We all know what song goes through our heads: Michael Bolton belting out those lyrics. And really, there is nothing good in that song. For heavens sake, it's about a man doing everything for a woman and she doesn't care/notice.
Sometimes, I see that in the girls. There are boys that bend over backward just to get a smile. Boys that fall so in "love" that they put a girl on a pedestal and forget that she is JUST a girl. And this girl, she shies away from that. She's a skittish colt. She hates being "loved". And sometimes, she doesn't care what they do.
We have very specific ideas of what we want for these daughters in a dating relationship. First, we believe in dating. Not the worlds view...but the whole go on dates thing. With different boys. Perhaps even in the same weekend.....daring, huh? We defy one on one relationship. We want these daughters to be pursued, not to do the pursing. We want boys to call them, not them call boys. Any boy that prefers that isn't worth the time.
Please know that I am not supporting using someone. I have told the girls that dating is to get to know someone, to figure out IF you do like someone. I hearken back to a more innocent age, a time when boys respected girls and girls didn't chase boys like they're a prize.
The truth is, when a man loves a woman it's much deeper than the things he buys, the things he does. When a man loves a woman.....
...he sits by her when she throws up
he chooses to love her when she is unlovable
...he builds her a table, even though they have a perfectly acceptable one
he sees her past and doesn't shy away
...he becomes a better man
he lets you change the xbox avatar to a girl (even though it bugs him)
...he listens when she fights with her best friend
he takes her side, even when she's wrong
...he wipes her tears when she's sad/angry/hurt/happy
he lets her go to Disneyland, even without him
The truth is, there is so much more. I watch these boys fumble with what they think "love" is and it hurts. They "love" someone that is in no place to love them. They ask for advice on "how to" with a specific girl, but get angry when the answer comes to them from different people than the object of affection. They put someone behind glass, then don't understand when she tries to break it down. They stand in awe of her.....unable to completely function and then don't understand why she gets upset that he hasn't spoken to her. I just want to yell at them...."OPEN YOUR MOUTH,BOY!".....haven't yet, but be on the lookout.
In conversation with some girls, they were talking about a boy who thinks he's ready to be intimate with his girlfriend. My heart broke. These boys think they have it all together. That they are in control. Truth is, they have none. God has it all. God has written their lives. He knows everything. He knows the heartbreak that will follow intimacy before marriage. He knows the sorrow that will come. One of these girls said "I haven't had sex yet, but I've done things that I'm already bringing into my marriage....and it's heartbreaking". My heart breaks for her.
In closing, the colt girl won't always be that way. Someone will come into her life and she will want to be loved by him. She won't want to run or hide. I know this. I also know that there is no way to stop people from loving her before she's ready. It's crazy growing up in this world, where too much too soon is a way of life. Keep praying, hold tight and know that God's plan is complete. He knows the detours we may take....and loves us anyways.
When a man loves a woman....
.......he will respect your heart, respect your commitment to God, and honor you........never settle for less.
Thursday, August 2, 2012
Sunday, July 22, 2012
The Art of Breaking
Every time a glass breaks in my house, I get a little cranky. And afterward I always think in my head that "next time, I will just laugh it off". I never do. Tonight, the 4th glass this month was broken. I grabbed the dog, a girl swept and I told the girl who did how it would've been different if only she'd........
Wow. That is NOT who I want to be. Every day so many things get broken. Glasses, t.v.s, anything. You name it and it can probably get broken. But tonight, I broke something far more important than a glass. I chipped away at her spirit. And I fear that someday there may be so many chinks that she shatters.
It's an art, breaking someone. I know. I was/have been broken. A parental telling me I wouldn't amount to anything. A husband (the first) headbutting me. My daughter yelling she hated me. A husband telling me tiny little stupid lies. And sometimes, I feel so broken that I'm not sure how to hold up. Occasionally, I find myself chinking away at Matty, chinking away at the girls. Bit by bit, I can see and hear myself breaking them. And sometimes, I feel helpless to stop it. I get going and can't always quit. It's like a stone rolling down a hill. Sigh.
Everyone is fragile. Their hearts, their lives. We wait for a word....we wait for silence. We wait for the "shatter". We "shatter" someone else. We run up against ourselves, we become the one who's getting broken. We tell ourselves that we're stupid, why did I do that. We realize our faults in hurting others, never in hurting ourselves. Why is that?
There is One who treats me like I am a precious stone. He will never break me. He reminds me not to shatter the glass. He reminds me that even if something breaks, He is mighty to fix it. He gently and sometimes forcefully reprimands me....these are His children, treat them well. He reminds me that a glass is just a glass, but their hearts are more valuable. He holds my hand when I fail, gives me courage to begin again. He loves me, just as I am.
I probably won't laugh it off when the next glass breaks.....but I'll try. I will, however, be more cautious with the glass that is my daughters. They deserve that.
Wow. That is NOT who I want to be. Every day so many things get broken. Glasses, t.v.s, anything. You name it and it can probably get broken. But tonight, I broke something far more important than a glass. I chipped away at her spirit. And I fear that someday there may be so many chinks that she shatters.
It's an art, breaking someone. I know. I was/have been broken. A parental telling me I wouldn't amount to anything. A husband (the first) headbutting me. My daughter yelling she hated me. A husband telling me tiny little stupid lies. And sometimes, I feel so broken that I'm not sure how to hold up. Occasionally, I find myself chinking away at Matty, chinking away at the girls. Bit by bit, I can see and hear myself breaking them. And sometimes, I feel helpless to stop it. I get going and can't always quit. It's like a stone rolling down a hill. Sigh.
Everyone is fragile. Their hearts, their lives. We wait for a word....we wait for silence. We wait for the "shatter". We "shatter" someone else. We run up against ourselves, we become the one who's getting broken. We tell ourselves that we're stupid, why did I do that. We realize our faults in hurting others, never in hurting ourselves. Why is that?
There is One who treats me like I am a precious stone. He will never break me. He reminds me not to shatter the glass. He reminds me that even if something breaks, He is mighty to fix it. He gently and sometimes forcefully reprimands me....these are His children, treat them well. He reminds me that a glass is just a glass, but their hearts are more valuable. He holds my hand when I fail, gives me courage to begin again. He loves me, just as I am.
I probably won't laugh it off when the next glass breaks.....but I'll try. I will, however, be more cautious with the glass that is my daughters. They deserve that.
Tuesday, July 3, 2012
The Monster Under the Bed
There is NOT a monster under my bed. Instead, he roams in my world. He roams around my home, he walks heavily through dreams and consistently wreaks havoc upon my life. He causes anger, sorrow, hatred and fear. And guess what! He's in your life too.
We can not escape the enemy. This world is his to walk upon. There is warfare all around us.
Let's chat a little about fear. I believe fear is a great big hold on many, many people. As a little girl, my mom took me to see a movie. I was about 7. In this movie all Christians were captured and beheaded. Talk about a "monster"! I was TERRIFIED! All I envisioned was being yanked out of my bed and taken to the guillotine. I had nightmares of this happening to my parents, my sister and anyone I loved. As I had children, their tiny heads filled a basket. It was horrible.
There is fear of love, of never finding love. There is fear of pain, death and even fear of joy. When exactly does fear set in? I have seen our children walk fearlessly into the road, ride a roller coaster, move away. I have seen them walk bravely into situations that I would've run from. I have seen them confront fear. I have seen them walk away, unscathed. Yet....I have seen fear tremble across their faces. I know one girl who is afraid she will never be loved. I WAS that girl once upon a time. But rather than search it out, SHE is waiting for God to reveal all. And that takes courage. One girl is afraid of loving too soon. That is wisdom.
As parents, we instill fear in our children. We tell them not to touch, look both ways and don't talk to strangers. We, at least I, tell them what some consequences could be. And I don't sugar coat. Some fears are simply our own. I am afraid of spiders, roller coasters and my children dying. I used to be afraid of being alone....I realize now that I was never alone. I am afraid of failing the children, afraid of not teaching and telling them everything they will need to know to survive this world. I used to be afraid of the end of the world. I used to pray that God would let me see the children grow up. In my mind, that was fully grown, with children. And one day, He revealed to me that EVERY DAY I got to see them grow up. And so it is.
What are you afraid of?? Don't be afraid of the monster under your bed, the one who walks the earth. His end is written. He will continue to cause strife, continue to try and beat you/me down. His goal is to steal, kill and destroy. I don't want to allow that anymore. Some fear is healthy, learning fear. Some is silly, human stuff. Some is well feared. We should never stop being aware of the prince of this world, never stop being vigilant to praying against him. I, however, have a mighty sword in front of me. And if God is for me, then who could stand against??!
I can't watch movies with be-headings. But I am not afraid anymore.....I have read the end and can't wait to get there.
We can not escape the enemy. This world is his to walk upon. There is warfare all around us.
Let's chat a little about fear. I believe fear is a great big hold on many, many people. As a little girl, my mom took me to see a movie. I was about 7. In this movie all Christians were captured and beheaded. Talk about a "monster"! I was TERRIFIED! All I envisioned was being yanked out of my bed and taken to the guillotine. I had nightmares of this happening to my parents, my sister and anyone I loved. As I had children, their tiny heads filled a basket. It was horrible.
There is fear of love, of never finding love. There is fear of pain, death and even fear of joy. When exactly does fear set in? I have seen our children walk fearlessly into the road, ride a roller coaster, move away. I have seen them walk bravely into situations that I would've run from. I have seen them confront fear. I have seen them walk away, unscathed. Yet....I have seen fear tremble across their faces. I know one girl who is afraid she will never be loved. I WAS that girl once upon a time. But rather than search it out, SHE is waiting for God to reveal all. And that takes courage. One girl is afraid of loving too soon. That is wisdom.
As parents, we instill fear in our children. We tell them not to touch, look both ways and don't talk to strangers. We, at least I, tell them what some consequences could be. And I don't sugar coat. Some fears are simply our own. I am afraid of spiders, roller coasters and my children dying. I used to be afraid of being alone....I realize now that I was never alone. I am afraid of failing the children, afraid of not teaching and telling them everything they will need to know to survive this world. I used to be afraid of the end of the world. I used to pray that God would let me see the children grow up. In my mind, that was fully grown, with children. And one day, He revealed to me that EVERY DAY I got to see them grow up. And so it is.
What are you afraid of?? Don't be afraid of the monster under your bed, the one who walks the earth. His end is written. He will continue to cause strife, continue to try and beat you/me down. His goal is to steal, kill and destroy. I don't want to allow that anymore. Some fear is healthy, learning fear. Some is silly, human stuff. Some is well feared. We should never stop being aware of the prince of this world, never stop being vigilant to praying against him. I, however, have a mighty sword in front of me. And if God is for me, then who could stand against??!
I can't watch movies with be-headings. But I am not afraid anymore.....I have read the end and can't wait to get there.
Monday, June 18, 2012
A Moment Too Long
We've all had one. That moment you see an attractive person of the opposite sex. You glance at them, surprised they're looking at you. You hold their gaze. Then suddenly....your mind is going. And for a moment, you forget everything else but the fact that you are desirable to someone. But, um...HELLO! That person isn't your spouse. We all seek affirmation, desire attention and yearn for validation. And sometimes, when we think we're missing it, we're willing to allow those too long moments.
I believe it happens in every marriage. I don't think it's intentional, nor do I think every glance is inappropriate. I don't think every gaze leads to adultery. I do think that sometimes it leads to thinking about your own spouse. Perhaps even thinking about what it is you feel you've been missing. Or thinking about what you WISH your spouse would think/do/say.
At the very core, the very root, is dissatisfaction. An unmet expectation. There are a million things our spouses may do in a day/week/month/year to absolutely annoy us. In one of those moments, you can bet the enemy is going to try to shatter a brick in your/my marriage. We don't even know there's a fight yet. So we don't protect. Our defenses are down, we are caught unawares. And before you know....it's been a moment too long.
The thoughts you may entertain, but never expound on, are dangerous. More explosive are the ones you do act upon. A cup of coffee. Befriending on social networks. Texting.
Maybe even video chat. Sometimes, it's not even a person in person. It's someone online. You cultivate a relationship. Tell all your troubles and they commiserate. Before long, they are the missing piece to your angst. And you are sinking.
Since wearing the letter "A", I have had a few moments. Just glances, gazes. However, I shut it down. Because I've been there. My defenses go up, my bulwark is built and I SHUT MY MIND DOWN. Maybe Matty and I have had "that same old argument". Maybe he's said something I don't like. Whatever it is, I recognize that vulnerability. I see it, I own it and I embrace it. I search out my heart, PRAY and hold my thoughts captive. Everyone likes to be noticed. Everyone likes attention. Everyone likes to know that someone finds them attractive. That's where is has to stop.
We have to hold tight to our marriages. We must stand together against the enemy. We must be united. Next time you have a moment too long, I hope it's with your spouse.
My favorite is when we're across the room from eachother. I look at him, he looks at me and I know I belong. I am his.
I believe it happens in every marriage. I don't think it's intentional, nor do I think every glance is inappropriate. I don't think every gaze leads to adultery. I do think that sometimes it leads to thinking about your own spouse. Perhaps even thinking about what it is you feel you've been missing. Or thinking about what you WISH your spouse would think/do/say.
At the very core, the very root, is dissatisfaction. An unmet expectation. There are a million things our spouses may do in a day/week/month/year to absolutely annoy us. In one of those moments, you can bet the enemy is going to try to shatter a brick in your/my marriage. We don't even know there's a fight yet. So we don't protect. Our defenses are down, we are caught unawares. And before you know....it's been a moment too long.
The thoughts you may entertain, but never expound on, are dangerous. More explosive are the ones you do act upon. A cup of coffee. Befriending on social networks. Texting.
Maybe even video chat. Sometimes, it's not even a person in person. It's someone online. You cultivate a relationship. Tell all your troubles and they commiserate. Before long, they are the missing piece to your angst. And you are sinking.
Since wearing the letter "A", I have had a few moments. Just glances, gazes. However, I shut it down. Because I've been there. My defenses go up, my bulwark is built and I SHUT MY MIND DOWN. Maybe Matty and I have had "that same old argument". Maybe he's said something I don't like. Whatever it is, I recognize that vulnerability. I see it, I own it and I embrace it. I search out my heart, PRAY and hold my thoughts captive. Everyone likes to be noticed. Everyone likes attention. Everyone likes to know that someone finds them attractive. That's where is has to stop.
We have to hold tight to our marriages. We must stand together against the enemy. We must be united. Next time you have a moment too long, I hope it's with your spouse.
My favorite is when we're across the room from eachother. I look at him, he looks at me and I know I belong. I am his.
Wednesday, June 6, 2012
Erin and the No Good, Very Bad May
It is what it sounds like. But we actually have to back up to the end of April.
We had a fabulous vacation to Disneyland. I went to IKEA with my parents 2 weeks after we got back. It was relaxing and blissful. Sigh.
I got home. That is when it all came down. Matt got fired. For being a nice guy. After 10 years. UGH!
I cried. I blogged. We survived....but barely. Come the following Friday, I burned my hand. Decided NOT to go to the doctor....I was having a party. Hand HURT. I went to doc at the urging of 2 friends ( you know who you are) and found out I had 2nd degree burns. OUCH. Did I mention that at this same time we were planning our oldest daughters wedding??!
Daughters wedding began coming together. On a zero budget! It can be done, people! It took a lot of people and their generous supplies/help/love. Anyways.....someone offered to pay for cake. Then, decided not to pay for cake. Okay. I can deal. Not so much, actually. I cried. EVERYTHING made me cry. I couldn't talk to anyone without crying. If anyone even asked how I was, I cried. My daughter said that every time she looked at me, I was crying.
Back to the cake: Someone else called and said not to worry, they had the cake covered. Guess what! They ended up not being able to do the cake thing either. A week and 1/2 before the wedding. Went to my moms, fought with her. Sat in my car and cried. For an hour. Talked to my friend while crying in the Starbucks parking lot. They were closed. Like I didn't have enough to deal with. (I may be off a smidge in the chain of events)Finally, the cake was taken care of. For real. And it was yummy....and ended up being a gift of love.
Found out Matt was denied unemployment because the state agreed with Wal-Mart. He was a BAD, BAD employee for helping someone on his lunch. They said his "work had fallen below the standard they expect". Cue the crying. Just when I had stopped. Eeeesh!
And before this becomes the "light at the end of the tunnel" blog, I have one more thing. The day before Hillary's wedding.....we found LICE in Harley's hair. HOORAY! I told her if she agreed to shave her head, I would shave mine. I just COULDN'T DEAL WITH ONE MORE THING! As you can see in the pictures, she opted not to go that route, much to my dismay. We washed and deloused her hair. And washed (treated) everyone else on the just in case mode. No one else had any buggies. (FYI: she is louse FREE) We stripped and bagged beds and animals. Bug sprayed brushes and combs. All the day of the wedding rehearsal. I kind of laughed, crazy like.
However, here is the light at the end of the tunnel part. Matt got a job. We had some money come in. AND! we survived. I graduated, Emily graduated and Hillary is married off. And so as I look back on my No Good, Very Bad May I realize:
Matt had all the time off he would need for that very busy month
I was able to dedicate time to my EOC so I could graduate (due to him being home and helping with girls)
We were able to spend time with our pregnant daughter and new son in law
He helped me with it all, because he was off
He put in Savannah's garden
We reconnected....had been feeling distant
We rethought our finances
Friends gave him odd jobs....brought in a little income
People prayed
I prayed
We relied (rely) on God.....it is all Him
I believe Matt will do well in his new job. He's a good man, and nice to people. We will see what God has in store. I know that he is more valuable than Wal-Mart ever recognized....and know he is too good for them. His ego took a hit, but his faith grew.
"Go, Fight, Win" words my friend says sometimes when we sign off....."I will if you will"....from a card a friend sent me (and I WOULD).....and numerous other words of encouragement came my way. I didn't always acknowledge them, but I always heard. Thanks friends, for sticking with me in my time of lunacy and crazy laughter. And incessant crying.
June is already better.....but I have a tip: Never put corn in hush puppie batter then deep fry them. The kernels become little BOMBS....ouch!
He has never left or forsaken me...I am His beloved. He knows my name.
We had a fabulous vacation to Disneyland. I went to IKEA with my parents 2 weeks after we got back. It was relaxing and blissful. Sigh.
I got home. That is when it all came down. Matt got fired. For being a nice guy. After 10 years. UGH!
I cried. I blogged. We survived....but barely. Come the following Friday, I burned my hand. Decided NOT to go to the doctor....I was having a party. Hand HURT. I went to doc at the urging of 2 friends ( you know who you are) and found out I had 2nd degree burns. OUCH. Did I mention that at this same time we were planning our oldest daughters wedding??!
Daughters wedding began coming together. On a zero budget! It can be done, people! It took a lot of people and their generous supplies/help/love. Anyways.....someone offered to pay for cake. Then, decided not to pay for cake. Okay. I can deal. Not so much, actually. I cried. EVERYTHING made me cry. I couldn't talk to anyone without crying. If anyone even asked how I was, I cried. My daughter said that every time she looked at me, I was crying.
Back to the cake: Someone else called and said not to worry, they had the cake covered. Guess what! They ended up not being able to do the cake thing either. A week and 1/2 before the wedding. Went to my moms, fought with her. Sat in my car and cried. For an hour. Talked to my friend while crying in the Starbucks parking lot. They were closed. Like I didn't have enough to deal with. (I may be off a smidge in the chain of events)Finally, the cake was taken care of. For real. And it was yummy....and ended up being a gift of love.
Found out Matt was denied unemployment because the state agreed with Wal-Mart. He was a BAD, BAD employee for helping someone on his lunch. They said his "work had fallen below the standard they expect". Cue the crying. Just when I had stopped. Eeeesh!
And before this becomes the "light at the end of the tunnel" blog, I have one more thing. The day before Hillary's wedding.....we found LICE in Harley's hair. HOORAY! I told her if she agreed to shave her head, I would shave mine. I just COULDN'T DEAL WITH ONE MORE THING! As you can see in the pictures, she opted not to go that route, much to my dismay. We washed and deloused her hair. And washed (treated) everyone else on the just in case mode. No one else had any buggies. (FYI: she is louse FREE) We stripped and bagged beds and animals. Bug sprayed brushes and combs. All the day of the wedding rehearsal. I kind of laughed, crazy like.
However, here is the light at the end of the tunnel part. Matt got a job. We had some money come in. AND! we survived. I graduated, Emily graduated and Hillary is married off. And so as I look back on my No Good, Very Bad May I realize:
Matt had all the time off he would need for that very busy month
I was able to dedicate time to my EOC so I could graduate (due to him being home and helping with girls)
We were able to spend time with our pregnant daughter and new son in law
He helped me with it all, because he was off
He put in Savannah's garden
We reconnected....had been feeling distant
We rethought our finances
Friends gave him odd jobs....brought in a little income
People prayed
I prayed
We relied (rely) on God.....it is all Him
I believe Matt will do well in his new job. He's a good man, and nice to people. We will see what God has in store. I know that he is more valuable than Wal-Mart ever recognized....and know he is too good for them. His ego took a hit, but his faith grew.
"Go, Fight, Win" words my friend says sometimes when we sign off....."I will if you will"....from a card a friend sent me (and I WOULD).....and numerous other words of encouragement came my way. I didn't always acknowledge them, but I always heard. Thanks friends, for sticking with me in my time of lunacy and crazy laughter. And incessant crying.
June is already better.....but I have a tip: Never put corn in hush puppie batter then deep fry them. The kernels become little BOMBS....ouch!
He has never left or forsaken me...I am His beloved. He knows my name.
Monday, May 21, 2012
One by One
One by one they grow up. They make choices. They listen or they don't. They slip and slide down the road. And I have to just watch.
Our relationship with our girls is unique. We've been very honest with them about the "hot button" issues. Sex, drugs, adultery, divorce.....pretty much anything we thought would cause them harm or hurt. We've chatted with them about experiences we've had, told them ugly details. We've spoken LOTS of God's grace. If you ask our girls about this, they'll tell you we've talked TOO MUCH about it all! I guess we just want them to know how special they are and how many "foxes" lurk about. We are constantly telling the girls to have a plan to escape their plan. One plan isn't enough.
I wanted so much more for them than I ever had. Which is why we started talking when they were young. I wasn't going to miss anything. I was going to make sure they all KNEW everything I didn't. And I pray. A lot. I pray my pattern of sin stop with me. Guess what!......they still make mistakes. I'm not talking physical (intimate) ones. I'm talking in general. For some reason, I thought if we educated them on all things, they would make wise choices. Hmmmm. THEY MISSED THE MEMO! And sometimes, I just shake my head and wonder where we dropped the ball.
But we didn't. We have done our best, shouted til we're blue in the face. We have reiterated and spoken truth to them. We have prayed for them, loved them and shielded them. Now, it's up to them. We still have a few we can continue to "bubble wrap", but for the most part we have 2 3/4 adult children. (Chellsei, you're the 3/4)
Sometimes, I get really happy when other christian children mess up. Because then I know we are ok. I know that if their kid did it, ours must be alright. Please don't misunderstand....I never rejoice over a lost sheep or a sheep who is blatantly going against God. I just take heart and know that it's okay not to be perfect. And that it isn't a reflection on my relationship with the Lord. And that it's not because we did anything wrong, it's just that these daughters were created with their own minds. I know, I know.....that's shocking.
The hardest thing I've ever had to do as a mom is step back. I hate having to let them get hurt....but that helps them grow. Until they have children, they won't understand. I look forward to when they do.
One by One they grow up and get a life. I may not like it, but that's the way it goes.
Our relationship with our girls is unique. We've been very honest with them about the "hot button" issues. Sex, drugs, adultery, divorce.....pretty much anything we thought would cause them harm or hurt. We've chatted with them about experiences we've had, told them ugly details. We've spoken LOTS of God's grace. If you ask our girls about this, they'll tell you we've talked TOO MUCH about it all! I guess we just want them to know how special they are and how many "foxes" lurk about. We are constantly telling the girls to have a plan to escape their plan. One plan isn't enough.
I wanted so much more for them than I ever had. Which is why we started talking when they were young. I wasn't going to miss anything. I was going to make sure they all KNEW everything I didn't. And I pray. A lot. I pray my pattern of sin stop with me. Guess what!......they still make mistakes. I'm not talking physical (intimate) ones. I'm talking in general. For some reason, I thought if we educated them on all things, they would make wise choices. Hmmmm. THEY MISSED THE MEMO! And sometimes, I just shake my head and wonder where we dropped the ball.
But we didn't. We have done our best, shouted til we're blue in the face. We have reiterated and spoken truth to them. We have prayed for them, loved them and shielded them. Now, it's up to them. We still have a few we can continue to "bubble wrap", but for the most part we have 2 3/4 adult children. (Chellsei, you're the 3/4)
Sometimes, I get really happy when other christian children mess up. Because then I know we are ok. I know that if their kid did it, ours must be alright. Please don't misunderstand....I never rejoice over a lost sheep or a sheep who is blatantly going against God. I just take heart and know that it's okay not to be perfect. And that it isn't a reflection on my relationship with the Lord. And that it's not because we did anything wrong, it's just that these daughters were created with their own minds. I know, I know.....that's shocking.
The hardest thing I've ever had to do as a mom is step back. I hate having to let them get hurt....but that helps them grow. Until they have children, they won't understand. I look forward to when they do.
One by One they grow up and get a life. I may not like it, but that's the way it goes.
Monday, May 7, 2012
Not sure how to _______!
Please, fill in the blank. I have many words to fill it in with.
Not sure how to:
Think
Pray
Go forward
Not cry
Be happy
Be supportive
Smile
Grow
Move
As many know, Matty lost his job. I can't even talk to my friends without crying. Of course, this comes on the heel of Hillary getting married and Emily graduating. And to top it off, I have *healing* second degree burns on my hand. My right hand. Sigh.
To say it's been sucky is an understatement. I don't think we have any more than anyone else, it's just happened all at once. I go to bed ok, at peace and with an understanding that God has this. Come morning, I am a big ball of worry. The money is disappearing. Unemployment is not forthcoming. The girls have need of summer clothes. And, ACK, we're planning a wedding on a ZERO budget. Let's throw doctor bills in there just for fun. Wheeeeeeeee!
In conversation with a friend over her struggles, she stated that sometimes "It's even harder to go through trials as a Christian, with Christian brothers and sisters looking on." Sometimes, those same people say well meaning, but backhanded insulting, things. I already feel like it's my fault. I feel like we have made poor financial decisions, therefore we are reaping what we've sown. I feel like we "deserve" this. Perhaps there is some sin I haven't confessed, something I should be doing "better". Then maybe Matty would have a job. Unemployment would come. And the girls' needs would be met. Funny thing is, my friend said the same thing over a completely different subject. And isn't that skewed??! We both KNOW that God has this, we both KNOW that His plan is for our future and He will take care of us. But somewhere in the grand scheme, we feel there must be more we could/should be doing.
Yesterday was communion at church. And as I sat there and meditated on the words the pastor said, I realized I was trying to control the situation. And as I sat, I released it all. I let it go. In that moment I was reminded that He really DOES have this. There is nothing that is a surprise to Him. I held onto that thought, cleared my mind of all but Him and worshiping and praising Him and just believing. And then, I was needed. I take it very seriously when God says move. So move I did. I had some very sweet time with some very sweet women. Our situations are different, but oh so similar. Our love for the Lord wasn't less, our understanding the WHY of each scenario was befuddling. And as humans, we want the WHY. We want to know it all.
Maybe in a year, I'll look back at this season with joy. I'll see and remember all the ways God moved. Maybe in a week I'll be able to talk with a friend without tears. Maybe tomorrow Matty will have a new job. And maybe a purple spotted giraffe will waltz into my living room with an orange hippo. I don't know. But if I did, I would certainly try to control it.
Someone else asked me if we had received any blessings last week. I had to think. Really hard. Because in that moment, I couldn't think of a single one. Matty did. He told her about someone bringing us dinner. What a blessing that was. I don't want to miss any, don't want to be so focused on the WHY that I forget to stop and watch and be thankful. It's just a job.....
Not sure how to......
However you finish it, remember to hold tight. There is One who has it all. One who knows your/my name.....One who knows my/your heart....One who holds our tears and prays for us. What an awesome thought....what a mighty God.
Not sure how to:
Think
Pray
Go forward
Not cry
Be happy
Be supportive
Smile
Grow
Move
As many know, Matty lost his job. I can't even talk to my friends without crying. Of course, this comes on the heel of Hillary getting married and Emily graduating. And to top it off, I have *healing* second degree burns on my hand. My right hand. Sigh.
To say it's been sucky is an understatement. I don't think we have any more than anyone else, it's just happened all at once. I go to bed ok, at peace and with an understanding that God has this. Come morning, I am a big ball of worry. The money is disappearing. Unemployment is not forthcoming. The girls have need of summer clothes. And, ACK, we're planning a wedding on a ZERO budget. Let's throw doctor bills in there just for fun. Wheeeeeeeee!
In conversation with a friend over her struggles, she stated that sometimes "It's even harder to go through trials as a Christian, with Christian brothers and sisters looking on." Sometimes, those same people say well meaning, but backhanded insulting, things. I already feel like it's my fault. I feel like we have made poor financial decisions, therefore we are reaping what we've sown. I feel like we "deserve" this. Perhaps there is some sin I haven't confessed, something I should be doing "better". Then maybe Matty would have a job. Unemployment would come. And the girls' needs would be met. Funny thing is, my friend said the same thing over a completely different subject. And isn't that skewed??! We both KNOW that God has this, we both KNOW that His plan is for our future and He will take care of us. But somewhere in the grand scheme, we feel there must be more we could/should be doing.
Yesterday was communion at church. And as I sat there and meditated on the words the pastor said, I realized I was trying to control the situation. And as I sat, I released it all. I let it go. In that moment I was reminded that He really DOES have this. There is nothing that is a surprise to Him. I held onto that thought, cleared my mind of all but Him and worshiping and praising Him and just believing. And then, I was needed. I take it very seriously when God says move. So move I did. I had some very sweet time with some very sweet women. Our situations are different, but oh so similar. Our love for the Lord wasn't less, our understanding the WHY of each scenario was befuddling. And as humans, we want the WHY. We want to know it all.
Maybe in a year, I'll look back at this season with joy. I'll see and remember all the ways God moved. Maybe in a week I'll be able to talk with a friend without tears. Maybe tomorrow Matty will have a new job. And maybe a purple spotted giraffe will waltz into my living room with an orange hippo. I don't know. But if I did, I would certainly try to control it.
Someone else asked me if we had received any blessings last week. I had to think. Really hard. Because in that moment, I couldn't think of a single one. Matty did. He told her about someone bringing us dinner. What a blessing that was. I don't want to miss any, don't want to be so focused on the WHY that I forget to stop and watch and be thankful. It's just a job.....
Not sure how to......
However you finish it, remember to hold tight. There is One who has it all. One who knows your/my name.....One who knows my/your heart....One who holds our tears and prays for us. What an awesome thought....what a mighty God.
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