And the label goes to....

Geek. Stoner. Prep. Popular. Nerd. Creepers. Loners.
Those are just some of the labels I hear in my house. Daily. One child, whose name they never have, is constantly labeling people. I think it comes from her own insecurities. She struggles with her identity. When she has it going on, BOY does she sparkle! However, she rarely has "it" going on. She hides. Remember those walls I've been shouting down? Well, she has tall, thick walls going on. Almost a dome.
We've all done it. Labeled someone. Especially in High School. Those tables where people sit. The girls that are on the "outside" who look at the popular girls and wish they could be just like them. The boys who wish the girls would even glance their way. The kids who pretend like it's ok they sit alone, who act like they have something better to do. What teens don't realize is that every single one of them is scared. Alone inside. The most popular of kids could be the one that is the saddest. It's easy to assume that because it appears like they have everything going on, they have a perfect life. But that is hardly ever true.
Sometimes, that travels into adulthood. As adults, we still label. But now we're not just labeling our peers, we're labeling the kids our teens hang with. We make judgments by how they look, if their pierced, tatooed or even have colored hair. That doesn't so much bother me....if you've met me, you know why.
I try to stop the labeling when it happens. Try to tell the child whose name they never have that you can't put people into boxes. They don't always fit, and she may be hurting someone. I know that's not her intention. While she's labeled other, she's also labeled herself. AND limited herself. She's put herself in a box, or dome, and sheltered herself from experiences that could and will change and shape her life. When you label, sometimes in your heart, those people stay that label. And you don't really know them. I've been labeled. In high school, I was alone. I never fit. Always pretending to read, pretending I didn't care. I did, though. I wanted to be invited places, wanted to giggle and laugh with the girls and have the popular boys like me. Didn't happen. Later I was labeled again. I shook that label off though. Forgiven...east from the west.....
We have to change our mindset. Stop thinking the outside equals the inside. Realize that the hearts of those around us are the same as our own....fearful, anxious and trepiditious. If we open our boxes, we let the Sonshine in. And when the Son shines, amazing things happen.

PS....the girl whose name they never have has actually expanded her box quite a bit. I have no doubt that before long, her dome will have disappeared and she will have the life the Son intends.

And so the story goes....

My story continues on. In my life I have broken hearts, smoked cigarettes, drank alcohol(gasp), gotten married 3x, gotten divorced twice. I have given birth to six healthy and beautiful girls and lost one child of unknown sex. For the record, I think it was a boy....*wink* There is so much more in my story. All that lumped together looks very sordid, very wordly and very icky. Except the children part. What you don't see is the emotion, the sorrow, the anger and the raw feelings. There is so much more to me than those words. I am afraid sometimes of what people will think of me. Afraid to be too honest for fear I will be cast out, thrown to the sharks. In the darkest part of my story, that's where I was. In the middle of the ocean without a life ring. The only thing I knew was that I was a child of God. I was stuck in a pit, a pattern of sin. I had made it myself. Lived and wallowed in it. Decided to hang there for a while. Yet, I knew He loved me. I knew that at any moment I could run to Him and He would pick me up and cuddle me. BUT I DIDN'T WANT TO. I was pseudo happy. I found ways to convince myself I was ok.
I think it started as a young girl. I decided very young that I needed a man to complete me. As a young teen (14) I already knew my power over boys. And I used it. At 17, I got pregnant. Married. Abused for 2 years. Divorced. Wow. That was a whirlwind....alot of pain and sorrow and confused feeling. In Jack and Jill (my previous blog) I talk more about this. And I know, in that part of my story I'm the victim. But I wasn't always. Sometimes, I was the instigator. And that's hard to admit. No one wants to say they chose wrong. I mean, I'm a Christian! I should always make the "right" choice. Whatever! I'm forgiven, not perfect. Still human, here! I hurt people. ON purpose. I caused grief for those around me. Yet....I am beloved. And during the darkest part of my story, I was thrown overboard...cast aside. Told I wasn't and couldn't really be a christian. Told that I shouldn't be happy about the child I was carrying. (Savannah, btw) But you know what???! God created her....she didn't slip by, wasn't a suprise and He knew her name from the very beginning. I am FORGIVEN! Set FREE! I see how He loves me in Savannah's face, in Harley's laughter and when Matt and I pray together. The joy is this, sisters....He took my muddy, icky and sordid self and cleansed me....purified me and set me completely free. He didn't have to. He took David and Bathsheba's first born. He could've taken ours. But He didn't. He loves me so much....healthy girls, a Godly husband and my bonus Harley. I see His grace every day....and I realize that my story goes on. I don't know how long, or if I'm achieving all I'm supposed to. But my story is continuing...He's writing it even as I type and I am so blessed to be able to share. There is nothing I can do that He won't forgive me for. When I accepted Him as a child, that was it. I don't have to work for His grace, I don't have to sacrifice sheep, I don't have to turn around 10 times and say Woo Hoo! It's just given...His grace is just given.

And so the story goes....and that's the way it is.

The Wall

So, I live behind a wall. It's a wall of my own making. Sometimes it's tiny....Sometimes it's the size of a castle wall. Depends on where I am, who I am with and what I am doing. If I'm walking into a room full of people, WOOSH, that wall is HUGE! I guess I figure that if I appear unapproachable, I can't be rejected. Reject first....no hurt later. I put on a mask of indifference, the appearance of "I'm fine without you". But then, later, I wonder why no one spoke to me. Huh?
Ok, so there is something wrong with the wall. It constricts, chokes and kills relationship. I miss out. What if I miss out on getting to know that person that needs to know me? Or, if I miss that one woman who can impart massive wisdom? I realize that I let my own insecurities cause me to stumble. I know that I am comparing myself to others and I always LOSE! Hence, the wall of many sizes. If I feel a smidge comfortable, the wall is smaller.....able to be jumped over. But not enough to really let someone all the way in. I had a "play-date" with a friend today. She told me to get over myself and stop making myself unapproachable. I cried. Not tears of sorrow, just emotion. The funny thing is, with her, there was never any wall. I knew I could tell her everything about myself and she would love me anyway. So what's the biggie? Why the walls in general? FEAR! Fear binds us, holds us and doesn't allow movement. It suffocates and gives us cause to wallow. We are so afraid of change, of real love, of rejection. We as humans crave acceptance. We strive for it, change for it and search for it in any form. But why?
I already have been accepted by the King. I was created by Him, in His image. When He looks at me...He sees beauty. He finds joy in my happiness and He loves me. Oh, how He loves me. There is no wall with my God. And He has called me to tear the walls down, not brick by brick with a safety net, but CRASH,BOOM,BANG. ALL GONE. So, this afternoon I did. They may build back up...but I will do my best to keep "shouting" them down. I will not be afraid...and I will love like Him.

"So the people shouted and priests blew the trumpets; and it came about. when the people heard the sound of the trumpet, that the people shouted with a great shout and the wall fell down flat...." Joshua 6:20

An ordinary day

Today is ordinary. Sunshine, a breeze and quietness abounds. Mid October already. Pumpkins sit at my front entry way, and all the windows are open. My life is good. I was reminded, however, that things don't stay ordinary. With in a one month span, 2 people I know have found out they have cancer. Their families live in the not ordinary. It causes one to wonder about what ordinary truly is. It caused ME to evaluate my living.
What do I do? Every day starts the same. Kids get up. I get up. Make coffee...eat breakfast. The driving begins. Drop kids off. Go home. Drink more coffee. Keep dog from chewing on everything in sight. Laundry, dishes, floors, bathroom, bed made. Go shopping. Pick first set of kids up....1/2 hour later, pick up 2nd set of kids. Make dinner. Emotional breakdowns (girls). Emotional meltdown (me). All better. Daddy home, tv on, girls settled. Bed.
Wow. Where was God? Sometimes, I feel like it's weeks that I don't read His word. I pray constantly through my day. Sometimes, I rant. I yell and holler. Sometimes I sing...praise Him with my not so great vocal skills. With all my ordinary, I've forgotten and gotten complacent about the One who makes me so NOT ordinary. I am the daughter of THE King. He thinks I am extraordinary. Why then, do I let myself get sucked into the every day, same old thing?? Why do I let myself get so unfocused? If our lives were shaken by cancer or other such, what would I do? If I had to step outside my comfy box, WHAT would I do? I'd live. And grow and change.
That's what I'm going to do. No, we haven't been rocked by a not ordinary instance. But I want to live like I'm extraordinary. I want to meet people where they are, love those the world deems unlovable and serve those who my Father loves. I don't want to begin living just when my world gets rocked. I want to see the blessings now. I want to enjoy and LIVE....while the living is good! Every day begins again, brand new with a plan in place. Not my plan, but His. It's a perfect plan, with bumps and holes and straight and smooth. It's fabulous.

My day will begin the same way tomorrow, but tomorrow I won't be the same.

Jack and Jill

You know the rhyme...Jack and Jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water. Jack fell down and broke his crown and Jill came tumbling after. Pretty innocent. But what if we put it in the context of marriage? If one partner falls, the other tumbles too. At bible study last night, I talked about how anxious I was to get my life started. And i was...too anxious. As a young girl, all I thought about was marriage, finding "the" one and having children. So I set out to find it.
I found the first one at 16. I was naive. And thought love came in the form of a Navy man. 7 years older and wiser. Sure, there were warning signs. Such as he was interested in a 16 year old. But hey...I thought it was great. I thought HE was great. We will call him Navy Man. I met him the summer I was 16 while visiting my grandparents. It was party, party, party. He was cute, older and interesting. After the summer ended I went home to Oregon. Unbeknownst to me, I had a very special visitor along for the ride. Navy Man visited me often and asked me to marry him. He even asked my dad. Talk about romantic. My pregnancy was a secret...we married in December. I quit high school, he got discharged from Navy (personality disorder) and we moved. To Arkansas. Yes, to the backwoods. Literally. The abuse started soon after. I was isolated, alone and scared. After 2 years I left. We divorced and he killed his girlfriends child. Talk about God's saving grace. He was Jack...he fell, I tumbled.
Number 2 came after I moved to my current location. I found him after dating....ALOT.
I was a single mom and living with my mom and dad. UGH. I couldn't wait to move along. So number 2....he was nice. And after Navy Man, I wanted nice. I didn't love him...not sure I liked him. But he was nice. And guess what! I had another special visitor again. We married a year after my first divorce. And I was visibly pregnant. Our first child was born in september that same year. Our second child was born april 2 years later and the 3rd born a year after that. I now had 4 daughters and a step son. And a life I was confused about. And unhappy in. And not enjoying. After 7 years of marriage, I checked out. Emotionally, physically and any other way I could. I hurt him....I tore my marriage down, brick by brick. All my fault? No. He had his own stuff going on. But, I fell....he tumbled.
When I fell, I fell for husband 3. This is it, folks. The end of my marriage rope. He was younger. Adorable and outgoing. Our relationship was.....well, not sure how to explain it. Wrong. Unbiblical. Destructive. Maybe, but I didn't care. And...you guessed it. Daughter number 5 came along after we were married 3 months. I must have very early babies...hahaha. Anyways....I have been blessed beyond belief inside this marriage. God saw me. He knew who I was, what I was doing and how I was behaving. Daughter 5 did not escape His notice. Yet, He blessed me anyway. We have been married 10 years, hubby became a christian 5 years ago and we had another daughter to boot. I call her our bonus. Is our marriage "fall" proof? No. But we work at it. It isn't perfect, and some days are harder than others. Do I love him all the time? Yes...sometimes he drives me CRAZY though. I don't always agree with him, don't always get along with him. But he's still adorable and he makes me laugh. I know he doesn't always agree with me and sometimes I make him INSANE. He's a good dad, loves all the girls. He's been their father a long time and loves them much. We work together. There is still residual from husbands 1 and 2. One is back in jail after some other child related stuff. And 2, well he's angry, sad and lives a heartbroken life. I know I am released though. My Father forgave me for my part. I have no more responsiblity in how things go for him. His choices are his own...his decisions his.

The thing is, Jack and Jill don't have to be impatient. They can take their time, go slowly and reach their goal together. No falls and no one tumbles. And they get to get the Living Water.