Whirlwinds

 It's been a bit. And life has changed. 

Over the past couple years, I've learned that you can grieve living children, that it's okay to not be okay and that life is going to move on, no matter what. 

It's been almost 2 years since we've seen precious family. Slowly, without explanation or conversation,  they just stopped being a part of us. All of us. (Dad, mom and sisters) I'm sure the boys are growing but, for me, time has stopped. In my mind, they look like they did the last time I saw them. And I'm left praying for reconciliation, knowing that God's timing is always perfect. Knowing that He sees them and I don't have to know the why of it. But it's hard, this not knowing. For a long time, I blamed myself. I examined everything I ever did as a mother. I always came up lacking in my head. God has been so good to clear that up for me. It's not about me. I still cry sometimes....and that's okay. 

The losses seemed to be heavy in 2022. We left our church, friendships changed, and sorrow was a continually felt emotion. We had to figure out what we looked like now, who were we without some of the we. We had to figure out what church looked like for us and what God wanted us to do with Him. We mourned relationships, sought healing with good friends and found joy in small things. We reveled in intimate moments, joyful laughter and stronger  friendships. God has been so very gracious to us and we are thankful.

2023 was a slow one, taking our time and allowing God's presence to wash over us. We recognized that our time is precious and we were a bit more selfish with it. The ache in my heart softened to a gentleness I didn't think could happen. I still missed them; I just knew that God was constantly working and moving. He sees the things I don't need to. We stepped back into a church building, followed where He said to be and allowed Him to guide and lead. We grieved the loss of our sweet Whisper girl. 

The sorrow doesn't wash over me the same anymore. I'm a bit more emotional as we get closer to her birthday; I just let myself feel it and pray for her and them. We moved Harley to Florida to work at the mouse house and we just got a puppy. She's an Aussie/Retriever named Mabel. We're still figuring out where God may want us to be as far as church goes. The days feel more normal, the moments not colored by things I can't change or control. 

2022 was a hard season. 2023 was a season of trying to understand and letting God bring healing. 2024 is a year of joy, knowing His goodness and mercy follow me all the days of my life. God is good all the time....even in the things I don't get to understand. 

I'm resting in Him today, leaning into His promises. Settling into His arms. 

"For it is He who delivers you from the snare of the trapper
And from the deadly pestilence.
4 He will cover you with His pinions,
And under His wings you may seek refuge;
His faithfulness is a shield and bulwark."

Psalm 91:3-4

A letter to my daughters.

On the night I got broken open, I felt like I would die. I could not breathe. My heart longed for easier days, younger days. Days when I was all you needed, all you wanted. Days of laughing late into the night, days of playing "taxi", days of boyfriend meet and greets, days of getting ready for dances, movie nights and a full house. I love you every day, all the time, all your life and mine. 

 I mourn those days. 

 I knew life couldn't be like that always. I knew that those sweet little girls, with their individual spirits and minds, would grow up. Gone are the impish smiles, the lit up face when you looked at Dad or me. Gone are the quiet talks, the shed tears on my shoulder. Gone are the moments that only you and I would share, each one individual and special. I loved you every day, all the time, all your life and mine.

 I knew I would fail you. I knew, someday, you would tell me all about how I did it. A harsh word. One less picture. A nosy question. A stepped over boundary. The desire to know the truth. The moments I forgot, the moments I was too busy. That time I missed a presentation, an important meeting or appointment. The human moment where I yelled and caused emotional wounds. And I knew all these things would be wrapped up in how you think I love you. How favored you are or not. I loved you every day, all the time, all your life and mine.

 Here's a secret. It has nothing to do with any of it. Sometimes, I was overwhelmed. Sometimes, I needed to breathe and couldn't figure out how. Sometimes, I needed the chaos of a full house to drown out the voice that told me I wasn't worthy. I loved you every day, all the time, all your life and mine. I was louder than you because you went to 100 when I was at 10. I couldn't take a moment to chat because my hands were in egg, milk and flour as I breaded chicken. I tried to hear you, someone else was louder. I didn't understand why you were upset that you couldn't be downstairs, you were too young. I'm sorry they got mad at you for being the youngest. I'm sorry I was a different mom when you were born; I learned a lot in 12 years. I loved you every day, all the time, all your life and mine. 

 Some of you think I'm mean, terrible and awful. I've heard it lately. Some of you question my belief in the Lord. Because, pregnant at 2 weddings and such. Pregnant at 3 weddings, dear one. Owned every ounce of sin involved. It's my sinful past...forgiven and forgotten by God, how dare YOU throw it back at me. I loved you every day, all the time, all your life and mine. 

 You girls think that just because your certain ages now, you "should" be a different way. Shouldn't lean on mom. Shouldn't need mom. Or you've replaced me with what you deem a more "worthy" version. You're wrong. I'm your mom. And if I, at 49 still need MY mom, why couldn't you need yours? I don't expect the relationship to stay the same. I expect it to grow. For us to laugh at new things, talk differently about sex, have movie nights, date days/nights, late night phone calls or even an "I love you, Mom" text. Instead, I get crickets. When I ask, I'm told to get you some dates....I do and nothing comes of it. My question is, why do I have to ask. Why can't you ask? Why can't you reach out? Why can't you call me....text me. Hear and UNDERSTAND this: I KNOW you are adults. I KNOW you have lives, jobs, children etc. I do NOT expect you to drop everything to be available all the time. What I hope for is a "Let's go to lunch mom." or an "I love you mom" or a "Hey mom, want to have a movie night?" or "Let's get together to play a game." As the days pass, my heart breaks a little bit more.

 I couldn't, if I tried, stop loving you. It doesn't matter if you've yelled things at me that hurt, or said things to sibling that you won't take accountability for. It doesn't matter that you favor dad, even though I carried you, birthed you, nursed you and loved you. He was there. It doesn't even matter that you say terrible things about me and won't honor me enough to talk TO ME about them. What's more, you see nothing wrong with what you say. The words hurt, the threats hurt, the angry looks hurt. And my heart breaks a bit more. I will never condone sinful choices. We say our piece. We get smoke and mirrors back. Make a decision. Stand on your hill. Choose to die there, if you must. BUT OWN IT. We won't stop speaking biblical truth into your lives; we love you all too much. We want so much more for you guys. We want to help you find the perfect house, the best school for children, the perfect wedding venue. All while speaking truth....and loving you. We just want time. With you, each of you, alone. Time with you and the "other" in your life. You and the littles that bring such joy to all who see them. You can't use distance as an excuse, video chat is a balm to my soul. 

 I love our grandchildren. I love our sons in law. I love the man who will be married into the family; God says to. I love my parents. I love your dad. I love God the most. But you 6, you glorious gifts given to ME by God, I LOVE YOU, EVERY DAY, ALL THE TIME, ALL YOUR LIFE AND MINE. Someday, the all your life or mine will be over. Is this how you want it to be? Stretched thin, pretending behind a facade, the moments fraught with tenseness and lost time because of pride? Not me. That is not what I want, and I don't believe it's what God wants. He wants what's good for us, and the way it's been, that is NOT good of any kind. 

 My dearest, my darlings....I love you. Reach out. To me, to each other. Tomorrow isn't promised....is today how you want to live? 

 It is an honor for a man to keep aloof from strife, but every fool will be quarreling. Proverbs 20:2-4

Growing Up

Well. 2020 is proving to be more exciting than 2019. And I'm not talking about my Disneyland trip in February with my parents. Although, I also went to Universal Studios and rode the new Jurassic Park ride.

I'm most definitely talking about Covid_19 and all the joys of isolating. Honestly, not much changed for me. I'm a SAHM...at home anyways. Plus, Little Bit home schools. No difference there! It was hard not seeing the grands; Idaho has since "re-opened" so I've seen and snuggled all FOUR! In a couple short weeks, we open the fireworks booth. For the first few months lasting forever, time seems to be moving quicker now!

I've had a lot of time to reflect and think. Which took me back to my childhood.

I grew up poor. We lived outside a small town. Our water was from a natural spring, we didn't have central heat and my dad hunted for our food (I WON'T eat game now). We owned a pizza place in the small town. I either worked, watched my younger sister or went out with a myriad of boys. The thing is, I didn't realize we were poor until we got a food box. My mom was very creative at Christmas...once she wrapped every present (not many) and put them in a larger wrapped box. I always knew my clothes weren't quite right, we shopped at Goodwill (that's so popular now! I still struggle with it) and didn't have much money for extras. I never had name brand clothes...but boy, did I want them! In the 80's, it was all about those names! (and, sometimes, it STILL is! Judging people by the name on clothing or accessories...tsk, tsk.) It just never clicked that we were poor.

I was always looking for a way out. Someone to "save" me, to love me, to carry the weight of all my sorrow. I hated that small town. And, honestly, I've never been back since 1990. I cringe inside myself when I think of going back there. I honestly believed if I got married, everything would change. I ended up pregnant at 17 and married at the same age. Funnily enough, we had actually left that small town when I was 16. Who knew?

At 47, I see things so much differently. Not about the town or how I feel about growing up there. I see MYSELF differently. I see how I didn't NEED someone to complete me because God already did. We put so many expectations in humans. We want them to fill voids, to be a rescuer, to provide security. Yet...while they may be able to do those things SOME of the time...they just really can't. Please don't misunderstand: I'm not sorry I got pregnant at 17. I'm not sorry I wrote the love stories that resulted in ANY of our children. I firmly believe He created them on purpose for HIS purpose!

If I could tell my young self anything, it would be this: He loves you. He is for you. You are WORTHY! REST.

We aren't wealthy by any means. We've worked hard to pay off debt, we've utilized food stamps and medicaid. We've also worked very hard to instill in our girls that the name on your clothes isn't what makes you worthy. I've been very blessed to be able to go to my "happy place" quite often...what people don't know is that those trips are often gifted! Really, though, it isn't anyone's business.

We all have stories. We all come from somewhere. Tell me yours.



God sees you. God is for you. God loves you. You are worthy. REST.

Year in Review

I can not believe it's 2020. I'm hoping this is a banner year! In the meantime, let's review 2019.

This time last year, we were planning and excited about our trip to Italy. Before Europe, Matt and I had an adventure with my parents...California! Disneyland, Universal Studios and Knott's Berry Farm make for a busy but FUN trip! We drove down and back! I drove across the country with my sister-in-law. Got to see the Billy Graham museum and meet some sweet sisters in the P31 family! That was a blessing to be sure!

Traveling to Europe was by far a most amazing experience. S, H and I arrived in Italy (Matt flew separately), stayed overnight at K and T's then headed off to Venice. From there we took an overnight train to Munich. I LOVED Germany! It was beautiful, the people were nice and the food was good. We flew out that night to Ireland, where we spent 3 nights in a little village outside Dublin. As much as I LOVED Germany, I LOVED LOVED Ireland! The food was great, S had her first drink, the Air BnB had a couple of dogs that the girls could play with and Matt got to drive fast on the OTHER side of the road! After our whirlwind trip, back to Italy we went. Where we spent Matt's last day exploring a cavern. 500 steps down=500 steps up. Whew! The girls and I had a week left...we spent it exploring Venice, went to the ocean (soft sand and crazy sea shells), enjoying the small village T and K live close to and eating all the food. Gelato EVERY day!

Getting home, we quickly prepared for Savannah's graduation and party! *joint with her very good friend* It was literally the weekend after we got home. Shortly after, S left for McCall for her summer job. H followed soon after, spending a couple weeks working and 1 as a camper. Matt and I were ALONE. It was nice.

July rolled around with fireworks, as usual. That's always a busy time and after it's over, I feel like time goes faster. Head into fall and school begins, S moves back home after one job to begin another. Halloween, Thanksgiving and shopping take place. Matt began a new job at the local VA hospital. Sometime, during all the chaos, a Disneyland trip was planned. Just 3 girls: S, Emily and myself. Thanks to our girls and some dear friends, my trip cost next to nothing! What a joyous time...full of fun, sweet memories and FOOD! Christmas was happening when we got back....cookies, movies and REST on the agenda.

It's kind of funny. I have this idea that we're never busy. That we never have anything to do. And sure, there are those times...but really, we are always having an adventure. And God is right there. I see His hand, His authorship over my life. There were some not great things that happened, too. Things that hurt, things that cause growth, boundaries that were set. The puzzle shifted. Those things are His, too.

Jeremy, Hillary and girls are good. Those girls are something else, that's for sure!
Emily is dating a nice guy and working at the hospital. She's adulting very well.
Cody, Chellsei and Q are thriving...Q will be a big brother come April.
Tim and Kaily are on to the next adventure! Can't wait to see them again!
Savannah is currently a nanny. She loves it! Her future holds college and jumping into what God has in store.
Harley is still a junior in high school. Let me have this one! She continues to follow the Lord and shines bright.
Murphy is getting old, Whisper isn't as lick-y.
Matt and I are well...it's a good thing we like each other! Grown up kids= Time with just us. It's different, but good.

I am reminded, as I head into 2020, that God is good all the time and all the time God is good.

2020, you have a heck of a predecessor. Can't wait to see what God has in store.

The "UN"invitation

Remember in grade school how exciting it was to get an invitation to a party? Remember how it felt if you DIDN'T get the invitation? Just me? Okay, I'll roll with it.

I thought as an adult, it would be different. It's not. I turn right back into that little girl when people are talking about the fun party they attended. That I wasn't invited to. And my heart hurts. Because, I thought I was friends with this person. I thought, if we weren't friends, we were on our way there. And...I'm 6.

As children, we understand the not being invited. But it's easier to get diverted from the knowing. As an adult, it's much harder. You realize that you were not, in fact, invited. I wonder if men struggle like this? They seem to go through life much easier. A slap on the back and a "See ya". Wish I could do that. Instead, I'm stuck here...in uninvited land.

I did a bible study by Lysa TerKeurst called "Uninvited". Boy, did I need it at the exact moment it came into my life! Through that study, I came to realize that wherever I was, at any given moment, I was invited by God to be there. That no matter what other invitations I DIDN'T get, I was invited by Him to be where I was. That's pretty strong. Sadly, I'm human....prone to human feelings and human hurts....and the pain that comes with the "un"invitation.

I'm trying. I'm trying to be a grown up. I'm trying to see the people that might be on the fringes of my own circle. *I have one; it's small* I don't want anyone to feel like they're not the "right" type of person, like they're not important, like they aren't worthy. I've felt (and sometimes, feel) that way. Everyone wants an invitation. And in our human nature, we want it from peers.

As a believer, I believe in the body of Christ. I believe that we need to rally around, draw strength from and support one another. I believe we should love (this is SO HARD for me!) others, even if we don't think they're lovable. AND...we should extend an invite. Into our homes, our hearts and lives. I've gotten away from that. I've been the not inviter.

You're invited. Come have dinner, let's chat a while. Let's have coffee and cry a bit. Let's pray together. And let's remember, that no matter what you're NOT invited to, the Lord has invited you to be right where you are....no matter where you are.

What a Wonderful World

Hi! I realized it's been almost a year since I've written. Over here, life is good. It's settled down since the "great back surgery" year. We HAVE (just Matt and I) gone to Disneyland...with my parents. Plus, we hit Universal Studios and Knott's Berry Farm. It was a busy 12 days. We're gearing up for Italy in less than a month. I'm SO excited! I'm still volunteering with Proverbs 31 Ministries and LOVING it. I LOVE being part of this ministry...the relationships I've built, the studies I've led...My heart is full.

But...can I just be honest? I'm lonely sometimes. And I'm not always sure how to step past that. I know part of it is me. I also know part of it is the rest of the world.

God has invited me to be in the exact place I am at any given minute. (learned *and held on to* that doing the "Uninvited" study by Lysa TerKeurst) Yet, sometimes, it's lonely.

Leading the studies I've led, I've learned to be more at peace with where I am. Yet...I'm only human! I've found that women like to put on their "Sunday Face". You ask how someone is and they say fine as they breeze by. And there you are, heart hurting and wondering why YOU'RE not fine. Because it sure does seem like the rest of the world has it together and you're broken like always, stuck in your messy middle. It's lonely there. Guess what I learned in the last study I did? God specializes in the broken. God creates from our dust....AND He knows about our 'messy middles'.

I've learned, from leading, that we need to share our messy more. Your messy won't look like mine *or part of it might!* and that's okay. Sharing isn't being stuck. And if it does look similar, we can talk about that. You aren't alone...neither am I. We shouldn't have to feel alone. We shouldn't have to feel lonely.

It's a wonderful, complex, sometimes scary world we live in. I want to rally with you. I want to cry, laugh and just sit in comfortable silence with you. I want to ease your hurting heart, hear your anger and commiserate with your joy/sadness.

Please understand, I KNOW that God is the only relationship I NEED. He is the lover of my soul, my Lord and my Savior. He can fill every void. Yet...I believe He wants us to fill space around others. I think He wants us to be vulnerable, open and crumbled together. He doesn't want any of us to be lonely.

So, let's not be lonely. Let's have coffee, do lunch, chat about nothing. Let's love each other, let's be vulnerable. Let's pray together. Let's help each other through the hard things and not forget when it gets better that we're still needed.

God is good, all the time. See you soon-ish.

Real Life

If you were to look on my social media pages, you would see lots of pictures of smiling people. People in Disneyland, people with arms wrapped around each other in loving hugs, people gazing into each others eyes with joy. You would see a tidy clean house, food made pretty, a large family gathered around playing games. Is that real life? You bet! Is it ALWAYS real life? Not a chance.

I was sitting on my couch, watching my favorite show. Out of the corner of my eye, I caught a glimpse of a pair of Snow White dress up shoes. On my orange bench. Where they do NOT belong. I seriously considered putting them away. I didn't. What I thought next is that I need to snap a picture and post it. That's REAL life. Toys not put away, folded (at least it's folded) laundry on my dining table. Miscellaneous items strewn about my countertop (which has been re-done...for the official record!) and baby items willy nilly on the floor.

We tend to only post the good. The things that put us in the right light, things that make it seem like life is just peachy. But...what if it's not? What if, at those family game nights, there is a tremendous fight? What if the tidy house picture is taken in the ONLY spot that is clean? What if every other plate of food looks terrible?? We let our moments be defined by what "looks" good. We show those because the alternative is raw, emotional and defenseless.

Real life doesn't happen with roses and sunshine. Real life is in the trenches....when kids fight, the baby won't sleep, when you're threatened by someone else's relationship with someone you love, when money is tight and it seems to be "raining" every day. Real life is hitting the floor with your knees, crying out to God to get you through one more day, please let the baby sleep, please provide, please...please....please. Real life is fighting with your spouse, being sad because you don't have one, crying because you're far from home, being angry because someone let you down. Real life is vulnerable.

Real life is also busy...we really do volunteer at functions, we have been to Disneyland twice in 6 months, we sold fireworks for a week, our girls go to camp...one as a counselor. What you don't see is the exhaustion, the long gaps between attending church, the not spending time with each other, the missed snuggles and the fights because we feel distant. Real life is knowing you have this moment...don't waste it. Real life is remembering that people are more important than things...really remembering! Real life is loving others, even when we don't have the "want" to. Real life is a simple touch, a pat on the back, truly listening, laughing at the big and little things. Real life is a quiet night at home or a boisterous game night. Real life is caring when they're sick, holding your tongue and crying when they cry. Real life is.....real.

I'm going to try to be more real. I'm a pretty open book anyway, but I'm going to be more. Maybe if I am, someone else will be too. Maybe if we all are a little more real, we can take strength from each other.

I didn't put the Snow White shoes away. They're still sitting there. Real life is knowing the sweet grandgirl who wears them will be over again soon. Enjoy this life, friends.