Whirlwinds

 It's been a bit. And life has changed. 

Over the past couple years, I've learned that you can grieve living children, that it's okay to not be okay and that life is going to move on, no matter what. 

It's been almost 2 years since we've seen precious family. Slowly, without explanation or conversation,  they just stopped being a part of us. All of us. (Dad, mom and sisters) I'm sure the boys are growing but, for me, time has stopped. In my mind, they look like they did the last time I saw them. And I'm left praying for reconciliation, knowing that God's timing is always perfect. Knowing that He sees them and I don't have to know the why of it. But it's hard, this not knowing. For a long time, I blamed myself. I examined everything I ever did as a mother. I always came up lacking in my head. God has been so good to clear that up for me. It's not about me. I still cry sometimes....and that's okay. 

The losses seemed to be heavy in 2022. We left our church, friendships changed, and sorrow was a continually felt emotion. We had to figure out what we looked like now, who were we without some of the we. We had to figure out what church looked like for us and what God wanted us to do with Him. We mourned relationships, sought healing with good friends and found joy in small things. We reveled in intimate moments, joyful laughter and stronger  friendships. God has been so very gracious to us and we are thankful.

2023 was a slow one, taking our time and allowing God's presence to wash over us. We recognized that our time is precious and we were a bit more selfish with it. The ache in my heart softened to a gentleness I didn't think could happen. I still missed them; I just knew that God was constantly working and moving. He sees the things I don't need to. We stepped back into a church building, followed where He said to be and allowed Him to guide and lead. We grieved the loss of our sweet Whisper girl. 

The sorrow doesn't wash over me the same anymore. I'm a bit more emotional as we get closer to her birthday; I just let myself feel it and pray for her and them. We moved Harley to Florida to work at the mouse house and we just got a puppy. She's an Aussie/Retriever named Mabel. We're still figuring out where God may want us to be as far as church goes. The days feel more normal, the moments not colored by things I can't change or control. 

2022 was a hard season. 2023 was a season of trying to understand and letting God bring healing. 2024 is a year of joy, knowing His goodness and mercy follow me all the days of my life. God is good all the time....even in the things I don't get to understand. 

I'm resting in Him today, leaning into His promises. Settling into His arms. 

"For it is He who delivers you from the snare of the trapper
And from the deadly pestilence.
4 He will cover you with His pinions,
And under His wings you may seek refuge;
His faithfulness is a shield and bulwark."

Psalm 91:3-4

A letter to my daughters.

On the night I got broken open, I felt like I would die. I could not breathe. My heart longed for easier days, younger days. Days when I was all you needed, all you wanted. Days of laughing late into the night, days of playing "taxi", days of boyfriend meet and greets, days of getting ready for dances, movie nights and a full house. I love you every day, all the time, all your life and mine. 

 I mourn those days. 

 I knew life couldn't be like that always. I knew that those sweet little girls, with their individual spirits and minds, would grow up. Gone are the impish smiles, the lit up face when you looked at Dad or me. Gone are the quiet talks, the shed tears on my shoulder. Gone are the moments that only you and I would share, each one individual and special. I loved you every day, all the time, all your life and mine.

 I knew I would fail you. I knew, someday, you would tell me all about how I did it. A harsh word. One less picture. A nosy question. A stepped over boundary. The desire to know the truth. The moments I forgot, the moments I was too busy. That time I missed a presentation, an important meeting or appointment. The human moment where I yelled and caused emotional wounds. And I knew all these things would be wrapped up in how you think I love you. How favored you are or not. I loved you every day, all the time, all your life and mine.

 Here's a secret. It has nothing to do with any of it. Sometimes, I was overwhelmed. Sometimes, I needed to breathe and couldn't figure out how. Sometimes, I needed the chaos of a full house to drown out the voice that told me I wasn't worthy. I loved you every day, all the time, all your life and mine. I was louder than you because you went to 100 when I was at 10. I couldn't take a moment to chat because my hands were in egg, milk and flour as I breaded chicken. I tried to hear you, someone else was louder. I didn't understand why you were upset that you couldn't be downstairs, you were too young. I'm sorry they got mad at you for being the youngest. I'm sorry I was a different mom when you were born; I learned a lot in 12 years. I loved you every day, all the time, all your life and mine. 

 Some of you think I'm mean, terrible and awful. I've heard it lately. Some of you question my belief in the Lord. Because, pregnant at 2 weddings and such. Pregnant at 3 weddings, dear one. Owned every ounce of sin involved. It's my sinful past...forgiven and forgotten by God, how dare YOU throw it back at me. I loved you every day, all the time, all your life and mine. 

 You girls think that just because your certain ages now, you "should" be a different way. Shouldn't lean on mom. Shouldn't need mom. Or you've replaced me with what you deem a more "worthy" version. You're wrong. I'm your mom. And if I, at 49 still need MY mom, why couldn't you need yours? I don't expect the relationship to stay the same. I expect it to grow. For us to laugh at new things, talk differently about sex, have movie nights, date days/nights, late night phone calls or even an "I love you, Mom" text. Instead, I get crickets. When I ask, I'm told to get you some dates....I do and nothing comes of it. My question is, why do I have to ask. Why can't you ask? Why can't you reach out? Why can't you call me....text me. Hear and UNDERSTAND this: I KNOW you are adults. I KNOW you have lives, jobs, children etc. I do NOT expect you to drop everything to be available all the time. What I hope for is a "Let's go to lunch mom." or an "I love you mom" or a "Hey mom, want to have a movie night?" or "Let's get together to play a game." As the days pass, my heart breaks a little bit more.

 I couldn't, if I tried, stop loving you. It doesn't matter if you've yelled things at me that hurt, or said things to sibling that you won't take accountability for. It doesn't matter that you favor dad, even though I carried you, birthed you, nursed you and loved you. He was there. It doesn't even matter that you say terrible things about me and won't honor me enough to talk TO ME about them. What's more, you see nothing wrong with what you say. The words hurt, the threats hurt, the angry looks hurt. And my heart breaks a bit more. I will never condone sinful choices. We say our piece. We get smoke and mirrors back. Make a decision. Stand on your hill. Choose to die there, if you must. BUT OWN IT. We won't stop speaking biblical truth into your lives; we love you all too much. We want so much more for you guys. We want to help you find the perfect house, the best school for children, the perfect wedding venue. All while speaking truth....and loving you. We just want time. With you, each of you, alone. Time with you and the "other" in your life. You and the littles that bring such joy to all who see them. You can't use distance as an excuse, video chat is a balm to my soul. 

 I love our grandchildren. I love our sons in law. I love the man who will be married into the family; God says to. I love my parents. I love your dad. I love God the most. But you 6, you glorious gifts given to ME by God, I LOVE YOU, EVERY DAY, ALL THE TIME, ALL YOUR LIFE AND MINE. Someday, the all your life or mine will be over. Is this how you want it to be? Stretched thin, pretending behind a facade, the moments fraught with tenseness and lost time because of pride? Not me. That is not what I want, and I don't believe it's what God wants. He wants what's good for us, and the way it's been, that is NOT good of any kind. 

 My dearest, my darlings....I love you. Reach out. To me, to each other. Tomorrow isn't promised....is today how you want to live? 

 It is an honor for a man to keep aloof from strife, but every fool will be quarreling. Proverbs 20:2-4

Growing Up

Well. 2020 is proving to be more exciting than 2019. And I'm not talking about my Disneyland trip in February with my parents. Although, I also went to Universal Studios and rode the new Jurassic Park ride.

I'm most definitely talking about Covid_19 and all the joys of isolating. Honestly, not much changed for me. I'm a SAHM...at home anyways. Plus, Little Bit home schools. No difference there! It was hard not seeing the grands; Idaho has since "re-opened" so I've seen and snuggled all FOUR! In a couple short weeks, we open the fireworks booth. For the first few months lasting forever, time seems to be moving quicker now!

I've had a lot of time to reflect and think. Which took me back to my childhood.

I grew up poor. We lived outside a small town. Our water was from a natural spring, we didn't have central heat and my dad hunted for our food (I WON'T eat game now). We owned a pizza place in the small town. I either worked, watched my younger sister or went out with a myriad of boys. The thing is, I didn't realize we were poor until we got a food box. My mom was very creative at Christmas...once she wrapped every present (not many) and put them in a larger wrapped box. I always knew my clothes weren't quite right, we shopped at Goodwill (that's so popular now! I still struggle with it) and didn't have much money for extras. I never had name brand clothes...but boy, did I want them! In the 80's, it was all about those names! (and, sometimes, it STILL is! Judging people by the name on clothing or accessories...tsk, tsk.) It just never clicked that we were poor.

I was always looking for a way out. Someone to "save" me, to love me, to carry the weight of all my sorrow. I hated that small town. And, honestly, I've never been back since 1990. I cringe inside myself when I think of going back there. I honestly believed if I got married, everything would change. I ended up pregnant at 17 and married at the same age. Funnily enough, we had actually left that small town when I was 16. Who knew?

At 47, I see things so much differently. Not about the town or how I feel about growing up there. I see MYSELF differently. I see how I didn't NEED someone to complete me because God already did. We put so many expectations in humans. We want them to fill voids, to be a rescuer, to provide security. Yet...while they may be able to do those things SOME of the time...they just really can't. Please don't misunderstand: I'm not sorry I got pregnant at 17. I'm not sorry I wrote the love stories that resulted in ANY of our children. I firmly believe He created them on purpose for HIS purpose!

If I could tell my young self anything, it would be this: He loves you. He is for you. You are WORTHY! REST.

We aren't wealthy by any means. We've worked hard to pay off debt, we've utilized food stamps and medicaid. We've also worked very hard to instill in our girls that the name on your clothes isn't what makes you worthy. I've been very blessed to be able to go to my "happy place" quite often...what people don't know is that those trips are often gifted! Really, though, it isn't anyone's business.

We all have stories. We all come from somewhere. Tell me yours.



God sees you. God is for you. God loves you. You are worthy. REST.

Year in Review

I can not believe it's 2020. I'm hoping this is a banner year! In the meantime, let's review 2019.

This time last year, we were planning and excited about our trip to Italy. Before Europe, Matt and I had an adventure with my parents...California! Disneyland, Universal Studios and Knott's Berry Farm make for a busy but FUN trip! We drove down and back! I drove across the country with my sister-in-law. Got to see the Billy Graham museum and meet some sweet sisters in the P31 family! That was a blessing to be sure!

Traveling to Europe was by far a most amazing experience. S, H and I arrived in Italy (Matt flew separately), stayed overnight at K and T's then headed off to Venice. From there we took an overnight train to Munich. I LOVED Germany! It was beautiful, the people were nice and the food was good. We flew out that night to Ireland, where we spent 3 nights in a little village outside Dublin. As much as I LOVED Germany, I LOVED LOVED Ireland! The food was great, S had her first drink, the Air BnB had a couple of dogs that the girls could play with and Matt got to drive fast on the OTHER side of the road! After our whirlwind trip, back to Italy we went. Where we spent Matt's last day exploring a cavern. 500 steps down=500 steps up. Whew! The girls and I had a week left...we spent it exploring Venice, went to the ocean (soft sand and crazy sea shells), enjoying the small village T and K live close to and eating all the food. Gelato EVERY day!

Getting home, we quickly prepared for Savannah's graduation and party! *joint with her very good friend* It was literally the weekend after we got home. Shortly after, S left for McCall for her summer job. H followed soon after, spending a couple weeks working and 1 as a camper. Matt and I were ALONE. It was nice.

July rolled around with fireworks, as usual. That's always a busy time and after it's over, I feel like time goes faster. Head into fall and school begins, S moves back home after one job to begin another. Halloween, Thanksgiving and shopping take place. Matt began a new job at the local VA hospital. Sometime, during all the chaos, a Disneyland trip was planned. Just 3 girls: S, Emily and myself. Thanks to our girls and some dear friends, my trip cost next to nothing! What a joyous time...full of fun, sweet memories and FOOD! Christmas was happening when we got back....cookies, movies and REST on the agenda.

It's kind of funny. I have this idea that we're never busy. That we never have anything to do. And sure, there are those times...but really, we are always having an adventure. And God is right there. I see His hand, His authorship over my life. There were some not great things that happened, too. Things that hurt, things that cause growth, boundaries that were set. The puzzle shifted. Those things are His, too.

Jeremy, Hillary and girls are good. Those girls are something else, that's for sure!
Emily is dating a nice guy and working at the hospital. She's adulting very well.
Cody, Chellsei and Q are thriving...Q will be a big brother come April.
Tim and Kaily are on to the next adventure! Can't wait to see them again!
Savannah is currently a nanny. She loves it! Her future holds college and jumping into what God has in store.
Harley is still a junior in high school. Let me have this one! She continues to follow the Lord and shines bright.
Murphy is getting old, Whisper isn't as lick-y.
Matt and I are well...it's a good thing we like each other! Grown up kids= Time with just us. It's different, but good.

I am reminded, as I head into 2020, that God is good all the time and all the time God is good.

2020, you have a heck of a predecessor. Can't wait to see what God has in store.

The "UN"invitation

Remember in grade school how exciting it was to get an invitation to a party? Remember how it felt if you DIDN'T get the invitation? Just me? Okay, I'll roll with it.

I thought as an adult, it would be different. It's not. I turn right back into that little girl when people are talking about the fun party they attended. That I wasn't invited to. And my heart hurts. Because, I thought I was friends with this person. I thought, if we weren't friends, we were on our way there. And...I'm 6.

As children, we understand the not being invited. But it's easier to get diverted from the knowing. As an adult, it's much harder. You realize that you were not, in fact, invited. I wonder if men struggle like this? They seem to go through life much easier. A slap on the back and a "See ya". Wish I could do that. Instead, I'm stuck here...in uninvited land.

I did a bible study by Lysa TerKeurst called "Uninvited". Boy, did I need it at the exact moment it came into my life! Through that study, I came to realize that wherever I was, at any given moment, I was invited by God to be there. That no matter what other invitations I DIDN'T get, I was invited by Him to be where I was. That's pretty strong. Sadly, I'm human....prone to human feelings and human hurts....and the pain that comes with the "un"invitation.

I'm trying. I'm trying to be a grown up. I'm trying to see the people that might be on the fringes of my own circle. *I have one; it's small* I don't want anyone to feel like they're not the "right" type of person, like they're not important, like they aren't worthy. I've felt (and sometimes, feel) that way. Everyone wants an invitation. And in our human nature, we want it from peers.

As a believer, I believe in the body of Christ. I believe that we need to rally around, draw strength from and support one another. I believe we should love (this is SO HARD for me!) others, even if we don't think they're lovable. AND...we should extend an invite. Into our homes, our hearts and lives. I've gotten away from that. I've been the not inviter.

You're invited. Come have dinner, let's chat a while. Let's have coffee and cry a bit. Let's pray together. And let's remember, that no matter what you're NOT invited to, the Lord has invited you to be right where you are....no matter where you are.

What a Wonderful World

Hi! I realized it's been almost a year since I've written. Over here, life is good. It's settled down since the "great back surgery" year. We HAVE (just Matt and I) gone to Disneyland...with my parents. Plus, we hit Universal Studios and Knott's Berry Farm. It was a busy 12 days. We're gearing up for Italy in less than a month. I'm SO excited! I'm still volunteering with Proverbs 31 Ministries and LOVING it. I LOVE being part of this ministry...the relationships I've built, the studies I've led...My heart is full.

But...can I just be honest? I'm lonely sometimes. And I'm not always sure how to step past that. I know part of it is me. I also know part of it is the rest of the world.

God has invited me to be in the exact place I am at any given minute. (learned *and held on to* that doing the "Uninvited" study by Lysa TerKeurst) Yet, sometimes, it's lonely.

Leading the studies I've led, I've learned to be more at peace with where I am. Yet...I'm only human! I've found that women like to put on their "Sunday Face". You ask how someone is and they say fine as they breeze by. And there you are, heart hurting and wondering why YOU'RE not fine. Because it sure does seem like the rest of the world has it together and you're broken like always, stuck in your messy middle. It's lonely there. Guess what I learned in the last study I did? God specializes in the broken. God creates from our dust....AND He knows about our 'messy middles'.

I've learned, from leading, that we need to share our messy more. Your messy won't look like mine *or part of it might!* and that's okay. Sharing isn't being stuck. And if it does look similar, we can talk about that. You aren't alone...neither am I. We shouldn't have to feel alone. We shouldn't have to feel lonely.

It's a wonderful, complex, sometimes scary world we live in. I want to rally with you. I want to cry, laugh and just sit in comfortable silence with you. I want to ease your hurting heart, hear your anger and commiserate with your joy/sadness.

Please understand, I KNOW that God is the only relationship I NEED. He is the lover of my soul, my Lord and my Savior. He can fill every void. Yet...I believe He wants us to fill space around others. I think He wants us to be vulnerable, open and crumbled together. He doesn't want any of us to be lonely.

So, let's not be lonely. Let's have coffee, do lunch, chat about nothing. Let's love each other, let's be vulnerable. Let's pray together. Let's help each other through the hard things and not forget when it gets better that we're still needed.

God is good, all the time. See you soon-ish.

Real Life

If you were to look on my social media pages, you would see lots of pictures of smiling people. People in Disneyland, people with arms wrapped around each other in loving hugs, people gazing into each others eyes with joy. You would see a tidy clean house, food made pretty, a large family gathered around playing games. Is that real life? You bet! Is it ALWAYS real life? Not a chance.

I was sitting on my couch, watching my favorite show. Out of the corner of my eye, I caught a glimpse of a pair of Snow White dress up shoes. On my orange bench. Where they do NOT belong. I seriously considered putting them away. I didn't. What I thought next is that I need to snap a picture and post it. That's REAL life. Toys not put away, folded (at least it's folded) laundry on my dining table. Miscellaneous items strewn about my countertop (which has been re-done...for the official record!) and baby items willy nilly on the floor.

We tend to only post the good. The things that put us in the right light, things that make it seem like life is just peachy. But...what if it's not? What if, at those family game nights, there is a tremendous fight? What if the tidy house picture is taken in the ONLY spot that is clean? What if every other plate of food looks terrible?? We let our moments be defined by what "looks" good. We show those because the alternative is raw, emotional and defenseless.

Real life doesn't happen with roses and sunshine. Real life is in the trenches....when kids fight, the baby won't sleep, when you're threatened by someone else's relationship with someone you love, when money is tight and it seems to be "raining" every day. Real life is hitting the floor with your knees, crying out to God to get you through one more day, please let the baby sleep, please provide, please...please....please. Real life is fighting with your spouse, being sad because you don't have one, crying because you're far from home, being angry because someone let you down. Real life is vulnerable.

Real life is also busy...we really do volunteer at functions, we have been to Disneyland twice in 6 months, we sold fireworks for a week, our girls go to camp...one as a counselor. What you don't see is the exhaustion, the long gaps between attending church, the not spending time with each other, the missed snuggles and the fights because we feel distant. Real life is knowing you have this moment...don't waste it. Real life is remembering that people are more important than things...really remembering! Real life is loving others, even when we don't have the "want" to. Real life is a simple touch, a pat on the back, truly listening, laughing at the big and little things. Real life is a quiet night at home or a boisterous game night. Real life is caring when they're sick, holding your tongue and crying when they cry. Real life is.....real.

I'm going to try to be more real. I'm a pretty open book anyway, but I'm going to be more. Maybe if I am, someone else will be too. Maybe if we all are a little more real, we can take strength from each other.

I didn't put the Snow White shoes away. They're still sitting there. Real life is knowing the sweet grandgirl who wears them will be over again soon. Enjoy this life, friends.

Oh What a Wonderful World

Everywhere you look, it seems this world is falling apart. There is constant strife in politics, war breaks out at a moments notice, hunger is still an issue and children are killing children. Yet....babies are born. Breath fills my body. The sun continues to rise. There are adventures to be had at the drop of a hat and joy to be found.

I'm doing a study on 1 John right now. It's based in how God loves us and how we should love others. It's been very convicting and very good. I didn't realize how much I let my own hurts dictate how I love others. I thought I was doing it right, thought I was loving well. It's not that I wasn't...it's that I was picky on WHO I showed love to.

It's right in His word. "Love your neighbor as yourself." (Matthew 22:39) And guess who my neighbor is! You. The guy across the street. The frustrated mom in the grocery store. That one person that I deem unlovable because of the way they hurt me a while back. The person who has it all together; I figured they didn't need my love as they have it all together!

While I've been studying 1 John, there have been some tragic things to happen in this world. People are divided, arguing over what is right and what isn't. But me...well, I have peace. I know that nothing happens in this world that God isn't aware of. I know that there is an enemy who has been allowed to roam, cause chaos all over. I know that even he has been overcome by the Almighty. I know that, while things may look scary, God truly is in control. And I know He loves me. And I know He loves you.

There are small things that happen every day. My grandson's smile. My husband arriving safely after work and kissing me hello. Our girls enjoying K's company while she's still here...the laughter that rings through the house brings much joy. Sharing movies with the girls that we have memories of from our youth. Going to dinner with his parents, my parents and friends. The sun shining while it snows, the rain sounds my home mini makes, our granddaughters very different personalities. All six girls at home. My small group ladies. My supportive team leader and group. The word of God that never returns void. The love and grace that God so graciously extends...even when I don't extend it myself. Our church family. And SO MUCH MORE.

I'm continuing to work on loving and I'm praying I don't get complacent when this study is over. I want to be the woman God has called me to be. I want to be a bright spot in this wonderful world.

This world isn't perfect. It hasn't been since the fall so many years ago. But there is hope. And promises. If you know Him, I encourage you to read His word. Take heart and comfort in knowing this world is overcome. If you don't know Him, I pray you will come to know Him. He is for you.

Take care, friends. Find the small things and enjoy them!

Happy New Year

It's a New Year. A blank canvas for God to paint on. Last year is in the rear view mirror, fading fast. While there are things that happened that won't be forgotten, this whole New Year stretches out before us, waiting to unfold.

We capped off our "experience" year with a trip to Disneyland. It was magical, traumatic, fun and (at times) full of irritation. Harley got sick, I had one break down and, thank goodness, Matt did great! Overall, it was a wonderful trip. We rode all the rides, ate all the food and just enjoyed the time with our girls. It was a perfect ending to our not so perfect year.

It's funny, right, how you start off a New Year with a "Plan"? Last year, we planned our "experience" year. Ha! While we did a lot of the things, some of them were done without Matt. We certainly didn't "Plan" TWO back surgeries. We didn't plan on PTO/ESL running out. We didn't plan Matt sitting at our kitchen table for two months. We didn't plan on buying a new car. We didn't even plan the trip to Disneyland! That was a BONUS!!

Our plans for last year....torn up and tossed away. We learned to take the moments as they came. We learned to roll with the punches. We learned that, while it might not look like what we wanted, it was exactly what God had planned. We learned to trust and lean on Him fully. We learned that Matt is special...4% special. We learned that we are stronger together than we thought. We learned that our girls are stronger than we knew. We learned that time doesn't wait.

Grasp this time, friends. It may not look like what you thought it would, but it's YOURS. Slow down, sit a while and soak up those around you. It's so easy to be overwhelmed by what is happening...we often forget to enjoy the moments.

This is a whole New Year. A giant, empty slate. This Year....every day a new day. Every day a blessing from God, even if it doesn't "feel" like it. Every day, surrounded by a Father who loves more than I ever could.

We have tentatively planned this year to be our "Explore Idaho" year. We'll see.

Grasp God, friends. His hand is outstretched. He loves you.

Happy New Year.

It's Already Christmas??!

Wow! For a year that seemed to drag on, I can't believe it's Christmas time!

Last Saturday, we decided to go cut down our own Christmas tree. It was an experience, let me tell you! After driving completely the WRONG way, we found a tree. It's a pretty great tree, but very poky. After we cut down said tree, we followed the map. Which led us to the BACKSIDE of all things main road. We traveled a dirt, pot-hole filled road for what seemed like EVER. And after we finally hit pavement again....our tree decided to kamikaze half way off our car! It was an adventure, for sure.

After that start to our Christmas season, I thought I'd write this blog. Ha!

We set out to make this the "Experience" year. Little did we know what kind of things were coming!

I'll give a quick re-cap:

Harley: Going to a small alternative school. She really likes it. Her artistic talent is growing and we are constantly amazed by what she can do. She continues to tell others about God, even when it makes them uncomfortable. This is her first time in a main stream high school. It can be nerve wracking. She went on the mission trip to Washington this year; lives are changed through those! We are excited to see how God continues to write her story. She's a blessing and a joy!

Savannah: What can I say about this girl??! She chose to spend her 17th birthday volunteering at a concert. The band booth she volunteered at sang "Happy Birthday" to her. That was fun! She's doing well in her online schooling and is taking college courses. She went on the mission trip to Washington and, as always, enjoyed it. Right now, she wants to travel with the christian bands after she graduates in 2018. We're praying that happens. She still wants to run a christian camp; she's making connections and showing so much growth! It's an honor to be her parents!!

Kaily: Here while T isn't. They moved to Italy in the beginning of this year. She misses Germany. Her and T came to visit this summer. It was a fun time! (shadowed by Matt's back issues; more on that later) We got to know T better and that was good. She is happy to be here, but would rather be with him! Of course, she'd love to have all her people in one space. Someday, I'm sure that will happen! I'm happy she's here....it's nice to have all 6 girls around for Christmas!

Chellsei: She had a BABY! He's a sweet little one! Cody is working at a great job with benefits. They're now trying to figure out married life AND parenthood. Can not wait to see the adventures God is writing for this little family!

Emily: Working at the hospital. She works nights and weekends...lots of differential there. She moved into her place and promptly received my parents cats. Homer is a bit of a rascal and Waffles likes to be tucked into bed. Emily is still figuring out single, adult life. I wonder if any of us "adults" really have it figured out??!

Hillary: Raising those 2 girls! Reyasunshine just turned 5! and Sweet Piper just turned 3. Jeremy has a job in the healthcare industry and seems to really enjoy it. They are pet-less. Except for a fish Savannah bought R on an Aunt Ti-Ti date. Yes, Hillary LOVED that....HA!

I've recently started volunteering at Proverbs 31 ministries and I LOVE it. It's been amazing how God has used the studies that I lead to speak to my heart. I've met some amazing women and can't wait to continue in this exciting venture!

Matt is doing amazingly better. I still watch him carefully, but we both feel he is well on his way to complete recovery. Our marriage has been strengthened and we are more committed to each other than ever!

We've gone to multiple concerts, explored different back roads (not on purpose), went to the fair and just enjoyed each other. We've cried, we've laughed, we've yelled and just lived. We've learned, given more of ourselves than we thought possible and just mindlessly moved through our days. We've leaned on one another, pushed away from each other and truly, just loved.

God is so good all the time. I know nothing has unfolded without His hand holding us.

As we go into this final season of 2017, I encourage you to enjoy the adventure God has written for you. Regardless what may come your way, He loves you and is holding you. You are His great adventure; He delights in you.

Merry Christmas, friends....much love.

SO Thankful

This Thanksgiving week, I have a lot to be thankful for. If you had asked me this summer, I might've had a different thought. It's sometimes hard to be thankful in the middle of life happening.

But...here it is! My thankful blog...and the top 10 (or so) things!

Things I'm thankful for:

1) My husband. The way he can walk. The way he takes care of us. The way he loves me.

2) Daughters et all.

3) Grandchildren: Reya, Piper and Quintinius. They bring such joy to this Nanie's heart!

4) A warm house

5) A car that runs

6) Disneyland

7) Sons-in-law

8) Spider killing spray

9) A new fence

10)Food

11) Friends who texted encouraging words during Matt's recovery...every week.

12) P31 ministries

And God. Always God. Without Him, there would be no survival. He is so good all the time!

Enjoy your holiday, friends. He loves you.

Falling after Summer

The summer is finally over. And I am so very glad. It was a heck of a summer.

Matt went down about June. As he sat at our dining table or leaned on our counter, I found myself alone. I did things with the girls, alone. I cleaned house, picked up his "chores"...alone. I slept alone. As his pain increased and his movement decreased, my heart hardened. I got angry. Not at him, at the situation and all the ways I couldn't make it better. We had visitors from far away lands and,still, I was alone.

I prayed. I believed and expected a miracle. I cried. I yelled and whispered. I took care of everyone. And it seemed like no one took care of me. Matt got worse, I got more "wall" like. I couldn't talk about any of it...I had to be strong for those around me. Me time was a thing of the past. It was hard to see my strong husband so weak. And it was hard for him to be weak. It was hard for him to see me so alone, to stay home as we went out and about and did things he couldn't be a part of. He was alone.

Then Matt had his first surgery. He rebounded well. Life began to look normal. And then....it didn't. He went down again. And this time, I did get mad at him. I knew it wasn't his fault; I was just angry. My birthday came and went; the trip we planned was taken without him. People told me to remember the miracle God had already worked...I did remember. That didn't make this setback easier!

Matt had his second surgery and I am happy to report, as we head into fall, that he is much better. I look him over every day, almost expecting the "other shoe" to drop. I think this time, it's different. I am praying consistently for whole healing.


I recently had the honor of leading an online bible study small group and I tell you....it was much needed! Every word I read was as if it were written for me. And guess what! The next study I get the honor of leading is about anxiety. It always amazes me how God taps into my heart.

I know (and knew) that God has Matt. I know His hand touched Him and healed him. I know He continues to bring him healing....I know He has a plan for Matt that is beyond what we can see. I am so very thankful that his job is waiting for him and thankful that God has placed people in our lives that helped with heavy lifting while Matt was/is healing. I am thankful that I had friends I could say things to and have them bounce them back at me. I'm very thankful for steady surgeon hands. I am thankful for sweet texts from a sweet, encouraging friend. They came regularly and always when I needed them most.

Things are returning to normal. They're slowly heading back into "usual". Chellsei's baby is due in November, right around the corner. Kaily is visiting for a bit. Our sweet Reyasunshine is having a birthday next week. And come December, we are visiting the Mouse House.

It seems like this year has lasted a lifetime. Looking back over the summer, I can see where God answered prayer. Where His hand touched us and took care. I can see where He held back and see where He bottled my tears.

Looking back, I was never really alone.

The birthday trip: time with my dad I would never have had.

Visitors from afar: realizing how we truly have become family.

Picking up his chores: appreciating how much he really does for us

His second surgery: answered prayer. I had asked God that if he was going to have another surgery, that it would be known and done quickly. It was.


God, in His infinite wisdom, has grown me. He has given moments to cry over. Moments to laugh over and moments to learn from. He has blessed me with memories specific to this year, things that will stick and things we can hold onto. I am more for it.

It was difficult being a single parent, the "banker", the heavy and trying to make sure Matt was ok. It was a long, hard summer. But summer is over.

Welcome, Fall. Let's be friends.

Six Leasure Girls

Good Morning! I write to you fresh off the 4th of July firework selling madness! It was a looooong 10 days; I'm still not fully recovered.

Yesterday, I was overjoyed to take C to her sonogram appointment. I got to see our sweet grandbaby, all it's sweet, knit by God, parts. It's amazing to me how God does that. Also, we found out the gender. That is their story to tell...be on the lookout!

What joy it is to see your baby, look at the 4 chambers of the heart, the curve of the spine. That quick peek to know if you're buying pink or blue. (I'm traditional, what can I say?) When I was pregnant with Hillary, technology wasn't the same as today. In fact, I don't even think I knew she was a girl until she was born. All subsequent pregnancies, I found out the gender. My mom had told me that whatever my first baby was, that was the only gender I would have. She was right.

In conversation, people often ask how many children we have. When they find out, the next question is boys, girls or both? When they find out it's all girls, they sigh. What follows is "I feel so bad for your husband!" or "Were you trying for a boy?" or worse yet, "Hopefully your next one is a boy!". I always laugh it off and Matty always follows with an explanation that he grew up with all sisters, he loves having all girls. But, sometimes, it leaves me with a nagging thought that I failed.

Boys are so celebrated. There is a thought that after having girls and finally having a boy, you have somehow succeeded. You have somehow risen above and FINALLY gotten the gold. If your first child is a boy, there seems to be a consensus that your life is complete. Someone to carry on the family name, someone to "take over the farm". There is a thought that boys should have a different set of rules. There is a misconception that girls are less than. I beg to differ.

Let me clear up a few things:

-There is NOT more drama in our house....we are a family. All families have drama. It is not increased because of the gender of the majority.

-Our girls can out eat boys. Our grocery bill isn't less because we don't have boys.

-I wouldn't know if boys are easier. I've never had one. That's like asking if I wish I had octopus tentacles. Plus, I don't really care that you think boys are easier.

-No, we weren't trying for a boy. After our 4th child, a boy wasn't on the radar and honestly...I WOULDN'T KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH ONE!

-Our bathroom is probably cleaner than one with a boy. But sometimes, it might be the same.

-Our girls are strong.

-We watch all kinds of movies. Just because we're girl heavy doesn't mean we're all rom-com over here.

-Our girls were knit together by the Almighty. Knit by His mighty hand with His purpose for their lives intact. Why are you sorry they're here??

-Our girls enjoy sports, mud and some even like bugs.

-Matty is honored to be their father. He gets to dance with each one at their wedding; he loves being their Daddy.

-No, he doesn't sit on the porch with a shot gun. We have raised God loving/honoring girls. We trust them. Plus, we're vigilant about who they're with and what they're doing. If you have a boy, do you sit on the porch until he gets home? No? Good.

-Not all of our girls like shoes, clothes, make up. And that's ok.




Don't be sorry they're all girls, celebrate with me that we get to be a part of their raising. Cry with me when they wander, rejoice with me when they return. Pray with me for their future and the stories that God is unfolding. Love with me when the great things happen....and when the sad things overtake. God has created each one, just like our grandbaby. He knit them together in my womb, knew them before the beginning of time and (this is important) PLANNED them! He knew their names....He planned for them to be born. Who am I to question His plan?? I don't...I just love them.

I am excited for Chellsei and Cody to become parents. Excited to watch our sweet grandbaby grow and learn and love. I'm excited for Reya and Piper to be cousins. I'm excited for T & K to eventually have kiddos. Excited to watch Emily, S and Harley's stories unfurl as God intended. Whether we have all grandgirls or some grandsons sprinkled in, what an honor to get to be involved. What joy to know that they were planned and created by a loving God!

My name is Erin. I'm 44 years old. I'm the wife of Matty, mother of 6 Leasure girls. Grandmother to 3. Mother to 3 sweet son-in-loves. The daughter of the One, true King!

Enjoy your day, friends. Hug your children and love your adventures!

Transparent

Good Morning! As I write this, I'm sitting on my bed with my dog. And his toy. Matty has already left for his duty as the Sound Man for church today. The house is quiet after our long night out. We went to a Bastille concert, waited around after until almost midnight and met the band. It always amazes me how God truly honors hearts, as He honored sweet Harley's wish to meet them. The things you think might not matter....those matter to the King of kings!

It's it crazy how we think we can hide things? In reality, everything is seen. We, as humans, think we hide actions, thoughts and even our disobedient hearts. We put up walls around ourselves and think no one can see. We do things under cover of night, in secret in the day. We justify things based on our feelings. Guess what! God sees you/me!We are completely transparent before Him. No hiding. He sees the sorrow we put ourselves into...He longs to restore us!

I have recently met a young mother who found out her husband had an app on his phone. Yup, one of THOSE apps. Automatically, she believes it's her fault. Maybe she's not pretty enough, maybe she's not thin enough, maybe she's not having sex with him enough. Maybe, Maybe, Maybe. He feels bad. Says he deserves to have pain in his life. They go to a pastor to seek counseling.

And this is where I struggle. He tells them that they DO need to have more relations. That that IS part of the problem....and that it's HER responsibility. WHAT?? His sin is NOT her fault. Why is it that when people sin, there's justification as to why it's ok? More importantly, how do I convince this young woman that her husband has to take accountability....that, while intimacy is important, it could've been the same outcome if they'd been intimate 5 times a day??!

I know how. I pray. I pray for God to give her wisdom and clarity. I pray for her husband to get help, Godly counsel and to be transparent. I pray her wounded heart heal and his would truly love his wife. I pray God's peace for their young family, and joy past all this sorrow.

Being transparent is hard. It's easy to put up a shield, let people only see the "Sunday" you. The "Everything is great!" you. I've tried desperately to be transparent in my life, in this blog. I am a sinner, saved by God's grace. ONLY by His grace. There is nothing else. The me you guys read is the me I am at home. We need to open up. We need to show our transparent selves to the people in our lives. Imagine how we could love and support each other knowing the things we try to hide.

You all know my past. (if you've read all my blogs anyways) And the truth is, by me putting it out there, others have come to me. They've come to say they've struggled with similar things. What a relief to know I'm not alone!

Now, I'm not saying you have to share all the dirt. That is between you and God. What I AM suggesting is that you pray about it. You know that uncomfortable niggle that God gives when He wants you to do something? Be aware of it....then be obedient. Chances are, someone needs to hear where you've been. And they need to know that God's grace is there. God sees you....ALL of you. You can hide from the world. Not from Him.

This young couple....well, just pray for them. My heart hurts for both of them. It's easy to get angry at him, for her. I have to remember that is NOT the attitude to have. Their lives are open, for people to see. Hidden sins come to light.

If you know the Lord, please pray for them. If you don't, well, He's waiting for you. He loves you with a passion that surpasses understanding. The only reason I'm brave enough to tell my story is because He gives me strength.

God is good all the time, and all the time God is good. See you next time.

WHEW!

Hello, world! Finally, my blog stopped telling me that I had to have administrative access to log in! Good Golly...I don't know where to start. So much MUCH has happened.

I'll start with updates!

Matty and I are doing well, growing and riding the roller coaster that is life! Savannah continues homeschooling...there have been some hiccups, but it's all overcomable.(my own word) Harley is finishing up her very last year at TVCS and is looking forward to attending Jr.High with her very good friend. We've decided that this is our experiences over things year and we're off to a great start! A couple concerts under our belts, a ballet and another concert to come. We're heading to WA in the summer for a mission trip. I continue to heal from frozen shoulder surgery...a manipulation and a small incision was all it took to take away my pain. Still working on motion! Matt just turned 41. We celebrated with friends and family. He continues to amaze me.

J and Hillary continue to thrive. He's got a job he enjoys and Hillary is still a SAHM. (hardest job EVER for the record) Miss Reyasunshine is the SWEETEST ever. She has the most darling heart and loves to make sure everything is alright with everyone. Piper is the sassy to her sisters sweet! That girl....she is something else! She loves her Papi most of all. I'm second. Can't wait to see how these girls grow!

Emily is working at the hospital as a patient specialist. While she enjoys it, she doesn't always enjoy the overnight shifts she often has. We continue to pray for her to grab a hold of God and not let go. She knows Him, He's just waiting for her to fall upon Him. We are so very proud of her! She flies away in September to visit her sister in Italy. I'm a little jealous.

Chellsei and Cody....THEY'RE HAVING A BABY! We are so very excited to have watched their marriage grow since July. They struggle a bit to find balance having 2 families to celebrate holidays with. I know they'll figure it out. Cody has the job internship he's wanted and Chellsei is looking forward to no more college! They both graduate in May. Watching God's plan for their lives unfold is such a joy!

K and T are in Italy. Wine world. She says that they're offered wine everywhere they visit. They (lucky ducks) live an hour either direction for Ikea. The pictures she sends show how beautiful the area is that she's in. They celebrated their 3 year anniversary in Venice. We hope to visit next year....she'll be home for a little bit when C has her baby, we'll *hopefully* visit mid 2018. We miss her lots, but enjoy video chatting often.

It's crazy how fast life moves. At our church, there are all these mamas who are so young. Their kids are anywhere from baby to 5 years old. They've created a "Mama Tribe". It brings a loving jealousy in my heart. Don't get me wrong, I don't begrudge it. I WISH I had experienced it! Here I am, though, on the other side. Our youngest is almost 15. In a few years, it will be just Matty and I. It's so crazy to know that those young mamas have so many years ahead that I've gone through. My goal is to be available to them. A different kind of support. I recognize that my almost being done lends a certain experience they may want to know about. So, young mamas, I'm here! Ask away!

God is so good to allow breath to fill my body each day. So gracious to allow me a wonderful partner to enjoy the rest of our years with. Life moves on, regardless of if we want it to or not. I'm going to enjoy it.

Echoes

The house is quiet. Two girls sleep upstairs, 1 is in her space and the littlest is at school. I'm very contemplative this morning. As I sit and search my mind for the sweet memories of the summer, the house begins to echo.

The laughter of girls bounces off the walls, doors slam, heated voices from upstairs. The past is chatty today.

In my mind, I hear footsteps racing up and down stairs. I hear "MOM" yelled in a very loud tone. I hear arguing. I hear radios playing, sweet laughter and the sound of girls getting ready. I hear the dogs going crazy because the girls are playing. I hear Matt stomping up the stairs, the giggle of the hidden girls ringing loud. I hear coughing. There's crying over bad grades, bad days at school and broken hearts. There's laughter over painting windows, writing on walls and indoor water fights. There's loudness over shared dinners, friendly rivalry over games and quietness on family movie nights.
Someone's playing basketball, another is drawing and yet another is scurrying in the kitchen. There's whining over chores, complaining about teachers and fighting over clothing.

What a house...what stories the walls hold.

Our house is a small one, brimming with memories almost 10 years old. The walls are laden with pictures of moments. Each one tells a story, held tight in a frame.

Our girl flies away tomorrow. And while it certainly is a joyous event, cause she's married and all that, my heart is still sad. We're grasping at last moments, last hugs. I know it's only a few years....sometimes it seems like forever. But, really....it's not just this one daughter. We have 6....2 left to finish bringing up. The other 4 are adults, figuring out their lives. The time has zipped by. You hear that it goes by in a blink; you don't really believe it. Then one day, your youngest is 14 and you realize all you did was blink.

What a sweet time for Matty and I. Only a few short years and we begin something new. Our girls will begin to have families of their own (one already does!) and their moments will expand beyond this house. I envision having all 6 at the house with their families. What wonderful chaos! What a great God to bless us so!

As the echoes of moments flutter through the house and my heart, I am reminded that they are His. Only ever His. It is a joy to watch His plans unfold, painful when you know they aren't following Him the way He wants. Yet...they are HIS! He loves them more than I ever could.

Tomorrow comes quickly, soon to be yesterday. I'm going to enjoy today and all the moments it holds.


Keep your eyes up. His mercies are new every day.

Decades Don't Come Easy

This past week my oldest friend was here visiting. Not oldest as in age (HA) but oldest as in 2 1/2 decades of friendship under the bridge. That's a lot of friendship. Also, it was my birthday week! In those decades, we have only seen each other one other time.

She is my friend that I can call and we can pick up where we left off. She's the one that I may not talk to often, but I KNOW she's there. Her son is a month older than my oldest, her daughter is a couple months younger than our C and her granddaughter is a month and 1/2 older than our Reyasunshine. Our lives have mirrored each other. We've seen things, done things, lived through things and grown. We laughed over our children and cried over their choices. And a very long time ago, she helped me escape. I am forever grateful.

Of course I wanted to show her everything from Idaho. She is from Arkansas, after all, and has never been further west than Texas. Everything she knew about Idaho was POTATO....imagine that! I thought of places to eat, things to see. I wanted to share with her everything that had changed since I left her neck of the woods 24 years earlier. It was A LOT. We ate at The Boise Fry Co, went to Idaho Pizza, drove to Twin and saw waterfalls on the way. We skipped church to catch up, watched movies and giggled over my sweet grandgirls calling her Miss Phylla. We laughed about her selfie taking skills (she has none), saw a fountain show at The Village and watched The Magnificent 7 on my birthday. NOT a happy movie, btw. We shared a cinnamon roll at Great Harvest, I shook my head at her love of Coke. (blech) We went and saw the "Blue", the fish at the MK Nature Center and people sword fighting at Museum Comes to Life. She got more free souvenirs than I can count for her grandgirl. The week has flown by.

She's missed her kids, her husband and her grandgirl. I loved the awe as she realized that Idaho is a desert and that we have a lot of corn. We warned her about the bi-polar weather; sure enough, our great state didn't disappoint. I introduced her to my children; she knew Hillary as a young child and briefly as a young adult. The other girls were a bonus and a whirlwind of memories to talk about. Our S tickled her to death and she wants to take Whisper home. The girls waited for my southern accent to appear; I worked hard to make sure it didn't.

As we visited, I worried. I wondered if she was having a good time. Was I the same...did she wish she hadn't come...was it worth it? Wow...the enemy seeks to steal joy. I didn't let him, though. My worry was small and I realized I didn't have to entertain her. She is my friend....my decades long friend.

It's friendship forged in a fire. She is a joy to be around, to giggle with, to cry to. She's beautiful and doesn't really know it. My heart is full and thankful to God. I was a young woman when we met, married to a man who wasn't nice. I am older now, life experience trumping my youth, married to a nice man. It always amazes me how time continues forward and things change. But it's in moments like these that I realize things haven't changed as much. We are still us.

Thank you girls, for this sweet gift of time. Bless your hearts.....(HA) I don't know when we'll see each other again, physically. I hope it's sooner, rather than later. But I know I'll see her again before God, dancing and praising Him.

I love you, friend.


ps...never leave home without your face AND your girdle on. ;)

Ch-Ch-Ch-Changes

It's been 3 months since I've sat down to write. We've had a busy summer...a crazy summer. A college graduate, married girl home while husband deployed, PLAN and PULL OFF a wedding summer. It's been, in short, CRAZY.

It's been nice, having all (except 1) girls under our roof this summer. They've slipped right back into the hierarchy that is sisters....right back into middle school. S said the other day that we had a system and it's been thrown into chaos. It's been joyful, scattered and full of surprises....and full of change!

C got married. It was a beautiful wedding on a beautiful July day. I had prayed for good weather....God is so awesome to have provided! After and emotional first day, her and her husband are settling into married life and adulting very well. (they might not agree)

K is doing well. Her heart wishes to be with her husband; that time is approaching! She really wishes all her people could be together in one place, preferably Europe. S wishes that, too, for purely selfish reasons. I mean...have you seen the fashion??

E recently got a job at St.Lukes as a patient specialist. She's had a rocky beginning...really praying that God show His plan to her and that she'll follow! In the meantime, she lives in the "trailer" outside our garage. To me, that is PRICELESS! I'm glad we have even that small space for her to call her own!

S is homeschooling this year. That is a major selling point in her quest to visit her sister in Europe. She can do school anywhere! She continues to be my advocate in sister tiffs and continues to be "snassy"....a mixture of snarky and sassy.

Our grands are doing well. Miss Reyasunshine is very sweet, here sister is very sassy. They are complete opposites and keep Hillary moving! J is working consistently. Hillary always amazes me in the way she is a mother and we are so proud of both her and J.

Little Bit goes to 8th grade after her 14th birthday! I can't believe we're done having 13 year olds. For all you mommas who struggle to believe the reality of children growing up, IT DOES HAPPEN! I think I'm an odd momma duck though....I celebrated when my littlest went to kindergarten. And I'm celebrating now....truth is, Matty and I are the family. The kiddos will come and go, but WE remain with each other. Anyways...H is still drawing and we are truly praying that God gives wisdom in how to pursue that.

Matty is still at the hospital. I am not working this year. The dogs are still alive and our household has grown by one rabbit and decreased by one hedgehog. (Bella lives with the honeymooners)God continues to work in our lives. I am so very thankful to Him for His continued grace. I am thankful for the way He has restored my marriage....it's not perfect and it never will be. With God, however, all things are possible.

The biggest changes in our world are good ones. A daughter visiting, a daughter married, a daughter beginning her adult life. Doesn't mean they're not painful. There are growing pains all around. We feel them, we see them. Our household has been shaken, the puzzle is shifting. Eventually we'll settle again, life will move smoothly and a routine will be followed.

God is consistent. His love is all encompassing, His grace new every day. His mercy abounds and His creation speaks of His joy. I am awed.

Find Him, today. He is everywhere, in all things. He never changes and for that I am grateful.

Until next time, friends.

Lonely in the Crowd

This entry isn't written from a specific view point; rather from a possible "everyone" standpoint.

Slowly, I walk up the stairs. I enter with hesitancy. Will anyone say "Hi" to me today, will they notice me? Or will I slip right by as they chatter, a ghost among the crowd? Will I walk away today feeling like I'm invisible to everyone except my husband and children?

These questions plague me whenever I go where there are people. Church, school events etc. There's an unspoken rule that you don't talk about feeling lonely, that lonely may be YOUR own fault. But what if it's not? What if, instead of thinking that the lonely person should step up, WE stepped up and spoke into their lives???? What if I spoke to someone I don't really know but would like to know better. What if someone I'd always wanted to talk to asked me to coffee?! What if, instead of looking around people as we say "Hi", we look AT them?

We all belong to this really big family. There's hundreds of people in it. Yet, it's so EASY to feel alone, to feel lonely in the crowd. Sometimes, I think we think that someone else is involved....why should we get involved, then?

I try stepping outside my zone. I try stepping into others' lives. I try being a part of the family. Yet...I feel like I'm just outside it, watching all the fun from the outside. Watching as relationships get built and lifelong friendships are forged. And I'm lonely.

It's hard, this being a girl thing. I think as children our confidence is forged. It's an ever changing thing, determined by public response and encouragement or disillusionment. There are good days and bad ones. There are days I feel as though I have strong relationships. I'm not lonely, I'm not wondering what's wrong with me. I'm confident in who I am, confident in the woman God has created me to be. Then there are days where I'm trying too hard to fit. Where my self-esteem is low and I'm wondering why I'm not talked to. Where I question God as to why He created me the way He did.

It's an extreme, being lonely. When you're lonely, everything is bigger. Every invitation someone else gets, every conversation that's not yours, every time someone looks through you. I'm willing to bet everyone has felt this way...even if they won't admit it.

Here's what I have:
When you're lonely in the crowd, remember God is always there. His presence is all encompassing, His love never ending. His arms are wide enough for you, His shoulders big enough for you to cry on. Remember, He has EVERYTHING written. From your birth to your death, He's got this. Every relationship, every cry for friendship, every sorrow, every laugh, every plea to fit in. He sees the loneliness, sees the desire to be loved. He sees YOU. He sees ME. He never looks through me. He never ceases loving me. Never.

When it hits, remember these:

Deuteronomy 31:6 (NAS) "Be strong and courageous, do not be afraid or tremble at them, for the LORD your God is the one who goes with you. He will not fail you or forsake you."

1 Samuel 12:22 (NAS) "For the LORD will not abandon His people on account of His great name, because the LORD has been pleased to make you a people for Himself.

Psalm 25:16 (NAS) Turn to me and be gracious to me, For I am lonely and afflicted.

Psalm 147:3 (NAS) He heals the brokenhearted And binds up their wounds.

And if you don't know Him, I encourage you to seek Him out. He sees you, He knows you, He loves you.

The days move on

I just realized it's been since January that I've posted. That seems surreal considering my life hasn't slowed down and is by no means perfect! But the days refuse to slow down or stop. They just move on.

Big news first: Our C is getting married! Yes, MARRIED! She's marrying the fellow she's been dating for almost 2 1/2 years. (would've been strange if it wasn't him) Our lives are a flurry of table runners, dress colors and flower choices. We are so very excited and can't wait for their adventure to unfold!

Also! Emily is graduating from U of I in May. We are making an exodus to Moscow to cheer her as she gets that piece of paper that says she truly is a grown up now.

K is home for a while as her hubby is gone. That's been hard. I hate to see her so sad. We pray continuously for His protective hand on both of them. Not just for their physical selves, but their emotional selves also.

Hill and J are doing better. He's got a better job that's almost full time. The grandgirls are good...all squishy and fabulously loving!

S is doing good, braces and all. She's kind of struggling with a teacher; that's a hard situation.

H is so very artistic! Love watching her draw!

It's amazing all the things that have happened since Jan. It's amazing at the bad that's been sprinkled in.

Through it all, I've seen His hand. He has held us, cradled us and given and taken away. He is so awesome in His mercy and grace. The world we live in is declining quickly.....it's so wonderful to know that He doesn't change and every day is written and that He is triumphant.

I have so much going on in my head; not enough time to write it all.

So I leave you with this:
The days move on. Regardless of how you feel, how you wish, how it seems to drag....the days move on. Every day is an adventure and already a victory for the Lord. There isn't one day that moves without His loving hand on it. Not one thought that goes unnoticed, one tear unbottled and one laugh He doesn't enjoy. While this world declines, take heart! Enjoy the given days, enjoy the moments that unfold. He delights in us; delight in HIM!


See you soon, friends.