 days later she came trotting back to the house. Never went near my dad. Didn't have any odd issues either. If you don't believe me, ask my parents. It's all true.
We had some bad times....arguments, fighting, not enough food. Only wood heat, no carpet. Yet, I do remember all the good times. My mom once wrapped all our Christmas gifts and put them into giant boxes. When we opened the giant box, all these presents were in them. I felt like I had hit the mother lode. Found out, years later, that she did that so we wouldn't realize how little we'd actually gotten. I remember food fights in the house, the water fights that followed. Sleepovers. Making dinner for my parents. Babysitting my sister. (eesh) Our giant picture windows. And all the trees. And the rain....I do miss the rain. It was hard, growing up that way. People scoff, but I hated it. I miss our pizza (yummier than the best pizza you can think of), but I don't miss that kind of living. So when my kiddos talk about the "olden days", my mind goes back to Cottage Grove. Some good, some bad. And I wonder....what will their "olden days" be? Where will their minds go? I hope to our little house, always brimming with teenagers. I hope they will remember Christmas mornings like this years, when they realized that most of my presents were in a Wal-Mart bag under Emily's bed....or last years with the great Nyquil debacle. I hope they remember when "spiders came to play" and how I decorated the house with them...so many pictures! I'm sure they won't all be great memories...but I'm trying my best.
FYI: I do NOT eat game meat of any kind. After growing up on it....well, I just can't. I do, however, listen to Duran Duran whenever I can. Just remember, God is good all the time, and ALL THE TIME GOD IS GOOD!
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