I have returned. Sans a tall girl. My heart is sad yet overjoyed to see my other girls. And so very glad that life has slowed down. I wonder if it'll stay that way......
I cried. A lot. I'm still prone to bouts of tears. Not as much.
I learned some things on this journey.....
Here's ten of them:
1) I'm stronger than I think. I can drive numerous miles, drop my flesh and blood off and leave her. It wasn't easy, there were lots of tears. However, I am home and she is at her new home.
2) Bravery is something I'm capable of. I drove a LONG way, folks. It was quite an adventure...I had great adventure buddies. (buddY on the way home) C played a hippie's djembe at a truck stop. QUITE the adventurer, that one!
3) Just because Colorado has "Bear Crossing" signs (with pictures of the bears on them) doesn't mean you'll actually see a bear. Bummer.
4) Buffalo Bill is buried in Colorado.
5)Cockroaches are creepy. They scurry in the dark....when you least expect them. Eeesh!
6)Birds like my car. Really. We had at least 4 dive bomb it...2 were successful. Pretty sure they died.
7) Bugs. Windshield. Ewwwww!
8) The tall girl can cook! And it's yummy!
9) God loves me. We saw so many wonderous things....I am in awe of His love.Plus we saw hippies dancing at the rock arch. They had an "alien" van.
10)You'd like to think everything will be easier tomorrow....it isn't.
We were assaulted when we walked in. Her stuff was everywhere. You'd think it had all been packed and was being unpacked at her new home. Nope. That would be too easy. And so I learned that small things can bring tears in grown women. (not me, for the record) Sweatshirts, posters, perfume bottles...all hold tear inciting power when your best friend has left them behind.
It will take time. She'll settle, we'll settle. It's not like we're never going to see her again. It's just that this feels so permanent. And even though I had company...I had to do this on my own. Again. I've had some very emotional things that I've done with out my emotional cheerleader next to me. (Matty, in case you're curious) I'm worn.
I wouldn't take a moment back. I've had some very sweet moments with these very sweet girls. And with our son in law. He definitely isn't used to our brand of crazy and drama sends him to a happy place somewhere in his mind, but I love him. He'll get used to it. These moments are treasures. The wedding, reception, New Mexico journey....those are full of moments to be treasured and cherished. I learned I need to cherish.
We're good. Life will continue forward. I don't want to miss any moments....so I am grabbing what comes and enjoying it.
One more things I learned:
New Mexico is better than dead.....
"If ever there is tomorrow when we're not together, there is something you must always remember. You are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think. But the most important thing is, even if we're apart, I'll always be with you."
Christopher Robin, Pooh's Grand Adventure
Tuesday, July 1, 2014
Saturday, June 28, 2014
My Oh My!
We left home a week ago to drive K to her new home. Our rig was loaded heavy with furniture,boxes and odds and ends. Her mattress was bagged up and tied down to the top of the car. We were definitely a sight to see, but really who cared?? We were on a mission.
Well. Let me tell you what....those mattress bags do not hold up. We made a pit stop to wrap the mattress with some industrial strength saran wrap type stuff. It went through the car, folks. Every time we stopped, we wrapped. It was CRAZY!
The faster we went the more air the mattress got. We joked that it would take flight like Aladdin's magic carpet. It never did...had a few close calls though. On the second day of travel we got a little smarter. We bought duct tape, tore the wrapping off, rewrapped and duct taped. Nothing went through the car this time. It was much better. It just took us a bit to figure out the correct science. We were still a sight to see, we still didn't care.
We wasted so much time figuring out the exact way to make it work. Sometimes, being a parent is like that. We worry about the wrong things, waste time on the wrong situations and forget to enjoy the little moments. By the time we've got it absolutely (we think) perfect, we've missed so many minutes.
Our journey last week was filled with amazing moments. A rainbows beginning and end, a fire we just missed being in. Lightning that painted the sky, awe inspiring situations written by God's hand.
Our journey last week was filled with sorrow. Every mile we crossed the realization that this was happening hit home. We had tears and laughter, anger and fellowship. She sobbed at the absolute that this move was. Her heart had 7 holes in it, she said. My mommy heart sorrowed. For who, I wondered, would watch scary movies with me? Who would I be able to talk make-up with, slip "Buffy" references into conversation with and who would "Ta-Da" herself coming down the stairs??
My,Oh My.
I feel like I didn't have enough moments. I KNOW I wasted some being angry. I'm not talking about just last week, I'm talking about the entire time I've been a mother. I have let moments slip away, let them disappear because I was too stubborn.
Each daughter is unique. My story with them is their own. I enjoy very different things with these very different daughters. Please don't misunderstand and assume that one can fill the role of the other.
She is mourning. Mourning the loss of her life at home. Her home is empty, she says, her house is quiet. At any given moment, she breaks down....sobbing as though she can't go forward. Her sweet husband is patient....confused, but patient. It's been hard to watch. I wanted to leave right after I got here....selfishly. I wanted to just run away, home to my husbands arms and try to slip into a new normal. At the same time, I don't want to go anywhere. I don't know how other people do it. I feel so small. Others send their children to foreign countries to be missionaries or off to far away colleges. They seem to be so much stronger...what is wrong with me, then?
Nothing. My story is different.
I have treasured memories from our journey...I have regrets of things not done, not said. I know when I get home, it'll all be good. I know God's plan for her life is unfolding the way He wants it to. I know that this is good and right. I know all these things.....my heart still sorrows. Her sorrow is palatable....I think that is the hardest for me. Because I know that no matter what, I CAN'T FIX IT. Her sorrow comes from missing 7 people. Her sorrow comes from not having the chaos that was her life. Her sorrow comes from knowing that she can't just run down the road to see her mom, dad and siblings. Her sorrow is that there are not dogs to create annoying messes.
Isn't that the way life works? She wouldn't NOT marry him, given the choice with the knowledge of what was around the corner. She wouldn't change that part...she'd just pack us with her. I've spent a lot of time writing about this change. It's been here and there and everywhere, but has now really happened. We're leaving in 2 days. She won't be coming with us.
My...Oh...My.....
Well. Let me tell you what....those mattress bags do not hold up. We made a pit stop to wrap the mattress with some industrial strength saran wrap type stuff. It went through the car, folks. Every time we stopped, we wrapped. It was CRAZY!
The faster we went the more air the mattress got. We joked that it would take flight like Aladdin's magic carpet. It never did...had a few close calls though. On the second day of travel we got a little smarter. We bought duct tape, tore the wrapping off, rewrapped and duct taped. Nothing went through the car this time. It was much better. It just took us a bit to figure out the correct science. We were still a sight to see, we still didn't care.
We wasted so much time figuring out the exact way to make it work. Sometimes, being a parent is like that. We worry about the wrong things, waste time on the wrong situations and forget to enjoy the little moments. By the time we've got it absolutely (we think) perfect, we've missed so many minutes.
Our journey last week was filled with amazing moments. A rainbows beginning and end, a fire we just missed being in. Lightning that painted the sky, awe inspiring situations written by God's hand.
Our journey last week was filled with sorrow. Every mile we crossed the realization that this was happening hit home. We had tears and laughter, anger and fellowship. She sobbed at the absolute that this move was. Her heart had 7 holes in it, she said. My mommy heart sorrowed. For who, I wondered, would watch scary movies with me? Who would I be able to talk make-up with, slip "Buffy" references into conversation with and who would "Ta-Da" herself coming down the stairs??
My,Oh My.
I feel like I didn't have enough moments. I KNOW I wasted some being angry. I'm not talking about just last week, I'm talking about the entire time I've been a mother. I have let moments slip away, let them disappear because I was too stubborn.
Each daughter is unique. My story with them is their own. I enjoy very different things with these very different daughters. Please don't misunderstand and assume that one can fill the role of the other.
She is mourning. Mourning the loss of her life at home. Her home is empty, she says, her house is quiet. At any given moment, she breaks down....sobbing as though she can't go forward. Her sweet husband is patient....confused, but patient. It's been hard to watch. I wanted to leave right after I got here....selfishly. I wanted to just run away, home to my husbands arms and try to slip into a new normal. At the same time, I don't want to go anywhere. I don't know how other people do it. I feel so small. Others send their children to foreign countries to be missionaries or off to far away colleges. They seem to be so much stronger...what is wrong with me, then?
Nothing. My story is different.
I have treasured memories from our journey...I have regrets of things not done, not said. I know when I get home, it'll all be good. I know God's plan for her life is unfolding the way He wants it to. I know that this is good and right. I know all these things.....my heart still sorrows. Her sorrow is palatable....I think that is the hardest for me. Because I know that no matter what, I CAN'T FIX IT. Her sorrow comes from missing 7 people. Her sorrow comes from not having the chaos that was her life. Her sorrow comes from knowing that she can't just run down the road to see her mom, dad and siblings. Her sorrow is that there are not dogs to create annoying messes.
Isn't that the way life works? She wouldn't NOT marry him, given the choice with the knowledge of what was around the corner. She wouldn't change that part...she'd just pack us with her. I've spent a lot of time writing about this change. It's been here and there and everywhere, but has now really happened. We're leaving in 2 days. She won't be coming with us.
My...Oh...My.....
Sunday, June 15, 2014
What Time is it, Mr. Fox?
It's Father's Day. The tall girl came to me this morning, tears in her eyes, and said something about this being the last Father's Day at home....with her daddy. In all my worrisome ways, I've forgotten that there is someone else who is struggling. Not her....him.
She was 3 when he became her daddy. I told him when we met I had 4 daughters, he could have 2 (children). He never looked back for the escape door. Instead, he rooted himself into them. I guess I forgot because I carried her under my heart and it doesn't get much more emotional than that. But he CHOSE them.
She said once that she realized that her biological was just that. And she recognized that her daddy didn't love her because he HAD to, he chose to. He has been their daddy for so long that it doesn't seem real to me that their blood isn't the same. Funny, though, all girls got my blood type....so I guess their blood IS the same after all.
I am blessed. God took my very complicated, muddy and messy situation (that I slithered into) and showed me His grace. Matty didn't have to love these daughters, didn't have to root them so deeply in his heart. But, he did. We've heard a lot of "You're such a good man to take in all those girls." and "You're so wonderful to provide for children that aren't yours.". He looks at them like they're crazy people. Um, hello...they ARE his. There is no different treatment, no setting apart. He loves each one as though he was there from their births. (Except for walking S...ask him about that, it's funny)
I remember him and the tall girl playing "Mr.Fox" while we waited for her bus. In her sweet little voice, she'd ask what time it was....he'd answer and she'd hop towards him...blonde hair floating around her elfin face. I treasure those moments in my mommy heart. It won't be too long before she'll have a sweet aqua eyed child to play "Mr.Fox" with and she'll remember those moments too.
He's held me as I've broken down, been my strength. I've forgotten that he's not as strong with this. I've taken and not given. He needs to 'mourn' too. I need to let him.
I believe that every child is created by the one true God. I believe that before time began, He knew these daughters. Knew me, knew Matty. I believe He knew the choices I would make, knew the sorrow I would cause. And yet...He gave me grace. Undeserved favor. He knit us together, by heart, even after I decided to live in the pit. He intertwined our lives, allowed us joy and blessed me with someone who would love these daughters unconditionally.
There is nothing He doesn't see. Nothing that gets by Him. Even when I am oblivious. Friday is coming, time is short. Her life will start and ours will continue. We will all re-group and figure out the new normal. I have faith that even when she is away from her daddy's protection, she is in her Father's hands.
I need to remind her daddy that.
Remember, friends, there is one who loves you the most. His grace is sufficient, His word is truth. He is the Father that never sleeps, the Father that always protects. He weeps for us, laughs and delights in us.
Happy Father's Day.
She was 3 when he became her daddy. I told him when we met I had 4 daughters, he could have 2 (children). He never looked back for the escape door. Instead, he rooted himself into them. I guess I forgot because I carried her under my heart and it doesn't get much more emotional than that. But he CHOSE them.
She said once that she realized that her biological was just that. And she recognized that her daddy didn't love her because he HAD to, he chose to. He has been their daddy for so long that it doesn't seem real to me that their blood isn't the same. Funny, though, all girls got my blood type....so I guess their blood IS the same after all.
I am blessed. God took my very complicated, muddy and messy situation (that I slithered into) and showed me His grace. Matty didn't have to love these daughters, didn't have to root them so deeply in his heart. But, he did. We've heard a lot of "You're such a good man to take in all those girls." and "You're so wonderful to provide for children that aren't yours.". He looks at them like they're crazy people. Um, hello...they ARE his. There is no different treatment, no setting apart. He loves each one as though he was there from their births. (Except for walking S...ask him about that, it's funny)
I remember him and the tall girl playing "Mr.Fox" while we waited for her bus. In her sweet little voice, she'd ask what time it was....he'd answer and she'd hop towards him...blonde hair floating around her elfin face. I treasure those moments in my mommy heart. It won't be too long before she'll have a sweet aqua eyed child to play "Mr.Fox" with and she'll remember those moments too.
He's held me as I've broken down, been my strength. I've forgotten that he's not as strong with this. I've taken and not given. He needs to 'mourn' too. I need to let him.
I believe that every child is created by the one true God. I believe that before time began, He knew these daughters. Knew me, knew Matty. I believe He knew the choices I would make, knew the sorrow I would cause. And yet...He gave me grace. Undeserved favor. He knit us together, by heart, even after I decided to live in the pit. He intertwined our lives, allowed us joy and blessed me with someone who would love these daughters unconditionally.
There is nothing He doesn't see. Nothing that gets by Him. Even when I am oblivious. Friday is coming, time is short. Her life will start and ours will continue. We will all re-group and figure out the new normal. I have faith that even when she is away from her daddy's protection, she is in her Father's hands.
I need to remind her daddy that.
Remember, friends, there is one who loves you the most. His grace is sufficient, His word is truth. He is the Father that never sleeps, the Father that always protects. He weeps for us, laughs and delights in us.
Happy Father's Day.
Tuesday, June 3, 2014
The Ebb and Flow
Well...let me tell you! When that tide comes in it washes over me like a ton of bricks. Sometimes it hurts just as much as I think that would.
Recently, I've had to let someone go. I've had to let God take over and just trust that at some point, He'll bring joy regardless of the sorrow. My heart aches so much. The crux is that I have no idea what's happened. And there are no answers forthcoming. That's the ebb and flow.
This specific relationship has been loving, strong and most certainly adventurous. It's been honest and, up until now, open. I love this person...not sure how to love them right now, though. Sigh. I'm not sure how to proceed but, lucky for me, I don't really have to. The proceeding is all His.
I've come to realize that sometimes, God puts people in our lives for small amounts of time. What we think is solid and built on a great foundation is, in reality, just being held in His hand. Doesn't mean His hand isn't solid. It doesn't mean He's dropped me. It just means that His plan is very different from what I thought was set in stone. Huh, that is quite the revelation.....one I need a constant reminder of.
There is someone that has a little more recently entered our lives. God has shown me consistently that I am to love them. Unconditionally. So I do. This person is not one that I would've ever expected to be so prominent in our lives....not one that I would've expected to take so much of my heart. (while I do love my new son in law, this is not him)
I believe that somewhere down the line, the loss of one relationship and the beginning of another have a lot to do with each other....directly connected. The ebb and flow of life continue, and I get swept away. Lost in the current, but never drowning. He makes sure of that.
God is good all the time and all the time God is good. He has seen from the beginning the impact that these separate (but interwoven relationships) would have on me, our family and our hearts. I am not the only one mourning the loss of relationship.....their hearts ache as well. Yet, here we go with the tide. We trust that His plan is perfect. Not built with perfect people in mind, but with us (me) at the center. We are sinners, saved by grace. He is always for us.
If you're reading, please know you're loved. I pray for you daily, wish much joy and adventure for you. I hope the ebb and flow of your life tosses you around enough to remind you that you need Him all the time.
Enjoy the waves, friends.
Recently, I've had to let someone go. I've had to let God take over and just trust that at some point, He'll bring joy regardless of the sorrow. My heart aches so much. The crux is that I have no idea what's happened. And there are no answers forthcoming. That's the ebb and flow.
This specific relationship has been loving, strong and most certainly adventurous. It's been honest and, up until now, open. I love this person...not sure how to love them right now, though. Sigh. I'm not sure how to proceed but, lucky for me, I don't really have to. The proceeding is all His.
I've come to realize that sometimes, God puts people in our lives for small amounts of time. What we think is solid and built on a great foundation is, in reality, just being held in His hand. Doesn't mean His hand isn't solid. It doesn't mean He's dropped me. It just means that His plan is very different from what I thought was set in stone. Huh, that is quite the revelation.....one I need a constant reminder of.
There is someone that has a little more recently entered our lives. God has shown me consistently that I am to love them. Unconditionally. So I do. This person is not one that I would've ever expected to be so prominent in our lives....not one that I would've expected to take so much of my heart. (while I do love my new son in law, this is not him)
I believe that somewhere down the line, the loss of one relationship and the beginning of another have a lot to do with each other....directly connected. The ebb and flow of life continue, and I get swept away. Lost in the current, but never drowning. He makes sure of that.
God is good all the time and all the time God is good. He has seen from the beginning the impact that these separate (but interwoven relationships) would have on me, our family and our hearts. I am not the only one mourning the loss of relationship.....their hearts ache as well. Yet, here we go with the tide. We trust that His plan is perfect. Not built with perfect people in mind, but with us (me) at the center. We are sinners, saved by grace. He is always for us.
If you're reading, please know you're loved. I pray for you daily, wish much joy and adventure for you. I hope the ebb and flow of your life tosses you around enough to remind you that you need Him all the time.
Enjoy the waves, friends.
Sunday, May 18, 2014
Oh My Heart.....
Be still, my heart.
It's almost time. Almost time to take the tall girl to her husband. This month has gone by faster than expected, faster than hoped. I still have not found a way to slow down time...or even stop it altogether. Emotions have started to pick up. She's started to realize that in another month she won't be here, in the crazy chaos that is our life.
We've cried together, I'm sure we'll cry some more. There will be 4 girls here for the summer, come fall only 3 will remain.
Oh. My. Heart.
You would think it'd be easier. I've seen other people do it, seen them move on like it's just an ordinary day. I don't know how they do that. It wasn't an ordinary day when she was born, it won't be an ordinary day when we leave her in her husband's loving arms. The days that follow won't be ordinary. We'll find a new routine, find a new way of doing things.....yet, my heart will miss her. It misses the other girl when she goes back to college. It's not specific to certain children....my heart longs for them always.
I've come to realize within the last few months that we have a very (apparently) unusual dynamic in our household. We're CLOSE. We love each other well. We know we're blessed with this, to us it IS the normal. Absolutely ordinary. We may have a lot of chaos and a lot of crazy, but it's our chaotic crazy.
And, oh my heart, it's changing. I've begun to wonder what I'm going to do without her laugh, without her sense of humor and (dare I say) without her sassy self. I realized that her last birthday was our last birthday with her...for now. Last Christmas was the last of her childhood.
I KNOW this is what's supposed to happen. I KNOW this is normal. But...oh my heart. I know that God has her and him. I know that our relationship isn't ending, it's just beginning and now includes her husband. I love him, too. That doesn't mean it's easy. I have to leave her. And I'm not sure how.
I'm sure God will give me strength. I'm sure when she calls me, I'll put on a happy voice. I'm sure that even when she's crying, I won't be. Not where she can hear. I'm the mom. Strength is supposed to be my thing. Only God given will get me through. His plan is unfolding. No matter how hard, I know it's His.
I was talking to Matty about why this feels so different than when Hillary left. He told me that it's because after Hillary got married, she came here. Because when it's all said and done, she's here...just down the road. It's different than when Emily went to college because she comes home for weekends and school breaks. I know she'll be here. I can withstand the distance knowing that. But guess what...that tall girl won't be coming home for weekends, won't be moving here anytime soon. That's what makes this harder for me, what feels so different.
We are her foundation. We have nurtured, loved, disciplined and grown her. He is her building. He has her future in his heart, he will love and nurture and grow with her. God is her builder. He knit her together, knew her named and chose her since before time. God knows my heart, knows how it sorrows and rejoices all at once.
I don't know what their future looks like. In my mind, they come back here eventually. Just down the road from us, with cute aqua eyed grandchildren. But for now, oh my heart, I will pray. I will be thankful that her husband is a God fearing man who knows she was handpicked by Him to be his wife. I will be grateful that we have phones and computers. I will enjoy the visits. I will wait upon the Lord.
There is one other who is really struggling with this. Her heart is breaking a little at a time. When you're close like they are, you feel it a bit differently. Please pray for her. I hurt when they hurt.
Thank you for letting me unload, I've been doing a lot of that lately.
For all of you just beginning to have children and can't envision this time in your own life: Enjoy the little things. It goes by faster than you want. Have fun...children are an adventure, enjoy the ride!
For all of you who are on the other side: If you have any advice, I'd love to hear it. Or if you just want to hug me and tell me it's all normal, that's ok too. I think I'll need some of each.
It's almost time. Almost time to take the tall girl to her husband. This month has gone by faster than expected, faster than hoped. I still have not found a way to slow down time...or even stop it altogether. Emotions have started to pick up. She's started to realize that in another month she won't be here, in the crazy chaos that is our life.
We've cried together, I'm sure we'll cry some more. There will be 4 girls here for the summer, come fall only 3 will remain.
Oh. My. Heart.
You would think it'd be easier. I've seen other people do it, seen them move on like it's just an ordinary day. I don't know how they do that. It wasn't an ordinary day when she was born, it won't be an ordinary day when we leave her in her husband's loving arms. The days that follow won't be ordinary. We'll find a new routine, find a new way of doing things.....yet, my heart will miss her. It misses the other girl when she goes back to college. It's not specific to certain children....my heart longs for them always.
I've come to realize within the last few months that we have a very (apparently) unusual dynamic in our household. We're CLOSE. We love each other well. We know we're blessed with this, to us it IS the normal. Absolutely ordinary. We may have a lot of chaos and a lot of crazy, but it's our chaotic crazy.
And, oh my heart, it's changing. I've begun to wonder what I'm going to do without her laugh, without her sense of humor and (dare I say) without her sassy self. I realized that her last birthday was our last birthday with her...for now. Last Christmas was the last of her childhood.
I KNOW this is what's supposed to happen. I KNOW this is normal. But...oh my heart. I know that God has her and him. I know that our relationship isn't ending, it's just beginning and now includes her husband. I love him, too. That doesn't mean it's easy. I have to leave her. And I'm not sure how.
I'm sure God will give me strength. I'm sure when she calls me, I'll put on a happy voice. I'm sure that even when she's crying, I won't be. Not where she can hear. I'm the mom. Strength is supposed to be my thing. Only God given will get me through. His plan is unfolding. No matter how hard, I know it's His.
I was talking to Matty about why this feels so different than when Hillary left. He told me that it's because after Hillary got married, she came here. Because when it's all said and done, she's here...just down the road. It's different than when Emily went to college because she comes home for weekends and school breaks. I know she'll be here. I can withstand the distance knowing that. But guess what...that tall girl won't be coming home for weekends, won't be moving here anytime soon. That's what makes this harder for me, what feels so different.
We are her foundation. We have nurtured, loved, disciplined and grown her. He is her building. He has her future in his heart, he will love and nurture and grow with her. God is her builder. He knit her together, knew her named and chose her since before time. God knows my heart, knows how it sorrows and rejoices all at once.
I don't know what their future looks like. In my mind, they come back here eventually. Just down the road from us, with cute aqua eyed grandchildren. But for now, oh my heart, I will pray. I will be thankful that her husband is a God fearing man who knows she was handpicked by Him to be his wife. I will be grateful that we have phones and computers. I will enjoy the visits. I will wait upon the Lord.
There is one other who is really struggling with this. Her heart is breaking a little at a time. When you're close like they are, you feel it a bit differently. Please pray for her. I hurt when they hurt.
Thank you for letting me unload, I've been doing a lot of that lately.
For all of you just beginning to have children and can't envision this time in your own life: Enjoy the little things. It goes by faster than you want. Have fun...children are an adventure, enjoy the ride!
For all of you who are on the other side: If you have any advice, I'd love to hear it. Or if you just want to hug me and tell me it's all normal, that's ok too. I think I'll need some of each.
Friday, May 2, 2014
The Shift
Another shift has taken place in our house. Amazingly, it's not what you think it is. Yes, K is married. Yes, she will be moving with her husband in a little over a month. Yes, I am sad about that. However, that isn't the shift. The shift is that I love her husband. I didn't expect to. Didn't expect to have my heart take him in so quickly.
It hurt to see him leave this morning, going so far away to his new home. I wasn't expecting to cry...but I did. It's a good shift.
And even though I still get jealous of the minutes with our girl, I am so very glad that God opened my heart so much to the Kid. I know that he will take care of her...and she'll take care of him.
Sometimes the shifting hurts. When I start thinking about her moving away, I start to wonder about filling the K sized hole in our family. I know I'll look for her, call for her and get mad when she doesn't answer. There's always a mourning period when on of the girls begins her life.....no matter how happy I am for her. I think, sometimes, it's just not fair.
God doesn't call us to attach so much that we forget to let Him work. He calls us to trust Him. To believe His word and trust in His promises. He opens our hearts and our eyes. I believe we fall so in love with the blessings He gives us that we forget they are really His. And when we have these beloved ones, no one tells us that time speeds up and that eventually, they will find their own lives. We see them as tiny and helpless. Then, one day, they're not.
The K sized hole in our household will fill. It's not that we won't realize she's gone, it's that a routine will begin....things will head towards normal. She'll have the adventure of figuring out how to fold her towels, how her husband likes his breakfast and where the furniture fits best. She'll have a multi-person "hole" in her life, but her heart will be full. She'll realize the chaos of her childhood has disappeared....she'll mourn too. Her husband will love her well...give comfort when she's sad, laughter when she's crying. I've realized that the shift isn't one sided. I always kind of figured that they were 'Woo-Hooing' on the inside, glad to escape the crazy of our household. Guess what! That's not true.
Our lives will look different. The shift doesn't cause an end. It causes a new beginning, an adventure yet to unfold.
I can look forward to late night phone calls, exciting visits to new places and lots of pictures. I can look forward to them visiting us and watching as their marriage grows stronger. I can look forward to seeing how God will move in their lives and hearts. This shift is good.
P.S.
I can look forward to aqua eyed grandchildren...maybe TRIPLETS! Wouldn't that be fun?? ;)
It hurt to see him leave this morning, going so far away to his new home. I wasn't expecting to cry...but I did. It's a good shift.
And even though I still get jealous of the minutes with our girl, I am so very glad that God opened my heart so much to the Kid. I know that he will take care of her...and she'll take care of him.
Sometimes the shifting hurts. When I start thinking about her moving away, I start to wonder about filling the K sized hole in our family. I know I'll look for her, call for her and get mad when she doesn't answer. There's always a mourning period when on of the girls begins her life.....no matter how happy I am for her. I think, sometimes, it's just not fair.
God doesn't call us to attach so much that we forget to let Him work. He calls us to trust Him. To believe His word and trust in His promises. He opens our hearts and our eyes. I believe we fall so in love with the blessings He gives us that we forget they are really His. And when we have these beloved ones, no one tells us that time speeds up and that eventually, they will find their own lives. We see them as tiny and helpless. Then, one day, they're not.
The K sized hole in our household will fill. It's not that we won't realize she's gone, it's that a routine will begin....things will head towards normal. She'll have the adventure of figuring out how to fold her towels, how her husband likes his breakfast and where the furniture fits best. She'll have a multi-person "hole" in her life, but her heart will be full. She'll realize the chaos of her childhood has disappeared....she'll mourn too. Her husband will love her well...give comfort when she's sad, laughter when she's crying. I've realized that the shift isn't one sided. I always kind of figured that they were 'Woo-Hooing' on the inside, glad to escape the crazy of our household. Guess what! That's not true.
Our lives will look different. The shift doesn't cause an end. It causes a new beginning, an adventure yet to unfold.
I can look forward to late night phone calls, exciting visits to new places and lots of pictures. I can look forward to them visiting us and watching as their marriage grows stronger. I can look forward to seeing how God will move in their lives and hearts. This shift is good.
P.S.
I can look forward to aqua eyed grandchildren...maybe TRIPLETS! Wouldn't that be fun?? ;)
Sunday, April 13, 2014
Dear World
Dear World,
Since the end of March, we have been questioned. We have been chastised and belittled. You have wondered if something immoral is going on behind the scenes, wondered if perhaps I went behind my husbands back and did something he would not approve of. You, world, have forgotten who you are supposed to be. Let me remind you who I am.
I am a child of the one true King.
He alone sits in judgement of me, my actions, my comings and goings. He is the one who heard my cries, my pleas fell upon His ears. He alone knew the indecision in my heart. He saw my husband pray, heard his heart and gave His answers. He watched as Matty reassured me over and over again that the decision was the best for our girl. He allowed me to test Him. To consistently test Him. His answer was always the same, and I felt He gave it with a gentle pat on my head. Reminding me He's got this. Yet, world, here you are....in disagreement and anger.
I am a mother.
He charged me to love and raise His daughters. What a blessing they have been, what a joy to nurture and grow. What a gift to not have to do it alone. He blessed me with a husband that has truly fathered the daughters that were not his by birth. They are truly as precious to him as if they were his actual blood. Perhaps more precious because they have chosen to call him "Daddy", chosen to be wholeheartedly his. And he has chosen to be theirs. What a joy to see this wonderfully sweet relationship on a daily basis.
I am a wife.
Rest assured, world. I make no BIG decisions on my own. There are the every day decisions that my husband leaves to me. ie:dinner and such. But these things, these life changing moments...I can't do on my own. I am my own worst enemy when it comes to things like this. I will second guess myself until the very end. His solid presence and his certainty are the only things that get me through. I absolutely follow him, world. I couldn't survive without him. If his answer is no, then that is mine as well. So, world, you should stop assuming things.
World, you have forgotten that God has called you to love. He hasn't called you to agree, but He has called you to love. Are you aware of the sorrow that you have caused these young ones who are just starting their lives together? And before you start saying "They did it to themselves.", think about how you've treated them. Think about the opposition you've raised. Think about what you've thought and the things you've said and the way you've behaved. There are those, world, who DO love on them. However, there are those that seek to destroy what God has put together. Just because it doesn't look like what YOU think it should look like, world, doesn't mean it isn't what God intended.
We owe no explanation. We owe no one the story. If you ask, we'll share. Please understand, world. There has been no immorality, no shameful deeds. There has been no sin. Please stop treating it as such. You don't have to agree. I don't always agree with you, but I will love you anyway. The only sorrow is what you are causing, world. We stand by our decisions. We hope you will love us anyway.
Thank you for your time, world.
Love,
e
Since the end of March, we have been questioned. We have been chastised and belittled. You have wondered if something immoral is going on behind the scenes, wondered if perhaps I went behind my husbands back and did something he would not approve of. You, world, have forgotten who you are supposed to be. Let me remind you who I am.
I am a child of the one true King.
He alone sits in judgement of me, my actions, my comings and goings. He is the one who heard my cries, my pleas fell upon His ears. He alone knew the indecision in my heart. He saw my husband pray, heard his heart and gave His answers. He watched as Matty reassured me over and over again that the decision was the best for our girl. He allowed me to test Him. To consistently test Him. His answer was always the same, and I felt He gave it with a gentle pat on my head. Reminding me He's got this. Yet, world, here you are....in disagreement and anger.
I am a mother.
He charged me to love and raise His daughters. What a blessing they have been, what a joy to nurture and grow. What a gift to not have to do it alone. He blessed me with a husband that has truly fathered the daughters that were not his by birth. They are truly as precious to him as if they were his actual blood. Perhaps more precious because they have chosen to call him "Daddy", chosen to be wholeheartedly his. And he has chosen to be theirs. What a joy to see this wonderfully sweet relationship on a daily basis.
I am a wife.
Rest assured, world. I make no BIG decisions on my own. There are the every day decisions that my husband leaves to me. ie:dinner and such. But these things, these life changing moments...I can't do on my own. I am my own worst enemy when it comes to things like this. I will second guess myself until the very end. His solid presence and his certainty are the only things that get me through. I absolutely follow him, world. I couldn't survive without him. If his answer is no, then that is mine as well. So, world, you should stop assuming things.
World, you have forgotten that God has called you to love. He hasn't called you to agree, but He has called you to love. Are you aware of the sorrow that you have caused these young ones who are just starting their lives together? And before you start saying "They did it to themselves.", think about how you've treated them. Think about the opposition you've raised. Think about what you've thought and the things you've said and the way you've behaved. There are those, world, who DO love on them. However, there are those that seek to destroy what God has put together. Just because it doesn't look like what YOU think it should look like, world, doesn't mean it isn't what God intended.
We owe no explanation. We owe no one the story. If you ask, we'll share. Please understand, world. There has been no immorality, no shameful deeds. There has been no sin. Please stop treating it as such. You don't have to agree. I don't always agree with you, but I will love you anyway. The only sorrow is what you are causing, world. We stand by our decisions. We hope you will love us anyway.
Thank you for your time, world.
Love,
e
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