Don't you Know?

This entry was originally going to be some drivel about me turning 40. But I erased it. So now....it's about beauty.

There is a song that the chorus is "Don't you know, don't you know that you're beautiful?" 3 years ago, I would've said yes. Maybe even 2 years ago. But now...now I just DON'T know.

You see, I equate beauty with how good I feel my figure is. And really, isn't that what we're taught?? We see thin, beautiful women on t.v. all the time. They accost us in magazines, look at us from billboards and make us laugh or cry from the big screen. The media has a hay day if a famous woman is caught, heaven forbid, looking NORMAL! Then the aforementioned woman goes on national television to show off her NEW body...the thinner, more "beautiful" her. Does she know she was beautiful before??

I know beauty is more than a figure, more than a current trend. I know it because I say it all the time to our girls. But that doesn't apply to me. I don't have to believe it, I just have to pass the message along. Right?! WRONG!

I need to believe it. I struggle so much with feeling like the odd duck, the sheep no one wants to talk to. And a part of me believes that maybe if I looked like the other sheep, was as beautiful as the flock, then maybe I would be liked better. Because, of course, I believe that how beautiful you are directly leads to how people like you. Hmmm, there seems to be a flaw in my logic. So what's a girl to do?

I know some of you are scratching your head (Yes, I 'm talking to YOU), thinking "Erin, you are so NOT a sheep at all." Don't let the pink hair fool you, sometimes I need to know I'm beautiful too. Just like all the other pretty sheep.

I look at our girls, and I think how lovely they all are. Loud, opinionated, sweet girls....and all fair of face. Sometimes, I think God did that because He knows how I feel about myself. There are things I can change, things I can work on. But what really needs the work is my mind set. It's flawed, with HUGE holes in it. I need to remember that I am MORE than my jean size, more than the number on the scale. I need to remember that I was created in HIS image....and He is Beeeeeyouuuuutiiiiifullll!

I need to believe the words I say to the girls, need to grasp them and hold tight. I need to remember the way He loves me.....and that He purposely created me. I am a part of His plan....every inch of me. And that is a grand thing.


How about you? Don't you know YOU'RE beautiful?!

Tidal Wave

That's how it came over me: the realization that next week at church there would be one less daughter sitting in our row. Not that she sat with us often (usually with the other youth), but STILL! The tidal wave of truth hit....another one was leaving our home.....and I haven't stopped crying. At least not on the inside.


This Juliet....oh how I love her. She was an incredibly happy baby (laughed at walls) and a VERY dramatic teenager....still is. I know she is going to do UH-Mazing at college and I know she has to learn how to function without us coddling her. But, please....just another few weeks/months/years?!

I didn't expect to feel this way. I figure the more you have the easier it gets, right? I think I could be wrong. I have 3 in a row....how will I survive it?

And I am reminded....she is His. He created her for His purpose, His glory, His plan. He simply allowed us to raise her. And, oh, I have wondered why He thought I would be a good mother to her?! He must see something in me, and for that I am thankful. My life would not be the same without her to have held.

Another wave hit: This one, the realization that He loves ME more than I could ever love her. And I love her ALOT. And even though I have veered so far off the path He designed just for me, He has loved me. When I was so far in a pit, with the pigs....He loved me. In fact....He created me. ON PURPOSE. That is one wave I will ride to the shore.

He calls me to love her. I can do that. But I don't have to like her leaving. Because regardless of it all, it's a new configuration of our family. I know that as time goes on, a new normal will emerge and life will settle into a pattern. The puzzle will shift and the pieces will move....and we will survive this, together, with God's grace and love. As the man who preached today said....praise Him in all times. (that's what I heard)

Tidal waves are scary, tumultuous and wild. I will hold my breath and stand firm...

if you see me, hug me. i'm gonna need it.

When a Man loves a Woman

We all know what song goes through our heads: Michael Bolton belting out those lyrics. And really, there is nothing good in that song. For heavens sake, it's about a man doing everything for a woman and she doesn't care/notice.

Sometimes, I see that in the girls. There are boys that bend over backward just to get a smile. Boys that fall so in "love" that they put a girl on a pedestal and forget that she is JUST a girl. And this girl, she shies away from that. She's a skittish colt. She hates being "loved". And sometimes, she doesn't care what they do.

We have very specific ideas of what we want for these daughters in a dating relationship. First, we believe in dating. Not the worlds view...but the whole go on dates thing. With different boys. Perhaps even in the same weekend.....daring, huh? We defy one on one relationship. We want these daughters to be pursued, not to do the pursing. We want boys to call them, not them call boys. Any boy that prefers that isn't worth the time.

Please know that I am not supporting using someone. I have told the girls that dating is to get to know someone, to figure out IF you do like someone. I hearken back to a more innocent age, a time when boys respected girls and girls didn't chase boys like they're a prize.

The truth is, when a man loves a woman it's much deeper than the things he buys, the things he does. When a man loves a woman.....
...he sits by her when she throws up
he chooses to love her when she is unlovable
...he builds her a table, even though they have a perfectly acceptable one
he sees her past and doesn't shy away
...he becomes a better man
he lets you change the xbox avatar to a girl (even though it bugs him)
...he listens when she fights with her best friend
he takes her side, even when she's wrong
...he wipes her tears when she's sad/angry/hurt/happy
he lets her go to Disneyland, even without him

The truth is, there is so much more. I watch these boys fumble with what they think "love" is and it hurts. They "love" someone that is in no place to love them. They ask for advice on "how to" with a specific girl, but get angry when the answer comes to them from different people than the object of affection. They put someone behind glass, then don't understand when she tries to break it down. They stand in awe of her.....unable to completely function and then don't understand why she gets upset that he hasn't spoken to her. I just want to yell at them...."OPEN YOUR MOUTH,BOY!".....haven't yet, but be on the lookout.

In conversation with some girls, they were talking about a boy who thinks he's ready to be intimate with his girlfriend. My heart broke. These boys think they have it all together. That they are in control. Truth is, they have none. God has it all. God has written their lives. He knows everything. He knows the heartbreak that will follow intimacy before marriage. He knows the sorrow that will come. One of these girls said "I haven't had sex yet, but I've done things that I'm already bringing into my marriage....and it's heartbreaking". My heart breaks for her.

In closing, the colt girl won't always be that way. Someone will come into her life and she will want to be loved by him. She won't want to run or hide. I know this. I also know that there is no way to stop people from loving her before she's ready. It's crazy growing up in this world, where too much too soon is a way of life. Keep praying, hold tight and know that God's plan is complete. He knows the detours we may take....and loves us anyways.

When a man loves a woman....
.......he will respect your heart, respect your commitment to God, and honor you........never settle for less.

The Art of Breaking

Every time a glass breaks in my house, I get a little cranky. And afterward I always think in my head that "next time, I will just laugh it off". I never do. Tonight, the 4th glass this month was broken. I grabbed the dog, a girl swept and I told the girl who did how it would've been different if only she'd........

Wow. That is NOT who I want to be. Every day so many things get broken. Glasses, t.v.s, anything. You name it and it can probably get broken. But tonight, I broke something far more important than a glass. I chipped away at her spirit. And I fear that someday there may be so many chinks that she shatters.

It's an art, breaking someone. I know. I was/have been broken. A parental telling me I wouldn't amount to anything. A husband (the first) headbutting me. My daughter yelling she hated me. A husband telling me tiny little stupid lies. And sometimes, I feel so broken that I'm not sure how to hold up. Occasionally, I find myself chinking away at Matty, chinking away at the girls. Bit by bit, I can see and hear myself breaking them. And sometimes, I feel helpless to stop it. I get going and can't always quit. It's like a stone rolling down a hill. Sigh.

Everyone is fragile. Their hearts, their lives. We wait for a word....we wait for silence. We wait for the "shatter". We "shatter" someone else. We run up against ourselves, we become the one who's getting broken. We tell ourselves that we're stupid, why did I do that. We realize our faults in hurting others, never in hurting ourselves. Why is that?

There is One who treats me like I am a precious stone. He will never break me. He reminds me not to shatter the glass. He reminds me that even if something breaks, He is mighty to fix it. He gently and sometimes forcefully reprimands me....these are His children, treat them well. He reminds me that a glass is just a glass, but their hearts are more valuable. He holds my hand when I fail, gives me courage to begin again. He loves me, just as I am.


I probably won't laugh it off when the next glass breaks.....but I'll try. I will, however, be more cautious with the glass that is my daughters. They deserve that.

The Monster Under the Bed

There is NOT a monster under my bed. Instead, he roams in my world. He roams around my home, he walks heavily through dreams and consistently wreaks havoc upon my life. He causes anger, sorrow, hatred and fear. And guess what! He's in your life too.

We can not escape the enemy. This world is his to walk upon. There is warfare all around us.
Let's chat a little about fear. I believe fear is a great big hold on many, many people. As a little girl, my mom took me to see a movie. I was about 7. In this movie all Christians were captured and beheaded. Talk about a "monster"! I was TERRIFIED! All I envisioned was being yanked out of my bed and taken to the guillotine. I had nightmares of this happening to my parents, my sister and anyone I loved. As I had children, their tiny heads filled a basket. It was horrible.

There is fear of love, of never finding love. There is fear of pain, death and even fear of joy. When exactly does fear set in? I have seen our children walk fearlessly into the road, ride a roller coaster, move away. I have seen them walk bravely into situations that I would've run from. I have seen them confront fear. I have seen them walk away, unscathed. Yet....I have seen fear tremble across their faces. I know one girl who is afraid she will never be loved. I WAS that girl once upon a time. But rather than search it out, SHE is waiting for God to reveal all. And that takes courage. One girl is afraid of loving too soon. That is wisdom.

As parents, we instill fear in our children. We tell them not to touch, look both ways and don't talk to strangers. We, at least I, tell them what some consequences could be. And I don't sugar coat. Some fears are simply our own. I am afraid of spiders, roller coasters and my children dying. I used to be afraid of being alone....I realize now that I was never alone. I am afraid of failing the children, afraid of not teaching and telling them everything they will need to know to survive this world. I used to be afraid of the end of the world. I used to pray that God would let me see the children grow up. In my mind, that was fully grown, with children. And one day, He revealed to me that EVERY DAY I got to see them grow up. And so it is.

What are you afraid of?? Don't be afraid of the monster under your bed, the one who walks the earth. His end is written. He will continue to cause strife, continue to try and beat you/me down. His goal is to steal, kill and destroy. I don't want to allow that anymore. Some fear is healthy, learning fear. Some is silly, human stuff. Some is well feared. We should never stop being aware of the prince of this world, never stop being vigilant to praying against him. I, however, have a mighty sword in front of me. And if God is for me, then who could stand against??!


I can't watch movies with be-headings. But I am not afraid anymore.....I have read the end and can't wait to get there.

A Moment Too Long

We've all had one. That moment you see an attractive person of the opposite sex. You glance at them, surprised they're looking at you. You hold their gaze. Then suddenly....your mind is going. And for a moment, you forget everything else but the fact that you are desirable to someone. But, um...HELLO! That person isn't your spouse. We all seek affirmation, desire attention and yearn for validation. And sometimes, when we think we're missing it, we're willing to allow those too long moments.

I believe it happens in every marriage. I don't think it's intentional, nor do I think every glance is inappropriate. I don't think every gaze leads to adultery. I do think that sometimes it leads to thinking about your own spouse. Perhaps even thinking about what it is you feel you've been missing. Or thinking about what you WISH your spouse would think/do/say.

At the very core, the very root, is dissatisfaction. An unmet expectation. There are a million things our spouses may do in a day/week/month/year to absolutely annoy us. In one of those moments, you can bet the enemy is going to try to shatter a brick in your/my marriage. We don't even know there's a fight yet. So we don't protect. Our defenses are down, we are caught unawares. And before you know....it's been a moment too long.

The thoughts you may entertain, but never expound on, are dangerous. More explosive are the ones you do act upon. A cup of coffee. Befriending on social networks. Texting.
Maybe even video chat. Sometimes, it's not even a person in person. It's someone online. You cultivate a relationship. Tell all your troubles and they commiserate. Before long, they are the missing piece to your angst. And you are sinking.

Since wearing the letter "A", I have had a few moments. Just glances, gazes. However, I shut it down. Because I've been there. My defenses go up, my bulwark is built and I SHUT MY MIND DOWN. Maybe Matty and I have had "that same old argument". Maybe he's said something I don't like. Whatever it is, I recognize that vulnerability. I see it, I own it and I embrace it. I search out my heart, PRAY and hold my thoughts captive. Everyone likes to be noticed. Everyone likes attention. Everyone likes to know that someone finds them attractive. That's where is has to stop.

We have to hold tight to our marriages. We must stand together against the enemy. We must be united. Next time you have a moment too long, I hope it's with your spouse.


My favorite is when we're across the room from eachother. I look at him, he looks at me and I know I belong. I am his.

Erin and the No Good, Very Bad May

It is what it sounds like. But we actually have to back up to the end of April.

We had a fabulous vacation to Disneyland. I went to IKEA with my parents 2 weeks after we got back. It was relaxing and blissful. Sigh.

I got home. That is when it all came down. Matt got fired. For being a nice guy. After 10 years. UGH!
I cried. I blogged. We survived....but barely. Come the following Friday, I burned my hand. Decided NOT to go to the doctor....I was having a party. Hand HURT. I went to doc at the urging of 2 friends ( you know who you are) and found out I had 2nd degree burns. OUCH. Did I mention that at this same time we were planning our oldest daughters wedding??!

Daughters wedding began coming together. On a zero budget! It can be done, people! It took a lot of people and their generous supplies/help/love. Anyways.....someone offered to pay for cake. Then, decided not to pay for cake. Okay. I can deal. Not so much, actually. I cried. EVERYTHING made me cry. I couldn't talk to anyone without crying. If anyone even asked how I was, I cried. My daughter said that every time she looked at me, I was crying.

Back to the cake: Someone else called and said not to worry, they had the cake covered. Guess what! They ended up not being able to do the cake thing either. A week and 1/2 before the wedding. Went to my moms, fought with her. Sat in my car and cried. For an hour. Talked to my friend while crying in the Starbucks parking lot. They were closed. Like I didn't have enough to deal with. (I may be off a smidge in the chain of events)Finally, the cake was taken care of. For real. And it was yummy....and ended up being a gift of love.

Found out Matt was denied unemployment because the state agreed with Wal-Mart. He was a BAD, BAD employee for helping someone on his lunch. They said his "work had fallen below the standard they expect". Cue the crying. Just when I had stopped. Eeeesh!

And before this becomes the "light at the end of the tunnel" blog, I have one more thing. The day before Hillary's wedding.....we found LICE in Harley's hair. HOORAY! I told her if she agreed to shave her head, I would shave mine. I just COULDN'T DEAL WITH ONE MORE THING! As you can see in the pictures, she opted not to go that route, much to my dismay. We washed and deloused her hair. And washed (treated) everyone else on the just in case mode. No one else had any buggies. (FYI: she is louse FREE) We stripped and bagged beds and animals. Bug sprayed brushes and combs. All the day of the wedding rehearsal. I kind of laughed, crazy like.

However, here is the light at the end of the tunnel part. Matt got a job. We had some money come in. AND! we survived. I graduated, Emily graduated and Hillary is married off. And so as I look back on my No Good, Very Bad May I realize:
Matt had all the time off he would need for that very busy month
I was able to dedicate time to my EOC so I could graduate (due to him being home and helping with girls)
We were able to spend time with our pregnant daughter and new son in law
He helped me with it all, because he was off
He put in Savannah's garden
We reconnected....had been feeling distant
We rethought our finances
Friends gave him odd jobs....brought in a little income
People prayed
I prayed
We relied (rely) on God.....it is all Him

I believe Matt will do well in his new job. He's a good man, and nice to people. We will see what God has in store. I know that he is more valuable than Wal-Mart ever recognized....and know he is too good for them. His ego took a hit, but his faith grew.


"Go, Fight, Win" words my friend says sometimes when we sign off....."I will if you will"....from a card a friend sent me (and I WOULD).....and numerous other words of encouragement came my way. I didn't always acknowledge them, but I always heard. Thanks friends, for sticking with me in my time of lunacy and crazy laughter. And incessant crying.


June is already better.....but I have a tip: Never put corn in hush puppie batter then deep fry them. The kernels become little BOMBS....ouch!

He has never left or forsaken me...I am His beloved. He knows my name.