Accountable

That is such a convicting word. Guilt inducing, even. As believers, we're supposed to not only be accountable to others, we're supposed to hold others accountable.

A friend of mine once told me that guilt and conviction are two different things. She was very right. Guilt can be swept away, under a mountain of sin. It can be induced by a friend's well meaning word or the way you look at another man. Conviction comes straight from God. There is no hiding, there is no pretending. In conviction, there is accountability.

When did we stop holding each other (fellow believers) accountable? When did we start looking the other way, allowing others' sin to be ignored? When did we fall into the "If it feels good" trap??

Trust me, I'm no better. I sin on a daily basis. I don't sit behind this keyboard in judgement. However....I've noticed an upswing in "tolerance" of other people's sins. I mean, really, who are they hurting by doing what they're doing? God will get a hold of them, right? Well, yeah. He will. Does that mean He wants us to sit by and watch while they make choices which separate them from Him? We say things like "Sin is sin, we shouldn't judge." But wait! That is where we're messing up.

Judgement is VERY different from holding someone accountable. Holding someone accountable is talking to a fellow believer and calling them out on what they're doing. Notice I didn't say fellow man. Here's the thing....believers have a different accountability. We are accountable to God. If you don't know Him, you don't know what I mean. That's just truth. If you do know Him, you get it...and even now you might be feeling accountable.

We live in a world that teaches our children to take what they want. To have sex if it feels right, to be attracted to people; not gender, to change their own gender because they 'feel' like they were born wrong. We live in a world that teaches our daughters to stand for what they want, our sons that the only woman worth having is the "perfect" one. We live in a world that says there are many different gods....different ways to heaven, hell or wherever. We live in a world that isn't accountable.

In my own world, there is only one God. He is the way, the truth and the light. He is the only way to heaven. In my world, gender is a gift; His marvelous creation and sex is a gift for marriage. In my world, our daughters are taught to be their husband's helpmeet. In my world, I sin. Daily. I am forgiven, hourly.

My heart has been so heavy lately. Our own daughters have made decisions that I've mourned over; those I love have made decisions I mourn over now. My heart is not to hurt nor bring guilt. My heart is to hold accountable. We really should remember that His word is the same today as yesterday and still hold truth. We need to remember that He died so we could live; that doesn't give us a free pass to sin as much as we want....it gives us a way out of the sins that we let hold us down. The pits we dig are often deep; so glad His arms are strong.


The only way through this world is with Him.

The How

I'm not even sure. How does one really get over things that happen? How does a bible believing woman slip up so often and forget that she's already forgiven the very thing that she's complaining about?? How?!

What a word! I get asked 'how' a lot in my daily life. The girls ask me how to do something, my husband asks me how to word something. The How is very important. Yet....I can't seem to get it myself.

I find myself struggling with all the 'hows'. Yes, I've forgiven Matty. Yet....I guess I haven't. I thought I did. But then the 'hows' came up in conversation. As in "How could you (Matty) say....or do.....". And I sit in my unhappy square, struggling with the 'how'.

Funny thing is, I already know HOW. God. He's the 'how'. All through scripture, He is VERY clear. TRUST HIM. We do NOT have to lean upon our own understanding. We don't have to actually answer the HOWs that come up. He is ready and willing to carry all the burdens associated with that tiny, 3 letter word.

Well.

I always amaze myself. I am always amazed at how (HAH!) easily I want to sling those burdens up onto my back. Um, Erin, WHY? Good Golly! I don't even know. Apparently, somewhere down the line, I have decided to believe that I am not important enough for the Almighty to bother with. I have decided that I can do it myself. That's when I get stuck worrying about all the HOWs. He watches and waits; always more than willing to carry them for me. Joyful and sobering all at once.

Tonight, we had a HOW conversation. Those are never pretty. They usually entail me talking a lot, with him nodding and looking a bit glazed. Not sure it's effective. Coming off the heels of this conversation, our Little Bit got sick. That just felt like the icing on a very terrible cake. And I'm sitting here, wondering HOW I'm ever going to survive.

I'll tell you. Grace. It's new every day. His love abounds; knows no limits. There is no HOW to God. He keeps every promise, bottles every tear. I may ask Him HOW...I may even doubt. He will just love me. His arms open wide; His mercy continual.

I don't know HOW other than Him.

He is the reason my marriage is surviving, even with the HOW conversations. He is the reason our girls are growing well and we have food. I don't actually have to know HOW, I just have to trust.

What HOW are you struggling with? There isn't anything He isn't working on. Nothing He isn't seeing. He knows your heart, my heart. He knows HOW. Let Him love you through it!

Mother's Day

Mother's Day is right around the corner. Until about 7 years or so ago, I celebrated with the rest of the world. Celebrated my mom, was celebrated by my girls. Then, suddenly, I was hit by sorrow. Not mine. Others.

I had friends who wanted to be mothers...they couldn't. I knew women who longed to carry a baby, their body denying them that joy. I knew single women who longed to get married and have a family. I knew someone once who told me she would trade all her monetary riches just to have what I had; all these girls and not a lot of money. My heart ached for them.

In some forums they do this thing where all the moms stand up and get recognized. I feel hearts breaking, little pieces falling like shards of glass. What is worthy to be celebrated is suddenly heart wrenching to others. I don't believe there is ever malice; just sadness.

About 4 years ago, we had a school chat with a couple of teachers from the school our girls went to. One of those was an older never been married woman. She made reference to not understanding what it was like to be a parent, her words wistful. As we all talked about the one specific daughter, it dawned on me that even though this woman was single with no children, she was still helping to raise our girls. Now don't misunderstand....I mean she had influence over them. She was responsible for them in her class and even helped to shape some of their thought process. Overcome with gratitude, I let her know that even though she wasn't a 'mother', she was still very important; her love for students evident. Her eyes filled with tears as she thanked me.

I realized then that there are so many women in our daughters lives that deserve credit. I've tried to live that since. We (Matty and I) are their full time parents. They are out in this world, whether at youth group, school or mission trips and they interact with women. Women who love me, who love them. Women who influence them, listen to them and respect them. I am honored.

I'm not saying we shouldn't celebrate....I have carried 7 babies, given birth to 6 and raised almost all of them to pretty good adults. They are all alive, self-sufficient and loving the Lord. That is worthy of partying about! I am saying that maybe, this Mother's Day, celebrate the influential women in your life. Remember those who love your kiddos; those that look longingly upon your worn out body with envy. They celebrate you....I know this. I try to remember them, whatever their story.

God is so gracious...I am so very glad that my worthiness to Him isn't based on how many children I have or how successful they are. I am so glad to know that I am valued to Him on my own.

Celebrate well, friends.


Happy Mother's Day...to my mom, to my daughter and to all the women who have influenced our daughter's worlds. You are precious to me.

A Little Piece of My Mommy Heart

Remember that time we had 6 daughters? Remember how we used to do lots of things together? Remember when THEY ALL GREW UP???

Yeah, me too. Talking with one of them tonight, I realized that her compass was off. As a family, we are very close. As sisters, some of them are closer than others. 2 of them in particular.

Since that tall girl left to live with her husband (how dare she??!), C has been a little lost. K was her support system, her closest friend. K, of course, gets the benefit of someone else. C has been wandering a bit. All around her, friendships are dropping. People she's known for years are suddenly no longer around. Her heart is heavy. I encourage her to get involved, meet new people. She wants to....doesn't quite know how.

I never really had the joy of a close girl relationship. When I was 18 I met my very first real friend. We are still friends to this day; she helped me escape from my first husband. I didn't meet another woman I was close with until about 10 years ago. We're still friends...don't see her as much as I would like, but I know she loves me. I'm slowly developing more girl relationships; I've got some pretty great ones and growing new ones all the time!

It's difficult,though, to try to tell your child that sometimes it's a slow process. I can explain my theory of seasonal friendships. It doesn't take away her hurt. I really want to take away her hurt.

We all knew these days would come. The days when the household got smaller and a lot quieter. We knew it would get less busy. We knew the teens we claimed as our own would someday find lives. Just because we knew doesn't mean it's easy. I've felt the sting, the break in my heart is healing. I miss them...not just the ones God blessed us to raise; the ones He put in our path to love. From my mother point of view, I forget there are others hurting. Mainly our girl.

I know He has a plan for her life. I know that the friendships that have changed may not stay that way, I know that He may be protecting her from some things and I know that in His timing He will provide joyous relationship for her! I know she misses her sister; that may never change. Her sister misses her.

This girl...she's amazing. She's a bit upside down and backwards. However, she is His. Her heart is covered. I don't doubt that she will grow past this; her life will unfold according to His will. He is for her. As He is for all of them. He created them, He knows them...He loves them.



Chin up, girl whose name they never have. You are His dead girl.

The Lie

We are surrounded by lies. Billboards, television, books....they all lie and tell us how we should look, how we should talk and how we should support the "issues". The problem is that we BELIEVE these lies. We allow them to permeate our lives, fall prey to the ones that seem innocent. Those are the most harmful; the ones that look right.

As our marriage is healing, the enemy is trying to undo the restoration that the Lord has given. We have to be careful not to fall into the snares he sets. The Bible says that he is allowed to roam and rule this earth...this is his domain. His goal is to steal, kill and destroy. He works overtime in his deceit, finds joy in the sorrows.

We've gone through a challenging year. As we've navigated, I've cried out. I've believed the lies of the evil one; I've allowed his untruth to seep into my spirit. I've allowed the sadness to overtake. In short, I've allowed him small victories.

Guess what! No More! I have been reminded of His grace. I am surrounded by His love, pillowed by His spirit.

Our marriage isn't without struggle. Now, though, we turn to Him first. We argue in love and seek to soothe injured hearts and feelings. The enemy's lies have no hold. Sometimes they creep in and try to take over and sometimes I have to pray very hard to get them away.....but He always takes them, doesn't allow them.

One thing I've struggled with is the feeling of not being good enough. Here's some news for you: I. Don't. Have. To. Be. He is more than enough and wants to be always enough for me. There isn't ANYTHING I can do to make Him love me more, nothing I HAVE to do. My relationship (and salvation) are only based on the fact that I am an acknowledged sinner and that I believe in Him. He paid for me on the cross....as He hung there dying, my sin was upon Him. And He took it. If I was the only one, He would've taken it. I'm not. He did it for you, too.

There isn't ceremony in knowing Him. The enemy would have us believe it's complicated and based on a series of must do things. The truth is, it's simple.

With Him, all can be restored. The worst lie of all in our marriage was believing that we could fix it ourselves. Without our relationship with Christ being center, we had no hope. Now we are full of it.


Don't believe the enemy. He makes everything look pretty. Don't be fooled; underneath the beauty is a sorrow unimaginable. The biggest lie of all is that there is no enemy. He exists and he walks this earth.

Sunday is Easter. If you don't know Him, I encourage you to ask questions. Get to know Him in truth. You are loved, friend, and worth more than the enemy tells you. God is good all the time, and all the time God is good.

The One That Wasn't

I spent last weekend at a marriage conference. Those of you that follow along know that things have been very tumultuous for Matty and I over the last year.

Last week, before the conference had even gotten here, I told him I wouldn't go with him. Part of our issue is trust and I was really struggling to trust him, to believe his words and even more to believe his actions. I told him I couldn't put myself out there for all the world to see if everything was going to be the same behind our closed doors. He told me that he hoped I'd go with him; either way he was going. That surprised me. He would go?? By HIMSELF?? To me, that spoke volumes more than any word he had said lately. My guarded heart was released a little...I believed him. It was a wonderful time of healing. So this post may seem a little out of left field, but here I go.

You know how you hear people talk about "The One"? We're taught that in movies, books and even by our parents. Adam had the "one". Of course, God did create her...there weren't any options, lucky boy that Adam. Now, options abound. We're taught to do what feels right, with whomever it feels right with. That is a lie.

I had so many options when I was younger and each one I tried to fit into the "One" box. When I was 14, my 20 year old boyfriend loved me. He was wealthy, drove a fast car and devoted himself to me. We were going to get married some day. He wasn't enough. So, I picked up a young man in high school. Yes, at the same time. I had no compass. I had been raised in church, knew the Lord....was just very motivated to be loved. I wasn't yet aware of His love for me, and how deep it really went....He is truly the One. But that's later.

Neither one of them fit into the "One" box. Like Goldilocks, I tried to fit one man after another into that box. My first husband, as you know, was very abusive. My second husband was someone I never should have married or divorced. Which brings us to Matty.

He fit very nicely into the "One" box. I just had to get my second husband out of it. So I did. I make no excuses or reasons other than I CHOSE to live with the pigs. After I quit wallowing in the mud, God so very lovingly and graciously lifted me out and blessed me with a bundle of joy. Matty became a believer and then we had a 'bonus'. (our Little Bit) We cruised along for 10 years, until WHAM....we hit a very big wall with very large obstacles on it. And here we are....broken and put back together. God is so good!

Matty wasn't "The One". Take that in.

I'm not even sure the others were. The only One that can fit into that box is actually too big to do so. His love is so vast, His grace so spectacular. I'm not sure if it's because I do have such a redemption story or what....but man!....What a mighty God!! I have seen His grace first hand, felt His touch and sorrowed when I broke His heart. I recognize His love, recognize where things could've been so very different.

Sometimes, I get so busy and I don't talk with Him. I figure I'll do it later. Time gets away and before you know it, my soul is unhappy. With the other human relationships I had, I would try to fill that void. With God, I just talk. I yell, I whisper, I don't say anything but I do cry. He hears it all, sees me down to my core. He is the One.

My love story with Matty could only be written by One as strong and amazing as Him. He took every sorry thing I have ever done and forgave me. He saw every choice before I made it, let me do it and let me fail. He bottled every tear, heard every break in my heart and spirit. He watched as Matty said those terrible things, watched as I built a very big wall against the man I had chosen to love. He surrounded us with peace that surpasses understanding.

Oh. My. Heart.

I want to cry for His goodness. I went to the conference. It was marriage changing. Life changing. There were other couples there who were struggling along side of us. Couples who had even more of a struggle ahead. Someone said there was immense sorrow among the couples, hearts were heavy. I was so glad we had been through what we had been through. So glad that I could go into this conference looking to the future with Matty instead of wondering how it would all work out. So glad we had so much time before this to work through things. It truly was a time of restoration, healing and commitment. I forgave him, friends. My heart is light. Fear sometimes tries to creep in, but I'm trying to not let it. I can only do that with the One.

So many were not "The One". Often we look so hard at the One That Wasn't, we forget that the God of the universe is!

My wish for you is that you know Him the way I do. You don't have to work for His love, He just gives it. He is just the One.

Sometimes, It's Grey

DISCLAIMER:This contains sensitive opinion about SEX

There is a movie coming out. One that has sparked so much controversy, so much sorrow....so much lust and has given the very wrong impression of love. You all know what I'm talking about. That Grey movie. The book/movie stays far from what God intended sex to be....a gift for marriage. I believe it glorifies a sexual appetite that has no confines, no boundaries and no love.

To begin, I have NOT (repeat NOT) read the book. Also, I will NOT be going to see the movie. I will, however, be addressing something I have read in response to the movie.

This movie has ignited all sorts of response. Born again believers have spoken out harshly, the not so much believing shrug it off and others (believing and non) will go see it, pretending they wouldn't dare. I've read article upon article, blog upon blog. I read one that was a letter to a daughter. So much of it was on point....some I didn't agree with. One point had to do with behavior in sex and how some things don't "fit" inside marital sex. That is what I don't agree with. Read on to find out why.

Where I'm going to land:God created sex as a gift for a married couple. Outside the obvious NO WAY stuff, (pornography, other people) inside marriage, there should be agreement (boundaries), there should be joy and FUN. It should be FULL of love. My personal belief is that if the husband and wife are in agreement, anything goes. What that anything is is OUR business...your anything is YOUR business. No one can tell you what is right, what is wrong and how to love on your spouse. God intended my marriage bed to be my own. He set some very firm rules for intimacy , very easily obeyed laws. I believe that as long as you are obeying those rules, ANYTHING goes. God intended intimacy to be enjoyed by a husband and wife and that there is freedom in that. This movie/book and it's heroine and hero (terms used loosely) are solidifying the worlds idea that sex is anyone's for the taking, without love....without marriage.

Where the book/movie goes wrong is belittling what God's gift is. It has created a false sense of pleasure, a facade that sex without marriage is No Big Deal. That intimacy can contain abuse and be pleasurable. I don't agree that abuse is alright, pretty sure that takes away the gift part. This movie/book has created a frenzy in women. It's been termed "mommy porn". It is creating the idea that women want to be used as toys, that innocence isn't worth keeping. It's creating a hero out of man that is just a broken and stuck little boy. It has taken what should be a married couples gift and turned it into nothing.


We have always been open and honest with our girls about sex. We have tried desperately to remind them of their value and worth to God, remind them that they are His beloved. We have tried to answer questions openly and relay our own experiences and the sorrows we've had. We've always taught them the difference between the physical experiences and the emotional ones. To just say "Because God says so" doesn't always cut it. We've learned to elaborate, learned to speak from the heart. We've prayed over them, we've prayed about what to tell them. We've done our best to honor Him when we teach. What we've taught our girls:Sex outside marriage is physically the same as inside marriage. The physical sensation is the same, the hormones flow. The difference??.....outside marriage comes with sorrow and shame. Self esteem takes a hit, there is always the option of just walking away and no matter how it may FEEL like love, it isn't. Outside marriage, sex is not freeing. It keeps your heart in shambles and your emotions used up. Inside marriage there should be no condemnation, no sorrow and no shame. I do know that sometimes, even in marriage, there is sorrow. I know that for some, it's a shameful thing...their love doesn't treat them as such. My heart sorrows for them. That is not how God intended.

I think I could go on and on with this. So many see sex as shameful. Even those that are married. My goal with this is to remind you all that it IS a gift. How you unwrap it is yours to decide.

It's not black and white....sometimes, it's a bit gray. (HA...see what I did there???!)

Ps....if you ever want to know how I REALLY feel, ask to see the sign above my bed. ;)


An alternative to that movie:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sMpEY67fqoQ

I do not own the rights to this video or the movie itself, or anyone in the trailer.